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crackpottery grandiosity I'm totally being sarcastic incoherent rage matriarchy misogyny MRA oppressed men shit that never happened the c-word the spearhead

MRA theologian: “Mary Magdalene … f**ked an alien to get preggers and got Joe the carpenter to pay for it all.”

He looks just like his father.

Welcome, my friends, to the First Church of Misogynist Crackpottery. Today’s sermon will be delivered by The Very Extremely Reverend  AfOR, visiting from The Spearhead. He has many wise words on the topics of Mary Magdalene (Mother of God), space  aliens, and cunts.

Sorry, xtainity was always a crock of shit, and I have seen inside it deeper than most….

Today, in the 21st century, we can for the first time create a pregnant virgin, so 2,000 years ago “god” was an alien, or a figment of imagination.

2,000 years ago Mary Magdalene even if impregnated via test tube in the lab on the alien space ship, gave birth via the cunt, so no tight virginity there.

Ever since then, the holy trinity…

1/ God, an ethreal being that no-one ever saw, except jesus, so if he existed he was an alien ship doctor.. eg he was NOT human.

2/ Jesus, who was NOT human, even the biblical teachings stress this point, he was not a man.

3/ Mary Magdalene, the only human, and therefore the MOST REVERED human in the religion is a wimminz, who fucked an alien to get preggers and got Joe the carpenter to pay for it all and feed and house them.

“Chivalry” in the middle ages was literally based on worship of Mary Magdalen’s cunt, and the chivalric symbology and iconography is replete with cunt symbolism, right down to the order of the garter.

The only remotely male centric tenets of christianity were lifted wholesale from other religions and beliefs and incorporated in an early example of embrace and extend.

Christianity has NEVER been a man’s religion.

Hell even the pristhood, the highest echelons of the meme, were not allowed to fuck.

Thanks to scarletpipistrelle for pointing me to AfOR’s  wonderfully imaginative theological thinking.

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Amanda Ching
8 years ago

…Mary Magdalene isn’t the same Mary as Mary Mother of Jesus. O_o

Grapeban
Grapeban
8 years ago

The Da Vinci Code would have been at least five times better if it had been revealed that Mary Magdalene was impregnated by an alien, that’s all I’m saying.

darksidecat
8 years ago

I know I am usually the first to suggest theology/religious stories are irrelevant, but I can’t help but be a bit amused that he thinks Mary Magdelene and Virgin Mary and the same character.

Freitag
Freitag
8 years ago

Already been ninja’d by everyone on the Magdalen/Virgin thing. But since he’s gotten that teensy li’l fact wrong, it kind of screws up everything else he’s said.

Grapeban
Grapeban
8 years ago

Also, I like his statement that there are no men in the religion. I imagine a sort of “Life of Brian” style response to that.

“What about Moses?”

“Well, of course Moses”

“And John the Baptist”

“Yes, yes, obviously Moses and John the Baptist but…”

“And Abraham and Isaac.”

“I know…”

“Jacob”

“Alright…”

“And all the disciples”

“Okay, okay, apart from Moses, John the Baptist, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, all the disciples, there are no men in the Bible.”

“You forgot David.”

“Which David?”

“Any David.”

creativewritingstudent
creativewritingstudent
8 years ago

… Does that make God a Birth Queen or a Pollination Technition?

[/Sims 2 fan]

BlackBloc
BlackBloc
8 years ago

Mary Magdalene being the Virgin Mary and mother of Jesus is part of Marvel’s Ultimate universe reboot of the Jesus franchise.

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
8 years ago

BUT THEY’RE BOTH NAMED MARY IT’S TOO BIG OF A COINCIDENCE.

By the way, you all do realize this means we have to decide which Science Fiction starship doctor is actually Yahweh, right?

I cast my vote for the Emergency Medical Hologram from Voyager (later named Joe).

I mean, the show kind of stank, but Robert Picardo can make anything good as long as he’s on camera. He’s a god we can believe in.

ShadetheDruid
ShadetheDruid
8 years ago

Ah, the “all the figures in world religions were actually aliens” conspiracy theory.. one of the classics.

Ithiliana
8 years ago

@Tulgey Logger: Robert Picardo/the hologram doctor was the BEST thing on that (not very good) show. We adored him.

creativewritingstudent
creativewritingstudent
8 years ago

@Tulgey Logger

Dr Zoidberg!

Bostonian
8 years ago

I’m not saying it was aliens…but it was Totally ALIENS!!!!!11!!

Sharculese
8 years ago

they dumb

BlackBloc
BlackBloc
8 years ago

Pretty sure that Mary’s alien impregnator was a facehugger. Though it may just be that I skipped Sunday school that week to go watch Aliens. I’m not sure.

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
8 years ago

Yes! Two for Picardo! Great minds think like Ithiliana.

But then again, creativewritingstudent has a compelling case:

Shadow
Shadow
8 years ago

Proof!!!!

Shadow
Shadow
8 years ago

DAMN YOU NINJA!!!!!!

