Pickup gurus write a lot about how to (allegedly) get sex, or how they (allegedly) got sex, but almost nothing about sex itself. It’s pretty clear that a lot of PUAs are more interested in the psychological manipulations and power games inherent in “game,” or in adding another notch to their score, than they are in the actual sex that sometimes results from all their efforts.
It goes without saying that most PUAs have little interest in their partners’ pleasure. In a post with the title It Doesn’t Matter If She Orgasms Or Not, pickup guru Roosh explained that once upon a time,
I used to try to last as long as possible in bed. I wanted to make sure the girl got hers before I got mine, and the reason I did that was because I thought she would be attracted to me more and want to see me again.
But, Roosh being the asshole he is, even this minimal level of consideration – which he extended to his partners for his own selfish reasons – turned out to be too much for him to keep up:
Gradually I just stopped caring, and soon everything I did in bed was for my pleasure only. The only reason I’d delay orgasm is to make mine better, and I pretended I don’t hear her the first time she told me to drill slower or not to go so deep. I did whatever I wanted because I came to value my orgasm as sacred, and her pleasure as second to mine.
Given that sex with him in was likely not such a great treat to begin with, he found that being completely selfish didn’t actually make the girls he was with like him any less.
Girls didn’t want to fuck me more, they didn’t want to fuck me less. Not caring about their sexual pleasure had no effect on repeat calls and repeat sex.
No wonder PUAs are so obsessed with very young women – they’re less likely to have experienced good sex, and more likely to be willing to put up with bad simply because they don’t yet realize how good sex can get.
Back in 2008 when he wrote that post, Roosh’s main sexual worry was coming too quickly; these days it seems he has trouble coming at all. Now, there are plenty of reasons why guys can’t orgasm – health conditions, prescription medicine side effects, everyday anxieties, decreased sensitivity with age, and so on. Guys shouldn’t pressure themselves into coming on demand, or feel bad if they can’t.
But Roosh actually seems to feel good about his inability to orgasm – because he’s learned to use this bit of sexual dysfuction as a handy tool to manipulate his partners further:
Not being able to orgasm is one of the best ways to make a girl feel anxious and insecure. When I’m unable to come, which often happens with condoms (raw dog for life), I simply stop sex and say, “I’m not going to make it.” I can almost see her hamster spinning…
Is he not attracted to me anymore?
Is there something wrong with my vagina?
Should I give him a blowjob even though I don’t want to?
These are not the sorts of questions any straight man who’s not an utter creep wants his partner asking herself.
Roosh continues, gloating that his inability to orgasm
also shapes the power structure of the relationship. She knows that a man who doesn’t orgasm is more likely to stray to get that orgasm. As a result, she tests you less and does more things to win your favor.
Or she finds someone else who’s not a complete asshole, and moves on.
When I was still dating, I found that a surprising number of men equate marathon pumping with good sex. And those men are completely deaf to their lover telling them that pumping longer doesn’t always translate into a better experience for their partner; on the contrary, intercourse that is too long can become tedious and at a certain point even begin to hurt. But the thing is, while those Marathon Fucking Guys tell themselves they are doing it to please the woman, this is in fact a stark expression of narcissism: it’s like they are trying to sex the world record for long they can keep doing this without taking a break. It’s not even something that they do for their physical pleasure; they do this for their ego. Which is why, no matter how gently you put it to them that endless pumping isn’t that great, they invariably respond with a fuckton of hurt, and whine about how there’s just no pleasing you, is there, and what an unappreciative bitch you are.
I remember reading one of his posts where he pretty much admits to being a serial rapist. Something along the lines of how he’d be in prison if he’d done to American women what he’s done to non-American women. A truly despicable person.
Yup. To be perfectly crass (and speaking as a cis woman), if I’m just a hole to the guy then I’d just as well prefer to not be there at all.
I don’t know, it’s just so HIDEOUS. 😛 I have the same irrational disgust reaction to “fap” that some people have to “moist.”
Personally I use “wank”, because British.
Wank’s good.
Speaking of British slang, it took me a while to figure out what a “pash” was (cv here.).
Finally figured out it was shortened from “passion[ate kissing].”
