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Masculine digit ratios, come-hither wickers and careerist shrike tankgrrl females: Heartiste weighs in on the Petraeus scandal

Cats remain unconvinced by Heartiste’s bullshit

“So,” you’re probably thinking to yourself, “I’ve  heard a lot of pointless uninformed speculation on the Petraeus affair, but I haven’t yet heard what that PUA douchenozzle who calls himself Heartiste thinks about it all.”

Well, we’re going to rectify this tragic situation right now. Despite not understanding even the most basic facts about the scandal – he refers to “Generals Petraeus and Allen and their Lebanese immigrant, faintly masculine mistresses,” even though the only “mistress” involved in all this seems to be Paula Broadwell, who isn’t of Lebanese descent  — Heartiste has produced a 2500-word opus on the subject, with pictures and a graph. So let’s just take a look at the highlights.

Before getting into the details of the story, most of which he just makes up to match his predetermined notions, he sets the scene with some of his typically overheated prose:

Yes, the scent of an attractive, height-weight proportionate woman is strong, stronger still when her surroundings are populated by bloated pustules formerly known as women. Scent of a Womb, you could call it. Men sniff it in the air, like a wolf picking up the odor of prey animals, and they are sprung to action.

I assume that last bit is a reference to boners.

But it is useful to remember that as strong as that fertile pussy odor is to men, equally strong is the alpha male odor to women. Perhaps even stronger in women, since alpha males are so much rarer, and thus more exciting when discovered, than are young fertile women to men, who need only stroll around a SPWL neighborhood for a few minutes to ogle ten or fifty babes who can adequately stiffen the staff.

Well, that’s definitely a boner reference.

A woman in a room with a four star general is as overtaken by powerful urges to FUCK AND FUCK NOW as a man is when in the company of a pretty, young woman with suppleness in all the right places. …

Feminists can screech and shriek, manboobs can pule, white knights can huff and puff, but, like all of us, their knees too will bend to the cosmic prime directive.

I appreciate the plug, as always, but … their “knees will bend?” I mean, sure, knee-bending is involved in quite a few sex acts I can think of off the bat, but, you know, knee-bending is involved in pretty much everything that people with working knees do, from squat-thrusts to walks on the beach to sitting on a couch with a laptop, blogging.

Anyway, after Heartiste’s paean to the alphaness of four-star generals, he informs us that the generals involved here are actually “beta male[s] in alpha clothing.”

Petraeus’s (or was it Allen’s?) self-incriminating email avalanche is some proof that he harbors the soul of a beta. A real alpha male does not do the email equivalent of gushing like a lovestruck schoolgirl, unless he really was lovestruck. …

As for the archetype of Beta Males In Alpha Clothing, these types of men get action from women entranced by their status, but then quickly lose these women’s interest when their betaness reveals itself in manifesting clinginess. The leader of men can be just as blind to the nature of women as the celibate omega male or the cloying beta male.

Never mind that this is all baseless speculation, and that we still don’t know what was in Allen’s alleged “email avalanche” — or even if he was actually having an affair with Jill Kelley. Heartiste is willing to make up whatever details he wants in order to prove his foregone conclusions.

Heartiste then contrasts Petreaus’ wife with his alleged mistress, and seems most interested in … the relative lengths of Paula Broadwell’s various fingers:

Wow, notice that masculine digit ratio she has? That, plus the squared off, clenched jaw and forehead zit are leading indicators that this broad is well on her way to breaking a land speed record for cock gobbling the alpha males in her midst.

Apparently women with extra-long ring fingers are tigers in the sack. (Actually, we’ve discussed this weird theory before.)

How in tarnation is Petraeus’s potato sack poster wife for Puritan living supposed to compete with this fuel-injected sex machine? There isn’t a man alive who would pass up a chance at tapping that harlot if his only alternative was Miss Massachusetts 1687. You may as well dangle a chunk of raw meat in front of a starving lion’s maw and expect it to sit still for twenty years.

But lest anyone think that Heartiste would give a less-than-perfect-ten like Broadwell a second look, he quickly adds:

Look, I’m not claiming Broadwell is any raving beauty. She’s probably around a 7, adjusted for age. And she has that incipient manjaw going on, a classic tell of the late stage America, careerist shrike tankgrrl female with clit dick.

But in Heartiste’s New Math this 7 is also a 10.