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
8 years ago

What’s the term for when you ninja someone, but it turns out you were surpassed by the person you ninja’d?

Freitag
Freitag
8 years ago

Has anyone on The Spearhead pointed out this little factual error to Mr. AfOR? Or are facts MISANDRY?

cloudiah
8 years ago

And then Mary Magdalene, or was it Mary Poppins? Well, no matter, Mary whoever totally turned around and false-rape-accused the alien, amirite?

Ithiliana
8 years ago

aworldanonymous
8 years ago

Where’s Owly when you need him?

Cliff Pervocracy
8 years ago

This is the only correction I saw of AfOR:

First of all, you are confusing Mary the mother of Jesus with Mary Magdalene; these are two entirely different people.

Second of all, the Catholic church only prohibited marriage for its clergy around the 12th century. The Church was a thousand years old before it definitively took a stand in favor of celibacy at the Second Lateran Council held in 1139, when a rule was approved forbidding priests to marry (before that they had wives, children and everything).

There seems to be a sort of MRA code of honor (less so on r/mr, more so on the Spearhead, and massive on AVfM) that you don’t call out people for extreme or ludicrous viewpoints, as long as they’re MRA ones.

So this other guy can make a factual correction, he can say “hey, wrong Mary,” but it’s against the damn code of honor to go “wait, alien conspiracy theories that somehow manage to blame women anyway, wtf?”

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

OK, so obviously getting the two Marys mixed up wins the lulz award, but there was also this…

“2,000 years ago Mary Magdalene even if impregnated via test tube in the lab on the alien space ship, gave birth via the cunt, so no tight virginity there.”

The misogynist theory of female virginity – the moment anything goes into or out of the vagina, you’re no longer a virgin*, and “virgin” means “tight”. Notice that how all of this is experienced by the person who the vagina is attached to is irrelevant, it’s all about how that vagina feels to a cock, and the idiot who it’s attached to. The idea that a baby got there first might hurt his fee-fees.

*I guess this means that the next MRA campaign is going to be focused on banning tampons?

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

“Or are facts MISANDRY?”

Refusing to accept the BRAINFAX of an MRA is MISANDRY! (they’re allergic to TRUEFAX it seems)

As for sci-fi alien doctors…well, ten does kind of go around getting married, and that whole good Queen Beth thing….so my vote is on The Doctor (and preferably 10, 11 really does have a hilarious chin)

On topic — “Mary Magdalen’s cunt” — these are the same guys who lament their lack of free speech and shit right? Do they get that they’d have been burned at the stake for that not so long ago? (And because I’m having an immature day, that phrase is pretty hilarious out of context)

WordSpinner
WordSpinner
8 years ago

I’m just wondering where he got the alien spaceship thing–IME most people who don’t believe that Jesus was the son of God (if Christian) or a prophet (if Muslim) think either (a) he was just a man or (b) he never existed.

But I’m really getting a “how dare a woman be important!” vibe from the whole thing. Also a “do I have enough tinfoil for another hat” vibe.

aworldanonymous
8 years ago

The misogynist theory of female virginity – the moment anything goes into or out of the vagina, you’re no longer a virgin*, and “virgin” means “tight”. Notice that how all of this is experienced by the person who the vagina is attached to is irrelevant, it’s all about how that vagina feels to a cock, and the idiot who it’s attached to. The idea that a baby got there first might hurt his fee-fees.

Double whammy with the fact that for the most part vaginae don’t work that way.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Cliff — I’d thought history was misandry, that is, insisting they not make up history was an act of misandry, so even that minor correction seems notable.

Cassandra — “*I guess this means that the next MRA campaign is going to be focused on banning tampons?” — Don’t those already have an “Am I still a virgin?” question in the FAQ?

darksidecat
8 years ago

1 4M 1NVOK1NG TH3 N4M3 OF YOUR 34RTH J3GUS TO 3XPR3SS FRUSTR4T1ON

scarlettpipistrelle
8 years ago

My pleasure David – I stand all amazed at the nutfest of creative intellectual failure over on Brand X. Dunno much about history or nuttin over there. I hope someone makes his head spin even faster by mentioning the other Marys in the New Testament.

scarlettpipistrelle
8 years ago

AfOR is in good company over there. Wasn’t it Price himself who thought there were no female Tibetan Lamas, and who contradited the Dalai Lama (who claims to be a feminist)?

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
8 years ago

I have a loose memory floating around in my head of a certain tradition in which Jesus was actually born as a sort of gas cloud that reconstituted outside of his mother, an idea presumably developed to preserve Mary’s Total Virginity N Stuff, but I have no clue where to look this up and be sure I’m not just making it up. Anybody know anything about it?

@Ithiliana: Damn you, now I am stuck watching Robert Picardo videos! What a charming, engaging man.

Cliff Pervocracy
8 years ago

CassandraSays – He thinks a lot of himself if he thinks his dick is any preparation for a baby.

(Also, I’m pretty sure people who haven’t had PIV sex really have given birth from artificial insemination. Also the hymen is just this little bit of tissue, it’s not like a vagina is just closed until you have PIV. Also he just generally Fails Vaginas Forever.)

