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Ladies! Maintain your youthful glow by limiting your p*nis intake

… at least if she comes into contact with multiple penises! (Pic from The Kitten Covers; click on the pic to see the original post there.)

Ladies! Do you want to look younger? Forget green tea moisturizers and cucumber face masks and exfoliating gloves! Don’t waste your hard-earned stolen-from-men money on $200 Clarisonic Skincare Brushes or Botox or Shiseido Benefiance Pure Retinol Instant Treatment Eye Masks, whatever those are. Pickup guru Krauser, of Krauser’s PUA Adventures, offers four simple rules to help you look your best!

1) Don’t live past the age of 30!

Women possess a short fragile bloom of youth. From about age fifteen their body begins to take on a woman’s shape but it takes time for her to grow into it – to lose the puppy fat, have her hips widen, and develop the poise of a real woman – so she is kinda cute but not really able to inspire lust. Depending on the girl she’ll hit her true bloom somewhere near nineteen years old and hold it for a maximum of five years. She can continue to be sexy into her late twenties but the unmistakeable radiance diminishes.

2) Avoid “excessive careerism,” or, really, any job with any responsibilities at all:

Women are not designed to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Look at photos of Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson. When a man carries responsibility he takes on a weathered look that adds value. A weathered woman looks horrible.

3) Don’t drink (at least more than is necessary to convince yourself to have sex with Krauser):

Men are constituionally far more capable of holding their beer over time than women. It’s not merely because a man’s physique is less important in determining his overall value. Women who drink even 10 units a week are seriously messing up their hormones, their shape, and their skin.

4) Don’t have sex with more than one penis!

“[G]ood girls” who follow a healthy lifestyle and identify with the feminine last longer than “bad girls” who chart a path through hedonistic waters. …

Sex in itself adds to a woman’s glow but sex with different men detracts from it. A woman who gets herself fucked 500 times by one guy she loves will look good. If the same woman spreads those fucks across 30 guys she will look like shit.

Let’s do the math here:

One penis x 500 fuckings per penis  =Youthful bloom!

30 penises x 16.67 fuckings per penis = Weathered crone look!

And remember, gals, once you’ve “squandered” your “bloom,” that’s it: “Once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.”

Happily, at least for Krauser’s readers, there is no similar aging effect from contact with multiple vaginas. Evidently, the more vaginas your penis touches, the better! At least I assume that’s the case. Why else would Krauser devote his entire life to teaching those with penises how to get these penises into as many vaginas as possible?

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pecunium
8 years ago

Eastwood got himself elected mayor to win a zoning fight about his restaurant. He did a decent job, but being mayor of Carmel isn’t the toughest of civic offices. He did one, and out, because he wasn’t in it for the job.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

@ pecunium

Yeah, you’re probably right. It was just so odd and random, especially when sleep deprived. Like, isn’t it a bit early in the morning for sleazy pick-up lines and wink-wink jokes about dancing?

Missy
Missy
8 years ago

Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson have the same job as Brad Pitt and George Clooney. I don’t understand how acting made two of them grizzled and the other two HAWT.

creativewritingstudent
creativewritingstudent
8 years ago

@Missy

Magic, I assume.

Plex Flexico
Plex Flexico
8 years ago

Hey, Cassandra:

You can bite me right back. Twice. Rape-y behaviour doesn’t have to result in rape. Taking advantage of a situation where someone is under the influence of any mood-altering substance when not been clear about your intent is creepy and wrong.

If you think it’s fine, then bully for you.

If you don’t give a crap about people giving informed consent to intimacy (and remember intimacy does not always mean sex) then you go right on being that way. I’ll keep doing the right thing and *not* doing that to anyone in any situation.

pecunium
8 years ago

For me the question is the verb phrase, “get someone drunk”. It does imply active effort.

I know that I’m not going to be happy if someone works to make me drunk, I’ve got no problem with observing how some handles drink. I don’t mind the thought of taking them someplace where alcohol is served. I’ll even buy a round.

But the intent of making them drunk, so I can suss them out… that’s the line I think Plex is drawing, and I’m not comfortable with that idea. Good intentions, or not. Because intent is problematic.

Snowy
Snowy
8 years ago

Rape-y behaviour doesn’t have to result in rape. Taking advantage of a situation where someone is under the influence of any mood-altering substance when not been clear about your intent is creepy and wrong.

