Categories
$MONEY$ cock blockade dozens of upvotes evil women evo psych fairy tales I'm totally being sarcastic men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny MRA oppressed men paranoia playing the victim precious bodily fluids reddit spermjacking

Men’s Rights Redditor warns men: “Be careful with your sperm. Your very freedom is at stake.”

Men: Protect your Purity of Essence
Men: Protect your Purity of Essence

It’s official: Men’s Rights Activists are more obsessed with their “precious bodily fluids” than Dr. Strangelove’s General Jack D. Ripper. Over on the Men’s Rights subreddit, many of the regulars are celebrating Boxing Day by sitting around on their computers worrying about evil predatory succubi burgling their sperm. Check out this little post, which has gotten 90 upvotes so far:

MRspermworth92k

Yes, he really did just say “It’s as if your penis shoots magic IOUs every time you ejaculate.” If this is true, a lot of guys owe millions if not billions of dollars to a lot of old socks.

In the comments, other Men’s Rightsers shared their deepest concerns about the specter of spermburgling. SuicideBanana warns that the enemy may already be in your bed:

MRspermBoogywoman

Reconstrucht worries about the money-hungry sperm-hunters lurking in bars:

MRspermPredatory

And one future veterinarian contemplates giving up dating, in order to protect himself from the hypothetical women — sorry, soul sucking succubi — who might hypothetically use his future sperm in order to cash in big on his future vet money. Ca-ching!

MRspermSuccubus

Gentlemen: To fully protect your Essence, I suggest you ejaculate directly into a paper shredder, douse the results with hot sauce and arsenic, and pour the entire concoction into the nearest garbage disposal. Then flee the country.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

830 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

John, you are completely full of shit and possibly booze.

As a feminist, I have exactly zero MRA friends.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

“The lifetime numbers didn’t make sense to me because if men are 50% of current victims, how are they 20% of past victims. but whatever.”

Simplest answer is that the meaning of current there was a specific 12 month period, and it’s always possible that the year in question was an outlier — either more men than average were raped in that year, or less women were. And the margin of error on that was nothing like “let’s double it”, more likely it was (substantially) less than 5%. So we’ll say that 1 in 20 men are raped in their lifetime, which is 5%, plus 5% of that is 5.25%

Let’s pretend that all those rapes are without any birth control. At any given time 1 in 4 women are close enough to ovulating to get pregnant, so 1/4th of 5.25% works out to 1.3%

Considering that the only thing you mentioned that isn’t total BS is that women could lie about being on birth control and get pregnant that way, assuming that to be half as likely as men being raped, that’d happen to 2.5% of men. Accounting for the 1 in 4 odds that she’s ovulating, works out to 0.6%. Add in the 1.3% above and you get ~2% which works out to 1 in 50.

Mind you that’s a lot of assumptions, and with 1 in 4 women being raped in their lifetime, with 1 in 4 ovulating at the time, there’s a 6.25% chance of a woman being impregnated via rape. This ignores the rates of reproductive coercion by men. So yeah, bigger risk to women, by a factor of three.

“If a man has on average 1,000 social interactions with women where she might acquire his sperm surreptitiously…”

Let me finish that sentence — he should be more worried about STDs. Those rates run about 1 in 6 for herpes, 75-80% lifetime risk of HPV (generally clears without treatment), 0.015% for syphillis, 0.22% for gonorrhea annually and 0.5% for chlamydia. Assuming, say, 40 years minimum for STD risk, that works out to 0.6% for syphillis, 8.8% for gonorrhea, and 20% for chlamydia

Translation for the non-mathematically inclined – all of those but syphillis are higher than 1 in 50 – our high estimate for sperm jacking. One thing to say to that…

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

My math apparently took to long, *sigh*

whataboutthemoonz
8 years ago

OMG, please please please tell me that 1,000 social interactions with women is just talking with a woman over coffee at Starbucks…

I don’t know about you guys, but whenever my magical Atlantis-seeking vagina wants to burgle sperm, I do it in the middle of a Starbucks. I don’t even take him to the bathroom to fuck, I just use my magical succubus powers to do it.

Mis ter An der son, you’re a fucking idiot. Someone explain to him what’s wrong with that filthy hot mess.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

“I don’t know why it was that particular line out of all the made up statistics that made me lol.
It just did.”