But in relation to the wife, she’s a hard 10. Hard enough to cut diamond. If your wife — and I say this with the utmost clinical detachment — is utterly unbangable, then a 7 prancing around your office day in and day out, year after year, in high heels, pencil skirt and a sexpot squint will test the resolve of the most religiously indoctrinated or divorce theft-averse man. Every day you don’t expel yourself in the tramp’s come hither wicker …

Her what!?

Sorry, back to the quote:

Every day you don’t expel yourself in the tramp’s come hither wicker is one more day you drag yourself home to suffer in stark contrast the sad, depressing sight of the Michelin Ma’am dutifully holding down the home post. …

Petraeus had the equivalent of a thousand attractive men’s temptations thrown in his face every day. A choir of heavenly saints would have trouble keeping the Boner of Light in their pants under such circumstances. …

[O]nce the other woman crosses that threshold from “kind of prettier” to “yup, she makes my wife look like a duffel bag of laundry”, the infidelity is set in stone. And only those who loathe male desire will see fit to condemn such a man for his actions.

So it’s wrong to expect men in such situations to not, er, expel themselves in some conveniently placed woman’s “come hither wicker.”(Women who follow their supposed biological urges = evil. Men who do the same = they cant’ help it!)

The solution to workplace affairs, Heartiste explains, isn’t for men and women to keep it in their pants, but to segregate men and women in different jobs or, perhaps, to keep women out of the workforce entirely:

Tossing men and women together in the workplace is a recipe for dissolving marriages, sexually dispossessing beta males, and corraling women under the banner of a few industry captain alpha males. … The gender neutral workplace experiment has brought alpha males and fertile females together like no other arrangement yet devised by man.

Wouldn’t everything be easier if men and women were somehow magically kept apart from everyone but their spouses?

There is a reason why newly minted wives rush their husbands out to the suburbs, and it’s not just to get their kids into good white schools: it’s to sequester their men from the sea of luscious young pussy that swims the streets of the cities. Similarly, most husbands are much happier when their wives either stay at home or work in jobs where they are mostly surrounded by other women or beta males, like teaching or accounting.

This seems a strange solution to be proffered by someone whose entire blog is devoted to putatively helping dudes get it on with young urban women – sorry, with the “luscious young pussy that swims the streets of the cities.” But apparently Heartiste and his male readers are immune to his moralizing.

This is not the case with Holly Petraeus:

She did nothing “wrong”, in the Biblical or PC sense, but the fact that she obviously felt it reasonable to so fully let herself go is evidence that she cared not a whit for her husband’s animal desires, and was probably up to her ears in feminist ideology about the uselessness and evil of appealing to the visceral demands of men for physically attractive, slender lovers. Had she stayed thin (something which is entirely possible, barring very rare physiological ailments), she would have enjoyed more loving sexual attention from her husband.

After some ponderous reflections on love and lust, Heartiste ends the piece with a weird, disengenuous plea for the poor neglected betas of the world:

I predict that the cuckolded beta male hubbies, both of whom are “conventionally alpha” doctors, of Broadwell and Kelley will be the least examined aspect of this story by the media. Remeber, folks, men are expendable! And that goes triply for beta males. They are the forgotten lepers in the wilderness of unspoken tabulations of human worth. 

Wait, so the seemingly alpha generals are really betas, and the seemingly alpha husbands are also really betas? So betas are cuckolding other betas?

Is Heartiste the only real alpha in the world? Stay tuned.

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Sgt Grumbles
Sgt Grumbles
8 years ago

Yes. Being a loving wife and helping him advance in his career, giving birth to their children, loving him and sticking with him for decades counts for nothing unless she remains Victoria’s Secret model thin.

What are you saying, that he owes her sex for all the kindness coins she put into him?

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Fuck off, Grumbles. You’re just excusing his adultery.

Sgt Grumbles
Sgt Grumbles
8 years ago

No, I’m not saying that was the right thing to do.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

We know that you know that the bit you quoted didn’t mean what you’re implying that it meant. Knock it off already with the disingenuousness.

katz
8 years ago

…Has Grumbles been a secret MRA all along?

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

His posts are dubious enough most of the time.

Sgt Grumbles
Sgt Grumbles
8 years ago

@Cassandra
No, I can agree that it was wrong of him to betray his wife like that. But I can’t say that I know for a fact that nobody’s implying he should stick with her no matter what. Look at it this way: Holly isn’t overly concerned about her appearance. This doesn’t flay my fingers any, but David is pretty fit for his age, which doesn’t happen by accident. In that respect, the two of them aren’t exactly birds of a feather. If the genders were reversed I would have the same assessment of the situation.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Bullshit. You reckon Roissy and his ilk would say it was okay for her to commit adultery if she’d “cared about her appearance” and he’d “let himself go”?

