Ladies! Do you want to look younger? Forget green tea moisturizers and cucumber face masks and exfoliating gloves! Don’t waste your hard-earned stolen-from-men money on $200 Clarisonic Skincare Brushes or Botox or Shiseido Benefiance Pure Retinol Instant Treatment Eye Masks, whatever those are. Pickup guru Krauser, of Krauser’s PUA Adventures, offers four simple rules to help you look your best!
1) Don’t live past the age of 30!
Women possess a short fragile bloom of youth. From about age fifteen their body begins to take on a woman’s shape but it takes time for her to grow into it – to lose the puppy fat, have her hips widen, and develop the poise of a real woman – so she is kinda cute but not really able to inspire lust. Depending on the girl she’ll hit her true bloom somewhere near nineteen years old and hold it for a maximum of five years. She can continue to be sexy into her late twenties but the unmistakeable radiance diminishes.
2) Avoid “excessive careerism,” or, really, any job with any responsibilities at all:
Women are not designed to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Look at photos of Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson. When a man carries responsibility he takes on a weathered look that adds value. A weathered woman looks horrible.
3) Don’t drink (at least more than is necessary to convince yourself to have sex with Krauser):
Men are constituionally far more capable of holding their beer over time than women. It’s not merely because a man’s physique is less important in determining his overall value. Women who drink even 10 units a week are seriously messing up their hormones, their shape, and their skin.
4) Don’t have sex with more than one penis!
“[G]ood girls” who follow a healthy lifestyle and identify with the feminine last longer than “bad girls” who chart a path through hedonistic waters. …
Sex in itself adds to a woman’s glow but sex with different men detracts from it. A woman who gets herself fucked 500 times by one guy she loves will look good. If the same woman spreads those fucks across 30 guys she will look like shit.
Let’s do the math here:
One penis x 500 fuckings per penis =Youthful bloom!
30 penises x 16.67 fuckings per penis = Weathered crone look!
And remember, gals, once you’ve “squandered” your “bloom,” that’s it: “Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.”
Happily, at least for Krauser’s readers, there is no similar aging effect from contact with multiple vaginas. Evidently, the more vaginas your penis touches, the better! At least I assume that’s the case. Why else would Krauser devote his entire life to teaching those with penises how to get these penises into as many vaginas as possible?
I’ve always noticed that the people arguing that anything but monogamy would leave a lady “worn out” fail to account for that fact that monogamous people can have lots of sex, too. Now someone’s finally addressed that by… ignoring the dissonance? Implying vaginas have special penis-owner-detection properties which help decide whether to continue the aging process or not?
Possibly even more amusing is the idea that men age by being “manly”. I’m regularly guessed to be anywhere from four to eleven years older than I am, and I’m a big ol’ mangina beta by MRA standards, so…
Also: what the hell kind of penises have the people who named that penis snake been looking at anyway?
@Myoo, MorkaisChosen
We also have standard units of drink in Australia, except they’re called “standard drinks” and don’t sync up quite as well to common portions. Manufacturers have to put the number of standard drinks a bottle contains on the label.
@lowquacks:
Those penis snakes would be right at home in a tentacle hentai. Just sayin.
@kirby
So marine biologists are really into tentacle hentai? I know nothing of the genre except for “tentacle monsters rape women”, so I didn’t think of that angle. They still look nothing like dicks to me except for being longer than they are wide.
lowquacks: UK units don’t match up terribly well to your average pint, to be honest, especially as strengths vary…
I find myself hoping that I will, in fact, become invisible to guys like these upon reaching my 30th birthday. It’ll be really handy for figuring out which guys are douchebags and which aren’t.
Man, I wish, but I’m 34 and I just got macked on by a PUA for the first time. It was gross as hell.
You can tell I’m old because I think people still say “macked on.”
Go away, old person, you are obviously old and that is bad.
(I do not actually think this, I am trying to be funny because you are funny and I think that is awesome.)
@Shaenon
Ewwwwww, sorry you had to go through that. How’d you know he was trying the PUA schtick? I’ve never encountered one of these guys in the wild (or have, but they weren’t mackin’ on me on account of how I’m a dude, I guess), but I always imagine them as being shockingly obvious.
@lowquacks:
I meant more that they look that way to me, not to biologists. I can see where the biologists get it though, with the wrinkly skin that can sorta look like veins and the smoother, more bulbous head. It’s not exact, but it is a neat excuse to say the word penis repeatedly without being dirty. 😛
@Shaenon:
Story time? :D?
“Women are not designed to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.” Shame, but then who is, and what would they look like?
@lowquacks:
I don’t know if they would be shockingly obvious always… This story almost sounds PUA-y to me. Not entirely sure though.
Someone who’s slightly less of a myth nerd than me would say Atlas.
But Atlas held up the sky.
Atlas? Looks like a big dude in a toga?
B)
And yeah, I know it’s the sky. But hey, popular culture and that, y’know?
Is there a Platonic Atlas anyway? Surely if Atlas, a fictional character, is “the dude who holds the world” enough, he can be that too, right?
That brings up interesting questions. Certainly the original mythic Atlas didn’t, but yeah, there’s the popular understanding of it and the world-carrier archetype definitely is a thing.
Sorry everyone – off topic – Mo Farah has just run a great race to win the 10,000m – my hands are shaking.
@Hank
There is no such thing as off topic in Man Boobz comment threads. It’s why they’re the best places on the internet.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Also:
Yorkshire is 11th in the medals table! 😀
Not just rape!
I’m sorry. I’ve only been exposed to the stereotypes, I guess. Consensual tentacle sex sounds a lot nicer to watch, but it’s still tentacle sex. Horses for courses, really.
What do these guys expect? They don’t want women to age despite the fact there really is no control over it.
Man, a *lot* of hentai is really super-rapey, not just the portions of it that involve tentacles. It’s actually fairly disturbing; I hope that impressionable people aren’t reading it and coming to the conclusion that This Is What Women Secretly Want (TM).
It’s a team effort, actually.
Heffalumps! 😀