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National Review: Hey, ladies! Romney’s a total rich guy alpha. Why aren’t you lining up for some of that?

National Review has delivered unto us a puckishly paleoconservative cover story with a very Redditesque headline: “Like a Boss.” Which is perhaps appropriate, in that the story that goes with the headline uses the faux logic of evolutionary psychology (always popular on Reddit) in order to argue that Romney, a true alpha male, should be getting something like 100% of the female vote rather than trailing Obama by ten percent in this rather important demographic.

The article, by Kevin D. Williamson — no, not the Dawson’s Creek dude — starts off terrible:

What do women want? The conventional biological wisdom is that men select mates for fertility, while women select for status — thus the commonness of younger women’s pairing with well-established older men but the rarity of the converse.

And it only gets worse from there.

The Demi Moore–Ashton Kutcher model is an exception — the only 40-year-old woman Jack Nicholson has ever seen naked is Kathy Bates in that horrific hot-tub scene. Age is cruel to women, and subordination is cruel to men.

So, yeah. As Williamson evidently figures it, Romney oozes status, so therefore women should adore him. No, really.

You want off-the-charts status? Check out the curriculum vitae of one Willard M. Romney: $200 million in the bank (and a hell of a lot more if he didn’t give so much away), apex alpha executive, CEO, chairman of the board, governor, bishop, boss of everything he’s ever touched.

Heck, even his sperm is macho:

It is a curious scientific fact … that high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring, which holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap. The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons — the children of the general population are 51 percent male and 49 percent female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60 percent male. Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters.

But Obama, meanwhile, has got the sperm of a girly man:

Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes.

With so much going for him, Williamson wonders, why isn’t Romney doing better with the ladies?

From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote.

Because all women are inherently golddiggers. It’s SCIENCE!

Given that we are no longer roaming the veldt for the most part, money is a reasonable stand-in for social status. Romney’s net worth is more than that of the last eight U.S. presidents combined. He set up a trust for his grandkids and kicked in about seven times Barack Obama’s net worth, which at $11.8 million is not inconsiderable but probably less than Romney’s tax bill in a good year. If he hadn’t given away so much money to his church, charities, and grandkids, Mitt Romney would have more money than Jay-Z.

He’s big pimpin, yo!

So why aren’t the ladies lining up for him?

Well, Williamson suggests that despite his wealth, Romney doesn’t act as rich as he really is. Indeed, he’s been known to ride coach on airlines! Williamson urges Romney to fully embrace his inner pimp, because “Americans love rich people.”

Still, despite Romney’s failure to live as large as he could, given the amount of money he’s got in the bank, Williamson still thinks he’s pretty darn alpha:

Look at his fat stacks. Look at that mess of sons and grandchildren. Look at a picture of Ann Romney on her wedding day and that cocky smirk on his face. What exactly has Mitt Romney got to be insecure about?

A lot, really. Do you actually follow the news?  If Americans – particularly American women — love rich guy alphas so much, there’s not a lot of evidence of this in the current presidential race. Heck, every time Romney acts like the rich person he is — you may recall his comments about his good buddies the NASCAR team owners — he becomes the butt of jokes.

Could it be that people don’t actually act the way that the cavemen and/or animals in evolutionary psychology “just-do stories” do? That, perhaps, those stories are bullshit?

Indeed, Williamson’s story is such an effective rebuttal of evo-psych nonsense, it’s hard not to wonder if National Review has just trolled itself. Or us.

 

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CassandraSays
CassandraSays
12 years ago

I’m confused. Why would anyone think that women make voting decisions based on which (assumed to be male) candidate we most want to hook up with?

Even if that were how women voted (hint – it’s not), um, lots of women find Obama very attractive, whereas Romney is generally considered to look like a Ken doll complete with hard shiny plastic hair.

(The hair bothers me. I know politicians have to keep it neat, but does it have to look that shellacked?)

aworldanonymous
12 years ago

Gary Johnson gets advertised on omegle, which seems kind of skeezy in and of itself.

kladle
kladle
12 years ago

mitt romney’s head looks like somebody grew it in one of those glass boxes they use to grow those square watermelons in japan

Shiraz
Shiraz
12 years ago

This isn’t satire, ergo Williams should be put on probation for writing this. And what the smeg were his editors thinking? He insulted our first black president, women (singling out Kathy Bates for her looks — so classy!), baby girls, intellectuals, actual biologists….and so on.

The comments section for the original link is sooooo sad.

Molly moon
Molly moon
12 years ago

I don’t think Romney cloning himself 100 million times would create 100 million incels. Surely a couple of the clones would get laid.

Rahu
Rahu
12 years ago

I hope this doesn’t double-post – apologies if it does.

I just thought of something (mostly OT here, but the OP did talk about red deer and minks being like men who are saps, oh sorry, “Homo sap.”).

1) According to MRA/MGTOW logic, humans are just like animals, and our behaviors are just like theirs.

2) MGTOWs want to “go their own way” to somewhere where they can live with no females around (an idea I heartily support).

3) Certain animals (clownfish, for example), when in a group with only males, will have some of the males convert to being female, for purposes of sex and procreation.

4) This leads inexorably to the conclusion that when the MGTOWs do putter off to wherever they go, a short time later some of them will find themselves turning into females in order to have sex with the others and bear babies for them.

Now for my request – can I see their faces when they realize this? Pleeeeaaase???

