Every woman I know who’s tried online dating has gotten all sorts of weird and sleazy messages from guys, from crude sexual come-ons (“sorry for being forward but id love to cum on your glasses :)”) to terrible “sexy” jokes (“So ay girl, you looking for a stud? Because I got the std, all I need is u :)”) to fetish-tastic examples of Too Much Information (“I WISH I WERE A DOG SO I COULD SUCK MYSELF OFF”). (No, guys, appending a smiley face emoticon does not make it ok to be a grotesque douchebag.)
You always wonder what guys like this are thinking. With the dog lover at the end, it’s clear he was trying to rattle a woman who hadn’t replied to two earlier messages of increasing creepiness. With the others, I suppose they think there’s always a tiny chance that some woman out there is as desperate and horny and undiscerning as they are.
What’s stranger are those who lead not with sexual come ons but with blatant misogyny. Do men really think that women melt at the thought of dating a man who hates half the human race? Or are they just looking for yet another chance to mansplain their Men’s Rights bullshit to the world?
Here are a couple of examples of this strange and unsuccessful approach to winning over women which I found on the delightful and disturbing blog The Ladies of OkCupid, which documents the quests of three women searching for love online.
Sometimes the misogyny sneaks up on you, as in this OkCupid profile from a “laid-back” slut-shamer (who was clearly not an English major):
This fellow, by contrast, launches into the misogyny right from the start, suggesting that the woman he’s writing is exceptional, simply because she’s not stupid and illogical like the rest of her gender:
This “edgy” fellow tries to break the ice with some lovely rape jokes:
But the strangest one I’ve seen so far comes from this dude, who uses his OKCupid profile as an opportunity to mansplain why feminism is eeeeeevil:
Oh, and that list keeps going; it’s one hundred items long.
As Jasmine from The Ladies of OKCupid writes,
Delusional and repulsive takes on a whole new level with this one, because I really don’t think he’s kidding. He has every social media outlet known to man with all the same crap, and his profile is HUGE. So either he’s attempting to become the ultimate Canadian troll, or he really thinks there’s a woman out there who exists like this AND would be interested in him, of all people. Really? He offers little more than a receding hairline and an outrageous sense of entitlement in return.
To paraphrase Animal House, delusional and repulsive is no way to go through life.
Happily for The Ladies of OKCupid, and the rest of those ladies seeking love online, not all the messages are like this. For example, take this message about a basic but delicious foodstuff:
Also, the woman who got the message above about that thinking-outside-the-box use for her glasses? She stayed on OkCupid, and is now in a happy relationship with a dude she met there who is not a shitlord.
NWO
“A little tidbit about men.
“In final acts of valor, Jon Blunk, Matt McQuinn and Alex Teves used their bodies to shield their girlfriends as accused madman James Holmes turned the Aurora cineplex into a shooting gallery.”
I read this, hours ago and have been grinding my teeth ever since.
I enjoy this blog and even NWO can be amusing (in a “what a clueless tosser” sort of way) but at the moment, thanks to the above comment, I think I’ll take a break for a few days.
My heart goes out to everybody involved or effected by this terrible event and I can truly say that with empathy from experience. Here in my home state of Australia we had a shooting rampage at a tourist attraction called Port Arthur. The stories that later emerged were much the same as those that are now emerging from the Aurora shooting. Like the ones NWO has tried to twist into something their not.
These stories are about individuals reacting to a terrifying situation and will range from the heroic to the what might be judged, as regrettable. Point is they are all understandable and ‘normal’.
So fuck you NWO, and if your going to quote some of these stories then quote a few more, such as how a young woman saved the life of her best friend in a remarkable story of courage and level headed thinking.
Can’t do the link thing, anyway all sorts of memories are flodding back and I’m giving my kids an extra hug today, my partner a kiss and a raspberry to NWO.
Oh and NWO I’m a big ugly, soot covered blacksmith with hands like leather, but for all that my mind and heart will never be as black and twisted as yours are.
Cheers to all you wonderful commentors here on Manboobz.
