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Far from OK, Cupid

Do not reply to this man.

Every woman I know who’s tried online dating has gotten all sorts of weird and sleazy messages from guys, from crude sexual come-ons (“sorry for being forward but id love to cum on your glasses :)”) to terrible “sexy” jokes (“So ay girl, you looking for a stud? Because I got the std, all I need is u :)”) to fetish-tastic examples of Too Much Information (“I WISH I WERE A DOG SO I COULD SUCK MYSELF OFF”). (No, guys, appending a smiley face emoticon does not make it ok to be a grotesque douchebag.)

You always wonder what guys like this are thinking. With the dog lover at the end, it’s clear he was trying to rattle a woman who hadn’t replied to two earlier messages of increasing creepiness. With the others, I suppose they think there’s always a tiny chance that some woman out there is as desperate and horny and undiscerning as they are.

What’s stranger are those who lead not with sexual come ons but with blatant misogyny. Do men really think that women melt at the thought of dating a man who hates half the human race? Or are they just looking for yet another chance to mansplain their Men’s Rights bullshit to the world?

Here are a couple of examples of this strange and unsuccessful approach to winning over women which I found on the delightful and disturbing blog The Ladies of OkCupid, which documents the quests of three women searching for love online.

Sometimes the misogyny sneaks up on you, as in this OkCupid profile from a “laid-back” slut-shamer (who was clearly not an English major):

This fellow, by contrast, launches into the misogyny right from the start, suggesting that the woman he’s writing is exceptional, simply because she’s not stupid and illogical like the rest of her gender:

This “edgy” fellow tries to break the ice with some lovely rape jokes:

But the strangest one I’ve seen so far comes from this dude, who uses his OKCupid profile as an opportunity to mansplain why feminism is eeeeeevil:

Oh, and that list keeps going; it’s one hundred items long.

As Jasmine from The Ladies of OKCupid writes,

Delusional and repulsive takes on a whole new level with this one, because I really don’t think he’s kidding. He has every social media outlet known to man with all the same crap, and his profile is HUGE. So either he’s attempting to become the ultimate Canadian troll, or he really thinks there’s a woman out there who exists like this AND would be interested in him, of all people. Really? He offers little more than a receding hairline and an outrageous sense of entitlement in return.

To paraphrase Animal House, delusional and repulsive is no way to go through life.

Happily for The Ladies of OKCupid, and the rest of those ladies seeking love online, not all the messages are like this. For example, take this message about a basic but delicious foodstuff:

Also, the woman who got the message above about that thinking-outside-the-box use for her glasses? She stayed on OkCupid, and is now in a happy relationship with a dude she met there who is not a shitlord.

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Alpha Asshole Cock Carousel
Alpha Asshole Cock Carousel
8 years ago

I like maccaronies.

MissPrism
MissPrism
8 years ago

Ha! Is the full list as stuffed with hair-removal demands as the first few items? Strewth, what a nobber.

I went to a lovely wedding yesterday where’re the bride and groom met on MySingleFriend, which sounds a splendid idea because gentlemen like these would not be on it.

MissPrism
MissPrism
8 years ago

“Where’re”? Damn you, autocorrect.
Maccaronies are of course delicious.

Estraven
Estraven
8 years ago

I know I’m hopelessly naive (and probably optimisitc, to boot), but these lists of what people want in the person they’re hoping to meet/date/hook up with always baffle me. Mainly because whether it’s been friendship or romantic interludes, my experience has been serendipity! Didn’t have any formulas or lists … just meshed with somebody. I mean, certain things doom a close relationship of any kind for me (Republicans!), but I don’t have a list of demands, FFS. I mean, specifying a bra size? Also: this douche thinks he’s going to attract college-educated women by the dozens?

I despair.

burgundy
burgundy
8 years ago

@Estraven – years ago, my mother was on Match.com, and her profile said something along the lines of, I don’t have a list anymore, surprise me, and this one guy was really impressed by that, and messaged her, and long story short they’ve been together for about 8 years now and got married last month. (And if you’d asked her for a list, he probably wouldn’t have qualified.)

My favorite bit from not-a-misogynist-huge-list guy is how women have “many uses.” Like sextoys! And breeding units! And… housekeepers, baby-sitters, cooks, trophies…that’s five uses right there.