Despite all the math, yes, the nailed it for me.

Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
8 years ago

If a man has on average 1,000 social interactions with women where she might acquire his sperm surreptitiously

Man: Hey, why is your hand down my pants?

Woman: Uh… you were walking funny, so I guessed your underpants were all bunched up. Thought I’d fix ’em. Make ’em more comfortable.

Man: Okay. (pause) You know, you’re taking your time about it,

Woman: Uh… You remember that scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High where Phoebe Cates… and we’re done!

(Exit woman, fiddling with a zip-lock bag.)

Man: Well whaddaya know. That is more comfortable.

(nine months later)

Man: Bill… bill… flyer… what’s this? Demand for child support! She wasn’t adjusting my undies at all! She was acquiring my sperm! And surreptitiously so, no less!

(pause)

Man: That really just doesn’t make any economic sense.

Diogenes The Cynic
Diogenes The Cynic
8 years ago

“As a feminist, I have exactly zero MRA friends.”

-hellkell

FTFY

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

“Better at what? Groveling for female attention. They’re better at that because they have to be. ”

Grasping that women are human beings and treating them as equals = grovelling for attention. Who knew?

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Oh look, Diogenes the Dumbass is trying his “neener neener neener you don’t have any friends” line again! What are you, six?

John Anderson
John Anderson
8 years ago

@ CassandraSays

“If a man doesn’t feel comfortable just accepting that then, like the woman in my hypothetical above, he should probably insist on using a condom too.”

I have no problem with this as long as there is consistency of thought, but I think what happens a lot of times is that people take the position that men are required to protect themselves and that this is reasonable, but that it is unreasonable to expect the same of women.

So telling a man who is concerned that a woman might not be truthful or accurate in birth control to use a condom is considered OK, but telling a woman not to send certain signals if she doesn’t intend to have sex, not to partake in certain behaviors like drinking because it increases the chance something bad will happen to her is considered misogynistic because a woman shouldn’t have to.

I’m not disagreeing. Simply advocating for consistency of thought.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

As for your friends there John, you think the rest of us haven’t had some weird ones? Dude, I’ve got an ex who spent some time in jail for sexual contact with a minor, Megan’s list, all that. Two rapist ex’s, one of whom was still stalking me as March (if any of y’all were wondering why I’ve been so paranoid about my location/ID/etc, this is why)

Getting the picture here? Everyone knows assholes, MRA, feminist, neither, assholes happen.

cloudiah
8 years ago

So… Why is saying the sun is male is “ludicrous” but saying god is male is a totally reasonable proposition?

thebewilderness
8 years ago

You can relax, DtC, you are likely to win dumbass of the year by a landslide.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

“As a feminist, I have exactly zero MRA friends.”

Fuck, I left my phone upstairs, while texting with the not-an-ex. Thanks for reminding me though!

cloudiah
8 years ago

Oh Bodsy’s scenario, so much laughage!

Diogenes The Cynic
Diogenes The Cynic
8 years ago

Yes, I am six. Astute of you.

cloudiah
8 years ago

I’d consider giving her a ride on the baloney pony, but it would just confuse her.

Your penis is pony-shaped and made out of baloney? Interesting…

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

Aw, lookit. Diogenes thinks he’s being cutting. Dance, monkey, dance!

Diogenes, you are a frothing dingleberry.

Diogenes The Cynic
Diogenes The Cynic
8 years ago

No hellkell, its you who can cut to the quick.

I mean frothing dingleberry. How can I compete with that?

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

You can’t.

cloudiah
8 years ago

Diogenes the Insipid, the sad thing is that you can’t compete with a frothing dingleberry, even though you are one metaphorically. An actual frothing dingleberry is loads more interesting than you are, and probably has a higher IQ.

cloudiah
8 years ago

hellkell you ninja — you frothing ninja!

whataboutthemoonz
8 years ago

“Why is saying the sun is male is “ludicrous” but saying god is male is a totally reasonable proposition?”

Beive?

lauralot89
8 years ago

The Frothing Dingleberry needs to be a band name.

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

cloudiah: great frothy minds froth alike!

Diogenes The Cynic
Diogenes The Cynic
8 years ago

whatabout

Do you speak any languages besides English? In French, like everything has a gender. “un” or “une.”

