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Masculine digit ratios, come-hither wickers and careerist shrike tankgrrl females: Heartiste weighs in on the Petraeus scandal

Cats remain unconvinced by Heartiste’s bullshit

“So,” you’re probably thinking to yourself, “I’ve  heard a lot of pointless uninformed speculation on the Petraeus affair, but I haven’t yet heard what that PUA douchenozzle who calls himself Heartiste thinks about it all.”

Well, we’re going to rectify this tragic situation right now. Despite not understanding even the most basic facts about the scandal – he refers to “Generals Petraeus and Allen and their Lebanese immigrant, faintly masculine mistresses,” even though the only “mistress” involved in all this seems to be Paula Broadwell, who isn’t of Lebanese descent  — Heartiste has produced a 2500-word opus on the subject, with pictures and a graph. So let’s just take a look at the highlights.

Before getting into the details of the story, most of which he just makes up to match his predetermined notions, he sets the scene with some of his typically overheated prose:

Yes, the scent of an attractive, height-weight proportionate woman is strong, stronger still when her surroundings are populated by bloated pustules formerly known as women. Scent of a Womb, you could call it. Men sniff it in the air, like a wolf picking up the odor of prey animals, and they are sprung to action.

I assume that last bit is a reference to boners.

But it is useful to remember that as strong as that fertile pussy odor is to men, equally strong is the alpha male odor to women. Perhaps even stronger in women, since alpha males are so much rarer, and thus more exciting when discovered, than are young fertile women to men, who need only stroll around a SPWL neighborhood for a few minutes to ogle ten or fifty babes who can adequately stiffen the staff.

Well, that’s definitely a boner reference.

A woman in a room with a four star general is as overtaken by powerful urges to FUCK AND FUCK NOW as a man is when in the company of a pretty, young woman with suppleness in all the right places. …

Feminists can screech and shriek, manboobs can pule, white knights can huff and puff, but, like all of us, their knees too will bend to the cosmic prime directive.

I appreciate the plug, as always, but … their “knees will bend?” I mean, sure, knee-bending is involved in quite a few sex acts I can think of off the bat, but, you know, knee-bending is involved in pretty much everything that people with working knees do, from squat-thrusts to walks on the beach to sitting on a couch with a laptop, blogging.

Anyway, after Heartiste’s paean to the alphaness of four-star generals, he informs us that the generals involved here are actually “beta male[s] in alpha clothing.”

Petraeus’s (or was it Allen’s?) self-incriminating email avalanche is some proof that he harbors the soul of a beta. A real alpha male does not do the email equivalent of gushing like a lovestruck schoolgirl, unless he really was lovestruck. …

As for the archetype of Beta Males In Alpha Clothing, these types of men get action from women entranced by their status, but then quickly lose these women’s interest when their betaness reveals itself in manifesting clinginess. The leader of men can be just as blind to the nature of women as the celibate omega male or the cloying beta male.

Never mind that this is all baseless speculation, and that we still don’t know what was in Allen’s alleged “email avalanche” — or even if he was actually having an affair with Jill Kelley. Heartiste is willing to make up whatever details he wants in order to prove his foregone conclusions.

Heartiste then contrasts Petreaus’ wife with his alleged mistress, and seems most interested in … the relative lengths of Paula Broadwell’s various fingers:

Wow, notice that masculine digit ratio she has? That, plus the squared off, clenched jaw and forehead zit are leading indicators that this broad is well on her way to breaking a land speed record for cock gobbling the alpha males in her midst.

Apparently women with extra-long ring fingers are tigers in the sack. (Actually, we’ve discussed this weird theory before.)

How in tarnation is Petraeus’s potato sack poster wife for Puritan living supposed to compete with this fuel-injected sex machine? There isn’t a man alive who would pass up a chance at tapping that harlot if his only alternative was Miss Massachusetts 1687. You may as well dangle a chunk of raw meat in front of a starving lion’s maw and expect it to sit still for twenty years.

But lest anyone think that Heartiste would give a less-than-perfect-ten like Broadwell a second look, he quickly adds:

Look, I’m not claiming Broadwell is any raving beauty. She’s probably around a 7, adjusted for age. And she has that incipient manjaw going on, a classic tell of the late stage America, careerist shrike tankgrrl female with clit dick.

But in Heartiste’s New Math this 7 is also a 10.