Crumbelievable
Crumbelievable
8 years ago

I agee, he’s not a mysogynist. Not at all. He’s a misogynist.

Magnesium
Magnesium
8 years ago

The last guy’s list was magnificent. I needed a good laugh.

aworldanonymous
8 years ago

Maccaronies are great, except for when they’re the only food available.

pecunium
8 years ago

I like macaronies, and cheese. Sometimes I like them with pesto, or tomato sauce. Brown butter and pine nuts are good, a bit of garlic and some olive oil. Fried until they are crispy, or made into a custard.

Macaronies are good.

Cliff Pervocracy
8 years ago

He wants a woman who will conform to 100 obnoxious, nitpicky requirements just to qualify for a date with a misog… excuse me, male chauvinist –but no low self-esteem?

mmkay.

Bee
Bee
8 years ago

He wants a woman who will conform to 100 obnoxious, nitpicky requirements just to qualify for a date with a misog… excuse me, male chauvinist –but no low self-esteem?

To be fair, one of them is “Must shit rainbows.”

cloudiah
8 years ago

He also wants to be able to dump popcorn on his ideal woman at the movies. What a catch!

Bee
Bee
8 years ago

And she should be able to take a punch!

Of course he’s not a mysogynist, what with his need to control and punch women and all, but come on. Wasting popcorn is a true crime against humanity. What kind of monster is he?

Wetherby
Wetherby
8 years ago

I know I’m hopelessly naive (and probably optimisitc, to boot), but these lists of what people want in the person they’re hoping to meet/date/hook up with always baffle me. Mainly because whether it’s been friendship or romantic interludes, my experience has been serendipity! Didn’t have any formulas or lists … just meshed with somebody.

My wife and I have hardly any interests in common – I don’t think she’s read a single work of fiction that didn’t have the words ‘Harry’ and ‘Potter’ in the title since I’ve known her, and her knowledge of and interest in music is close to nonexistent other than a few popular hits absorbed by osmosis. If we’d been matched by a dating agency, I’d have strong suspicions about their methodology and might well have turned her down flat without bothering to meet her.

But because we clicked on an absolutely fundamental level – initially over a shared love of truly eye-wateringly bad-taste jokes, then lots of other small but crucial things – none of that mattered.

In fact, I now think that it’s a major advantage for our kids that their parents have such different interests: I’m handling the cultural side of their education, she’s handling the scientific/medical side.

Cliff Pervocracy
8 years ago

Some other demands from the lovely gentleman:

18. You take it up the ass occasionally, but don’t give it up all the time.

So I have to be either a woman who hates anal sex, but occasionally gives in because he is so Very Dominant, or a woman who likes anal sex, but randomly refuses just to prove she’s not a slut. …And he probably doesn’t think the second one exists.

Y’know, I’ve got nothing against anal itself, that’s just good clean fun, but man, there are a lot of guys who want it for the wrong reasons.

31. You understand the difference between a fact-based argument and an emotion-based argument.

Yep! The first is what you’re going to call your arguments, and the second is what you’re going to call mine! And even if I didn’t see that game coming a mile away, I also see a whole lot of “emotions are inferior to facts, therefore emotions don’t matter at all, so you can’t complain when I massively abuse you emotionally.”

52. You don’t get jealous and/or suspicious when I don’t return your calls for days.

Please let this be a parody.

61. You shit rainbows.

…Maybe it is? Maybe. I don’t even know any more.

78. You can take a punch.

Okay, we’re done here.

aworldanonymous
8 years ago

So he wants a girl who has a mind of her own, but is ok with being utterly and totally controlled by him…Fuck me if he hasn’t got his priorities in order./sarcasm

burgundy
burgundy
8 years ago

Cliff – on the one hand, I feel like it almost has to be a parody. On the other hand, that’s an awful lot of work to do for lulz. But people do stuff like that all the time, so…

It’s just so over-the-top. Your mom must be hot. Your sister must be hot.

If it is a parody, I would really love to meet the person who wrote it.

RubyHypatia
RubyHypatia
8 years ago

I also tend to believe these guys are trying to rattle women, and may even be getting off on it. I hate creeps like them.

Wetherby
Wetherby
8 years ago

I also tend to believe these guys are trying to rattle women, and may even be getting off on it.