And why shouldn’t he be “sticking with her no matter what”? This isn’t about him leaving an abusive partner. This is about him cheating. You’re implying that he should be able to cheat simply because she’s aged less “acceptably” than he has.

Shiraz
Shiraz
8 years ago

I get it now, heartsie digs chicks with masculine jawlines. Also, the way he talks about aging in an accusatory tone, I have to assume he’s immortal. Only cutting his head off and screaming “There will be only one!!!!” Will do the trick. He must be really hot too. Does he post his picture often? Does he? He most be a perfect immortal male.

Oh wait, I get, he’s afraid of getting older…..and hates his own guts. He hates so much that he sees everything as a flaw instead of picking up on all the beauty out there. Sad bastard.

MordsithJ
MordsithJ
8 years ago

I don’t see anybody implying that he should have stuck with her “no matter what.” The practical thing to do in his situation would have been to get a divorce. The media would have picked it up, the public would have yawned and gone back to reading celebrity gossip. It would have saved his career, and nobody would have had to suffer this intense scrutiny.

Sgt Grumbles
Sgt Grumbles
8 years ago

Bullshit. You reckon Roissy and his ilk would say it was okay for her to commit adultery if she’d “cared about her appearance” and he’d “let himself go”?

And why shouldn’t he be “sticking with her no matter what”? This isn’t about him leaving an abusive partner. This is about him cheating. You’re implying that he should be able to cheat simply because she’s aged less “acceptably” than he has.

Do I look like fucking Roissy? Is there something seriously wrong with your reading comprehension? I said I would have the same assessment of the situation.

And I didn’t say he was right to cuckquean her. There are other fucking options besides adultery and staying married.

Shiraz
Shiraz
8 years ago

Is Patreaus considered super attractive? I didn’t realize.

katz
8 years ago

I guess we’re paying the “make a highly ambiguous statement, act outraged when people try to interpret it” game?

I’ll pass.

katz
8 years ago

*playing, natch.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Implying that he shouldn’t cheat on her isn’t the same thing as implying that he’s required to have sex with her even if he doesn’t want to. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you’re not stupid enough to have thought that was being implied, which leaves us with a sneaky attempt to make it seem like feminists are being hypocritical. Again – no one is buying the dumb little gotcha that you tried to pull, so knock it off.

Polliwog
8 years ago

Look at it this way: Holly isn’t overly concerned about her appearance.

Out of curiosity, how the hell do you – or anyone who hasn’t met the woman – know the level of concern she has about her appearance? Maybe she suffers from profound bulimia. Maybe she buys every anti-wrinkle cream on the market. Maybe she ritually flays herself in front of the mirror each day. Or maybe she thinks it’s not ZOMG hideous for a woman in her late fifties to look like…a woman in her late fifties, and her concerns over her appearance focus more on things like making sure her clothes are neat and coordinated. Or, hey, maybe she sees appearance as secondary to character, and genuinely isn’t concerned about her appearance. I don’t know! And neither do you! And, frankly, it’s shallow, sick, and misogynistic as hell to imply that her husband being a cheating douchebag has anything to do with her supposedly insufficient self-flagellation over looking roughly the age that she is.

Also, I googled Holly Petraeus in order to see how terribly horribly awful-looking and luggage-resembling she supposedly is (Shocking spoiler: she is not, in fact, horribly awful-looking. She looks like a pretty normal 57-year-old lady, and not like a duffel bag, the Michelin Man, or a potato sack, contrary to Heartiste’s oh-so-brilliant assertions.) and now I kind of want to punch the universe, seeing as the top few results are things like “Is Holly Petraeus just not pretty enough?” and “The frump factor and Holly Petraeus.” Way to kick a woman when she’s down, media. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Just to be clear, folks, Grumbles apparently thinks that being “concerned” about your appearance can prevent not only weight gain but wrinkles and all the other signs of aging. If people just want to look young forever hard enough then they can!

I Googled the couple in question and the fact that Holly is heavier is literally the only way in which David looks “better” for his age than she does. Just like her, he has wrinkles and grey hair. They both look like you’d expect people their age to look. It’s just that sexist douchebags think that it’s OK for men to age, and a failure of willpower when women do.

Rahu
Rahu
8 years ago

@LBT

God, what is it WITH creepy assholes and the “starving lion” metaphors? My rapist used that one.

