Every woman I know who’s tried online dating has gotten all sorts of weird and sleazy messages from guys, from crude sexual come-ons (“sorry for being forward but id love to cum on your glasses :)”) to terrible “sexy” jokes (“So ay girl, you looking for a stud? Because I got the std, all I need is u :)”) to fetish-tastic examples of Too Much Information (“I WISH I WERE A DOG SO I COULD SUCK MYSELF OFF”). (No, guys, appending a smiley face emoticon does not make it ok to be a grotesque douchebag.)
You always wonder what guys like this are thinking. With the dog lover at the end, it’s clear he was trying to rattle a woman who hadn’t replied to two earlier messages of increasing creepiness. With the others, I suppose they think there’s always a tiny chance that some woman out there is as desperate and horny and undiscerning as they are.
What’s stranger are those who lead not with sexual come ons but with blatant misogyny. Do men really think that women melt at the thought of dating a man who hates half the human race? Or are they just looking for yet another chance to mansplain their Men’s Rights bullshit to the world?
Here are a couple of examples of this strange and unsuccessful approach to winning over women which I found on the delightful and disturbing blog The Ladies of OkCupid, which documents the quests of three women searching for love online.
Sometimes the misogyny sneaks up on you, as in this OkCupid profile from a “laid-back” slut-shamer (who was clearly not an English major):
This fellow, by contrast, launches into the misogyny right from the start, suggesting that the woman he’s writing is exceptional, simply because she’s not stupid and illogical like the rest of her gender:
This “edgy” fellow tries to break the ice with some lovely rape jokes:
But the strangest one I’ve seen so far comes from this dude, who uses his OKCupid profile as an opportunity to mansplain why feminism is eeeeeevil:
Oh, and that list keeps going; it’s one hundred items long.
As Jasmine from The Ladies of OKCupid writes,
Delusional and repulsive takes on a whole new level with this one, because I really don’t think he’s kidding. He has every social media outlet known to man with all the same crap, and his profile is HUGE. So either he’s attempting to become the ultimate Canadian troll, or he really thinks there’s a woman out there who exists like this AND would be interested in him, of all people. Really? He offers little more than a receding hairline and an outrageous sense of entitlement in return.
To paraphrase Animal House, delusional and repulsive is no way to go through life.
Happily for The Ladies of OKCupid, and the rest of those ladies seeking love online, not all the messages are like this. For example, take this message about a basic but delicious foodstuff:
Also, the woman who got the message above about that thinking-outside-the-box use for her glasses? She stayed on OkCupid, and is now in a happy relationship with a dude she met there who is not a shitlord.
Here is my most recent story, not of harrasment, just staring. I was in line at a restaurant and the guy in front of me very.blatantly looked at me up and down, then just settled on my feet O__o
Another time I was walking through a strip mall I go to often and walked past a group of young men. I had my earbuds in but the song finished so I could hear that they got quiet and they were all staring at me…as I was walking away one of them shouted something, but I couldn’t make out what it was. Unnerving as hell, is what situations like that are.
for what its worth, I’ve had women stare at me too, and its just as awkward. Staring at people is bloody rude and makes people uncomfortable, not turned on. Don’t do it.
And besides the issue of being attacked in your own home, anyone who actually claims that women should be barred from public life because certain people can’t control themselves can fuck right off.
It seems to me that what we have a lot of here on this board are otherwise sexually attractive females who don’t know how to properly manage their sexual attractiveness to males and effectively exploit it to their own advantage. Tsk tsk, such a waste of sexual capital. I know of and have known far too many sexually unattractive females who would just love to have such natural advantages. Remember, beauty IS power especially for females and you’re failing to fully exploit your potential until it’s too late and it goes away. Like in the NT parable, why are talents always given to those who squander them? …
I don’t know what NYC you’re in, but it must be a lot higher class than the one I’ve visited.
Yes, I would have to know where it was. There are 5 boroughs in NYC and outside of Manhattan they are mostly made up of coloured people(or is that people of colour?) You can’t expect the same standards from certain people that you would from more upper classmen in the financial distrivt , 5th ave, UES etc etc
Sure, this happens in areas of Manhattan like the west village and the Stonewall Pub but these are gay areas and they get very aggressive especially with pretty boys like you who go sashaying around staring at guy’s crotches.
So why were you crusing these areas?
The vast majority of harassment I’ve gotten in my life has been from white people (people of white), but thanks for the bonus racism!
And bonus homophobia! With certain missing details.