But in relation to the wife, she’s a hard 10. Hard enough to cut diamond. If your wife — and I say this with the utmost clinical detachment — is utterly unbangable, then a 7 prancing around your office day in and day out, year after year, in high heels, pencil skirt and a sexpot squint will test the resolve of the most religiously indoctrinated or divorce theft-averse man. Every day you don’t expel yourself in the tramp’s come hither wicker …

Her what!?

Sorry, back to the quote:

Every day you don’t expel yourself in the tramp’s come hither wicker is one more day you drag yourself home to suffer in stark contrast the sad, depressing sight of the Michelin Ma’am dutifully holding down the home post. …

Petraeus had the equivalent of a thousand attractive men’s temptations thrown in his face every day. A choir of heavenly saints would have trouble keeping the Boner of Light in their pants under such circumstances. …

[O]nce the other woman crosses that threshold from “kind of prettier” to “yup, she makes my wife look like a duffel bag of laundry”, the infidelity is set in stone. And only those who loathe male desire will see fit to condemn such a man for his actions.

So it’s wrong to expect men in such situations to not, er, expel themselves in some conveniently placed woman’s “come hither wicker.”(Women who follow their supposed biological urges = evil. Men who do the same = they cant’ help it!)

The solution to workplace affairs, Heartiste explains, isn’t for men and women to keep it in their pants, but to segregate men and women in different jobs or, perhaps, to keep women out of the workforce entirely:

Tossing men and women together in the workplace is a recipe for dissolving marriages, sexually dispossessing beta males, and corraling women under the banner of a few industry captain alpha males. … The gender neutral workplace experiment has brought alpha males and fertile females together like no other arrangement yet devised by man.

Wouldn’t everything be easier if men and women were somehow magically kept apart from everyone but their spouses?

There is a reason why newly minted wives rush their husbands out to the suburbs, and it’s not just to get their kids into good white schools: it’s to sequester their men from the sea of luscious young pussy that swims the streets of the cities. Similarly, most husbands are much happier when their wives either stay at home or work in jobs where they are mostly surrounded by other women or beta males, like teaching or accounting.

This seems a strange solution to be proffered by someone whose entire blog is devoted to putatively helping dudes get it on with young urban women – sorry, with the “luscious young pussy that swims the streets of the cities.” But apparently Heartiste and his male readers are immune to his moralizing.

This is not the case with Holly Petraeus:

She did nothing “wrong”, in the Biblical or PC sense, but the fact that she obviously felt it reasonable to so fully let herself go is evidence that she cared not a whit for her husband’s animal desires, and was probably up to her ears in feminist ideology about the uselessness and evil of appealing to the visceral demands of men for physically attractive, slender lovers. Had she stayed thin (something which is entirely possible, barring very rare physiological ailments), she would have enjoyed more loving sexual attention from her husband.

After some ponderous reflections on love and lust, Heartiste ends the piece with a weird, disengenuous plea for the poor neglected betas of the world:

I predict that the cuckolded beta male hubbies, both of whom are “conventionally alpha” doctors, of Broadwell and Kelley will be the least examined aspect of this story by the media. Remeber, folks, men are expendable! And that goes triply for beta males. They are the forgotten lepers in the wilderness of unspoken tabulations of human worth. 

Wait, so the seemingly alpha generals are really betas, and the seemingly alpha husbands are also really betas? So betas are cuckolding other betas?

Is Heartiste the only real alpha in the world? Stay tuned.

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melty
melty
8 years ago

Is he on drugs? I’d have to be intoxicated on something stronger than alcohol to type all that shit out

Amused
8 years ago

What, no paragraph analyzing the shape of Broadwell’s earlobes? Clearly, this was a rushed job.

Amused
8 years ago

melty: certain fungal infections do that. Seriously.

reginaldgriswold
reginaldgriswold
8 years ago

I think “luscious young pussy that swims the streets of the cities” has to be one of the grossest things I’ve ever read. I just imagine blue, dispossessed reproductive systems floating in the streets.

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
8 years ago

I suspect that the only thing Heartiste is on is a cocktail of his own inflated, insecure ego and a lifelong hate-boner. Also booze.

princessbonbon
8 years ago

Has this person ever spoken with another human in his life?

Seriously, this reads like someone who basically has been living in a cave and only emerging to gather TV sitcom videos to subsist on.

LBT
LBT
8 years ago

You may as well dangle a chunk of raw meat in front of a starving lion’s maw and expect it to sit still for twenty years.

