National Review has delivered unto us a puckishly paleoconservative cover story with a very Redditesque headline: “Like a Boss.” Which is perhaps appropriate, in that the story that goes with the headline uses the faux logic of evolutionary psychology (always popular on Reddit) in order to argue that Romney, a true alpha male, should be getting something like 100% of the female vote rather than trailing Obama by ten percent in this rather important demographic.
The article, by Kevin D. Williamson — no, not the Dawson’s Creek dude — starts off terrible:
What do women want? The conventional biological wisdom is that men select mates for fertility, while women select for status — thus the commonness of younger women’s pairing with well-established older men but the rarity of the converse.
And it only gets worse from there.
The Demi Moore–Ashton Kutcher model is an exception — the only 40-year-old woman Jack Nicholson has ever seen naked is Kathy Bates in that horrific hot-tub scene. Age is cruel to women, and subordination is cruel to men.
So, yeah. As Williamson evidently figures it, Romney oozes status, so therefore women should adore him. No, really.
You want off-the-charts status? Check out the curriculum vitae of one Willard M. Romney: $200 million in the bank (and a hell of a lot more if he didn’t give so much away), apex alpha executive, CEO, chairman of the board, governor, bishop, boss of everything he’s ever touched.
Heck, even his sperm is macho:
It is a curious scientific fact … that high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring, which holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap. The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons — the children of the general population are 51 percent male and 49 percent female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60 percent male. Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters.
But Obama, meanwhile, has got the sperm of a girly man:
Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes.
With so much going for him, Williamson wonders, why isn’t Romney doing better with the ladies?
From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote.
Because all women are inherently golddiggers. It’s SCIENCE!
Given that we are no longer roaming the veldt for the most part, money is a reasonable stand-in for social status. Romney’s net worth is more than that of the last eight U.S. presidents combined. He set up a trust for his grandkids and kicked in about seven times Barack Obama’s net worth, which at $11.8 million is not inconsiderable but probably less than Romney’s tax bill in a good year. If he hadn’t given away so much money to his church, charities, and grandkids, Mitt Romney would have more money than Jay-Z.
He’s big pimpin, yo!
So why aren’t the ladies lining up for him?
Well, Williamson suggests that despite his wealth, Romney doesn’t act as rich as he really is. Indeed, he’s been known to ride coach on airlines! Williamson urges Romney to fully embrace his inner pimp, because “Americans love rich people.”
Still, despite Romney’s failure to live as large as he could, given the amount of money he’s got in the bank, Williamson still thinks he’s pretty darn alpha:
Look at his fat stacks. Look at that mess of sons and grandchildren. Look at a picture of Ann Romney on her wedding day and that cocky smirk on his face. What exactly has Mitt Romney got to be insecure about?
A lot, really. Do you actually follow the news? If Americans – particularly American women — love rich guy alphas so much, there’s not a lot of evidence of this in the current presidential race. Heck, every time Romney acts like the rich person he is — you may recall his comments about his good buddies the NASCAR team owners — he becomes the butt of jokes.
Could it be that people don’t actually act the way that the cavemen and/or animals in evolutionary psychology “just-do stories” do? That, perhaps, those stories are bullshit?
Indeed, Williamson’s story is such an effective rebuttal of evo-psych nonsense, it’s hard not to wonder if National Review has just trolled itself. Or us.
And this election year, he might be right, but not for the reasons he thinks what with all these restrictive abortion and personhood bills everywhere.
That slamming sound you just heard was my vagina shutting itself at the thought of having sex with Romney.
That slamming sound you just heard was my vagina shutting itself at the thought of having sex with Romney.
I think that slamming sound was all the vaginas in the country. Romney is making many a boyfriend and husband unhappy tonight; why does Romney hate men???
Vaginas shutting sound like 80s acid synths played over samples from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?
Also with these two posts worth of talking about alphas and all, I cannot be the only person thinking of this:
http://youtu.be/VWU5M1q0WqU
We need to make a virtual cone of shame for the trolls.
MRA LOGIC TIEM
-Gay people don’t exist
-Being gay is bad
-People only vote for people they want to fuck
MALE SUFFRAGE IS MISANDRY!