MorkaisChosen
MorkaisChosen
8 years ago

2/ Jesus, who was NOT human, even the biblical teachings stress this point, he was not a man.

Catholic secondary school education GO!

The Church emphasises the duality of Christ; he was both God and Man, hence ‘Son of Man’ as one of his epithets. He jokes around with his followers, like… pretty much any well-loved and charismatic leaderfriend.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

“I’m just wondering where he got the alien spaceship thing–IME most people who don’t believe that Jesus was the son of God (if Christian) or a prophet (if Muslim) think either (a) he was just a man or (b) he never existed.”

I’ve long been fond of a2 — just a man, but damned did Mary pull a nice trick to avoid being stoned for premarital sex.

I guess with the MRM it makes sense that the locals, faced with 1) believe her virgin birth story or 2) call the supposed mother of god’s kid a whore…the MRM would pick 2 and probably still scream about MISANDRY.

Instead, it’s aliens. Every conspiracy has an “it was aliens” sub-group though huh?

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Cliff — “Also the hymen is just this little bit of tissue, it’s not like a vagina is just closed until you have PIV.” — your the med geek here, so I assume you know this, but that can happen. And it isn’t good, considering the whole menstrual period thing. (That’s a wiki link, but ~SFW, diagrams of hymens may not go over well with your boss)

Freitag
Freitag
8 years ago

Refusing to accept the BRAINFAX of an MRA is MISANDRY! (they’re allergic to TRUEFAX it seems)

See, now this is a big problem I have with the MRM. So many of their “fax” seem to be based largely on assdata, and, call me cynical, but I’ve been in academia too long to take that seriously. Add in the evo-psych and armchair psych in general and I start to think it’s bullshit.

I’m sure that’s just me though.

aworldanonymous
8 years ago

Everyone knows that Jesus was really the God-Emperor of Mankind who went back into hiding after he “died”. He’s gonna come back in the 35th millenium in order to unite the warring factions of earth and go on a crusade to dominate the galaxy.

Cliff Pervocracy
8 years ago

Argenti – An imperforate hymen (which isn’t very common anyway) just means the tissue stretches all the way across the entrance of the vagina, though. The “not a tight virgin” thing makes it sound like the whole vagina is closed up, top to bottom, before it encounters Powerful Manly Penis Parts.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Cliff — yeah I know, my point was more than if they were right, it’d suck (for tangible reasons, not just generally be sucky — the latter being the standard of the MRM)

They should just change their definition to MRM = “we want everything to suck!”

Freitag — it isn’t just you, and I keep using BRAINFAX! because the image of a fax machine in one’s head is just too funny. Brainfaxes definitely result in assdata, I think you might’ve figured out how that mental fax machine works — true facts enter ears, are corrupted by the brainfax machine, which spits out assdata.

Maude LL
Maude LL
8 years ago

I guess Mary Magdalene was a virgin prostitute who traveled in time (because younger than Jesus) in order to become the most revered womynz in the universe. That’s one shrewd plot. I’m sure this genius’ tin foil hat looks very pretty on him. (As a member of the feminine nationality, I can’t help to use shaming tactics on such salt of the Earth men… But that’s also part of the misandrist international plot involving illuminati zombies and quantum mechanics).

I know the MRAs on the Spearhead often write non sequitur paranoid garbage detached from reality, but I suspect this one is a troll trying to make fun of them. They can’t be that ridiculous. Right?

Oh well, maybe I’m giving them too much credit…

Freitag
Freitag
8 years ago

Argenti, how very clearly explained! An A for mad logic skillz.

(Freitag, who is thinking that the production of assdata sounds rather painful.)

WordSpinner
WordSpinner
8 years ago

Brainfaxes definitely result in assdata, I think you might’ve figured out how that mental fax machine works — true facts enter ears, are corrupted by the brainfax machine, which spits out assdata.

I think you’ve solved it.

And I think imperforate hymens can cause some problems, if the hymen isn’t broken enough to allow menstruation (since most hymens have holes). Luckily, the fix is pretty easy.

By which I mean a doctor gives you some local anesthetic and perforates the hymen

Freitag
Freitag
8 years ago

OT: the kittens on UStream have a new springy toy. They are a refreshing break from MRA logic.

The First Joe
The First Joe
8 years ago

Hahahahaa!
There are so many levels of funny here.
I particularly like where peeps are gleefully correcting AFoR’s bizarro version of a fictional cult book as though it was actually For Realz.
Comedy gold!

Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III
8 years ago

Wow, a DaVinci Code/Indiana Jones IV mashup. If only they could work Daredevil in somehow, it would be perfect.

But of course, if you really want to enjoy the OP, try to imagine Leonard Nimoy narrating it on In Search Of…

aworldanonymous
8 years ago

@Freitag

That is still the single most adorable thing I’ve seen this week.

WordSpinner
WordSpinner
8 years ago

You know your a nerd when you watch kitten videos and try to apply what you know about coat color, genetics, and evo devo to them.

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