God, what is it WITH creepy assholes and the “starving lion” metaphors? My rapist used that one. …unless Heartiste is him, which just seems really unlikely.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

I’m not sure which he hates more – women or the English language. My eyes glazed over after about the first wall of text.

And what’s all this codswallop about “scenting” men, alpha or otherwise? Got news for you, mate: the only time I notice a man’s odour is when it’s of the “Ewwwww, when did he last bathe?” or “Why the hell don’t you brush your teeth after you ate whatever that was?” varieties. I do not find random men’s odours appealing. I don’t find random men appealing. And they seriously do not have any effect on my knees.

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

Roissy’s got hatecrush, aw. He’s way too obsessed with manjaws, and I still wish his typing fingers would rot off.

However this was comedy fucking gold as someone who met her spouse at work:

Tossing men and women together in the workplace is a recipe for dissolving marriages, sexually dispossessing beta males, and corraling women under the banner of a few industry captain alpha males. … The gender neutral workplace experiment has brought alpha males and fertile females together like no other arrangement yet devised by man.

Can’t wait to try and explain to Mr. HK just how alpha he is. He’s going to look at me like the cats do when I do talk to them (i.e., like i have lost my tiny mind).

princessbonbon
8 years ago

Most of the men I know from work are lawyers or judges. Not sure if that makes them alpha or not.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

None of the blokes I’ve worked with has been of interest to me, nor me to them. Which works out just fine all round!

hermionesotter
8 years ago

Dammit, we’ve been rumbled. Our grand feminist overladies’ plan to make men’s affairs punishable by castration and enforce the right of ‘potato sacks’ to sleep with men is sunk. We might not even be able to forbid intimacy with beta males!!!!!!!!!!

/late night halfwitted sarcasm

*hugs LBT*
It’s a bad excuse. They want to pretend men can’t help themselves, and that everything is women’s fault. The inconsistency of MRAs’ position is real and exists because their ultimate aim is to justify unfair privilege.

freitag235
freitag235
8 years ago

I think my brain just imploded. This is one of the most poorly written, poorly organized, and poorly thought-out things I have ever read, and I grade freshman essays regularly.

Men sniff it in the air, like a wolf picking up the odor of prey animals

Not unless she hasn’t bathed in a week or so.

But it is useful to remember that as strong as that fertile pussy odor is to men, equally strong is the alpha male odor to women.

I’m guessing Fartiste has a serious personal hygiene issue.

A woman in a room with a four star general is as overtaken by powerful urges to FUCK AND FUCK NOW as a man is when in the company of a pretty, young woman with suppleness in all the right places

And a serious personal relationship with reality issue.

There isn’t a man alive who would pass up a chance at tapping that harlot

This is the part where I can feel all the brain juice starting to drain out of my ears.

but the fact that she obviously felt it reasonable to so fully let herself go is evidence that she cared not a whit for her husband’s animal desires

Yes. Being a loving wife and helping him advance in his career, giving birth to their children, loving him and sticking with him for decades counts for nothing unless she remains Victoria’s Secret model thin. Fartiste has got to be the most shallow, superficial, egocentric creature on the planet not named Trump or Hilton.

tl:dr: Freitag fears that he has lost at least half of his IQ, and is now referring to himself in the third person as proof that this is indeed so.

Magpie
8 years ago

But what about shirtless FBI bloke? Is he alpha, beta, wicker lion, or what? 🙂

princessbonbon
8 years ago

Paris Hilton does charity work though so she has that over him.

katz
8 years ago

…I’m still stuck at “clit dick.”

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Wicker lions. I’ve now got an image of Morticia Addams in her basket chair, with Kitty Cat the lion at her feet.

Poor ol’ Roissy, even getting the difference between wicker and whicker is too much for him.

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

I gotta laugh every time Fatiste mentions “SWPL girls” as if he and his followers aren’t the whitest whites who ever whited. There’s not a lot of soul coming from him.

clairedammit
clairedammit
8 years ago

But what about shirtless FBI bloke? Is he alpha, beta, wicker lion, or what? 🙂

I’m pretty sure that whenever a wicker lion gets near a hot chick, it goes up in flames.

Gloria
Gloria
8 years ago

This has gotta be some kind of performance art.

