Every woman I know who’s tried online dating has gotten all sorts of weird and sleazy messages from guys, from crude sexual come-ons (“sorry for being forward but id love to cum on your glasses :)”) to terrible “sexy” jokes (“So ay girl, you looking for a stud? Because I got the std, all I need is u :)”) to fetish-tastic examples of Too Much Information (“I WISH I WERE A DOG SO I COULD SUCK MYSELF OFF”). (No, guys, appending a smiley face emoticon does not make it ok to be a grotesque douchebag.)
You always wonder what guys like this are thinking. With the dog lover at the end, it’s clear he was trying to rattle a woman who hadn’t replied to two earlier messages of increasing creepiness. With the others, I suppose they think there’s always a tiny chance that some woman out there is as desperate and horny and undiscerning as they are.
What’s stranger are those who lead not with sexual come ons but with blatant misogyny. Do men really think that women melt at the thought of dating a man who hates half the human race? Or are they just looking for yet another chance to mansplain their Men’s Rights bullshit to the world?
Here are a couple of examples of this strange and unsuccessful approach to winning over women which I found on the delightful and disturbing blog The Ladies of OkCupid, which documents the quests of three women searching for love online.
Sometimes the misogyny sneaks up on you, as in this OkCupid profile from a “laid-back” slut-shamer (who was clearly not an English major):
This fellow, by contrast, launches into the misogyny right from the start, suggesting that the woman he’s writing is exceptional, simply because she’s not stupid and illogical like the rest of her gender:
This “edgy” fellow tries to break the ice with some lovely rape jokes:
But the strangest one I’ve seen so far comes from this dude, who uses his OKCupid profile as an opportunity to mansplain why feminism is eeeeeevil:
Oh, and that list keeps going; it’s one hundred items long.
As Jasmine from The Ladies of OKCupid writes,
Delusional and repulsive takes on a whole new level with this one, because I really don’t think he’s kidding. He has every social media outlet known to man with all the same crap, and his profile is HUGE. So either he’s attempting to become the ultimate Canadian troll, or he really thinks there’s a woman out there who exists like this AND would be interested in him, of all people. Really? He offers little more than a receding hairline and an outrageous sense of entitlement in return.
To paraphrase Animal House, delusional and repulsive is no way to go through life.
Happily for The Ladies of OKCupid, and the rest of those ladies seeking love online, not all the messages are like this. For example, take this message about a basic but delicious foodstuff:
Also, the woman who got the message above about that thinking-outside-the-box use for her glasses? She stayed on OkCupid, and is now in a happy relationship with a dude she met there who is not a shitlord.
What’s next? His avatar leered at my avatar! Why I’ve been sexually harrassed by pixels on a screen. There’s another trope for Anita. Leering avatars.
This is for JeanM- as everyone knows a LADY can’t play video games online unless they follow TEH RULEZ:
Ozy – Ah. I’m unsure how I pass? I get “sir”ed a lot in customer service situations, and my classmates know I’m FAAB because I use my legal name at school, but other than that, I can’t really tell. I tend to assume people perceive me as a butch lesbian.
I get “sir”d a lot, and people who I’ve befriended tell me that they read me as an androgynous gay guy, so.
At cons, however, I am *universally* read as female. Hrmph.
As a woman in her mid-30s, I’ve found that I get harassed and bothered in public a lot less than I used to, say, 10 years ago. That could be because I’m in public less often or because I live in a more civilized (smaller, anyway) city, but I really think it comes down to either being older and thus more disgustotron or older and thus less likely to put up with bullshit.
For comparison, I have longer hair than I did 10 years ago, and am more likely to wear skirts and dresses.
A glance or a smile or quiet nod feels quite differently than a Hey baby cat call. Men who objectify women under the guise of a “compliment” aren’t fooling anyone because honestly they know how theyre coming across.
Unfortunately that’s why they do it. Cat calls aren’t meant to compliment.
There are obviously more imp things in life to complain about but think about if you had to walk down the street and hear someone hurl derogatory insults your way (that’s what it feels like) you might be annoyed too.
I know I’ve said this elsewhere, but I received waaaay more harassment as a teen. I would say I probably experienced more harassment each year when I was 15, 16 or 17 than in the entire span of 19-23.
I know I am not a loser, I have a certificate saying I am a winner! Five of them in fact.
And despite my not having experienced the same level of harassment as the others here, I can easily believe those on here who have experienced it because I know that not everyone has been as lucky as I have been to avoid it.
@ShadetheDruid, David didn’t make you write limericks? We may need to toss you back into the unapproved pile until you pass that test too. It’s a very important weapon in the arsenal of mockery.