If you think it’s fine, then bully for you.

If you don’t give a crap about people giving informed consent to intimacy (and remember intimacy does not always mean sex) then you go right on being that way. I’ll keep doing the right thing and *not* doing that to anyone in any situation.

Calling something that is not actually rape or rape-y by those words is problematic. Doing something without someone’s consent or using some kind of influence to get them to do something they wouldn’t have otherwise consented to is only rape or rape-y if the thing they aren’t consenting to is sex. Stealing someone’s wallet is not rape. Getting someone drunk and convincing them to buy you a bunch of stuff is not rape-y. And I think it’s the same with getting information out of a person. If a person is encouraged to get drunk and talkative they have not been raped. If you think it’s creepy and wrong that’s fine, but don’t dismiss the pain of actual victims of rape by calling it that.

Plex Flexico
Plex Flexico
8 years ago

Hey, Snowy:

Thanks for the lesson in my own life experience. I really appreciate being told how my own words affect me.

Also: If you think I’m dismissing their pain, you’re dead wrong. I’m saying that getting someone drunk and pumping them for info without telling them in advance that that’s what you intend to do is JUST AS WRONG. Consent isn’t just about sex. It’s a really, really big part of intimacy. If you’re trying to be intimate with someone under false pretenses that’s really, really wrong.

That you don’t see it that way tells me much about your views on consent.

Sharculese
8 years ago

Consent isn’t just about sex. It’s a really, really big part of intimacy. If you’re trying to be intimate with someone under false pretenses that’s really, really wrong.

yeah dude lots of things involve consent. it doesnt mean all of those things are the same as rape. what are you talking about?

jumbofish
jumbofish
8 years ago

Making someone drunk so they tell you info is wrong, but its not as bad as someone violating you body. They are not comparable.

He never said that ignoring consent in social situations was okay, he was annoyed you called it something its not (rape). Calling everything that breaks consent rape minimizes the experience of people who you know are actually raped.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Eh, it wasn’t meant to imply active intent so much as “going out drinking with a person in a social way and observing their behavior when they’re drunk, then noting signs of misogyny if they appear – in vino veritas, etc”. Poor phrasing on my part, to be sure, since I wasn’t expressing what I meant very well and expecting it to make sense based on context. Where the troll took it, though? Looks like I was right that zie is a troll. I figured, based on the whole “show up, make a couple of sort of reasonable comments, then try to pick a fight” thing.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

BTW, things that are like rape? Other forms of sexual assault that for whatever reason aren’t recognized by the law as rape in a certain jurisdiction. Things that are not like rape? Everything else that has nothing to do with sexual assault.

Plex Flexico
Plex Flexico
8 years ago

Hey Cassandra:

I know it’s nice to just label people who disagree with you as trolls, but you might want to consider that as someone who has been assaulted I *do* know what I’m talking about. Working with street outreach in “low-track” areas, I also have more than just my own experience to draw on when it comes to the multifaceted ways in which consent is eroded in our society and how many perfectly reasonable people exhibit behaviours which are common to rapists.

Want to know what other thing those perfectly reasonable folks have in common with people who rape? They never think they’re doing anything particularly wrong, because they’re “not as bad as the other guy”.

Perhaps you might want to step back on calling everyone who disagrees with you a “troll”. Sometimes, you might be in the wrong, and when that’s pointed out you ought to take a second and really look hard at your own behaviour.

Finally, that you expected that your intent would magically make your words clear, as you have stated was your expectation, is not my problem. Intent is not magical and no one can read your mind.

Sharculese
8 years ago

i’m sure you mean well dude, but this shit is not helping. none of what you said changes the fact that your argument doesnt make any sense. just because something has consent as an element, doesnt mean it’s rape. you’re stretching the word beyond all meaning and diminishing the experiences of actual rape victims.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Like Sharculese said, dude, you’re not helping your argument here at all. You are not going to find a receptive audience to the idea that things that are not rape are just as bad as rape here.

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Perhaps most telling are zippers that fail to close smoothly, instead catching and snagging..

cloudiah
7 years ago

David, did you just accidentally approve a spam email? Or is this another sign of ladies who have lost their youthful glow thanks to too many penises? XD

Petrovna
Petrovna
4 years ago

I am now past the beauty age of 25 and recently an attempt of day game was performed on me. I felt sad for the young man. There truly are better ways to approach other people. Any other way is better.