That’s a pretty controversial minority opinion you’ve got there. Are you sure it’ll stand up to scrutiny?

Cliff Pervocracy
8 years ago

Burgundy – Sadly, I’ve heard the “must have a hot mom” thing other places, based on the theory that women will age to look like their mothers.

(I don’t look anything like my mom now, so it would be pretty surprising if that happened.)

Sharculese
8 years ago

I also tend to believe these guys are trying to rattle women, and may even be getting off on it. I hate creeps like them.

cool. i hate creeps who get off on the pain and suffering of those they think theyre better than. thats the kind of creeps i hate.

BlackBloc
BlackBloc
8 years ago

OK I’m going through the Ladies of OKC blog and there’s like a million people contacting them with sub-40% Match scores and huge Enemy scores.

Now that score isn’t perfect but I sometimes get dealbreakers in questions from people with 90% Match and often have them with people at 70% (though sometimes I get like a 75-80% person where all the ‘bad answers’ are minor stuff and all my important shit is a match). There’s no way someone at 38% Match is anywhere compatible with someone.

So my inevitable conclusion is that these guys are just checking pictures and mass mailing every girl they like the look of without even caring about their profile (which is the experience my lover relates, she gets dozens of mails a week from people who have clearly not read her profile at all).

I never get contacted by girls under 70% (and mostly no under 80%) but I get bi/gay guys at 30% all the fucking time. Some people clearly have the wrong approach to this whole dating thing.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

“If it is a parody, I would really love to meet the person who wrote it.”

That might be the point? I can’t see any other way those profiles could possibly be intending to attract partners, so maybe they are going for “who the fuck would write this?!”

And yes, macaroni is good.

I am loving that reply knock-knock joke with the punch line “ya better check your fucking privilege”. Whereas Mr. “logical women don’t exist” is failing to realize that any truly logical woman would take that as a sign not to speak to his dumb ass.

Dani Alexis
Dani Alexis
8 years ago

OkCupid has, or used to have, what I considered the single most useful dating-related question ever:

Women are obligated to shave their legs.

__Strongly Agree
__Agree
__Disagree
__Strongly Disagree

In the comment box attached to the question, I wrote “‘Obligated’ to whom? They’re *my* legs!”

Not coincidentally, every dude who messaged me and who had ticked one of the “agree” options to this question was a dude I ended up not getting along with. Including the one I actually did go on a date with, who turned up 30 minutes late, congratulated himself for being 15 minutes early, and then went on to explain how the whole world was fucking him and his MBA over for not handing itself to him on a silver platter while he hung out in Mom’s basement the whole summer.

…Yeah, no, dude. You don’t have to be Superman, but at least try to keep up with those of us who work for a living and have hobbies, okay?

Wetherby
Wetherby
8 years ago

cool. i hate creeps who get off on the pain and suffering of those they think theyre better than. thats the kind of creeps i hate.

unless theyre raped in prison cuz thats hilarious amirite

blitzgal
8 years ago

78. You can take a punch.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

captainbathrobe
8 years ago

Because nothing says romance like complaining (inaccurately) that feminists won’t “take it up the arse.” I bet this Romeo has to fight ’em of with a whip and a chair.

Cliff Pervocracy
8 years ago

I feel sorta bad for even noticing, but Mr. Rape Joke totally fucked up his delivery. If you’re going to go around harrumphing about your intellectual superiority and how your horrible jokes are okay because they’re just that funny, the least you can do is not totally blow your jokes.

Dani Alexis
Dani Alexis
8 years ago

Also, I don’t know what amuses me more about 100-Things-List-Guy: that I meet an awful lot of his stupid criteria (no rainbow-shitting though, damnit), or that #5 alone means that I would neither message him nor refrain from pointing and laughing at his profile.

Ms. Crazy Pants
Ms. Crazy Pants
8 years ago

Definitely Mr. Maccaronies for the win here. I wouldn’t bother with anyone that could even come up with a list of 100 requirements.

