Ladies! Do you want to look younger? Forget green tea moisturizers and cucumber face masks and exfoliating gloves! Don’t waste your hard-earned stolen-from-men money on $200 Clarisonic Skincare Brushes or Botox or Shiseido Benefiance Pure Retinol Instant Treatment Eye Masks, whatever those are. Pickup guru Krauser, of Krauser’s PUA Adventures, offers four simple rules to help you look your best!
1) Don’t live past the age of 30!
Women possess a short fragile bloom of youth. From about age fifteen their body begins to take on a woman’s shape but it takes time for her to grow into it – to lose the puppy fat, have her hips widen, and develop the poise of a real woman – so she is kinda cute but not really able to inspire lust. Depending on the girl she’ll hit her true bloom somewhere near nineteen years old and hold it for a maximum of five years. She can continue to be sexy into her late twenties but the unmistakeable radiance diminishes.
2) Avoid “excessive careerism,” or, really, any job with any responsibilities at all:
Women are not designed to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Look at photos of Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson. When a man carries responsibility he takes on a weathered look that adds value. A weathered woman looks horrible.
3) Don’t drink (at least more than is necessary to convince yourself to have sex with Krauser):
Men are constituionally far more capable of holding their beer over time than women. It’s not merely because a man’s physique is less important in determining his overall value. Women who drink even 10 units a week are seriously messing up their hormones, their shape, and their skin.
4) Don’t have sex with more than one penis!
“[G]ood girls” who follow a healthy lifestyle and identify with the feminine last longer than “bad girls” who chart a path through hedonistic waters. …
Sex in itself adds to a woman’s glow but sex with different men detracts from it. A woman who gets herself fucked 500 times by one guy she loves will look good. If the same woman spreads those fucks across 30 guys she will look like shit.
Let’s do the math here:
One penis x 500 fuckings per penis =Youthful bloom!
30 penises x 16.67 fuckings per penis = Weathered crone look!
And remember, gals, once you’ve “squandered” your “bloom,” that’s it: “Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.”
Happily, at least for Krauser’s readers, there is no similar aging effect from contact with multiple vaginas. Evidently, the more vaginas your penis touches, the better! At least I assume that’s the case. Why else would Krauser devote his entire life to teaching those with penises how to get these penises into as many vaginas as possible?
Actually, I wish one of them would pop in and explain how sex with one man 500 times =/= sex with 500 men one time each. I’m sure to an MRA there’s a logic to it.
Further proving that these guys have no friends who are women or really even see women they aren’t actively (and ineptly) trying to fuck.
Off topic a little, but, I do love it when misogynists try to make Clint Eastwood look like their perfect vision of a manly, man. Especially since his work, both as an actor and a director, has been remarkably feminist in the last forty or thirty years.
(Not necessarily saying HE is a feminist, just that a lot of his directorial work is very fair and equal.)
Even if the guy who wrote this didn’t say it outright, by lumping him in with someone like Bronson, he is generally saying that manly men should be like Clint Eatwood, “who don’t take no shit from no damn females”, but this is an image of Eastwood that has been dead for many, many years.
“Men are constituionally far more capable of holding their beer over time than women. It’s not merely because a man’s physique is less important in determining his overall value.”
I don’t find beer guts attractive. I must be shallow or something.
At least his peak of female attractiveness is over 18?
…
Wow, I really have very low expectations for these guys.
Also, what in blazes is a “unit” of beer, can’t you just say “bottle”? Why do they have to write so poorly?
And ninja’d. That’s what I get for not refreshing.
Unlikely that he’s referring to the (UK-only?) idea of units of alcohol, being a standardised measure for how much you’re drinking- so a pint is about 2 and a half units.
Myoo, he probably meant pint, but the jackass can’t write. I guess they think making their writing read like a poorly translated stereo manual is a good thing.
I find myself hoping that I will, in fact, become invisible to guys like these upon reaching my 30th birthday. It’ll be really handy for figuring out which guys are douchebags and which aren’t.
Me: “Hi.” *waves*
Douchebag: *unfazed*
Me: “Okay, good to know.” *walks away*
You know, if FAAB people REALLY want to stay young-looking, they should go transmasculine. I regularly get taken as a sixteen-year-old (I’m twenty) and I know people in their late twenties and early thirties who are assumed to be teenage boys.
…Somehow I think Mr. Krauser would not like this strategy. 🙁
@Hellkell
Huh, I think you’re on to something. If I assume they just write everything in another language and then use an automatic translator to convert it into English it makes so much more sense.
Kyrie, if women want to have sex then having sex with them isn’t an achievement. I think sex to these guys is about taking something from women, and so if women don’t lose by having sex, then sex is pointless.
I’d assume a unit is the British measurement of a unit, which is one 25ml shot of certain spirits, a small glass of wine or just under half a pint of typical strength beer.
“Units” is actually used sometimes in studies in order to account for the differences in alcohol consumption across various cultures. In the US, something like 14 units is considered moderate, but the UK considers 12. Or something like that. I’m too lazy (it’s Saturday!) to look it up at the moment, but I was just reading about techniques for normalizing the numbers across different countries.
As for the OP, by their standards I should be rendered entirely unfuckable because I’m both over 30 and have had a gazillionty partners. But I’m regularly guessed to be quite a bit younger than I am despite having had intimate secksie contact with far too many penises. Maybe the vaginas I’ve had sex with turn back the clock a bit? Or are those neutral? They only make men sexier? I’m not sure.
I volunteer for Polliwog’s study.
Hey, Hemingway’s poorly translated stereo manual period is very well regarded by critics.
Doh! Units was repeatedly addressed. Damned my slow composition and laziness at refreshing.
So, assuming many penises makes you old and haglike, and many vaginas makes you delightfully rugged, where do gay men stand? Lesbians? Bi/pansexual persons of all genders?
Or is it affected by gender, so women become haglike with contact with many genitals, and men become delightfully rugged? In which case, where do people who are neither stand? Do they become ruggedly haglike or something?
Or are these guys talking out of their butts again?
I’m guessing butts.
Even better, if many penises make you old and haglike, while many vaginas make you delightfully rugged, does this mean that MRAs will stop complaining that 20% of the men have 80% of the sex (or whatever the numbers were)? If them having sex means that a man might be less rugged and the woman will be more haglike, would they selfishly put their own desires for masturbation-with-a-body over the well-being of their partner?
… I think I answered my own question… -_-
Delightfully rugged : men :: old and haglike : women.
They are EXACTLY THE SAME THING except that the PUAs don’t want to bang old men and do want to feel hot when they’re old.
“Polliwog – I always wondered why lesbian and asexual women look nineteen their whole lives.”
Yup. It’s a skill we have. (we=ace women)
So really the only conclusion is that age and number of sexual partners is correlated which, uh, duh.
]
Because they’re in a super special movement where everybody is totally super smart and knows right from wrong, and all of the other people outside of the movement are unenlightened plebians, they feel they have to use scientific lingo in order to keep up their image.
David wrote: “Charles Bronson is a very odd example to use of someone aging gracefully.”
Yes, I wondered the same thing. Bronson died on Aug 30, 2003.
Of course, there’s that an old joke about a corpse in a casket: Oh, he looks so life-like.
I think hags technically have to shriek omnious portents at heads of state, but yeah.
@Ozy
I’m going to start being more androgynous as soon as I have the money/knowledge/motivation to update my look, does that count as looking younger?