Ladies! Do you want to look younger? Forget green tea moisturizers and cucumber face masks and exfoliating gloves! Don’t waste your hard-earned stolen-from-men money on $200 Clarisonic Skincare Brushes or Botox or Shiseido Benefiance Pure Retinol Instant Treatment Eye Masks, whatever those are. Pickup guru Krauser, of Krauser’s PUA Adventures, offers four simple rules to help you look your best!
1) Don’t live past the age of 30!
Women possess a short fragile bloom of youth. From about age fifteen their body begins to take on a woman’s shape but it takes time for her to grow into it – to lose the puppy fat, have her hips widen, and develop the poise of a real woman – so she is kinda cute but not really able to inspire lust. Depending on the girl she’ll hit her true bloom somewhere near nineteen years old and hold it for a maximum of five years. She can continue to be sexy into her late twenties but the unmistakeable radiance diminishes.
2) Avoid “excessive careerism,” or, really, any job with any responsibilities at all:
Women are not designed to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Look at photos of Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson. When a man carries responsibility he takes on a weathered look that adds value. A weathered woman looks horrible.
3) Don’t drink (at least more than is necessary to convince yourself to have sex with Krauser):
Men are constituionally far more capable of holding their beer over time than women. It’s not merely because a man’s physique is less important in determining his overall value. Women who drink even 10 units a week are seriously messing up their hormones, their shape, and their skin.
4) Don’t have sex with more than one penis!
“[G]ood girls” who follow a healthy lifestyle and identify with the feminine last longer than “bad girls” who chart a path through hedonistic waters. …
Sex in itself adds to a woman’s glow but sex with different men detracts from it. A woman who gets herself fucked 500 times by one guy she loves will look good. If the same woman spreads those fucks across 30 guys she will look like shit.
Let’s do the math here:
One penis x 500 fuckings per penis =Youthful bloom!
30 penises x 16.67 fuckings per penis = Weathered crone look!
And remember, gals, once you’ve “squandered” your “bloom,” that’s it: “Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.”
Happily, at least for Krauser’s readers, there is no similar aging effect from contact with multiple vaginas. Evidently, the more vaginas your penis touches, the better! At least I assume that’s the case. Why else would Krauser devote his entire life to teaching those with penises how to get these penises into as many vaginas as possible?
he realizes clint eastwood isn’t actually dirty harry, right?
it’s just a character in a movie
If “men” should get all the vaginas they want, but “women” should only get one penis to keep their value, considering the balance of sexes in the world, id say something doesnt add up in the PUA world.
Also, Id say most women are more than looks and sex appeal. But Im a feminist, so what do I know!
A character who benefits from make-up, lighting, and advantageous cinematography for looking good.
Personally, though, Clint Eastwood isn’t attractive in my book. Neither is Charles Bronson.
“Sex in itself adds to a woman’s glow but sex with different men detracts from it. A woman who gets herself fucked 500 times by one guy she loves will look good. If the same woman spreads those fucks across 30 guys she will look like shit.”
[citation needed]
What exactly is the aging agent found in penises? Free radicals? UV rays? Beef hormones? Does each penis have its own strain, so that one cannot build a general resistance?
So I should actually stick to fucking women then? Can do, misogynist dude.
I’m recalled to a passage from the Hunchback of Notre Dame: “By this time she was twenty – an age at which, it is said, loose women begin to be old.”
Speaking of penises, look what I found on io9: Penis Snake (Really Amphibian)!
Probably NSFW, unless your coworkers are familiar with biology’s weirdness.
http://m.io9.com/5931784/penis-snake-is-neither-penis-nor-snake-but-looks-like-both
Now that I think about it, it actually holds true in my life. After I have sex, I don’t age backward, Benjamin Button-style. Explain that, feminists.
@Rutee:
My first thought was remarkably similar. “Oh, okay, so I can date the occasional dude but just have lots of sex with lots of ladies? That works I guess.”
Pretty sure the “weathered” look on cowboy actors is more about sun exposure than about the burdens of manly manhood.
