Every woman I know who’s tried online dating has gotten all sorts of weird and sleazy messages from guys, from crude sexual come-ons (“sorry for being forward but id love to cum on your glasses :)”) to terrible “sexy” jokes (“So ay girl, you looking for a stud? Because I got the std, all I need is u :)”) to fetish-tastic examples of Too Much Information (“I WISH I WERE A DOG SO I COULD SUCK MYSELF OFF”). (No, guys, appending a smiley face emoticon does not make it ok to be a grotesque douchebag.)
You always wonder what guys like this are thinking. With the dog lover at the end, it’s clear he was trying to rattle a woman who hadn’t replied to two earlier messages of increasing creepiness. With the others, I suppose they think there’s always a tiny chance that some woman out there is as desperate and horny and undiscerning as they are.
What’s stranger are those who lead not with sexual come ons but with blatant misogyny. Do men really think that women melt at the thought of dating a man who hates half the human race? Or are they just looking for yet another chance to mansplain their Men’s Rights bullshit to the world?
Here are a couple of examples of this strange and unsuccessful approach to winning over women which I found on the delightful and disturbing blog The Ladies of OkCupid, which documents the quests of three women searching for love online.
Sometimes the misogyny sneaks up on you, as in this OkCupid profile from a “laid-back” slut-shamer (who was clearly not an English major):
This fellow, by contrast, launches into the misogyny right from the start, suggesting that the woman he’s writing is exceptional, simply because she’s not stupid and illogical like the rest of her gender:
This “edgy” fellow tries to break the ice with some lovely rape jokes:
But the strangest one I’ve seen so far comes from this dude, who uses his OKCupid profile as an opportunity to mansplain why feminism is eeeeeevil:
Oh, and that list keeps going; it’s one hundred items long.
As Jasmine from The Ladies of OKCupid writes,
Delusional and repulsive takes on a whole new level with this one, because I really don’t think he’s kidding. He has every social media outlet known to man with all the same crap, and his profile is HUGE. So either he’s attempting to become the ultimate Canadian troll, or he really thinks there’s a woman out there who exists like this AND would be interested in him, of all people. Really? He offers little more than a receding hairline and an outrageous sense of entitlement in return.
To paraphrase Animal House, delusional and repulsive is no way to go through life.
Happily for The Ladies of OKCupid, and the rest of those ladies seeking love online, not all the messages are like this. For example, take this message about a basic but delicious foodstuff:
Also, the woman who got the message above about that thinking-outside-the-box use for her glasses? She stayed on OkCupid, and is now in a happy relationship with a dude she met there who is not a shitlord.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Because nothing says romance like complaining (inaccurately) that feminists won’t “take it up the arse.” I bet this Romeo has to fight ’em of with a whip and a chair.
I feel sorta bad for even noticing, but Mr. Rape Joke totally fucked up his delivery. If you’re going to go around harrumphing about your intellectual superiority and how your horrible jokes are okay because they’re just that funny, the least you can do is not totally blow your jokes.
Also, I don’t know what amuses me more about 100-Things-List-Guy: that I meet an awful lot of his stupid criteria (no rainbow-shitting though, damnit), or that #5 alone means that I would neither message him nor refrain from pointing and laughing at his profile.
Definitely Mr. Maccaronies for the win here. I wouldn’t bother with anyone that could even come up with a list of 100 requirements.
My significant other and I met through PlentyOfFish and chose each other from a strange exchange of pictures. He showed me a picture of his lawnmower that he welded a ton of spikes to. It still functioned, but one definitely didn’t want to trip while mowing. I sent him a picture of a banana attempting to have sex with a pop tart. We get along famously.
Sir, the only woman who would even consider you as a potential mate would have to have severely low self-esteem. Women with a healthy self-esteem would not settle for a man who views them as inferior and expects them to conform to a bunch of silly beauty and behavioral standards.
He did succeed at trivializing rape through jokes (which is so hard to do, and not related to any Latin phrases that rhyme with “flipso flacto” at all.) They just… weren’t very humorous jokes.
If Creeper #1’s in the greater Detroit area, 104.3 FM’s a pretty decent classic rock/oldies station and 103.5 is the worst kind of Christian Radio(TM).
By mainstream standards, my mom’s way hotter than me. So I guess I meet that requirement, but guys who have it in the first place leave me alone anyway.
I was thinking on his requirements 85 and 86 of “You are vocal about your orgasms” and “You have never, and never will, fake an orgasm”.
So he wants women to loudly moan during sex to boost his fragile ego, yet he is against them faking pleasure? Okay, dude, good luck with that.
Kendra, as requirements they are obnoxious, but as preferences, all else being equal, I think they’re pretty reasonable. I definitely prefer partners who are vocal or in some other way demonstrative during sex, and I would never want a partner to fake an orgasm. I think the bigger problem is that they are numbers 85 and 86 out of 100, and so many of the other 98 are somewhere between ridiculous and reprehensible.
I particularly like how he basically says “I’m going to dump you pretty soon (“understand that relationships are transitory” and “don’t keep calling me after I break up with you.”) So… she should be this absolute paragon, meet all your criteria, and then you’ll just toss her away? For what, the next in line out of the thousands of women who meet all your requirements and still want to fuck you? And what’s the point of having such a long list if all you want is a fling (e.g. who cares if she’ll be hot when she’s old if you have no intention of still being around then)?