G-d has a male gender, and got it from Hebrew. But its in Hebrew because of some religious concepts about the nature of men and women. Y’all probably don’t want the detailed religious explanation, so unless its requested, I won’t give it.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

lauralot – make it the Frothing Dingleberries. Can’t leave people guessing which band member they mean.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Oh give it a break, Diogenes the Theologist. Yahweh was one of many gods, male and female, before the idea of the one-and-only deity took hold.

cloudiah
8 years ago

Can we start referring to him as Dingleberry the Frothing? Please?

howardbann1ster
8 years ago

G-d has a male gender, and got it from Hebrew. But its in Hebrew because of some religious concepts about the nature of men and women

Nothing post hoc about THAT particular explanation, nope…

cloudiah
8 years ago

Or perhaps Dingleberry the Frothy would be better.

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

Dingleberry the Frothy it is.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Oh, we’re doing gender and language now? Latin has three genders: male, female, and neuter.

Diogenes The Cynic
Diogenes The Cynic
8 years ago

The Kitteh

Any proof of that? Or are you just repeating what people told you about documentary hypothesis?

How about thinking for yourself? Might help.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Dingleberry the Frothy then!

cloudiah
8 years ago

Dingleberry the Frothy,

How about thinking? Might help.

whataboutthemoonz
8 years ago

I speak multiple languages besides English, you intolerable fucking numpty.

Diogenes The Cynic
Diogenes The Cynic
8 years ago

whatabout

Then you should have known the answer to your question already.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

LOL Diogenes, that’s rich coming from you, the failure at everything from history to maths, the one who says looking things up (ie learning about stuff) is intellectually dishonest. Do you think knowing and reading stuff is what “pull it out of your arse” means?

I think Dingleberry the Fizzler would be better than Frothy. He doesn’t have it in him do to a froth job like the great trolls of the past, he’s just a squib.

Bee
Bee
8 years ago

Diogenes, are you seriously saying that you have no knowledge of Roman, Greek, Norse, Hindu, etc. gods?

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

whataboutthemoonz: +1 internet for “intolerable fucking numpty.”

Diogenes The Cynic
Diogenes The Cynic
8 years ago

Read all the Norse and Greek myths when I was a kid. But were not talking about myths now. Were talking about the Bible.

cloudiah
8 years ago

He probably should be Aspiring Dingleberry the Frothy, since as I have already said an actual frothing dingleberry has more worth to society. Or so I’ve heard.

Bee
Bee
8 years ago

But were not talking about myths now. Were talking about the Bible.

AMAZING

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Oh, so the Bible isn’t myth?

cloudiah
8 years ago

But were not talking about myths now. Were talking about the Bible.

So. Much. Laughage.

SO. MUCH. LAUGHAGE.

(My sincere apologies to the non troll/non atheists here.)

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Funny how a kid who pretends he’s a cynic can trot out such a fundy line.

Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
8 years ago

Oh, god. I have a perverse love of Diogenes’ attempts to be an intellectual. It’s like watching a 97 pound weakling pick a fight with a whole rugby team. Enjoying the ensuing bloodbath is schadenfreude, yes, but… he started it.

Dude if you’re aware that polytheism exists and predates monotheism, then you should understand that “Yahweh was one of many gods, male and female, before the idea of the one-and-only deity took hold” is a perfectly valid statement. You tool.

Bee
Bee
8 years ago

No, clearly we’re not talking about myths (like Hinduism) now. We’re talking about a Bronze Age Hebrew deity who lives in the sky and hates people who eat shrimp.

Was that a joke? I feel like that had to be a joke.

Diogenes The Cynic
Diogenes The Cynic
8 years ago

The Kitteh

There is a debate rule called The Diogenes The Cynic Principle.

I’m invoking it now. The rule states that before a debate, both parties must articulate under what circumstances they would agree to their opponents viewpoint. Failure to do so means the person is emotionally, and not logically attached to their views.

So, unless you can articulate circumstances that would make you change your mind, I’ll assume your reasons for being an atheist are emotional, and not logical.

You don’t have to tell me what your standards are either. You just have to first agree to the Diogenes The Cynic Principle.

1 9 10 11 12 13 17