That and very careful, deliberate styling to look like a cowboy. Give “weathered” a conditioning shampoo and a close shave and put it in a nice suit, and suddenly you’ve got “distinguished.”
What about those of us who really don’t care what this shallow individual think. Dead at 30? No thanks, that is when my life really got going. Blending Cosmo and every other vacuous magazine together and would still not get something as shallow as this.
I’m always dumbstruck by people who don’t understand how much effort it takes to look like you put no effort in your looks. The sheer amount of make-up, exercise, diet, lighting, and careful fashion Clint Eastwood has use is astounding. Have they ever seen somebody come home after working out in the hot fields all day? They don’t look a thing like Clint Eastwood, they look like they’re about to collapse and die. And they smell like they’re already dead.
Also, are all men just hiding some kind of secret, hyper advanced anatomy that somehow only affects half their species, because I have no idea how else they’d be able to somehow support approximately 6,000,000,000,000 ,000,000,000,000 (6E+24) kilograms on their shoulders, particularly since at that small a point, they’re probably just pierce through the surface of the earth.
I’m just relived that he thinks women hit their peak at 19 and not 15. It is kind of sad that I read this and am impressed he didn’t say anything pedophilic
Ugh, value, value, value. At least he doesn’t want to fuck 14-15 year olds, I guess.
“Depending on the girl she’ll hit her true bloom somewhere near nineteen years old and hold it for a maximum of five years.”
According to this, I should have lost my bloom and be on the slow slide towards being an unfuckable withered hag. However, bus drivers and the like constantly (try to..ahem, I’m honest me…) give me child fares (for 16yrs and under). WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
Am I past it? Or am I trapped in some kind of not-lust-inspiring limbo? Do I gain or lose points for this? I must know so I can better trick random men into buying me all my dinners and giving me jobs I am not qualified for!
You know, if MRAs are so convinced that women age as a result of exposure to penises, that should be pretty easy to put to the test. All you’d have to do is put together some photos of women of the same age, have the women in question confidentially reveal their number of sexual encounters with men to date, and then have the MRAs order the photos from least to most fucked. Assuming their hypothesis is true, they should be able to reliably get the order more correct than would be likely by chance alone.
So what do you say, MRAs? I’m sure someone could find a handful of women to volunteer for this test. Would you take it? Or do you know on some level how ridiculous this is, but just really enjoy wanking to the idea that having sex with a woman reduces her in some way?
(We could probably work up some even more fun tests, too, to try to figure out what aspect of penises is so bad for women. Would a female urologist be the oldest-looking woman ever, even if she’s a virgin, or do the Magic Aging Penis Rays have to be applied directly to the vagina? In that case, does wearing a condom prevent you from aging? What about fellatio? Are Magic Aging Penis Rays absorbed more or less efficiently by mouths than vaginae? Does ejaculation affect the MAPRs? Can you stay young-looking if you fuck hundreds of dudes, but don’t let any of them orgasm? SCIENCE DEMANDS ANSWERS!)
Truly pathetic. What they want is to be a playah and get lots of vaginal access themselves, but have each and every, um, girl? woman? female? be a sweet li’l virgin so she won’t have anyone to compare him to. Pathetic.
What’s worse, they spend their time actually thinking this shit up.
I’m beginning to wonder why MRAs complain so much about shaming language, they use shaming tactics a whole hell of a lot more than women and feminists do.
Polliwog – I always wondered why lesbian and asexual women look nineteen their whole lives.
most of what mra’s do is co-opt terminology from actual movements and then go ‘see, we’re just like them. our issues are real!”
also puas and mras are not always the same thing. they just happen to be connected by a hatred of women.
Why do these strange straight men hate the idea of women having sex???
@Kyrie, it’s not that they’re having sex, it’s that they’re having sex with men who aren’t them!
Charles Bronson is a very odd example to use of someone aging gracefully.
@Freitag: how can we ladies have sex with them if we don’t have sex with men in general? How, I just figured out! The whole MRM is actually a lesbian secret plot to recruit women!
@Kyrie, it doesn’t have to make sense to us, it only has to make sense to MRAs.
I know, right? Whereas “barely legal” porn stars all look 75 years old, obviously.