Polliwog
8 years ago

Everything in this is fucking bizarre, but somehow my favorite bit is the new piece of PUA wisdom that any woman who happens to have a mole on her face must be a giant slut. Why? BECAUSE REASONS.

gelar
gelar
8 years ago

It isn’t fair. I have enough trouble writing a measly 4-page essay with just as many pages worth of citations, while this guy blows his wad onto a keyboard. Grumble, grumble, grumble.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

What is a “clit dick”, exactly?

Roissy’s odd stylistic combination of angry MRA and Penthouse forum letter is painful to read. What did the English language ever do to him?

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Was it a mole? I thought he meant a zit, and that the new theory was going to be something about fucking lots of men = being exposed to lots of testosterone = altered hormonal balance, resulting in zits. I’ve seen misogynists float that theory about sex workers before.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

Wonder how they account for the pimples that can go with rosacea? Probably better not to know, I guess.

Polliwog
8 years ago

Was it a mole? I thought he meant a zit, and that the new theory was going to be something about fucking lots of men = being exposed to lots of testosterone = altered hormonal balance, resulting in zits. I’ve seen misogynists float that theory about sex workers before.

“LOL WUT” pretty much sums up my reaction to that nonsense.

But I assume he’s talking about the mole on Paula Broadwell’s forehead, insofar as Paula Broadwell has a mole on her forehead, and I haven’t particularly noticed her to have any pimples. (Admittedly, I appear to have spent a LOT less time staring at pictures of Paula Broadwell than Heartiste has.) It is possible that Heartiste is just so stupid that he doesn’t realize moles are different than pimples, though.

Magpie
8 years ago

Clit dick sounds fun

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

I have no idea what she looks like. If it’s a mole and he knows that, though, is the new theory that eeeevil female promiscuity causes skin cancer?

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

As long as the dick doesn’t have the misfortune to be attached to someone like Fartiste, of course.

Carleyblue
Carleyblue
8 years ago

I was actually hoping that there would be a post about the Petraeus affair here. You did not disappoint!

For some reason, the PUA stuff bothers me the most out of all of the different groups featured here. I mean, many guys would find straight-up MRAs to be pretty laughable, and the MGTOWs would mostly be laughed at, but the stuff found on PUA forums? That can also be found in real life. The idea that women like assholes or men who have money is very, very common, at least where I live. People will also get really angry when you question these statements in any way. I just have one question that keeps coming back to me: What do these guys, these PUAs, the guys I know who won’t settle down but only date younger women- what do they do when they hit 60? or 65? Even if we go along with the idea that a man can attract young women later in life, most women aren’t going to want to settle down with someone 40 years their senior. I know a guy who told me that he had always planned on marrying when he was 40, and to a woman who was about 25. Except… that didn’t happen. He is now 42 and the panic is starting to set in, I can tell. Do these guys plan on having kids, or on ever getting full-time jobs (assuming they want their wives to stay home they kind of have to)? They accuse women of not planning properly for the future, but I wonder what they think of their own future.

… Er, sorry for the wall of text and the somewhat unrelated musings.

cendare
8 years ago

@Hellkell, *thank you* for mentioning SWPL. He had actually written “SPWL” and I googled that, and I was like, uh, what? The urban dictionary definition is pretty MRA-tastic but also doesn’t make sense in that sentence — not that this would necessarily prevent him from using it.

MordsithJ
MordsithJ
8 years ago

A real alpha male does not do the email equivalent of gushing like a lovestruck schoolgirl, unless he really was lovestruck. …

It never happens, except when it does happen!

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

Cendare, I think I’ve seen him post it both ways, it makes no damn sense either way.

quantumscale
quantumscale
8 years ago

I think clitoromegaly can be caused by high testosterone levels. Is that what he’s referring to? Can he tell by the digit ratios? Or maybe the “zit”?

ScoPi
ScoPi
8 years ago

So if Patraeus is really a beta, why was the “alpha cock gobbling” Broadwell attracted to him in the first place. I’m so confused.

eline
eline
8 years ago

Wait.. I’m confused now.

If I’m in a room with a four star general I should want to fuck him because he’s emitting alpha pheromones. But since he’s actually a beta in disguise, where do the alpha pheromones come from? Or is his fake-alphaness actually a fake cultural thing and Heartiste is peddling pseudoscience? But why are my pheromone detectors telling me to fuck him then? Do they give out artificial pheromones manufactured in secret military laboratories for not-really-real-alpha four star generals so that women in the same room with them will want to fuck them? How do they determine which four star generals are alpha and which are beta-in-alpha’s-clothing?

