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creep-shaming creepy douchebaggery entitled babies hypocrisy incoherent rage irony alert men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny nice guys rape rapey

“Nice Guys” on parade

NG1

So, “Nice Guys” are causing a stir on the Internet again, thanks largely to a new(ish) Tumblr blog called “Nice Guys” of Ok Cupid, which posts selected highlights from the OKCupid profiles of self-proclaimed “nice guys” who make it very clear, in their profiles and in their answers to OKCupid’s “match” questions, that they are in fact anything but nice.

Some of them are actual or potential date rapists, convinced that women that they’re “nice” to owe them sex. Others are bitter from too many rejections, and launch long tirades in their profiles about how women are bitches and whores. Still others are clueless on a more fundamental level, declaring that women have “an obligation to shave their legs” and otherwise prettify themselves for men while noting that they themselves only shower or brush their teeth occasionally.

It’s not clear how any of this is supposed to convince the women of OKCupid  that these angry, ranting, hapless-yet-entitled “nice guys” are indeed as “nice” as advertised, much less convince any rational human being to have sex with them.

The site is a goldmine of unintentional self-revelation — as is a similar site with the name of, er, OKCupid Goldmine —  and I’ve spent hours looking through the pictures on both sites and discussing them with friends. The only reason I haven’t linked to it in the past is that neither of them blur out the faces of the people they feature, which seems to me a pretty major invasion of privacy. (As you no doubt have noticed, I’ve taken the liberty of somewhat creeepily disguising the faces of the guys in the pics I’m posting here.) But “Nice Guys of OKCupid has been pretty widely discussed, linked to by Jezebel (1, 2) and The Guardian and even the Men’s Rights subreddit, to mention merely a few examples; Ok Cupid Goldmine is also provoking discussions. Posts on both sites regularly get dozens if not hundreds of comments and reblogs on Tumblr. The cat’s already out of the bag.

Here are a couple more of these “Nice Guys” with their faces all spiral-ized:

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pecunium
7 years ago

I am lucky, my hair doesn’t get stinky, so if I braid it (so it doesn’t get visibly lank) I can go a week, or so, without washing it. I can go a bit longer if I use conditioner alone (because some of the agents they use in conditioners are mildly detergent).

I do use a mixed nylon/bristle brush on it, at least once a day. I do the “soap on the scalp, and then work it down” trick too.

The worst part is the two days after a really thorough washing, because it doesn’t want to be braided; it’s worse in the winter.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Does anyone who’s work hair clips or pins or whatever find they just don’t stay in place?

DannyJane
DannyJane
7 years ago

Wow are you all off topic. The subject is mysogyny–an important topic these days– and you’re all nattering on about your hair. Way to go.

Some Gal Not Bored at All

@The Kittehs’

Have you tried wrapping part of the clip in a hair band (just one of the cheap rubber bands wrapped in threads)? My mom used to do something like that for my sister (who has really thin hair that everything fell out of) for both the friction and the bulk, but the friction part should work for thicker hair.

Some Gal Not Bored at All

@DannyJane

If it’s so important to you, say something on-topic. If not, fuck off, troll.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Some Gal – that’s a good idea, I should try that.

DannyJane, are you a troll? Have you ever bothered to read the blog? We go off topic all the time. It’s accepted (hell, David posts kitty articles when he feels like it or the MRM is too disgusting even for his ironclad stomach). Don’t come in here telling regulars what to talk about.

reginaldgriswold
reginaldgriswold
7 years ago

I started reading this blog:

http://www.howtohairgirl.com/

And learned how to make a shaggy, long bob (“shlob”) for myself. Super easy, people compliment it a lot, can be done tipsy and it holds style in my curly, but fairly fine hair. I recommend it.

pecunium
7 years ago

So DannyJane, care to expound on misogyny?

Or is it just an excuse to try and beat up on us because a comment about the hidden misogyny in a comment about hair led to a side-topic in a 1,306 comment thread (to date).

Get with the program.

pecunium
7 years ago

My hair is straight as a sunbeam. I braiding it wet gives it some curl, for a couple of hours, but that’s it.

DannyJane
DannyJane
7 years ago

I am not a troll. I responded to someone’s posting on FB about the mysogynistic behavior of men on OK Cupid, something I had rather extensive experience with. I’ve never been on this board before, so no, I don’t know your habits. I came looking for an intelligent discussion but as soon as I posted everyone started talking about their hair.

I don’t need to get with your or any program, nor do I wish to be attacked further. I think you devolved to a shallow discussion when there was a larger issue. Not to worry, I’m terminating my membership. Feel free to natter on without me about any topic you please.

Some Gal Not Bored at All

@DannyJane

On the off-chance you are still reading, it is always rude to come into a thread you haven’t read. We covered a lot of important on-topic stuff days ago. Now, we are on to other important stuff. I mean, hair affects our lives daily and hopefully Nice Guys do not. If you had something to say, say it. Otherwise, you ARE a troll. In fact, you are a troll that is on the list of the 14 trolls that show up to every article on feminism.