(If it’s a parody, I don’t have anything to say about it other than “good eye for detail,” so I’m taking it at face value because that’s more fun.)
I kind of understand the “list” idea- but only when it comes to non-negotiable stuff (like degree of religiosity, drugs, or whatnot). Seriously? Body hair requirements? I can understand hygiene requirements (after dating someone who thought showers were a monthly torture exercise, I know that I am not compatible with a person like that). When you’re trying to sift through thousands and thousands of people for a compatible match, it can be hard to find someone who is even remotely worth meeting in person. Plus, as a woman, (although I have never actually formally dated online since I met my husband in junior college), there’s a lot of stuff that I need to make sure of before I’ll meet some random guy in person because of the simple fact that there *are* a lot of scary predators out there and many of them actually do get past the initial message or two because they’re skilled at pretending NOT to be utter gross douchebags.
While it is gross to get messages like the ones seen above, I can also breathe a sigh of relief that these people are automatically weeding themselves out before I ever have to hear the whiny sting of their obnoxious voices (which, indubitably, they will want to use constantly).
*sigh* I’ve said many a time that if for whatever reason my relationship with my husband were to dissolve (or he were to pass away before me), I would probably not seek out another sexual/romantic relationship. Nowadays, you just have to sift through so many people without even the basest modicum of respect and social grace just to find someone who is halfway decent and may possibly not even feel the same way for one another!
It’s not just finding someone who is a compatible friend and who has similar life goals, but it’s also someone you have to build a sexual life with, someone whose tastes and desires are similar to yours. It’s really hard to find someone who has all of these things going for them, especially on the Internet. I like a lot of people platonically and make pretty good friends easily, but the whole sex thing just a SNAFU when I get involved (maybe it’s just me being broken and bad at enjoying what others like during sex in general, though, O_o).
Boo, internet dating- it is full of trolls.
I’m looking for a woman…
With no common sense.
A massive entitlement mentality.
A total lack of morality.
Loves big government.
Want’s carte blanche to casually ridicule men while remaining immune to anything that could damage her precious feelings.
Acts like a slut at all times but is horrified at being called a slut.
Scours the web looking for anything that slights her feelings so she can scream, “See! Systemic misogyny!”
Welcome to Amerika!
I’m also getting a kick out of #38, “You don’t know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are”. If he put them on his list, he obviously knows who they are, so doesn’t that make him unworthy too? Oops, sorry, the rules only apply to women, not a catch like him.
Burgundy / Kendra – I think the problem with those things is that they come in the context of him making a bizillion demands for women to cater to his every whim. In that context, her orgasms are just another way of catering.
Plus, dude does not sound like he’d be very understanding about “normally I am super vocal, but today just wasn’t working for me, and you said you didn’t want me to fake it.”
Oh definitely, it’s all about “be my perfect sexual experience, expect nothing from me, and accept it graciously when I dump you.” Everything on the list is about how she affects him, not who she is.
My wife would fail that test, since she knows who they are.
The fact that she utterly despises them would presumably be neither here nor there.
@Wetherby – Yeah, I fail that one too. I’m aware of who they are, so never mind that I don’t care that they exist.
I’m reminded of a thing I once read that illustrated the ubiquitous-ness (ubiquitosity?) of pop culture with the example: “There are Amish kids who know about Madonna.”
I think my personal fave is that he has enough knowledge about bra sizes to have opinions, but not enough to know that the band size comes first. Also, he seems not to care how large you are if you have AA cups, which is probably just an error.
(Also, bra size requirements? I can understand have preferences in this area, but translating them into certain sizes? Ummm… okay.)
A little tidbit about men.
“In final acts of valor, Jon Blunk, Matt McQuinn and Alex Teves used their bodies to shield their girlfriends as accused madman James Holmes turned the Aurora cineplex into a shooting gallery.”
Just your average Joe’s doing what men have always done. Now go scour the web to see if you can find a creep who dared talk to a woman in an elevator. While the ladettes are in a frenzy to find any slight to their precious feelings, men do what they’ve always done, giving more for women than they ever get from women.
[unrelated pedantry]People really over-estimate how naive the Amish are. They go to modern doctors, they sell crops and crafts to modern companies, they have tons of tourists, and they have plenty of cultural interchange with everyday Americans. They’re not isolated from modernity; they just choose not to adopt certain technologies and fashions.
So while I’d be surprised if there were Amish Madonna fans, it’s actually not that amazing that they know of her existence.[/unrelated pedantry]
I love how he had no low self estem on his list.
Does he think a woman with high self estem would really take interst in him?
Hey, hundred-item-dude, douches are for vaginas, *enemas* are for asses.
For that matter, does he think he’d really take interest in a woman with high self-esteem? Sounds like she’d be too insistent on her own humanity, needs, and wants for someone who demands the right to dump popcorn over her head in public, throw the occasional punch, and dump her on a whim.
I think Macarroni-guy should teach PUAs a thing or two. It’s not threatening, doesn’t put down your seld-esteem, and is kind of funny, and makes you a bit curious about the guy.
In this context I can only assume that “no low self esteem” is code for “You’re not allowed to talk about your emotions in my presence.”
I don’t think it’s that he wants women with high self-esteem. He just wants women who will always act upbeat and perky, no matter how they feel on the inside. His ideal girlfriend would be one of the Ju Dees from Avatar: The Last Airbender.