My ladybrain doesn’t comprehend.

quantumscale
quantumscale
8 years ago

Oh, and there’s a NSFW picture in that link… sorry…

Tatjna
Tatjna
8 years ago

I don’t know anything about the Petraeus affair either but I googled it and the husband’s certainly no oil painting.

Also, Heartiste* should take a writing class.

* I can’t believe someone actually calls themself that.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

“General” suggests “all too likely to have covered up sexual abuse in the forces” to me, not “hot stuff”, given what’s come out recently about how ugly the Australian defence forces are. (Think abusive priests and cover-up bishops in different uniforms.)

katz
8 years ago

How can someone be a beta in disguise? Doesn’t acting like an alpha make you an alpha?

Dear God, I’m trying to make sense of it!

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

::fixes Katz a hot chocolate::

sabresguy5
sabresguy5
8 years ago

come hither wicker

WAT

[O]nce the other woman crosses that threshold from “kind of prettier” to “yup, she makes my wife look like a duffel bag of laundry”, the infidelity is set in stone. And only those who loathe male desire will see fit to condemn such a man for his actions.

Because, as we all know, men are just life support systems for boners, jumping from woman to woman as they see fit. To deny it is MISANDRY!

Why does Heartiste hate men?

but the fact that she obviously felt it reasonable to so fully let herself go is evidence that she cared not a whit for her husband’s animal desires

No, you see it’s his wife’s fault that Petraeus cheated because she had the nerve to be ugly in his presence. A GOOD wife wouldn’t insult his penis in such a manner!

katz
8 years ago

Thank you, I needed that.

isabeleve
isabeleve
8 years ago

I always feel bad for the wives in situations like this. Everybody and their dog gets a look into their private lives, and there’s always a jackass like this (often multiple jackasses) pontificating about how frumpy they are and if they’d just tried to make themselves attractive their husbands wouldn’t have had sex with other women. Bad, bad wife! It’s all YOUR fault!

Falconer
8 years ago

It’s been a couple of weeks, but I’m still trying to figure out how “Stuff White People Like” is an insult. Is it because the website stereotypes white people into Seattle yuppies and hipsters? That’s not terribly offensive, all things considered. I mean, it’s not like people claim we rub shit in our hair (someone actually asked me once how I thought people with dreds could stand to walk around with all the flies).

katz
8 years ago

I’m trying to figure out how SWPL is an adjective.

The Kittehs' Unpaid Help

who need only stroll around a SPWL neighborhood for a few minutes to ogle ten or fifty babes who can adequately stiffen the staff.

Why is it I’m getting the feeling this is the sum total of Roissy’s involvement with women?

Shaenon
8 years ago

Look, it’s perfectly logical.

1. The vaginas of beautiful women give off a mate-attracting odor, whereas the vaginas of plain women do not. The same goes for the balls of alpha vs. beta men. This is BIOLOGY. You cannot deny it.

2. Many alpha men are secretly beta men in disguise. You can tell because they don’t hate women. Nefariously, their bodies are still capable of producing the special alpha-male ball smell.

3. Similarly, it is possible for a woman to be both a square-jawed, pimply, mannish uggo and a hypnotic succubus with Beautiful Woman Vag Smell. Women can be utterly repulsive and utterly irresistible at the same time. It’s Schrodinger’s Vagina.

4. Feminism causes women to grow penises and reconfigure their skeletons into a more masculine shape. It also causes women to lose Beautiful Woman Vag Smell, which is why it’s so rare nowadays, except when it’s not.

5. Women with pimples on their foreheads love oral sex. (This part is true.)

6. This is all Holly Patraeus’s fault for willfully and unrepentantly aging over the past 36 years. Feminists convinced her to do that.

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
8 years ago

Well that explains everything, except the bit about how this unprofessional behavior was exhibited by a man who is purportedly the most professional man ever born. Or maybe that explains that too.

Bee
Bee
8 years ago

I think “luscious young pussy that swims the streets of the cities” has to be one of the grossest things I’ve ever read. I just imagine blue, dispossessed reproductive systems floating in the streets.

So yeah … swimming vagina, right?

It’s sad that a 59-year-old woman who has done so much for her husband’s career and for service people and their families is getting shit from this douche for not remaining a 20-year-old.

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