Considering how busy the holla back LDN and NYC sites are documenting public displays of dominance through street harassment I’m guessing that JeanM is an MRA troll poseur. With a matching sock.
FWIW, whatever and jean are posting from different IP addresses.
I’ve known some women who’ve gotten harassed by cab drivers.
Aww, did y’all scare Jean off or did she go be snooty and upperclass somewhere else? Did it dawn on her that mocking people for spending too much time on the internet was undercut by her spending hours online attacking other people for being so gauche as to be online a lot? I miss all the fun.
[quote]OkCupid has, or used to have, what I considered the single most useful dating-related question ever:
Women are obligated to shave their legs.
__Strongly Agree
__Agree
__Disagree
__Strongly Disagree
In the comment box attached to the question, I wrote “‘Obligated’ to whom? They’re *my* legs!” [/quote]
I hope they don’t have that question anymore, because it’s completely loaded. Are they asking: do I think all women, everywhere, should shave their legs? No. But I certainly wouldn’t want to date a woman who didn’t shave, so if I clicked ‘disagree’, would that imply otherwise?
3 commenters who just showed up and have never posted before and happen to agree with jean? hmm
Jean – While I have witnessed a modicum of street harassment, I entirely agree that it seems to be wildly exaggerated by the feminist crowd. I don’t think it happens nearly as often as the misandrist-feminists claim; frankly, I think it’s another way to demonize men, invariably the harassers. At least, this is my anecdotal observation. Now, this is certainly- certainly– not to say that harassment is acceptable. But only that it’s been hijacked for political purposes by misandrist-feminists. Disgraceful.
Do you have an email address? I’d be interested in discussing this matter and others with you privately.
Back in my years at a late-teens, early 20s, I had a very androgynous look. Despite being male in word and deed, I was frequently mistaken for a woman.
I was the height of a tall-ish woman; skinny; with a mop of curly brown hair reminiscent of Regina Spektor. Also, according to an experiment on human biomechanics I did as an undergraduate physics student, I “walked like a girl”.
Apparently, I was pretty. A darling. Fuckable. At least according to the cat-calls and shouts I received from men over the years. I was propositioned on the street. Guys would lean out of cars and whistle/call/whatever at me, or (more amusingly), slow down and offer me a ride. The best moment came when walking to work wearing the jersey of , two drunk guys took it upon themselves to dance around me singing while calling me “darling”. Despite telling them to piss-off in my manliest voice, they didn’t get the hint. As I pushed past them, one of them turned to his friend and said “I’d fuck her!” Thanks dude.
In short, I, a man, was harassed on the Street. Because I looked a little like a woman. I was probably not harassed with anything near the frequency of a woman who was actually, you know, a woman. But still, these events were not rare.
So, if you say you’ve never seen this in your life, I’m going to say you’re either a lying lier, or you’ve never been outside.
Do the other MRAs shun Varpole or something? It seems like lately he’s been trying to buddy up to every second-rate troll that shows up. Dude, surely there are better ways to make new sexist friends than trolling a blog dedicated to mocking people like you.
I think he’s looking for allies; people to support him when the commenters here have handed him his ass again. Especially as his present schtick seems to be trying to pull a parallel to Ruby: he ignores the people who respond to him; as if he were in good odor, and talks banalities.
This is so sad. Tell the truth, Steele: you’re so fond of NWO because he’s only MRA from this blog who ever went to post on your site, right?
How does this make sense? Seriously, think about it. If you’ve witnessed street harassment -actually seen it with your own two eyes- how does it logically follow that it’s rare and being exaggerated by feminists?
Maybe Steele/Varpole should go set up an MRA dating website, instead of trying to solicit people in manboobz comment threads…
Viscaria – I definitely got way more street harassment (and actual physical sexual assaults) as a pre-teen and teen than I ever have since turning 18. In fact, the vast majority of harassment I’ve gotten since turning 18 is people assuming I am under age, even now at 25 people often start hitting on me at bars by asking to see my fake ID.