Some Gal Not Bored at All

@pecunium

My hair is straight as a sunbeam. I braiding it wet gives it some curl, for a couple of hours, but that’s it.

Me too! The curl is actually mostly gone if I so much as run my fingers through it.

katz
7 years ago

Do I detect an undertone of “Silly wimminz?”

katz
7 years ago

I don’t need to get with your or any program, nor do I wish to be attacked further. I think you devolved to a shallow discussion when there was a larger issue. Not to worry, I’m terminating my membership. Feel free to natter on without me about any topic you please.

3/10. “Terminating my membership” is a nice touch, but why even bother flouncing if you’ve only made one previous comment? You could just say nothing and be a drive-by commenter.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

“Terminating my membership” LOL!

Is there a registration or fee someone forgot to tell me about?

Piss off if you’re going to be trollish. There are innumerable feminist websites where going off-topic is not welcome – go hang out on them and leave us to, y’know, enjoy talking about what we’re talking about.

(Anyone get a socky smell of “What you’re talking about isn’t important! You should talk about what I want to talk about!” mansplaining from this concern troll?)

pecunium
7 years ago

DannyJane: I don’t need to get with your or any program, nor do I wish to be attacked further

Then don’t insult people. Don’t presume that the tail end of a 19 page discussion is the only thing being discussed.

I think you devolved to a shallow discussion when there was a larger issue.

So talk about what you think we aren’t. Don’t tell us we’re doing it wrong, when you weren’t doing it at all; not just in the previous part of this discussion, but here and now.

Your platitudinous preaching about, “the larger issue” still isn’t talking about it, just abusing us for not entertaining you the right way.

But go ahead, stick the flounce, everyone will be the better off.

reginaldgriswold
reginaldgriswold
7 years ago

“I’ve never been here before. Rather than read any one of the hundreds of posts with hundreds of comments, I’m going to click on the most recent comment and read no further. It’s not about what I want to talk about? I shall berate the posters for being shallow and off-topic. This will make me popular!”

Some Gal Not Bored at All

I think “an important topic these days” was particularly snotty. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Assuming they understood the oh-so-complex if/if not choices I presented, they chose troll.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

“And then I will wax indignant when it doesn’t!”

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Some Gal – yeah, that “an important topic these days” has a very trolly smell (possibly old socks). I mean, who comes in talking about misogyny as if it’s something new?

Some Gal Not Bored at All

The off-topic tangents are one of the best things about the comments here. I would have lurked anyway, but it is the great community (built on sharing random fun, advice, and stories) that made me a commenter.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Same here.

I can’t remember if someone said it just the other day or it was in an old thread I was reading, but I agree with the comment that the derails are a big part of the fun here. They said how joyless some of the feminist blogs they read are, terribly serious and always on-topic. Which is fine, and important for anyone who prefers that style, but hell, when did it become a rule that all blogs have to be like that? Or that random tut-tutting trolls get to tell David how to run his own blog? (This one had nothing like the staying power of Schticky, lol.)

I’ve learned a hell of a lot here, and plenty of it was from totally OT stuff. Besides which, given the toxicity of the stuff David posts about, who could bear to be on topic all the time? And what’s the bet that even if we were, DannyPrecious &co would then tell us to stop being so frivolous by using mockery instead of having a Serious Discussion?

cloudiah
7 years ago

I seriously think we should ONLY talk about hair for the next week, just to make sure DannyJane doesn’t come back. I think I’m going to get a shaggy bob, just like reginaldgriswold! (Though perhaps I should ask Kittehs’ what haircut her sister has and go with that…)

pecunium
7 years ago

Cloudiah, I misread that as, “shaggy boob” (I blame The Naïf), which was a very different image.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Coincidentally, Shaggy Boob is the name of my 80s-era cover band.

Shadow
Shadow
7 years ago

@DannyJane

Why so serious?

@lowquacks

Just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you guys man. Hope your mother gets through this.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Shaggy Boob sounds like a beauty salon for Yetis.

My sister has a basic sort of bob type bob, cloudiah! 😀

Kim
Kim
7 years ago

I think that men and women being able to have a conversation together about something that men and women don’t traditionally talk to each other about (which is what most of these derails are) is as important to the fight against misogyny and oppressive patriarchy as anything else we do here.

As well as, you know, being good fun.

lowquacks
lowquacks
7 years ago

@Shadow

Thanks! Mum’s actually had the best sort of breast cancer to have really – detected early and not very present in the lymph nodes. Having very large breasts saved her from having to have a full masectomy, just needing the lump cut out, and the initial prognosis was that she’d just need a bit of radiotherapy, but more tests came back and she needed chemo.

She’s on one of the harshest chemo drugs but going unusually well and keeping a good attitude. She’s still got eyebrows and some head hair left, and at this point it seems unlikely they’ll fall out.

We’ve had really supportive friends and family and Dad shaved his head in solidarity when we clipped Mum’s short, which have all helped.