My significant other and I met through PlentyOfFish and chose each other from a strange exchange of pictures. He showed me a picture of his lawnmower that he welded a ton of spikes to. It still functioned, but one definitely didn’t want to trip while mowing. I sent him a picture of a banana attempting to have sex with a pop tart. We get along famously.

pangea
8 years ago

5) You don’t have Low-Self-Esteem (LSE)

Sir, the only woman who would even consider you as a potential mate would have to have severely low self-esteem. Women with a healthy self-esteem would not settle for a man who views them as inferior and expects them to conform to a bunch of silly beauty and behavioral standards.

emilyperson
emilyperson
8 years ago

If you’re going to go around harrumphing about your intellectual superiority and how your horrible jokes are okay because they’re just that funny, the least you can do is not totally blow your jokes.

He did succeed at trivializing rape through jokes (which is so hard to do, and not related to any Latin phrases that rhyme with “flipso flacto” at all.) They just… weren’t very humorous jokes.

If Creeper #1’s in the greater Detroit area, 104.3 FM’s a pretty decent classic rock/oldies station and 103.5 is the worst kind of Christian Radio(TM).

By mainstream standards, my mom’s way hotter than me. So I guess I meet that requirement, but guys who have it in the first place leave me alone anyway.

Kendra, the bionic mommy
Kendra, the bionic mommy
8 years ago

I was thinking on his requirements 85 and 86 of “You are vocal about your orgasms” and “You have never, and never will, fake an orgasm”.

So he wants women to loudly moan during sex to boost his fragile ego, yet he is against them faking pleasure? Okay, dude, good luck with that.

burgundy
burgundy
8 years ago

Kendra, as requirements they are obnoxious, but as preferences, all else being equal, I think they’re pretty reasonable. I definitely prefer partners who are vocal or in some other way demonstrative during sex, and I would never want a partner to fake an orgasm. I think the bigger problem is that they are numbers 85 and 86 out of 100, and so many of the other 98 are somewhere between ridiculous and reprehensible.

I particularly like how he basically says “I’m going to dump you pretty soon (“understand that relationships are transitory” and “don’t keep calling me after I break up with you.”) So… she should be this absolute paragon, meet all your criteria, and then you’ll just toss her away? For what, the next in line out of the thousands of women who meet all your requirements and still want to fuck you? And what’s the point of having such a long list if all you want is a fling (e.g. who cares if she’ll be hot when she’s old if you have no intention of still being around then)?

(If it’s a parody, I don’t have anything to say about it other than “good eye for detail,” so I’m taking it at face value because that’s more fun.)

Nanasha
Nanasha
8 years ago

I kind of understand the “list” idea- but only when it comes to non-negotiable stuff (like degree of religiosity, drugs, or whatnot). Seriously? Body hair requirements? I can understand hygiene requirements (after dating someone who thought showers were a monthly torture exercise, I know that I am not compatible with a person like that). When you’re trying to sift through thousands and thousands of people for a compatible match, it can be hard to find someone who is even remotely worth meeting in person. Plus, as a woman, (although I have never actually formally dated online since I met my husband in junior college), there’s a lot of stuff that I need to make sure of before I’ll meet some random guy in person because of the simple fact that there *are* a lot of scary predators out there and many of them actually do get past the initial message or two because they’re skilled at pretending NOT to be utter gross douchebags.

While it is gross to get messages like the ones seen above, I can also breathe a sigh of relief that these people are automatically weeding themselves out before I ever have to hear the whiny sting of their obnoxious voices (which, indubitably, they will want to use constantly).

*sigh* I’ve said many a time that if for whatever reason my relationship with my husband were to dissolve (or he were to pass away before me), I would probably not seek out another sexual/romantic relationship. Nowadays, you just have to sift through so many people without even the basest modicum of respect and social grace just to find someone who is halfway decent and may possibly not even feel the same way for one another!

It’s not just finding someone who is a compatible friend and who has similar life goals, but it’s also someone you have to build a sexual life with, someone whose tastes and desires are similar to yours. It’s really hard to find someone who has all of these things going for them, especially on the Internet. I like a lot of people platonically and make pretty good friends easily, but the whole sex thing just a SNAFU when I get involved (maybe it’s just me being broken and bad at enjoying what others like during sex in general, though, O_o).

Boo, internet dating- it is full of trolls.

nwoslave
8 years ago

I’m looking for a woman…

With no common sense.
A massive entitlement mentality.
A total lack of morality.
Loves big government.
Want’s carte blanche to casually ridicule men while remaining immune to anything that could damage her precious feelings.
Acts like a slut at all times but is horrified at being called a slut.
Scours the web looking for anything that slights her feelings so she can scream, “See! Systemic misogyny!”