One of the hugest reliefs I felt at turning 18 was that I felt safer from predators. Of course I have a young looking face (fairly round although I am thin, I still get mild acne and I don’t wear much make up) so I still got creeped on by strangers. And it usually becomes clear within minutes that their main attraction to me is the assumption that I am young, naive and therefor easily manipulated.
I also did a bit more public walking as a teen because I didn’t have a car and had to walk to and from school. But I didn’t get a car until I was 20 and walked and took public transportation alone across the city to college and work every day. Still, that caused me to be read as an adult, so I was not harassed often on the bus. Unless the person thought I was a high school student.
Street harassment is just so commonplace that passers by wouldn’t notice (especially if they don’t care about it, engage in it themselves or don’t think it is harassment). It may seem like no big deal to shout obscenities from your car at a girl walking alone on the sidewalk, but it is exhausting to experience every day.
[…] how does it logically follow that it’s rare and being exaggerated by feminists?
I have not seen it in anywhere near the rates that the misandrist-feminists seem to claim. I have of course seen it in some capacity- and it is wrong- but it is not at the epidemic level that I see being postulated here.
as his present schtick seems to be trying to pull a parallel to Ruby: he ignores the people who respond to him; as if he were in good odor, and talks banalities.
I generally ignore people who I have determined to be obtuse morons; you are one of them.
I am looking to discuss the matter with Jean because he is an ideological comrade. This is how Movements are furthered, is it not?
I think what bothers me most about helpful smiling suggestions is that I’m sure, probably half the time, the men who leave them go through the rest of their days with an extra spring in their step, because hey, wasn’t I helpful to that young woman earlier? She must be so grateful for my advice!
@Steele- I don’t know if you missed it, but here is what I said a bit upthread-
“My biggest problem with street harassment is that it’s not an EVERYDAY 24/7 thing. It’s a “when you least expect it” thing. Sometimes I can go weeks without having to hear someone make a gross shouting comment at me or stare at me with the gross “licking his lips” wolf face or try and stop me by stepping out in front of me when I’m trying to ride my bike to work (this happened last week and I just sped up so he jumped out of the way).
But it’s always unexpected, or it’s something that I’m constantly expecting will happen at some point, I just don’t know WHEN and that’s the horrible part. I’ll finally get comfortable and feel safe in a space, and then someone will come along with their nasty behavior and ruin it. It’s not always unsafe, but sometimes it become HORRIBLY UNSAFE and that’s what makes me so fucking paranoid. Every day in my life (and I am guessing this is similar for many other women and people with less privilege) is uncertain-I can’t know how much I’m going to be targeted for being who I am. And because of that, it’s very, VERY hard to let my guard down, relax or enjoy myself in public spaces because someone inevitably shows up and decides to shit all over my feeling of security and safety.”
The problem isn’t that it happens every day. The problem is that when it happens, it can escalate into assault and other horrible shit PRETTY DAMN QUICKLY depending on the person who is exhibiting the behavior. And you NEVER KNOW when it’s just some guy being a jerk or if it’s some predator who wants to grab you, rape you in the bushes with a knife at your neck and spit on you after it’s all over. You don’t know if there’s going to be a group of guys out there prowling the streets drunk, and what the group dynamic might cause them to escalate to do.
The problem is not that it happens all the time. It’s that it happens UNEXPECTEDLY at any moment. It will blindside you when you let your guard down for one second, and you won’t know if that one second is the difference between you getting home in the nick of time or being hurt or killed. The problem is that you can never relax and your only crime is being female and wanting to go out in public.
I have been on OK Cupid precisely a week. It has been awful all around. I get almost zero responses to my messages (no women reply, few of the men). I assume I’m doing something wrong there.
Some of the choice messages I did receive:
– A man tells me in his very first message that he’s into bukkake and that I will like his huge penis. It says on my profile that I am not kinky and am not looking for casual sex.
– A man who states on his profile that he isn’t into “fake tits” or “waitresses” send me an unsolicited message that I was too old for him. Note: He is 10 years older than me.
– A man wrote to me “Are you one of those women who spend ages in the bathroom getting their hair done and take ages to put on make up or do you just look that way?”