END MALE SUFFRAGE
also:
“It is a curious scientific fact … that high-status animals tend to favour knitwear which does not feature buttons or zips. Scientists theorise that displaying the chest and arms while pulling a jumper over the head could be a display of masculine security, while less fertile animals may feel threatened whilst doing such. Conversely, knitwear featuring buttons or zips could display a low reproductive value in not being able to adjust naturally to wind and temperature changes.
These preferences are nigh-universal throughout the animal kingdom.”
@lowquacks
The lack of opposable thumbs, or for that matter, thumbs, may explain these preferences as well.
So does this mean I’d be sexy if I wore a turtleneck?
Well, creativewritingstudent, I just tried putting a buttonfront cardigan on without using my thumbs, and, although tricky, it is possible. We may be underestimating animals.
@aworldanonymous
More to the point, are all turtles alphas? What about mock turtles?
@Lowquacks
I know, it wasn’t a very good movie, but I was still somehow reminded of it.
@lowquacks
Ah. Well, great apes and monkeys can put on cardigans and jackets. I did attempt to put on and zip up a jacket with my fingers and thumbs curled into my palm (so I could only grip with my bottom knuckles)… ‘paws’ are totally unsuited for zipping up clothing (or getting them off hangers, I cheated that part), and therefore wolves will just have to stick to wearing adorable hoodies, t-shirts, and jumpers.
He might be able to pay me enough to vote for him, but only if it were obvious that my state was going to go red anyway and that voting for Obama could not make a difference – and even then, he’d have to be shelling out some serious money. Like “enough to build and staff a new Planned Parenthood clinic AND a homeless shelter, AND also feed all the puppies at a local animal shelter for as long as they need before being adopted.” Basically, enough that the good I could do with his money would outweigh the icky, dirty feeling in my soul from voting for a slimeball like Mittens.
As for fucking him? No. God, no. Not even for the puppies. Sorry, puppies. There are some things one just can’t be asked to endure, even for you.
@Polliwog
Assuming this is done under the secret voting laws, you could super-duper promise to vote for him whilst crossing your fingers in your pocket, accept the money, vote according to your concience, then lie through your teeth. Then spend the money on Planned Parenthood clinics, homeless shelters, puppies, and possibly a cupcake.
I mean, I’m 28-hours honest, but Romney is a bad person. Nothing objectionable to lying to bad people as long as you do it convincingly.
Wasn’t Romney the one who drove on the interstate with a dog cage strapped to the top of his car?
Yep, and I’d vote for Seamus the dog before I’d vote for Romney.
And Devo wrote a song about Seamus!
http://soundcloud.com/orchardmktg/devo-dont-roof-rack-me-bro
I’d rather hit Paul Ryan. Yum. Even though his politics are abhorrent.
Maybe if he had, like, lost his memory in a traumatic accident and needed to be nursed back to health and taught the real meaning of love?
…Nevermind, still wouldn’t hit that. I’d read a shitty romance novel about it, though.
I like how you can pinpoint the beginning of the nosedive into outright ridiculosity with “However and but”.
Keep fucking that chicken, Steelepole!
I don’t understand the “Paul Ryan is hot” thing. He looks vaguely zombie-ish and has big douchey frat-boy features. I did hear about his politics first, so I could be biased because of that, but I’ve certainly found abhorrent people hot before.
The US population is apparently just under 315 million. Assuming roughly 3/4 of people are allowed to vote that gives 236 million voters. Assuming the population increases by 100 million Mitt Romneys, all of whom can vote, and all who vote for himself then assuming whoever wins the popular vote wins he’d need 68 million non Romney votes. That is roughly 29% of the voting public. Therefore if he clones himself 100 million times he’ll win. We also get to watch the clones battle it out to see which one becomes president.
@katz
Can you put a paper bag over someone’s personality?
Strewth. Romney’s a disgustingly wealthy bastard who’s never actually earned any of that money, who likes firing people, a draft-dodger, a player in a horrible, racist, misogynistic cult, he’s anti-women all round, he chooses a grotesque woman-hater as VP candidate, he’s fucking cruel to animals, his social ideas stink to high heaven and we’re supposed to fancy him?
Pardon me while I drink a bucket of cat pee, it’s more enticing than anything about that arsehole.
…and somehow an attack of the Romney clones would still be better than the Star Wars prequels.