National Review has delivered unto us a puckishly paleoconservative cover story with a very Redditesque headline: “Like a Boss.” Which is perhaps appropriate, in that the story that goes with the headline uses the faux logic of evolutionary psychology (always popular on Reddit) in order to argue that Romney, a true alpha male, should be getting something like 100% of the female vote rather than trailing Obama by ten percent in this rather important demographic.
The article, by Kevin D. Williamson — no, not the Dawson’s Creek dude — starts off terrible:
What do women want? The conventional biological wisdom is that men select mates for fertility, while women select for status — thus the commonness of younger women’s pairing with well-established older men but the rarity of the converse.
And it only gets worse from there.
The Demi Moore–Ashton Kutcher model is an exception — the only 40-year-old woman Jack Nicholson has ever seen naked is Kathy Bates in that horrific hot-tub scene. Age is cruel to women, and subordination is cruel to men.
So, yeah. As Williamson evidently figures it, Romney oozes status, so therefore women should adore him. No, really.
You want off-the-charts status? Check out the curriculum vitae of one Willard M. Romney: $200 million in the bank (and a hell of a lot more if he didn’t give so much away), apex alpha executive, CEO, chairman of the board, governor, bishop, boss of everything he’s ever touched.
Heck, even his sperm is macho:
It is a curious scientific fact … that high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring, which holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap. The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons — the children of the general population are 51 percent male and 49 percent female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60 percent male. Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters.
But Obama, meanwhile, has got the sperm of a girly man:
Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes.
With so much going for him, Williamson wonders, why isn’t Romney doing better with the ladies?
From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote.
Because all women are inherently golddiggers. It’s SCIENCE!
Given that we are no longer roaming the veldt for the most part, money is a reasonable stand-in for social status. Romney’s net worth is more than that of the last eight U.S. presidents combined. He set up a trust for his grandkids and kicked in about seven times Barack Obama’s net worth, which at $11.8 million is not inconsiderable but probably less than Romney’s tax bill in a good year. If he hadn’t given away so much money to his church, charities, and grandkids, Mitt Romney would have more money than Jay-Z.
He’s big pimpin, yo!
So why aren’t the ladies lining up for him?
Well, Williamson suggests that despite his wealth, Romney doesn’t act as rich as he really is. Indeed, he’s been known to ride coach on airlines! Williamson urges Romney to fully embrace his inner pimp, because “Americans love rich people.”
Still, despite Romney’s failure to live as large as he could, given the amount of money he’s got in the bank, Williamson still thinks he’s pretty darn alpha:
Look at his fat stacks. Look at that mess of sons and grandchildren. Look at a picture of Ann Romney on her wedding day and that cocky smirk on his face. What exactly has Mitt Romney got to be insecure about?
A lot, really. Do you actually follow the news? If Americans – particularly American women — love rich guy alphas so much, there’s not a lot of evidence of this in the current presidential race. Heck, every time Romney acts like the rich person he is — you may recall his comments about his good buddies the NASCAR team owners — he becomes the butt of jokes.
Could it be that people don’t actually act the way that the cavemen and/or animals in evolutionary psychology “just-do stories” do? That, perhaps, those stories are bullshit?
Indeed, Williamson’s story is such an effective rebuttal of evo-psych nonsense, it’s hard not to wonder if National Review has just trolled itself. Or us.
Fembot said: I believe he meant that the 100 million incels would be normal guys, pushed out of the dating game by the 100 million Romney clones. Because, you know, there are 100 million women in America who would like to sleep with a Romney clone.
I know, I was making a silly joke. But reading it again, I’m not even sure why it was supposed to be funny. :/ oops haha
@Molly moon
Hey, I thought it was funny.
Anderson Cooper + Paul Ryan = HAWT
Sorry, Molly. I thought maybe you were being sarcastic, but I couldn’t resist commenting.
Sounds like you’re easily amused.
When the two pairs of piercing blue eyes met across the room, Paul felt a jolt through his body like a bolt of ice-blue lightning. “I’m straight,” he told himself silently. “I’m a Republican!” But it was no use. This man had a presence to him, a sense of power, that not even the knowledge of marriage’s integral role in society could control.
Memories began to return to him. No, not memories: Shadows, images, things from before that day when those two men in cammo and ski masks hauled him out of the wreck of that car. They’d taken him to a cabin in the woods and laid him on a stack of stockpiled gold bars, where they bandaged the cut on his head and set his broken leg.
“Thanks for helping me,” he’d managed to croak out.
“Help?” grunted one of the men. “What do we look like? Socialists? Communists? Social workers?”
