Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:
[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.
Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.
Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!
But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:
[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …
Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.
Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.
Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.
So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)
Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:
Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.
Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.
But he’s only getting started:
Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.
Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.
Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!
After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”
The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.
Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.
Huh. I call myself an agnostic, but maybe I’m one of those too.
David – I’m not personally bothered by NWO calling me a filthy Jew (or anything else other than private information), because I think it reflects a hell of a lot more on him than me.
Insular? Yes. US-centric? Debatable.
I also resent NWO’s constant flaunting of his authentic blue-collar, “street-cred.” Not only because of the kind of incongruous pearl clutching about the f-word that you pointed out but because he’s always misrepresenting blue-collar men by acting as though he’s their defacto representative.
I work with a lot of blue-collar men, my family is full of them, my man is essentially blue-collar. And they are not for the most part, ignorant, lying, hypocritical, scumbag rape apologists, who get all hot and bothered by 12 year olds in capris. They are good and decent men.
@David Futrelle
“No one has called you a “filthy Christian,” BTW. You’re getting worked up — or pretending to get worked up — about people “taking the lord’s name in vain,” something that Christians themselves do all the time.”
Have I ever done it, Dave? I let everyone here call me personally every name in the book. Is it too much to ask to respect everyones religious beliefs?
Hellkell, the character of Jesus portrayed in the gospels might well be accepting of nwoslave’s hate and violent rhetoric, depending on which gospel you are reading. After all Luke writes Jesus saying:
“If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.” (Luke 14:26)
and
“Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? I tell you, no, but rather division; for from now on five members in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” (Luke 12:51-53).
Matthew writes Jesus saying a very similar thing:
“Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s enemies will be the members of his household. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:34-39)
Claiming to be funny is like claiming to be nice, or classy, I guess. If you have to point it out…
“Oh, if anyone doesn’t have a problem with NWO calling them, personally, a filthy Jew, let me know, and I’ll remove the ban so he can go ahead and do that. ”
People can call me anything they want. I have to have respect for the person doing the insults for insults to hurt my feelings. It all rolls right off my back.
Nwoslave can call me a filthy Jew to his heart’s content.
David – My actual religious beliefs are… complicated, which is why I tend not to expound too much in public. But I think there are sacred things in this world (or sacred things are this world), even if they’re not “gods” the sense of having omnipotence or omniscience, so I’m definitely not an atheist.
…Or a religious Jew. I think there are sacred things in this world; I don’t think they care if I pick up shifts on Saturdays.
@Nobinayamu
“I work with a lot of blue-collar men, my family is full of them, my man is essentially blue-collar. And they are not for the most part, ignorant, lying, hypocritical, scumbag rape apologists, who get all hot and bothered by 12 year olds in capris. They are good and decent men.”
[link removed]
also i lost my other grandfather thanks to the holocaust. he wasnt in the camps, but he was part of the force that liberated them, and the shit he saw that he knew could have been him if his parents hadnt packed up and left europe fucked with his head bad enough that he ended up taking his own life
but again, owlslaves juvenile horseshit? do not give a fuck about that.
Also I think it’s funny how NWO keeps trying to aggressively misname me but keeps forgetting.
I’m a proud atheist, but I’m happy to use this for a hymn:
Yeah, on reflection my use of US-centric is probably debatable. It seems to me to be a peculiarly USian thing to get upset about the F-word, but I’m happy to be corrected. I myself get upset when people generalise about my own countryfolk as hopeless alcoholics and drug addicts, illiterates, etc. I would hate to upset someone else in the same way.
I definitely agree with the misrepresentation of blue collar workers. Like you, my family is full of such men. Working class women as well (which Slavey conveniently ignores) who work in jobs such as caring for the elderly and disabled. It just especially rubs me up the wrong way when he pretends to be a champion for the working class, when clearly he fucking is not.
It’s a peculiarly USian thing to throw a huge fit over use of the F-word in the media or in front of children, but cuss like sailors the instant you’re out of the public eye.
I’d be happy to jump in front of a speeding ethnic slur for someone else, but then I stop and think about it, and it feels appropriating to me to claim a connection to the camps closer than touring Dachau fifty years later.
Of course, the camps aren’t a universal Jewish experience, but they are a whopping big one.
I would like to offer big hugs to everyone here for whom NWOSlave’s shit-stirring has stirred up painful memories.
NWO, as for you, you can fuck right off a short pier and try your schtick on the fishes, you putz.
You know, I’m really thinking about it and I reckon that’s pretty much the same idea in the UK – particularly when I think of certain Daily Mail campaigns against media figures they don’t like in certain times! Yeah, we’re no better on this issue – apologies if I caused any offence with my sweeping generalisations.
Hey, I know exactly where you’re coming from and I wasn’t the least bit offended.
Same here. It irks the shit out of me when NWO puts on his fake-ass “representative of the common man” act. First of all, he makes it clear that he could give a shit about anyone but himself. And secondly, the way he talks about human behavior and interactions -his theories on sexuality- all of it is just so…
Can you honestly see NWO having a beer at the end of a long day with any of the men you know?
The same rule seems to apply to all of Heartiste’s dialogues as to New Yorker cartoon captions: they’re a lot funnier when you replace the last line with the phrase, “Christ, what an asshole.”
“It’s weird that NWO calls people “Nazis” as an insult, because I can’t think of anything about Nazis that he actually disagrees with.”
And you determined this by simply saying so.
Well, actually, yes – he determined it by trying to think of something about Nazis that you disagree with, and drawing a blank. People are allowed to ‘simply say so’ when they’re talking about their own thoughts, you fucking cretin.
I tried to find a YouTube clip of Cartman saying “fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck,” but was rapidly reminded why I probably don’t want to do that.
Cartman is like a little, poorly-animated NWOSlave except Cartman’s actually sometimes funny, and not just ridiculous.
Cartman is an amalgamation of Slavey’s sputtering rage and Meller’s love of dolls.
Oh, hey, I know something that some Nazi’s did that Slavey would probably disagree with: They went outside.
Apparently the Germans in general were heavily into enjoying gardens and parks and the countryside even before the jerks came to power. No surprise that plenty of Nazis kept taking walks, especially if it helped them ignore their consciences.
And Slavey’s just another Internet shut-in, so there would obviously be a sharp disagreement there about the value of fresh air and sunshine.
“Can you honestly see NWO having a beer at the end of a long day with any of the men you know?”
Not with anyone in my (largely working class) family, not with any of my friends, not with even the most aggressively sexist men who I’ve worked with. Not in a train, not on a plane, not in your neighborhood bar. Basically the only place that Slavey’s brand of screaming rage towards everyone who’s not a straight white guy plays well is Stormfront.
Suggesting that Jesus tapdances: terrible
Suggesting that Jesus worships Satan: A W E S O M E
NWO, you’re pretty much the one ridiculing Christ here.