ZA0
ZA0
12 years ago

When women vote, democrats win.

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
12 years ago

The comments section for the original link is sooooo sad.

My favorite is “so un-PC and therefore so true.” That website fails a surprisingly wide number of subjects forever in a very small space—biology, anthropology, logic, and who even knows what else.

aworldanonymous
12 years ago

So according to the ads on omegle, Gary Johnson is the new Ron Paul.

aworldanonymous
12 years ago

I said the name of a certain libertarian politician in comparison to Gary Johnson and got moderated, my apologies, I wasn’t aware that that particular politician was taboo.

fembot
12 years ago

I don’t think Romney cloning himself 100 million times would create 100 million incels.

I believe he meant that the 100 million incels would be normal guys, pushed out of the dating game by the 100 million Romney clones. Because, you know, there are 100 million women in America who would like to sleep with a Romney clone.

fembot
12 years ago

@aworldanoynmous

Huh? Saying a person’s name gets us sent to moderation now? What other things can we not say here?

Bagelsan
12 years ago

“I’d rather hit Paul Ryan. Yum. Even though his politics are abhorrent.”

Maybe if he had, like, lost his memory in a traumatic accident and needed to be nursed back to health and taught the real meaning of love?

…Nevermind, still wouldn’t hit that. I’d read a shitty romance novel about it, though.

Great. Now it’s head canon for me that Paul Ryan used to be a nice enough guy, suffered a traumatic head injury and lost his memory, and then was found by the Romney team and brainwashed into being the perfect Vice President of Evil. Only the love of a good man can save him. Alas, he is now virulently anti-gay!! What brave rock-hard-body hero will see past the shell of villainy into the man within???

lowquacks
lowquacks
12 years ago

Banned names: the first name of The Killers’ lead singer (I think), an acronym pronounced “Emma Ale”, Texan libertarian with a name that rhymes with “Don Fall”.

Mentioning these people never ends well around here.

Unimaginative
Unimaginative
12 years ago

Only the love of a good man can save him. Alas, he is now virulently anti-gay!! What brave rock-hard-body hero will see past the shell of villainy into the man within???

I would totally read that book. Or watch the movie 🙂

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
12 years ago

@fembot Think what “Ryan Paul” sounds like and you’ll get the idea. And also why the name is moderated.

Shiraz
Shiraz
12 years ago

@Tulgey Logger

How about the second half of that comment you quoted? “I will follow Romney into the gates of hell,” or something like that. Eessh. Good luck with that.

aworldanonymous
12 years ago

Well apparently the Randroids used the name of a politician with the initials RP far too much. I can probably understand the reasoning behind it, this particular politician’s supporters tend to flock heavily to the MRA side of things.

aceofsevens
12 years ago

Romney is quite flexible is his views. Those clones could easily turn gay if that’s how the winds were blowing. I don’t think you’d need to worry about incels.

fembot
12 years ago

Ok, thanks to you all for filling me in.

Nanasha
Nanasha
12 years ago

Why in holy hell would I vote for a rich guy who obviously only got rich by exploiting and stealing from those of us who don’t have a lot of money or connections, who, if elected, will probably use all of his power and clout to make things even MORE “friendly” towards people like himself (including himself) while screwing people like myself over even more?

Rich people get rich by *NOT* spending their money. There is something to be said for the Scrooge archetype. Sure, they donate money- that’s how they get huge tax breaks and other financial incentives that actually SAVE THEM MONEY so they can stay richer while appearing to be philanthropic (which makes their shady dealings less visible). Why don’t these yahoos get that?

Mitt isn’t offering me tens of thousands of dollars to vote for him. And if he WAS, he should be disqualified for fraudulent campaigning. I find it particularly disturbing that they think that women are going to vote for someone who wants to take our money, our reproductive rights and destroy all the tax-funded programs we’ve paid into for years simply because he HAS MONEY that he refuses to share anyway.

EEB
EEB
12 years ago

And, once again, the evopsych MRA forgets that lesbians, you know, exist.

I just love how he spends all this time explaining how according to Science! women should be voting for the super-Alpha Mitt Romney…and instead of concluding with, “Oh, look, Romney is seriously lagging behind Obama with women voters; guess this evopsych stuff is bullshit!” he decides that women are just too stupid or whatever to realize how Alpha Mitt really is, so the solution is for him to act even more like an out-of-touch, uncaring zillionaire.

I, for one, fully endorse this strategy. Come, on, Mitt! Win back those ladies! And, hey, while you’re giving tours of your mansions and talking about your favorite brands of caviar, why don’t you release your tax forms? Put it in book form: it’ll outsell 50 Shades of Grey and become this year’s erotic bestseller! I know my panties get moist when I read about rich assholes scamming their country out of more money than any “welfare cheat” ever could. Mmmmm, yeah, baby Say “Caymen Islands,” again. That’s hot.

katz
12 years ago

Great. Now it’s head canon for me that Paul Ryan used to be a nice enough guy, suffered a traumatic head injury and lost his memory, and then was found by the Romney team and brainwashed into being the perfect Vice President of Evil. Only the love of a good man can save him. Alas, he is now virulently anti-gay!! What brave rock-hard-body hero will see past the shell of villainy into the man within???

Is it wrong of me to want this to costar Anderson Cooper?

katz
12 years ago

Fuck!

cloudiah
12 years ago

Funny even with the blockquote fail!