National Review has delivered unto us a puckishly paleoconservative cover story with a very Redditesque headline: “Like a Boss.” Which is perhaps appropriate, in that the story that goes with the headline uses the faux logic of evolutionary psychology (always popular on Reddit) in order to argue that Romney, a true alpha male, should be getting something like 100% of the female vote rather than trailing Obama by ten percent in this rather important demographic.
The article, by Kevin D. Williamson — no, not the Dawson’s Creek dude — starts off terrible:
What do women want? The conventional biological wisdom is that men select mates for fertility, while women select for status — thus the commonness of younger women’s pairing with well-established older men but the rarity of the converse.
And it only gets worse from there.
The Demi Moore–Ashton Kutcher model is an exception — the only 40-year-old woman Jack Nicholson has ever seen naked is Kathy Bates in that horrific hot-tub scene. Age is cruel to women, and subordination is cruel to men.
So, yeah. As Williamson evidently figures it, Romney oozes status, so therefore women should adore him. No, really.
You want off-the-charts status? Check out the curriculum vitae of one Willard M. Romney: $200 million in the bank (and a hell of a lot more if he didn’t give so much away), apex alpha executive, CEO, chairman of the board, governor, bishop, boss of everything he’s ever touched.
Heck, even his sperm is macho:
It is a curious scientific fact … that high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring, which holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap. The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons — the children of the general population are 51 percent male and 49 percent female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60 percent male. Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters.
But Obama, meanwhile, has got the sperm of a girly man:
Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes.
With so much going for him, Williamson wonders, why isn’t Romney doing better with the ladies?
From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote.
Because all women are inherently golddiggers. It’s SCIENCE!
Given that we are no longer roaming the veldt for the most part, money is a reasonable stand-in for social status. Romney’s net worth is more than that of the last eight U.S. presidents combined. He set up a trust for his grandkids and kicked in about seven times Barack Obama’s net worth, which at $11.8 million is not inconsiderable but probably less than Romney’s tax bill in a good year. If he hadn’t given away so much money to his church, charities, and grandkids, Mitt Romney would have more money than Jay-Z.
He’s big pimpin, yo!
So why aren’t the ladies lining up for him?
Well, Williamson suggests that despite his wealth, Romney doesn’t act as rich as he really is. Indeed, he’s been known to ride coach on airlines! Williamson urges Romney to fully embrace his inner pimp, because “Americans love rich people.”
Still, despite Romney’s failure to live as large as he could, given the amount of money he’s got in the bank, Williamson still thinks he’s pretty darn alpha:
Look at his fat stacks. Look at that mess of sons and grandchildren. Look at a picture of Ann Romney on her wedding day and that cocky smirk on his face. What exactly has Mitt Romney got to be insecure about?
A lot, really. Do you actually follow the news? If Americans – particularly American women — love rich guy alphas so much, there’s not a lot of evidence of this in the current presidential race. Heck, every time Romney acts like the rich person he is — you may recall his comments about his good buddies the NASCAR team owners — he becomes the butt of jokes.
Could it be that people don’t actually act the way that the cavemen and/or animals in evolutionary psychology “just-do stories” do? That, perhaps, those stories are bullshit?
Indeed, Williamson’s story is such an effective rebuttal of evo-psych nonsense, it’s hard not to wonder if National Review has just trolled itself. Or us.
…
Are you saying that if Romney had time to go round every woman’s house and offer to fuck them in return for their vote, he’d get them all?
“However and but” — another classic Steele phrase.
There are not enough grains of sand in the world to count the ways in which I do not want to fuck Mitt Romney.
If he could clone himself 100 million times, wouldn’t his fortune be split 100 million ways? Or more realistically, the multiple Romneys would become involved in the biggest civil case in history? And he’s not that great looking – he’s politician handsome, not real handsome. So why would these women want…
Got it! Women love them some funky Mormon undergarments. Gives a dude an air of mystery.
Women, like men, vote based on their political views, not how much money a candidate has. Also, where’s the scientific research suggesting alpha males have more sons? I’ve never heard this before.
The primary motivation involved is not Romney’s physical appearance – though that does come into play – but his financial security, his personal power, and his all around, for lack of a better word “alpha male” characteristics.
…He does realize that voting for someone doesn’t cause you to breed with them, right?
Anyway, if Romney really is so desirable, the women of America should vote against him. That way he’ll have much more free time and much less press scrutiny, and will be far more available for breeding.
Mikey, I don’t think Romney’s hot, but if you do, well, each to his own.
The problem with common sense is that it’s all too common.
My reproductive organs are confused. If they want to vote for the candidate most likely to give them babies, why did I vote for Hillary Clinton in the 2008 primary? Maybe my reproductive organs think that, like cats, Hillary Clinton and I would raise our kittens – er, I mean, “The American People” – communally?
Keep vomiting debunked nonsense, Steele.
I’m beginning to think Steele may not be entirely serious.
If Romney cloned himself and offered to bone me, I would not be able to slam the door in his face hard enough. (Obama, on the other hand… but only if Michelle was invited too. Badasses in chief.)
It isn’t now.
I have conducted an exhaustive survey, and not every woman wants to fuck Mitt Romney.
Hypothesis: My wife is an individual, and has her own sexual preferences, likes, and dislikes.
Null Hypothesis: My wife is the same as every other woman, and shares sexual preferences, likes and dislikes with every other woman.
Methodology: I asked my wife, “Honey, do you want to fuck Mitt Romney?”
Results: My wife said, “God no, I’m not into robots.”
Conclusions: Not every woman wants to fuck Mitt Romney. Therefore, the hypothesis is confirmed, and the null hypothesis is rejected.
p < 0.05.
Heaven forbid we ever have a poll tax payable in vagina.
Mitt Romney is disgusting and I would not fuck him if every other man on earth were omega.
What? I mean if he could clone himself he vote for himself? What is this nonsense… even for Varpole it’s foolish.
Der Mittster could marry them all… he’s a Mormon. All he need to do is declare himself a new Prophet, say that plural marriage is godly again and marry all those babes… because we know they all want him… it’s BIOLOGY!
internallydisplaced: I have friends who are expats. They have to pay tax in the US, but they get to deduct any taxes they pay to other countries. So they aren’t paying any US taxes, since they are taxed more overseas than they would be here.
And they get to vote in local elections.
So it’s about status? Sure, money is one way to measure that. Of course, Obama is President of the United States, which means he already has the job that Romney wants, so by Williamson’s logic everyone should vote for Obama. Or maybe it’s more complicated than this ridiculous evo-psych bullshit.
Steele, my stellar boy: If Romney is so fucking alpha, why is he doing so poorly with women? Why is his present trendline looking like he’s going to lose?
Is Obama more Alpha?
Fembot:
I may or may not have had similar thoughts.
Also, why would a woman be attracted to someone just for their financial security when she has her own, even if it’s less than millions? Then she can spend it or save it according to her values and not some rich dipshit’s.
Although Ryan strikes me as being one of those dudes that get uglier the more you’re around them and their disgusting worldviews.
I can’t decide if I’m more insulted by the article’s message, or how poorly written it is.