Oh, and there’s fun to be had clipping a chemo patient’s hair. Remember gonks? I had an idea.

lowquacks
lowquacks
7 years ago

@Kim

It’s not as if mockery is some sacred and important part of the feminist process anyway. This blog is essentially David curating an excellent selection of the most out-there misogyny to point and laugh at, and sometimes feel a little sick with, and it’s natural that that sort of atmosphere would invite digression.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Kim – that’s a damn good point. I’ve done more talking to guys about Stuff here than most of my life; all my friends have been women; the only men I’ve socialised with were their partners.

Lowquacks – it’s good to hear your mum’s got a good prognosis. Chemo’s bloody awful, my BiL had it for throat cancer a couple of years back. Lost his eyebrows but since he’s worn a rug for decades his head wasn’t affected. 🙂

Gonks, OMG! Mum made a couple for us when we were kids. Weird things.

lowquacks
lowquacks
7 years ago

Hmm, the gonks I just found online aren’t nearly as fluffy as I remember gonks being. That said, I only ever had/saw the one and it was a lot past the heyday (a Sydney Olympics thing given to my dad, IIRC) so perhaps designs change a bit. Mine was basically a big ball of fluffiness, like those hair ones.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Ours were just cloth ovals with flaps for feet and strands of wool for hair. And buttons for eyes … man did that creep me out.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

@drst:

When you dry it, be very gentle. No scrubbing your hair with the towel. Carefully scrunch the ends up with the towel, not too tightly, and don’t wrap the towel around your head.

I tried it this way tonight and got extra curl, so thank you! 🙂

(Yes there are three kitty pictures in this photo. That doesn’t include the kitty then rolling around on teh shoes.)

hellkell
hellkell
7 years ago

lowquacks: best wishes to your mom. Fuck cancer (just had an ex co-worker pass over the weekend from very aggressive stomach/colon cancer).

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

On curl maintenance – I recommend trying a microfiber towel, creates much less frizz. I also recommend finding a stylist who can do the Deva cut if there’s one near you. Not just for the cut, but because as part of being qualified to do that they’ll have received all kinds of other training, so they can give you useful tips. They’ll usually carry curl-specific products too.

Also, leave-in conditioner. Leave-in conditioner is your friend.

Some Gal Not Bored at All

I recommend trying a microfiber towel

I recommend everyone try one, regardless of hair type. I love mine so much. (I have three: one nice, pricier one, and two cheap, gym towel-type ones. The pricier one is a lot nicer, but they all work better than normal towels at drying hair.)

Some Gal Not Bored at All

@lowquacks

My thoughts are with you and your mom.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

I’d quite like a bigger microfiber towel, since my hair is pretty long when it’s wet, so if you have recommendations I’d love to hear them. The one I have now came from Deva.

Also, random tip to encourage curl formation. Take sections of hair and twist them round your finger, starting at the scalp and moving towards the end. Let air dry. When hair is dry, put your fingers through your hair at the scalp and gently shake it out. This works particularly well if you tend to wash your hair at night and then go to sleep with it wet, since it’s less likely to frizz overnight.

(Obviously this will only work if your hair has some natural curl or wave to it. For reference, my hair is super fine and about a 3a if you’re using the Deva system.)

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
7 years ago

(Actually I think Deva now calls my hair type Botticelli.)

inurashii
inurashii
7 years ago

My mom, who follows a curly hair regimen, swears by these ‘curl cloths’ that she asked for for Xmas. Apparently if you don’t have those, a t-shirt works pretty well.

Some Gal Not Bored at All

@CassandraSays

All of mine are hand towel-sized. I have a lot of hair, but as it is heavy and straight, I just wring it out, then wring it into the towel and pile it on my head, so the small size is fine for me. If I spot one, I’ll pass it on though.

Argenti Aertheri
7 years ago

“Wow are you all off topic. The subject is mysogyny–an important topic these days– and you’re all nattering on about your hair. Way to go.”

*dies laughing* and here I just braided mine because Pecunium does have a point about it ending up everywhere!

“My hair is straight as a sunbeam. I braiding it wet gives it some curl, for a couple of hours, but that’s it.”

…so you have my hair, but it’s red? *über jealous*

“(Anyone get a socky smell of “What you’re talking about isn’t important! You should talk about what I want to talk about!” mansplaining from this concern troll?)”

Yes.

cloudiah
7 years ago

Thinking good thoughts for your mother, lowquacks! And seconding hellkell’s “Fuck cancer.”

Myoo
Myoo
7 years ago

Hope everything goes well for your mom, lowquacks.

Leisha Young
Leisha Young
6 years ago

These guys always amaze me. If women are so bad then why are most men capable of finding women to be with and engage in long term relationships with and have meaningful friendships with? Do they honestly believe that the problem isn’t with them? Do they honestly believe that every woman in the world is wrong?

It gives a really interesting insight into how these abusive and controlling kinds of guys don’t actually see women as entirely human, but more as a pleasure object; the more you put into said object the more it pays out.

Michael Lindsay
5 years ago

The photoshop swirls really accentuate the horror of these things.

You know I met my partner of five years on OKCupid, it’s not hard-just be honest and don’t talk like (or be) a raving psycho.

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