– A man send me a message saying that he was convinced that I was his friend Oliver who had stolen a woman’s pictures to make my ‘fake’ profile.
So I will give up. This is not working in any way for me. Whatsoever. It just makes me feel bad.
Steele ol’ buddy ol’ pal. Still no comments on what the MRM offers MOC?
@jumbofish
Actually, unless I misrecall, rjjspesh has been around for a while, and they’ve always commented in good faith. Also, I don’t see how people are taking Whatever’s posts as being in agreement with Jean’s since they’re mocking the list-dude whilst Jean is trying to excuse him
So, if you’re walking down the street and you notice a few gray cars you think it’s reasonable to assume that very few cars are gray? I’ve lived and worked in places where I was sexually harassed daily -literally every, single day. You’re claiming that I’m only saying this because I’m a feminist and, thus, a misandrist? You know that women who do not consider themselves feminists complain about street harassment, right?
Steele, this just makes you look even more like a petulant child. You can be mad at Pecunium all you want but you know perfectly well that he isn’t a moron.
Two things: 1) You should start your own blog. Again. And really stick with it this time if you’d like to further the Movement. And 2) You should probably read some books on different Civil Rights movements throughout history.
Actually I forgot one:
– A man send me a message when he was obviously high. It includes something about a robin (the bird) in his wall drinking from his cup.
Remember: That was all in ONE WEEK.
My ‘favourite’ descriptions on male profiles so far have been:
1) “SWM owner of company in frowned-upon industry seeks hostile woman for shouting matches, mutual psychological torture, and unfulfilling sex. I enjoy swearing, petty theft, drinking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation. I spend a lot of time yelling at little kids that look at me. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorising useless statistics, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes. I’m 26 but without Photoshop look 46.
You should message me if
…you are a man-hating, crazy bitch with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. Over time you will project all your daddy-issues on me and grow hostile when I don’t fulfil every unmet need you’ve ever had. Through a technicality you are currently not under court supervision or otherwise grounded so we can actually hang out. Bonus points if you just finished dating every guy in London but now want to take your time with me. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that ruins my life instantaneously but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills. Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 21 and rehash mother issues with women over 35. Serious replies only.”
2) “I am pretty mature for my age and often labeled as “wise beyond my years”.
If we hang out there will never be an “awkward silence” don’t worry, if you are nervous I will just tease you.
I am not looking for a trophy girlfriend, I am much more interested in your personality. Most importantly, I don’t go after anything that moves. And please.. no bat sh*t crazy models. Hmmm what else….
I don’t play mind games, nor do I placate low self-esteem. Until you impress me, I will probably treat you like my bratty little sister.
P.S. If I send you a message that seems strange, then I’m probably just bored and frigging with you. But also may be I’m interested, it depends on how funny your reply is.
I am pretty busy; However, I will make time to reply…if I like what you have to say.”
Varpole: I have not seen it in anywhere near the rates that the misandrist-feminists seem to claim. I have of course seen it in some capacity- and it is wrong- but it is not at the epidemic level that I see being postulated here.
How many times has it happened to you? Because I am pretty sure I’ve not seen all there is of it. The same way I don’t see every person who is asking for directions, or every time someone solicits for money. I see those which are near me.
The same is true for harrassment on the street.
I generally ignore people who I have determined to be obtuse morons; you are one of them.
Moron… wow…… Care to test me? Obtuse? How so? We disagree, but I talk actually respond to you. That you fail to convince me isn’t evidence of obstusity; else all the world what ain’t MRAs is gonna hafta enter that club.
The thing is, when all is said and done, you don’t mean shit to me.
It’s not just that you think NWO is cogent ( again from your friends at Merriam-Webster, the one’s you declaimed to be the final word on misandry), it’s that you have no respect for us, and not much for how you look to the world.
I don’t care that you disdain us. I couldn’t really care less that you dislike us; even if that is to the level of despise, but you don’t even do us the courtesy of extending the same level of involvement with the conversations you started as we do.