LBT – I’m so sorry – internet hug from me, too. And I know exactly what you mean, I got the lion/baby zebra/baby gazelle story taught to me over and over and over and ….. That is one popular story.

@Carleyblue – About the older men pursuing younger women, my boss is going to be 71 in a week, and he’s pursuing 17 year olds, has always done that and seems to have no intention of stopping, so I guess a lot of them just keep on going.

@David – thank you so much for this blog – and for being so funny in your writing! Same to the contributors here – @CassandraSays –

What did the English language ever do to him?

– 😀 😀

MollyRen (@MollyRen)
8 years ago

“What are you saying, that he owes her sex for all the kindness coins she put into him?”

There’s a GINORMOUS difference between “I don’t want to have sex with you” and “I am fucking someone else behind your back”. Discussing this with the wife, divorcing the wife, or hell, even having a partner on the side with her consent are all much, much better options.

reymohammed
reymohammed
8 years ago

That “swimming pussy” image could only refer to that Parisian street, once regularly flooded by the Seine, which was called “La Rue du Chat Qui Peche” j the street of the Fishing Cat. I myself have seen my cats dabbling in the jardinier for goldfish, but dive they will not. Jaguarundis will. If this guy wants to leap into a flooded street full of hungry jaguarundis – why, let him be our guest.

Sgt Grumbles
Sgt Grumbles
8 years ago

David Petraeus has grey hair? Hardly.

reymohammed
reymohammed
8 years ago

Of course, I wondered how long it’d take some MRA to get to the Olive Green Soap Opera, as presented by Palmolive Theater.

As to personal hygiene, in Florida, even the cleanest people sweat. If you don’t, you croak. If a person showers and changes clothing often enough, it’s not inherently offensive. In fact, mixed with salt water and coconut oil, the scent of freshly sunned skin is rather attractive. To be sure, it shouldn’t be allowed to stand too long.

Shiraz
Shiraz
8 years ago

Wow. Grumbles can’t accept Petraeus has grey hair…wonder what that means? Men get old too, dude. Why don’t you get that?

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Well, he can’t possibly just admit that he got called on his attempted gotcha and made an ass of himself, Shiraz. A change of subject would be so much less embarrassing.

reymohammed
reymohammed
8 years ago

Of course the General has gray hair, but then he uses Just For Men, and women fall all over him. Haven’t you seen those ads?

Sgt Grumbles
Sgt Grumbles
8 years ago

If he dyes his hair, then for all intents and purpose it’s not grey hair.

katz
8 years ago

Swimming pussy

Shiraz
Shiraz
8 years ago

Okay, it’s official…Grumbles arguements are stupid. Thanks for playing, Grumbles. Women look at men too….oh, I know it hurts, but…

Biot
Biot
8 years ago

What in the world did I just read?
My EYES…They have no mouths, and they must scream…

Shiraz
Shiraz
8 years ago

Biot, excellent Harlan Ellison reference!

Cassandra and Reymohammed, you’re awesome too.

Hesster
8 years ago

Come hither wicker? I guess Heartiste thinks whenever men see a nice looking lady, they want to screw her patio furniture.

magpie
8 years ago

wicker whatnot. it’s a fun thing to say.

katz
8 years ago

Wicker gazebo!

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
8 years ago

Criminy Grumbles, it took me less than thirty seconds to pull up a current pic that clearly shows his silver threads. He is going grey the same way I am, which is an odd way to go grey according to the hairdresser.

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
8 years ago

Wut?

Shaenon
8 years ago

In all seriousness, Grumbles, no, of course he doesn’t owe her sex. However, after 36 years of marriage, he does owe her a modicum of respect and human decency. If he really is cheating because he doesn’t find her attractive (which I doubt; I imagine he’s cheating because he wants to cheat), he he shouldn’t be married to her.

Magpie
Magpie
8 years ago

fishing kittens have pretty faces

Noadi
8 years ago

About how Petraeus looks: the dude was in the military for most of his adult life and they have fitness requirements even for generals. All active duty soldiers have to pass the Army Physical Fitness test twice a year http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Army_Physical_Fitness_Test

So no it’s not an accident he’s in good physical shape, it was a requirement of his job. Just like my dad is still in fantastic physical condition at the same age as Petraeus (in fact a quick googling shows they are only a few days apart in age) because his job is physically demanding. I’ve seen women not much older than me flirt with him thinking he was younger than he is, and you know what he does? He turns them down because he’s not a cheating douchebag even if my mom has had the audacity to be in her 50s and a cancer survivor.