Welcome to Amerika!

thebionicmommy
thebionicmommy
8 years ago

I’m also getting a kick out of #38, “You don’t know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are”. If he put them on his list, he obviously knows who they are, so doesn’t that make him unworthy too? Oops, sorry, the rules only apply to women, not a catch like him.

Cliff Pervocracy
8 years ago

Burgundy / Kendra – I think the problem with those things is that they come in the context of him making a bizillion demands for women to cater to his every whim. In that context, her orgasms are just another way of catering.

Plus, dude does not sound like he’d be very understanding about “normally I am super vocal, but today just wasn’t working for me, and you said you didn’t want me to fake it.”

burgundy
burgundy
8 years ago

Oh definitely, it’s all about “be my perfect sexual experience, expect nothing from me, and accept it graciously when I dump you.” Everything on the list is about how she affects him, not who she is.

Wetherby
Wetherby
8 years ago

I’m also getting a kick out of #38, “You don’t know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are”. If he put them on his list, he obviously knows who they are, so doesn’t that make him unworthy too? Oops, sorry, the rules only apply to women, not a catch like him.

My wife would fail that test, since she knows who they are.

The fact that she utterly despises them would presumably be neither here nor there.

Dani Alexis
Dani Alexis
8 years ago

@Wetherby – Yeah, I fail that one too. I’m aware of who they are, so never mind that I don’t care that they exist.

I’m reminded of a thing I once read that illustrated the ubiquitous-ness (ubiquitosity?) of pop culture with the example: “There are Amish kids who know about Madonna.”

WordSpinner
WordSpinner
8 years ago

I think my personal fave is that he has enough knowledge about bra sizes to have opinions, but not enough to know that the band size comes first. Also, he seems not to care how large you are if you have AA cups, which is probably just an error.

(Also, bra size requirements? I can understand have preferences in this area, but translating them into certain sizes? Ummm… okay.)

nwoslave
8 years ago

A little tidbit about men.

“In final acts of valor, Jon Blunk, Matt McQuinn and Alex Teves used their bodies to shield their girlfriends as accused madman James Holmes turned the Aurora cineplex into a shooting gallery.”

Just your average Joe’s doing what men have always done. Now go scour the web to see if you can find a creep who dared talk to a woman in an elevator. While the ladettes are in a frenzy to find any slight to their precious feelings, men do what they’ve always done, giving more for women than they ever get from women.

Cliff Pervocracy
8 years ago

“There are Amish kids who know about Madonna.”

[unrelated pedantry]People really over-estimate how naive the Amish are. They go to modern doctors, they sell crops and crafts to modern companies, they have tons of tourists, and they have plenty of cultural interchange with everyday Americans. They’re not isolated from modernity; they just choose not to adopt certain technologies and fashions.

So while I’d be surprised if there were Amish Madonna fans, it’s actually not that amazing that they know of her existence.[/unrelated pedantry]

earthfae
8 years ago

I love how he had no low self estem on his list.

Does he think a woman with high self estem would really take interst in him?

ozymandias42
8 years ago

Hey, hundred-item-dude, douches are for vaginas, *enemas* are for asses.

Dani Alexis
Dani Alexis
8 years ago

Does he think a woman with high self estem would really take interst in him?

For that matter, does he think he’d really take interest in a woman with high self-esteem? Sounds like she’d be too insistent on her own humanity, needs, and wants for someone who demands the right to dump popcorn over her head in public, throw the occasional punch, and dump her on a whim.

Kyrie
Kyrie
8 years ago

I think Macarroni-guy should teach PUAs a thing or two. It’s not threatening, doesn’t put down your seld-esteem, and is kind of funny, and makes you a bit curious about the guy.

Dracula
Dracula
8 years ago

I love how he had no low self estem on his list.

Does he think a woman with high self estem would really take interst in him?

In this context I can only assume that “no low self esteem” is code for “You’re not allowed to talk about your emotions in my presence.”

Leum
Leum
8 years ago

I don’t think it’s that he wants women with high self-esteem. He just wants women who will always act upbeat and perky, no matter how they feel on the inside. His ideal girlfriend would be one of the Ju Dees from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

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