So over on MGTOWforums, the regulars are pondering the age-old question – should these committed women-avoiders deal with their continued desire to stick their penises in the women they’re allegedly avoiding by resorting to prostitutes?
In the midst of a lively discussion on the advantages of “going pro” over trying to pick up a “bar hog,” one regular by the nom de internet Xtc sets forth some thoughts that, for a moment at least, seem to transcend the usual MGTOW crudity and bitterness.
“I don’t think it’s really about sex,” he writes. “I think what a lot of people are looking for is love, respect, and intimacy – which you can’t buy.”
Why, that almost seems like an insight!
Alas, in his very next sentence he spoils the moment by returning to the standard MGTOW narrative of female perfidy:
I think what put me off women altogether was the realisation that you’ll NEVER get [love, respect, and intimacy] for real. It’s sad and sobering, but that’s the way it is.
Thinking that the attention of women validates you as a person collapses once you realise they are attracted to the worst qualities in the worst men.
Thinking that the attention of women equals affection, intimacy, or love – collapses once you realise they will leave you in a second if they sense any weakness or if a BBD [bigger better deal] comes along. Then you’ll realise that the meter was running all the time, whether this was clear at the time or not.
Women are like a bitter medicine that you force yourself to swallow because you believe it is doing you good. Once you realise it’s a quack remedy, and the whole thing is a scam, you’re free to spit it out and never partake again.
That leaves you with sex alone, which is really rather easy to come by.
If women really and truly are “attracted to the worst qualities of the worst men,” why aren’t they lining up at these dudes’ front doors?
Shiraz: I would love a drink. Scotch, neat. “What About Bob” calls for strong medicine.
Okay, I’m going to be genuinely nice, nicer than Bob really warrants, for a minute.
Bob, I’ve been burned, too. I’m not a big one for comparing pain or going into details, but I have literal, physical scars, not just the heartbreak kind of scars (though I have those too) from things one of my exes did to me. He was emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive. That should be enough to explain why I very definitely understand the concept of relationships being a frightening prospect, probably better than you yourself do.
So I get that. I sympathize with that. But the thing is, there are two ways to deal with having been hurt by someone. You can do what you’re doing now, and wallow in anger and self-pity. It’s tempting, and it’s pretty normal for at least a short time after being hurt by someone, and I don’t blame you for indulging in it for a while. The problem comes when you choose to indulge in it forever, because you will never be anything but miserable and bitter that way. The better way to deal is to actually try to heal. It doesn’t mean you never feel angry or hurt – you’ll probably always feel a little angry and hurt when you think of your ex. It means you let the wounds form scar tissue and move forward.
You know what I did after I finally got away from my ex? I went to therapy. I didn’t try to date, I didn’t try to feel secure around other people, because I knew I wouldn’t for a while, and that wasn’t my fault or their fault, just the way things were going to be. I didn’t try to do anything except get better, get stronger, get less afraid, get more secure in myself and my own ability to cope with bad things. I didn’t try to find a perfect relationship in which I would never feel scared. I tried to get to where, if something scary happened, I was equipped to deal with it. And a few years later, when I was stronger and more secure in myself and met a guy who seemed like he’d be pretty nifty, I started a relationship with both eyes open and both feet ready to run if I needed to. It’s been nearly five years now, and I haven’t needed to run yet, because – as I knew all along – most people aren’t looking to abuse me, just like most people aren’t looking to break your heart. Some days I’m still scared, because I don’t know the future or the inside of people’s heads, and therefore I can’t ever be 100% sure my partner won’t suddenly transform into an abusive monster (or leave me, or cheat on me, or drop dead, or any of the other ways things could go terribly wrong), but I deal with that not by panicking over the inherent uncertainty of life but by making sure that, if ever bad things happen, I’m ready to take care of me. Life is still scary. It always will be. That’s what makes it life – if we already knew how it all would go, if there was never any risk of things going horribly, painfully wrong, what would be the point?
The problem you have right now isn’t women, or stupid op-ed writers, or even your ex. The problem you have right now is that you are, as you say yourself, paranoid, insecure, and frightened. Getting angry at op-eds won’t fix those things. Yelling at feminists about how your ex should not have been able to change her mind won’t fix those things. And no magical new relationship will fix those things. YOU need to work on YOU, and that takes time and commitment and very possibly help from a nice therapist. For your own sake, please get off this site – and most especially, get off manosphere sites, because wallowing in bitterness is pretty much their raison d’etre – go find a cool therapist, and start working on you.
I am far too nice for my own good. (Either that, or I’m looking for pretty much any excuse to procrastinate on the big pile of irritating work I have to do tonight…)
Um yeah. Mr. David? What do you think?
I seriously do not understand people like Bob. I don’t go into MRA sites wanting them to baby me and coddle my little feelings and persuade me to not be a dick to them. And even if I did, they’d run me out on a splintery rail. What the hell?
Mansplaining why we’re all wrong seems to be a part of it.
You got it, hellkell. (pours drink) Cheers. Anyone else need a stiff one after being used as a free therapy circle — and nothing to show for it? Oh shit, you know what that means? Bob Friend Zoned us!
/sarcasm
Well, if you’re offering then I’d love a martini.
(Vodka rather than gin, please.)
I’ll have a drop of brandy in my tea if you’re offering, Shiraz.
Or should that be a drop of tea in my brandy?
OMG women are so picky! If women had less option like in the old days they would just accept the drinks that they were given and be grateful!
Aw. I can’t drink. 🙁
*nurses water*
OH SHIT SHIRAZ YOU’RE RIGHT!!!!
And it’s not like he’s dating anyone else and did you hear about all his good qualities? He’s a total HB (hot bob).
I’m a vodka fan myself, Cassandra. And Kitteh, how about a shot of tea in your brandy.
And somebody explain why these guys keep coming here to yell at us? Nevermind, I know….its a page or two back.
::glug::
Pity pot boys never go to therapy because THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM. He has said it a kazillion times. Why won’t anyone believe him?
I’ll have a hot toddy if you please. I could use some warm comfort after wading through all those red flags.
No worries LBT, virtual drinkies never fry your liver.
I have maple whiskey I got from a friend’s wedding, happy to share! *pours extra glasses*
Y’know, there’s one thing we can be grateful for. We don’t have to listen to Bob. Can you imagine being one of his workmates if he vents like this?
Maple whiskey sounds interesting (I don’t drink in real life – tried it and didn’t like it). Is it sweetish?
The drinks are all on me, and yeah LBT, virtual alcohol doesn’t count. 😉
Oh hell yeah, heidihi, he did Friend Zone us. Damn, I feel used. And all he did was talk about another women. What about us, huh? What about our needs?!
/sarcasm
I was thinking what it must have been like for the ex when someone failed to live up to pity pot boys unrealistic expectations.
“So, Bob, did you do anything fun over the weekend.”
“No, because that evil woman who I used to be engaged to broke my heart, and now my life is full of despair. I spent all weekend composing ranty emails to her and not sending them, and when I needed a break I went and found some other women and tried to nag them into agreeing that women are fickle and heartless.”
“Um, OK. I meant more like, did you get the chance to watch the big game?”
Shiraz, i think it’s because we spent too much time listening to his feelings. Now HB thinks we’re all betas. Or manginas? White knights? Something.
/attempt at PUA lingo 😀 THANKFULLY.
It tastes like sweet whiskey with a maple-y aftertaste, not exactly like drinking maple syrup (which I’ve done, I’ll admit… O Canada…) but it is kind of similar! it still tastes like whiskey and is a sipping bev, gulping not recommended, but it’s quite delicious!
::scamper:: My booze-dar is going off! :O