(The crucial missing detail is that I am not a man. Although you also might note that I am not pretty, do not sashay, and do not stare at crotches.)
What’s JeanM up to now? Do we have bingo for homophobia, classism, and racism? Misogyny too or just general derailing? This thread got too weird for me to tell.
Shade — stealth ninja with a spoon? I got a paintbrush! (This is based on a true story from theatre, I had the task of stealthing on-stage to paint the scrape we kept putting in the wall…my mother confirmed that she didn’t see me, so I must’ve been doing my ninja job well 🙂 )
@Nanasha,
It sounds like Santa Cruz has gone down hill since I was there back in the 80s and 90s. That’s really sad, because I used to love that town. 🙁
@blitzgal
Although this probably counts more for assault than harassment (which would probably be considered ‘public nuisance’), people who ‘cannot help’ themselves sexually should be treated the same way as someone who ‘cannot help’ punching people in the face.
A couple of days back I had some guys lean out of a van catcalling and blowing one of those canned horns at me. That’s the third time something like that happened to me whilst walking around that particular T-junction. Yes, I could avoid that junction, but the other route would be a long trek across a muddy field (flood plain) filled with horse dung and would take more time.
And bonus homophobia! With certain missing details.
You know, Cliff, it’s not homphobia if Jean is simply reporting on the facts of her experience.
Jean – Don’t listen to them. They are a gang of vile, hypocritical misandrist-feminists who will insult and demean you for how you were born, whilst centering their entire ideology on the demand that you treat them as individuals. Disgraceful.
Steele/Varpole — haven’t I already suggested you might want to read up on confirmation bias? Start with biased memory.
Folks, Jean is just here to offer us helpful advice: don’t sign up for online dating, don’t walk outside in “coloured” areas, and, most of all, don’t complain about any kind of harassment, unless it involves being called out for stupid opinions on the internet. Anyone who violates these simple rules deserves whatever happens to them. Oh, and gay men are some of the worse harassers, because crotches and stuff.
I mean, seriously, “coloured people”? Either you’re from pre-90s South Africa (in which case it would be “Coloured” with a capital C) or you’ve been asleep since the 1930s.
Steele, what’s given you the idea that people are ‘insulting and demeaning’ JeanM for how zie was born? As far as I’ve seen, all comments have related to the fact that zie said some silly-ass things (defending Meller, claiming street-harassment doesn’t come from well-to-do people etc.), and none for hir gender – which hasn’t been specified by JeanM. At my best guess though, JeanM is female. So… now feminists hate women and men? Huh.
Saying that entire groups of people are predestined to acts of street-harassment by virtue of their race or sexuality is pretty racist and homophobic though (as well as the classist comments zie made earlier), which is what people object to.
English, motherfucker, do you read it?
(Pee Ess you forgot to shout ‘PARANOIA AND PROJECTION’.)
@Steelepole,
You know, Cliff, it’s not homphobia if Jean is simply reporting on the facts of her experience.
If she’s a woman, somehow I’m thinking that being sexually harassed by gay men is not part of that experience.
I had a very good OKCupid experience, mostly because I ignored almost every message I was sent and just messaged people I found interesting.
DSC: How odd, almost everyone who’s harassed me has been a POC. Probably because I live in a fairly POC-heavy area and the demographics of who’s on the street is even more POC-heavy.
To clarify: I’m genderqueer but was presenting female at the time of the NYC trip. Since I’ve started presenting more masculine, harassment by straight guys has gone way down, and harassment by voracious yet mincing gay men has mysteriously failed to appear.
But that’s just my *personal experience.*
Well, I’m glad to see Mikey finally answering me as to his stance on racism. Clearly the MRM is the movement for you Mikey, though I would also suggest you visit the fine folks at Stormfront when you’re bored. Dickwad
They are a gang of vile, hypocritical misandrist-feminists who will insult and demean you for how you were born, whilst centering their entire ideology on the demand that you treat them as individuals. Disgraceful.
Care to show just one example of non-MRA commentators on this website insulting anyone for how they were born? Because my experience as a man here has been overwhelmingly positive–at least with the regular, non-MRA types. What we do is mock misogyny–see Dave’s motto at the top of the page?–which, as far as I know, is an acquired rather than inborn quality.
Aw, Mikey’s just trying to make friends. And he’s willing to overlook a few minor details as long as they can get together and hate women together.
Yes, I would have to know where it was. There are 5 boroughs in NYC and outside of Manhattan they are mostly made up of coloured people(or is that people of colour?