An lnconvenient Truth
An lnconvenient Truth
8 years ago

Heartiste is, of course, completely correct. Holly Petraeus and women like her have no one to blame but themselves when their complete disregard for their appearance causes husbands to stray.

Amnesia
Amnesia
8 years ago

I appreciate the plug, as always, but … their “knees will bend?” I mean, sure, knee-bending is involved in quite a few sex acts I can think of off the bat, but, you know, knee-bending is involved in pretty much everything that people with working knees do, from squat-thrusts to walks on the beach to sitting on a couch with a laptop, blogging.

Knee-bending is an incredible feat to someone who thinks all women should be Barbies. Only the sporty Barbies have bendable knees, and that makes them wh*res.

whataboutthemoonz
8 years ago

I say this with the utmost clinical detachment

Liar!

Has this person ever spoken with another human in his life?

Nope!

“starving lion” metaphors? My rapist used that one.

ASSHOLE!

I’m not sure which he hates more – women or the English language.

Both!

The inconsistency of MRAs’ position is real and exists because their ultimate aim is to justify unfair privilege.

Yep!

This is one of the most poorly written, poorly organized, and poorly thought-out things I have ever read

Yep!

’m guessing Fartiste has a serious personal hygiene issue.

Shower!

A woman in a room with a four star general is as overtaken by powerful urges to FUCK AND FUCK NOW as a man is when in the company of a pretty, young woman with suppleness in all the right places

LOLWUT?

Fartiste has got to be the most shallow, superficial, egocentric creature on the planet

Yep!

What is a “clit dick”, exactly?

Intersex?

It is possible that Heartiste is just so stupid that he doesn’t realize moles are different than pimples, though.

Yep!

Heartiste is peddling pseudoscience

SCAM!

Why does Heartiste hate men?

Projection!

Schrodinger’s Vagina

T-shirt!

Alternately: BAND!

What are you saying, that he owes her sex for all the kindness coins she put into him?

Obviously not, now stop being intellectually dishonest!

Sad bastard.

Yep!

They have no mouths, and they must scream

Otep?

my mom has had the audacity to be in her 50s and a cancer survivor.

Badass!

eline
eline
8 years ago

Schrödinger’s vagina.

Schrödinger’s vagina.

You’re right, it needs a band or at least a T-shirt to go with it.

ithiliana
8 years ago

Somewhat related to the general issues of male hierarchy and status: John Scalzi has two brilliant posts and related threads about men, feminism, and the issue of MRA’s whinging about beta males/feminist manginas, etc. There’s also one brilliant comment on the damages caused by that Greek letter myth by Justin Watson that should be kept handy to whap trolls with.

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/11/18/quick-notes-on-my-personal-feminism/

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/11/20/the-existential-horror-of-betaness-or-not/

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/11/20/the-existential-horror-of-betaness-or-not/#comment-402621

Often, though, the NCO or officer who subscribes to the importance of his Greek Letter is exactly what our society has stereotyped the “Alpha” to be; a self-centered, careerist douche bag who earns neither the trust nor respect of his men. I can attest from personal experience (though it will probably come as no surprise to any thinking individual) that the most effective leaders, even in combat, are not “Alpha Males” as society at large thinks of them. The most effective leaders are not showy ball-hogs and ladder-climbers, but deeply committed and sometimes even personally introverted professionals who take their duty to country and their responsibilities to the men under their command as paramount. They are consumate team players, not spotlight rangers. Yes, when you’re commanding a mob of 18-24 year old boys, you can’t be timid and there are some mob psychology games you HAVE to win, but that’s a far cry from the chest beating nonsense that is sustenance to the “Alpha Male.”

Neurite
Neurite
8 years ago

Meghan Daum has a decent column on the awful media chatter on Holly Petraeus and what it implies about gender inequality persisting – the money quote, to me, is in the closing paragraph:

“The era of old, crotchety white male dominance may be coming to an end. But it won’t matter much until the women that replace them are allowed to get old and crotchety too.”

You can read the whole thing here.

Kim
Kim
8 years ago

And to go right off topic – more kittens… they are already at the scamp stage.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kimmau/8204682301/in/set-72157624590633830/

2-D Man
2-D Man
8 years ago

But it is useful to remember that as strong as that fertile pussy odor is to men, equally strong is the alpha male odor to women.

come hither wicker

SCENTED FUCKING CANDLES

cloudiah
8 years ago

Those are some cute kittens, Kim — and kittens are never off topic here.

freitag235
freitag235
8 years ago

Is it brain bleach time?