That’s the problem with watching so much classic Who — you miss out on current slang, especially since the new series is more for young adults than for children.
Holy fuck what holy fucking fuck D-:.
“Go slower” or “not so deep” are things I say during PIV because, due to musculature problems, PIV frequently becomes painful for me after a couple minutes. Other things I say to prevent pain include “stop”. I’m sure Roosh listens reeeeeeal hard when his partner asks him to stop.
How fucked up is it that I suddenly feel grateful that my partner wouldn’t continue hurting me just to get off. Like, that’s minimum standards of humanity stuff. I should be able to assume any partner can manage that much.
Me mum was searching for a word to use for promoting her blog, because the problems with “blogwh*ring” should not need explanation to this crowd.
I suggested, based on British slang for selling, that she talk instead about “flogging the blog,” but now I worry about the physical injury implications of that term.
Falconer – They just call it Shameless Self-Promotion on Feministe.
Funnily enough, just adding the word “shameless” actually helps you feel less shame. It acknowledges that the situation is self-serving, and that little bit of awareness deflates the “gawd, I hate spam” annoyance for both poster and reader.
/over-analysis
This would be something I have actually heard in court (it involved calling a woman when she got an order against him but the sentiment was the same.)
Yeah, seriously, long sex != good sex. There’s a base requirement because even when it’s good it sometimes will take some time to push over the edge, but time alone won’t make up for bad sex.
@Ozy: I also hate “fap.” Also, “cum.”
I HATE THAT WORD!!!!! Also panties. I hate the word panties. Particularly when used to describe a five year old girl’s underwear.
@posterformerlyknownasElizabeth: Ugh! I think I’m reaching my asshole quota for the day. I should go do some work.
And just in case that wasn’t totally clear, I mean the dude, not you.
Leum: OH GOD CUM IS THE WORST
Falconer: I have similar problems with the phrase “attention whoring.” I do tend to sometimes do fairly ridiculous things to get attention from people and I really wish there was a word to describe it that wasn’t fucking whorephobic.
Huh. I just assumed that no matter how good in bed he tried to be, he still scared his partners away.
I’m so used to using wank to mean everything but masturbation that I sometimes forget that it’s supposed to mean masturbation loll
Seriously. And obvious corrolary: long relationship != good relationship.
I don’t know why they even want their partners to call back, when they aren’t having fun with them and don’t like them. You’d think they’d be nearly as relieved as the women are to have the whole ordeal be over with.
Ozy – “Attention-seeking,” although unfortunately that has its own sort of clinical connotations.
Attention-grabbing, maybe? Or attention-grubbing for a more negative connotation. Being attention-greedy? Being an attention sponge?
The word “attention” doesn’t look like a real word anymore so I better stop.
This is really just the logical conclusion of the popular MRA/PUA notion that het sex is a zero-sum contest between a man and a woman. In this view, if she orgasms, she’s benefiting from the sex, which takes away from his victory. He wins more the less she likes it.
*Bursts into the room* Don’t worry, a British person is here to save you from your hated words with some random British words!
(Terrible superhero impression is terrible).
We’ve already had “wank”, so how about “spunk” for “cum” (though that relies on giving up the other use of the word, otherwise misunderstandings will happen), and “knickers” for “panties”?
Just gonna say…
The most hilarious part of reading these comments are how offended everyone seems to get over the words
Fap
Cum
Panties
Holy shit. These words are hella-oppressive.
It’s like the snark level raised 1000% on how terrible these words are.
(Most amusing part was when Ozy was all, “yay! Wank is better than Fap because it’s British” Fuck man. Check your anglo-locational privilege.)
Oh god … I just … I can’t. That’s so pathetic. And wrong.
This (along with assumptions that women won’t like it, of course) is why so many misogynists seem obsessed with anal sex.
10 PRINT KNICKERS
20 GOTO 10
Read a Whofic once where the Doctor bungs up a computer and is very proudly explaining it to Jo, who likens his clever program to that one up there. The Doctor becomes very pouty at that point, and I think the point of the fic was that Jo sometimes pretends to be dim to get back at the Doctor, who often treats her like she is.
Yeah, knickers is funny. I usually just say underwear.