Take, by way of example, the attempt you made to belittle me, and mock feminism, with that pathetic insult that I had no job (and before you try to weasel and say it was merely an observation… there’s that whole thing about context and connotation. You were babbling about how efficient you were, and that you were squeezing in your attempts to keep up as opposed to our staring glassy eyed at the screen; hitting refresh and living in the hope of a new comment. I pointed out that I, for one, have a life; of which Manboobz is only a part. You denigrated that life as being less relevant because it’s not working at the behest of someone else in the pursuit of making money).
If you’d bothered to read the things I said to you earlier, where I talked about having a job, you’d not have made such an egregious failure (both tactical and strategic), because you’d recall that I said I had a job. You could have then tried to mock me (as I did you, vis-a-vis the odd hours you seem to work, since you claim Manboobz is a diversion in your busy day as an entrepreneurial urban professional) with the oddities of my abilities to post at all hours if I never post at work.
But you didn’t. The thing is, we do read what you say. It’s why we are able to reference your ever shifting occupations (grad student with spare time on campus, busy urban professional, businessman, entrepreneur).
But you don’t. On top of that, in the face of more than one person taking the time to go back to your previous explosions of text, you couldn’t be bothered to take a quick look to see if the target you were trying to hit was valid.
You spent days trying to convince us that you knew better than we what misandry means. That, you call “efficient”. I take ten minutes to look up your posting history. That you call obsessive.
And that level of a willful lack of the self-examined life is what reduces you to the level of pathos, with the all too commonly ludicrous flights of bathos. You pretend to be fighting for the oh-so-important rights of men; then you call NWO a reasonable person. You make plaintive attempts to subscribe to the newsletters of people like Jean. You praise the Tom Martin’s of the world, and then (when they have feet of clay, sodden and decrepit from being underfired and wallowing in chamber pots) you appeal to Paul Elam to join you in condemning them (btw, how did that go).
It’s not that I’m an obtuse moron, it’s that you can’t hack it when people actually respond to what you say.
@Steelbuttpole,
I have not seen it in anywhere near the rates that the misandrist-feminists seem to claim. I have of course seen it in some capacity- and it is wrong- but it is not at the epidemic level that I see being postulated here.
Gosh, why do you think that might be? Think hard, the answer will come. Or not.
“What’s more, when wealthy white men harass poor women and women of color, they are typically more nasty about it than when they harass wealthy white women.”
Yep. I’m white, but occasionally read as Hispanic or Arab. When white guys read me as Hispanic the things that they say get a lot more lewd and a lot less polite. The difference is really quite striking.
When white men read me as Hispanic they also seem to slip into racist cliche mode, so I’ll get things like “hot tamale!”. Trying to pick women up by associating them with the food products of what you assume to be their culture – always a classy and effective technique.
Oh, right, and to anyone who says that you should just stay home if you don’t want to be sexually harassed, raped, etc, that doesn’t work either:
http://santacruz.patch.com/articles/man-attacks-woman-in-private-residence-kills-himself-after-police-standoff
I just want to throw up when I hear people say that women “deserve” criminal treatment and dehumanization and harassment simply because they’re trying to go about their daily lives.
These are pretty horrid. I’ve mentioned on here before that my OkCupid experience was pretty good. Very rarely did I get any really creepy messages, most of the men were perfectly respectful and nice to talk too.
This tends to mimic life offline too. While I’ve witnessed women being harrassed and leered at, and have heard plenty of personal stories, it doesn’t happen to me much. At worst its blatant staring sometimes which I can deal with even if its rude, but no shouting or catcalls. If looks don’t matter (I’m quite chubby but look feminine and cis) then I guess I’m just lucky. Or maybe I scare guys or something since I’m neither short nor small *shrugs* on the rare times I’ve been approached by strangers though they’ve always been nice. Usually it just catches me off guard since it doesn’t happen often.
So yeah, I sympathize with those who get harrassed frequently, I’m lucky to not have dealt with it much, I can’t imagine how annoying it must be to ask yourself what some idiot stranger is going to do today while you’re out trying to live your life.