Turning 40 was like a miraculous “off” switch for street harassment for me, but recently I was out walking with a younger colleague and it was a good reminder of what it was like before. What she gets is mainly constructive suggestions like, “You’d be even prettier if you smiled.” Strangely, that has not had the effect of making her more likely to smile at strangers…
THANK YOU KIND SIR I WAS WORRIED I WAS NOT AROUSING YOU TO MAXIMUM LEVELS NOW I SEE MY MISTAKE.
RE: PRETTY SMILE COMMENTS: “If I frown some more, would you go the fuck away?”
SO YOU THINK I’M HERE TO AMUSE YOU EH?
That was nearly word for word her response. Shit: she takes none of it.
@Nanasha
ANIMANIACS FTW!!!
JeanM hits the “you all don’t have a real life”! milestone.
Flounce in five, four, three…..
@ShadetheDruid: I got a FORK!
AHAHAHAHAHAH!
@cloudiah- Awesome. She has it.
Wordspinner: While I am willing to accept that Paris Hilton isn’t stupid, it’s not the case that she’s made a lot of money/become famous on her wits.
That last name… It’s all over the country, she’s an heiress. She took advantage of being filthy rich to play at being stupid so she could become famous/widen her social circle.
I don’t hate her but I dislike aspects of her fame.
I got a rock 🙁
Jean: Viscaria, I have never once in my life seen this “street harassment” you harp on. Do you ever actually get out of the house or is this just some nonsense you read on a blog? I have never seen any harassment in any place that I have lived whether in London or NYC. Perhaps it happens in Podunk but I’ve never been there or do I associate with the lower classes
Do you get out much? Because I’m a man, and I see it happening. I’ve seen it in New York, I’ve seen it in Jersey City. I’ve seen it in Boston, and in Paris, and in Ottawa, and in San Francisco, and in Oklahoma City, and in Los Angeles, and San Luis Obispo, and in Phoenix.
I’ve seen it anyplace I’ve spent more than few days in crowded parts of town, in the mid-day and early evening.
So how have you missed it?
Have you been here before? You seem to have some pent-up resentments.
Whatever: ‘I was referring all along to misogynists who complain about women’s lists. I have a hunch that man’s list is a mock and over exaggerated representation of a women’s list with some nasty below the belt digs thrown in for good measure”
I agree completely
Nanasha: Was that the stabbing on Ocean Street? Small world, I used to live in Aptos, spent a fair bit of time on that block.
JeanM, Whatever and rjjspech all make excellent points!
I get read as a woman too much to get many questions about my genitals by people who have a visual. I’m typically read as a woman, even when binding.
I get more of the “fat, ugly dyke” type harassment than the “nice ass” harassment, though, but I’ve gotten both at different points in my life.
I do think it is true that poor women and women of color get street harassed more and harassed more harshly. But not because it’s only lower class men and men of color who harass, but because men typically harass women of equal or lower perceived social status. For example, as someone who is read as white, men of color do not harass me in public spaces (this has never happened to me, even when living in areas with a lot of people of color, men of color do not approach me in public in anything but pretty polite ways). Poor white men will harass me when they read me as poor. Wealthy white men will harass me in general. Marginalized men know they can’t get away with harassing women with too much privilege in other dynamics of oppression, which means that wealthy white women typically only get harassed by wealthy white men, poor white women typically only get harassed by wealthy and poor white men, and women of color get typically get harassed by wealthy and poor white men and men of color. What’s more, when wealthy white men harass poor women and women of color, they are typically more nasty about it than when they harass wealthy white women. Ditto w/poor white men and women of color vs. poor white women. I can’t speak from personal experience in regards to being a woman who is read as a woman of color and street harassment, but my understanding and what I have heard from others suggests that women of color, especially poor women of color, face this far more than white or white passing women, especially wealthy white or white passing women.
@pecunium- Yeah. The worst thing is that when it happened, no one was really surprised. We were horrified, obviously, and rightly so, but no one was surprised. There has been a mass push of municipalities to bus over all their felons and violently mentally ill to Santa Cruz because we have services here that have not been completely gutted. Unfortunately, the “acceptance” by the city and police of downright violent and abusive behavior in public spaces has made it so that even a lot of the “laid back” homeless who used to populate most of the city are leaving because it’s so dangerous. I used to be ok with walking down the street by myself in broad daylight or hanging out downtown if I had some time to kill. Now I go with someone else, on my bike, or not at all.
I don’t hate on the homeless or the mentally ill- I just think that it’s unacceptable for violent scary felons to be running up and down the streets unchecked and seemingly without any notice until they commit violent crimes.
And the rape that happened a week ago? It was right down the street from where I live. I stopped going on afternoon walks with my daughter to the pet store after I was chased by a couple of meth heads who were screaming and cursing at me and my daughter. I call the police and call the police and they never seem to catch these shit heads. And what am I told to do? “Oh, just move somewhere else” or “Oh, just don’t go outside.”
Like that’s a fucking CHOICE.