“We help no one,” said the other, the one who was setting his leg. He had a voice like gravel. “That would be against the principles of enlightened self-interest. You are…an investment. Now repeat after me: My name is Paul Ryan, and I am a conservative.”
“My name is Paul Ryan…and I am a…conservative?” mumbled Paul. Something about it seemed wrong, but he couldn’t remember what. He couldn’t remember much of anything.
“Good. Now say: I want to end Medicare and make abortion illegal.”
Paul repeated the words.
“Good. That was the first lesson. Tomorrow you go out to that creek behind the cabin and shove your hand down the throat of a live catfish.”
Now, years later, the words had become his reality. He had known no other…until tonight, when he had spotted that famous visage from across the room. His heart was in his throat when he saw the other man beckon to him. Then they were face to face. A curl of cigar smoke rose between them, upsetting the calibration of Paul’s carefully toned body and making it difficult for him to think.
Paul had no words, but the other man seemed to understand. He left his drink on the bar and led the way out onto the balcony.
Framed by stars, he was only more beautiful. The cool night air cleared Paul’s head and gave him courage. Finally, he was able to speak.
“Rush,” he whispered, “I think I’m in love with you.”
Rush?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
MUAHAHAHAHA
Katz, you are evil. (And I laughed out loud.)
I’m a little confused by the ‘women should vote for Mitt Romney because he’s rich and rich alphas offer SECURITY!’ thing. Barack Obama is also rich. Yes, Mitt Romney is much, much richer, but both of them are far beyond the point where ‘security’ is any sort of issue. The chances of Obama’s family going hungry or dying from exposure or preventable disease is pretty much the same as Romney’s family, i.e., virtually zero percent. So even from a pure evo-psych perspective surely anything beyond ‘enough to life comfortably on for life’ is irrelevant? It’s almost like it’s all complete bullshit or something.
I can only think of one right-wing politician that I find at all attractive, and that’s Rita Pavone: singer, actress, unsuccessful Italian senate candidate, and potato.
When some guy tells me that I’m supposed to be impressed and get all pants-tingly about the amount of money that HE has, my immediate reaction is as follows:
http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3qjet0/
Seriously. Unless you’re just about to say “oh, and by the way, HERE IS ALL MY MONEY. It is yours without any strings attached,” there are zero fucks that I give in exchange for that information.
… am I the only one who finds “APHEX ALPHA EXECUTIVE!!” to be kind of a silly expression? I mean, the core idea is offensive enough (“women are basically bioautomatons to whom ALPHA SPERM is like a torch is to moths”), but… APHEX ALPHA EXECUTIVE? Isn’t that kind of like THE BESTEREST?
… and of course, I manage to misspell apex. Twice. Oops. Erm. Sorry.
MRAs’ worst suspicions confirmed:
http://www.ebay.com/itm/251136533193?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649#ht_911wt_1271
Yup, “Don Fall” banned, also the word “hoor” — we can thank Tom for that one.
blitzgal: “Whore” was removed from the filter when Tom was put on moderation.
I know a guy who would, my friend in fact. Since, you know, that all politicians are the same and are up to no good, it didn’t matter if he voted for McCain/Palin because he had the hots for Palin. Another one of our friends kept leaving voicemails for him in the voice of JFK to implore him to vote differently. He did, but he’ll still go on about how hot Palin is, and how politicians are all the same.
Bagelsan – I would read that book/watch that movie too.
Katz – That was awesome. This is why I love Manboobz.
katz: “It’s a conspiracy! All pale, blue-eyed, dark-haired white dudes become neo-conservatives!”
Argh, my personal taste is being used against me!
Although, The Husband Elect has green eyes. Am I in the clear from one day waking up with a neo-con in my bed?
I’ve learned to stop reading any article that starts with this sentence.
So that’s your game, Futrelle? Actively seeking articles that incorrectly describe Game and strawmanning the shit out of them?
Here’s a clue: Being Alpha is about fuckability, not electability. Millions of men desire sex with Megan Fox but almost none would hypothetically vote for her based on sex appeal alone. Romney’s arguable alphaness is fully overshadowed by his policies.
Now how about liking to some good Alpha/Game pages like Athol Kay’s excellent Married Man Sex Life?
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and 51% of the Earth’s population still hasn’t decided what it is they want, exactly. (Can it only be one thing? And who do they have to report it to, anyway?)
TK, honestly, I hope you’re joking. If not, fuck off….we’re not a bunch of exotic creatures waiting to be studied.”Can it only be one thing?” What the hell does that mean? Money? Oh! Maybe you meant respect? That would be awesome, if people stopped writing about us like we’re dumb animals.
That article was seriously painful to read, what with all the MRA dogwhistles in it.
I can say whore again?! YAY!