Every woman I know who’s tried online dating has gotten all sorts of weird and sleazy messages from guys, from crude sexual come-ons (“sorry for being forward but id love to cum on your glasses :)”) to terrible “sexy” jokes (“So ay girl, you looking for a stud? Because I got the std, all I need is u :)”) to fetish-tastic examples of Too Much Information (“I WISH I WERE A DOG SO I COULD SUCK MYSELF OFF”). (No, guys, appending a smiley face emoticon does not make it ok to be a grotesque douchebag.)
You always wonder what guys like this are thinking. With the dog lover at the end, it’s clear he was trying to rattle a woman who hadn’t replied to two earlier messages of increasing creepiness. With the others, I suppose they think there’s always a tiny chance that some woman out there is as desperate and horny and undiscerning as they are.
What’s stranger are those who lead not with sexual come ons but with blatant misogyny. Do men really think that women melt at the thought of dating a man who hates half the human race? Or are they just looking for yet another chance to mansplain their Men’s Rights bullshit to the world?
Here are a couple of examples of this strange and unsuccessful approach to winning over women which I found on the delightful and disturbing blog The Ladies of OkCupid, which documents the quests of three women searching for love online.
Sometimes the misogyny sneaks up on you, as in this OkCupid profile from a “laid-back” slut-shamer (who was clearly not an English major):
This fellow, by contrast, launches into the misogyny right from the start, suggesting that the woman he’s writing is exceptional, simply because she’s not stupid and illogical like the rest of her gender:
This “edgy” fellow tries to break the ice with some lovely rape jokes:
But the strangest one I’ve seen so far comes from this dude, who uses his OKCupid profile as an opportunity to mansplain why feminism is eeeeeevil:
Oh, and that list keeps going; it’s one hundred items long.
As Jasmine from The Ladies of OKCupid writes,
Delusional and repulsive takes on a whole new level with this one, because I really don’t think he’s kidding. He has every social media outlet known to man with all the same crap, and his profile is HUGE. So either he’s attempting to become the ultimate Canadian troll, or he really thinks there’s a woman out there who exists like this AND would be interested in him, of all people. Really? He offers little more than a receding hairline and an outrageous sense of entitlement in return.
To paraphrase Animal House, delusional and repulsive is no way to go through life.
Happily for The Ladies of OKCupid, and the rest of those ladies seeking love online, not all the messages are like this. For example, take this message about a basic but delicious foodstuff:
Also, the woman who got the message above about that thinking-outside-the-box use for her glasses? She stayed on OkCupid, and is now in a happy relationship with a dude she met there who is not a shitlord.
@Jumbofish – Duh. Seriously just read the fucking thread already. I’m not “denying trans people their gender” you tosser. I already said:
Men = he / him (including! trans men)
women = she / her (including! trans women).
@cloudiah – wtf, who cares if it’s on YouTube, it’s an archive of a netowrk TV interview.
“network”
You insist trans people are their birth gender with your “change sexes” crap and that genderqueer people should be misgendered. I don’t care if you had some little inclusive thing randomly, you shit on trans people.
@cliff – yeah I get that “zie” =/= trans, necessarily.
Anyway, as I said, I’ve made my point re. the effect of its use and we’ll have to agree to disagree: as to whether or not it’s something that will help integrate genderqueer / intersex people into society or whether it will contribute to marginalising them.
You’ll just excuse the rest of us if we A) don’t take your word that that is what these words are meant to do B) take the word of those who live that life that this is what they’d prefer C) ignore you.
Or we can agree to disagree that you’re a dumbass.
@JumboAsshole
No, I insist that transpeople are the SEX THEY CHOOSE! Idiot!
A trans man is a man.
A trans woman is a woman.
Regardless of the birth sex they started out at!
Fuck, I said that in my very first post on the subject! And I restated it above!! What is wrong with you!??
What crap are you spewing now boy? What make you mr.cis the all decider on what genderqueer trans people “really” need? how in FSP name will misgendering them lead to them being less marginalized? Thats like saying trans people really need to not transition or come out as trans or they will be more marginalized or saying gay people really need to pretend to be straight to be less marginalized.
Trans people don’t choose to be their gender they are their gender transphobic dick.
…using sex in the official gov’t and/or social sense vis-a-vis what are appropriate pronouns to use, rather than the strict biological / medical sense…
@Jumbofisch – you keep using that word “transphobic” but it doesn’t mean what you think it means. Transphobic means “hating trans people”.
My attitude is: if someone says “I really feel like I am B (sex)” well OK then, we’ll all consider you to be B (sex) as well. That’s not “transphobic”.
@jumbofish – by the way congratulations on confirming one of my pet theories:
Anyone who uses the verbs “spewing” or “hurling*” when they mean “talking / writing”, and especially who follows that with “shit” or “bile” is an asshole.
(*unless it’s followed by the word “invective”)
Do you want to add the word vile to that list?
Yeah, that’s doubly annoying. Especially when they blatantly just don’t know how to spell “bile”.
(I know what you did there. Whatever.)
Yeah, because denying genderqueer people exist and have a right to use the pronouns they prefer isn’t transphobic at all.
/sarcasm
Cis people
Telling certain groups of trans* people
How they are allowed to identify themselves
Is transphobic
You jerkwad
@Jumbofisch – we already have a gender neutral pronoun that can be used in the singular and will be understood in context – “they”. I did mention that already.
Except when someone says “I really feel like I am [non-binary] and I would prefer that the pronouns you use to refer to me in the third person reflect that.” In which case your attitude, as you have made crystal clear, is “Screw you, I know which pronouns should apply to you better than you do.”
You can keep rejecting “transphobic” as a descriptor for this behavior all you want. Doesn’t make it any less contemptuous.
That was @Ugh too.
And now @Dani too – we already have a gender neutral pronoun that can be used in the singular and will be understood in context – “they”. I did mention that already.
But many of the people to whom that pronoun would apply do not prefer “they”, but rather “zie”. Why are you so insistent on ignoring their wishes?
It wasn’t originally. Your point was that it was influenced by Marxism and was thus “fruit from a poison tree.”
Your new point is, somehow, even more stupid. You’re saying that the Frankfurt school, and academia and society in general, are trying to use the concept of political correctness to destroy Western society and pave the way for Soviet victory! But where do the reptillians and the Illuminati fit in?
Wow, if an author promoting a book said something, it MUST be true! To be honest, I don’t even know why we’re still talking about this while Voldemort is still at large.
Also, pro tip, if a guy says that something would result in Soviet invasion, and the Soviet Union has since collapsed, he may not have had the soothsayer powers that you ascribe.
Also, how exactly would the goals of 2nd wave feminism, like narrowing the pay gap, no fault divorce and bodily autonomy for women in marriage, have allowed for Soviet invasion? Does NORAD run on misogyny?
More importantly, what brand of tinfoil can protect me?
@CassandraSays – I’m not “ignoring their wishes” I’m *suggesting* that they are doing themselves a disservice, in terms of:
– how that will play out in society at large.
– drawing a dividing line between them and everyone else.
Getting an entire language base of millions to adopt an entirely new pronoun is going out of your way to make life harder for yourself, IMO.
Did those people ask for your assistance? I don’t believe that they did, and some of them seem to be trying very hard to decline it right here in this conversation. So again, why are you so convinced that you know better than they do what’s helpful to them?
Lying about your intentions works better when people can’t just read how you started this stupid argument in the first place.
Yeah, I really believe you’re just trying to make helpful suggestions. Sure.