Whuh? Now I have to say that I’m not sure you’ve actually been to New York. Yeah, there are places which largely not white (say Harlem, in Manhattan), but I don’t know any neighborhood which is “pure” and the outer boroughs aren’t all that “dark”. Queens is most known for the TV show made about a resident… “All in the Family” with Archie Bunker.
You can’t expect the same standards from certain people that you would from more upper classmen in the financial distrivt , 5th ave, UES etc etc
I see it most often in the Financial District, because that’s on my commute. But hey, if you want to flash your racist street cred…
Sure, this happens in areas of Manhattan like the west village and the Stonewall Pub but these are gay areas and they get very aggressive
News to me. If I vary my commute to SoHo, I happen to pass through the East Village. When I was less familiar with the area I’d get mixed up and pass through the area around Stonewall Park. Even in a kilt I never got harrassed. I have gotten the ocaisional appreciative glance; but that’s because a kilt stands out, not because they are more prone to harrass people.
But hey, it’s nice to see you engaging in equal opportunity assholishness.
@cpt bathrobe
he’s upset because someone used the word ‘white dude’ kind of dirisively
no seriously, that’s what he’s all worked up about
varpole: You know, Cliff, it’s not homphobia if Jean is simply reporting on the facts of her experience.
And if you were paying attention you’d see that isn’t what Jean did. What Jean did was say that White People are better behaved than, “those people”.
You can’t expect the same standards from certain people that you would from more upper classmen in the financial distrivt , 5th ave, UES etc etc
Jean pretened that “they” (both PoC and male homosexuals), “are like that”. No personal stories, just an assertion of how “upper classmen” are better than some undifferentiated other (thogh why Jean thinks college juniors and senior aren’t going to harrass people, even if the are white, I don’t know. :))
If what you were interested in was building a movement, you wouldn’t want to pass steaming e-mails, you’d be trying to have a conversation about how these subjects related to the struggle for male rights. It’s what feminists do. They talk; share experiences, discuss theory; how intersectionality affects this or that aspect of the struggle, dissect laws; and policy arguments.
And they talk about cats, and knitting, and gardening, cocktails, and cooking, and backpacking, and self-defense and photography, and whatever else that community finds interesting.
You could do that, but you don’t.
You… you cheerleed people being assholes and bigots. You ignore their asshole traits until they cross some wierd line (for you that seems to be implications of pedophilia. Racism, that’s cool. Homophobia, that’s cool. Classism, that’s cool. Little kids… no so cool [unless it’s NWO]. Nice company you’re willing to keep).
That’s why your movement doesn’t go anywhere. It’s an echo chamber for whining, and even when one of you has the courage to leave the nest, you have no chops. Look at you. You came here, didn’t like it, flounced to your own blog; and then decided we were irresistable. You got caught socking, so you folded your blog, and then came back here to bleat about misandry, and complain about how hard your life is.
“Care to show just one example of non-MRA commentators on this website insulting anyone for how they were born?”
Sharculese said something about “as a fellow white dude” which Varpole took as an insult — his criteria here are mind-blowingly lax. And omgs, do you want another 800+ comment thread about the definition of misandry and how we’re all misandrist?
I mean, it would normally be interesting to see the attempt, but in Varpole’s case I just see that devolving into rants about misandry and how “white dude” is proof that a white dude hates white dudes.
TheNatFantastic — “English, motherfucker, do you read it?” — that’s misandry! He sucks at English because he was shamed out of writing, said shaming was because of his gender, not because he sucks at writing, so when we say he sucks at writing we’re just proving his point (or something circular like that). Which is why I do not want to sit through another thread that’s the All About Steele/Varpole show.
Summary — oh gods, don’t encourage him!
dont forget lying about how we woldnt have mikey to kick around anymore because he was suddenly too busy to post here incessantly. he did that too.
TheNatFantastic: This is Varpole we are dealing with. English isn’t his strong suit.
I mean look at this: Jean – Don’t listen to them. They are a gang of vile, hypocritical misandrist-feminists who will insult and demean you for how you were born, whilst centering their entire ideology on the demand that you treat them as individuals. Disgraceful.
Coming from a guy whose ideology is based on demeaning people for the way they are born (female) and pretending society oppresses him for the way he is born.
Observation and critical thinking are also not in much evidence.
i notice mikeys picked up the lazy trick of obsessively saying ‘ideology’ as in ‘everything you believe is ideology, everything i believe if FACT’
mikey i thought you had rhetorical skills?