Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:
[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.
Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.
Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!
But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:
[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …
Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.
Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.
Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.
So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)
Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:
Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.
Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.
But he’s only getting started:
Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.
Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.
Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!
After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”
The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.
Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.
And as for the crying about ridicule: fucksake NWO, everybody knows the only reason you come here is because you basically have a fetish for being ridiculed by feminists. Either that or you have a severe memory defect – if the latter is true you have my sympathies, but you might want to put a Post-It on your computer that reads ‘AVOID MANBOOBZ BECAUSE YOU GET RIDICULED EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU GO THERE.’
I mean Jesus Hairy Unicycling Christ in a Miniskirt, if I was such a sensitive flower about being ridiculed, I wouldn’t spend half my life on a website called http://www.kiki-is-an-asshat.com.
Ah, is NWO doing his whole language pearl-clutching thing again? Hey, Slavey – you know your whole working class thing you do as well? Well, where ah fuckin’ come frae, saying ‘fuck’ every other word is normal Glaswegian working class speech. Would you seriously protest working class speech? Whit ur ye, a fuckin’ SNOB?!
As for you whole faux outrage over religious slurs – don’t bother pretending that because people are using mild epithets taking the name of Jesus in vain, it gives you carte blanche to use anti-semitic slurs to your heart’s content. We ALL know you’ve been absolutely dying to use such slurs and just waiting for your opportunity. As I’ve said before – you think we’re fucking stupid and you’re not, and really that’s not the case.
@filthy Jew Cliff Pervocracy
“It’s weird that NWO calls people “Nazis” as an insult, because I can’t think of anything about Nazis that he actually disagrees with.”
And you determined this by simply saying so. A typical filthy jew.
————–
@filthy jew Sharculese
“im a big fan of ‘jesus motherfucking christ’ but i dont use it on this blog because i know there are believers and shit, so… whatever that adds to owlslaves little theory’
Of course you’re a fan of this, filthy jews are always fans of ridiculing others while declaring themselves immune. It’s almost like this filthy jewish trait is passed on down thru the generations. Ya can’t tell one filthy jew from the other.
@Ponkz
“Ah, is NWO doing his whole language pearl-clutching thing again? Hey, Slavey – you know your whole working class thing you do as well? Well, where ah fuckin’ come frae, saying ‘fuck’ every other word is normal Glaswegian working class speech. Would you seriously protest working class speech? Whit ur ye, a fuckin’ SNOB?!”
Are you a filthy jew as well? Or did those filthy jews buy you with their gold. Oh how those filthy jews love their gold.
This is rather fun. Thanks for making ridiculing peoples faith OK, Dave!!!
also last summer i tried to stop say goddammit when i found out it bothered my conservative catholic housemate
pretty much the only thing im not willing to stop saying to accommodate believers is ‘god isnt real’ because if youre allowed to profess faith in public i should be allowed to do the opposite
Point of information.
If I’m ethnically Jewish, but have not been to synagogue except to satisfy family obligations since reaching adulthood, do not believe in the Jewish concept of God, and do not follow any Jewish religious rules, am I a filthy Satan worshipper?
I’d like NWO to clarify this.
@ponkz
owlsave doesnt have issues with language, but he does love to get lathered up about supposed ‘anti-christian’ bias
I’ll be a little controversial here and comment on the actual article >.<
It seems these the problem with these wimminz sense of humour is that it isn't infantile like the examples provided in those quotes. Yeah, that's why it isn't funny.
I’m pretty sure he’s got all worked up about the number of fucks people were using before – which as a Glaswegian I found quite funny. Getting all precious about “taking the lord’s name in vain!” is a close relative of that outrage.
@Sharculese
I have stopped saying things like “oh my god” and now always say “oh my gods”. I mean, if I’m gonna be a faux-theist, I may as well go for polytheism and my culture’s old cool dudebro gods with swords and shit. Like Thor and Odin.
Thorsday is my holy day!
Basically what I’m trying to say is, as a working class woman from the west of Scotland, his constant flouting of working class credentials combined with the outrage he has expressed over Manboobzers’ use of the f-word is pretty funny and ironic. If Slavey walked into a Glasgow pub tomorrow and tried to be all ‘I’m working class’ and then turned around and got all offended the minute he heard the F-word (which would be roughly two seconds in), he would be ridiculed and treated with a lot of suspicion.
It’s a good illustration of just how insular and US-centric Slavey’s worldview is.
Slightly back on topic…
I’m desperate to meet one of these PUAs IRL just to see if people ACTUALLY behave like this.
Does anyone have any stories of real world encounters with these guys?
AHAHAHAHA this is so amazing
“HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A NAZI, YOU FILTHY JEW!”
Ok, NWO, now that you’ve gotten that out of your system, we’ll move on, and I’ll consider any further usage of “filthy Jew” *directed at an individual* to be harassment. Go ahead and use the term if you want, just don’t direct it an individual.
No one has called you a “filthy Christian,” BTW. You’re getting worked up — or pretending to get worked up — about people “taking the lord’s name in vain,” something that Christians themselves do all the time.
@Cliff – OMG I missed that – fucking hell…
Well Owly is a fundie, so I think basically if you don’t believe 100% like he does, you’re a Satan worshipper. That’s usually how it works.
NWO, Jesus wouldn’t be down with your hate and anti-Semitism, FYI.
Ooh Slavey called me a filthy jew! Catholic actually, but thanks for playing XD
Ponkz – Purely insular. Where there are areas of the US where working-class people are pretty circumspect about making light of Jesus, there’s nowhere you won’t hear “fuck” in a bar.
I’m only ethnically Jewish. (And not even stereotypically so–I have blonde hair and blue eyes.) I don’t go to synagogue or keep kosher or anything. Religiously, I identify as a pantheist, and more or less worship the consciousness of existence itself.
If you think I’m a filthy Jew, it’s not for my religion.
Oh, if anyone doesn’t have a problem with NWO calling them, personally, a filthy Jew, let me know, and I’ll remove the ban so he can go ahead and do that.
For example, NWO, I don’t mind you calling me a filthy Jew. I’m not actually Jewish, and I’ve recently taken a shower, but, what the heck, if you enjoy doing it, go right ahead. Heck, you can call me a filthy Christian if you want as well, though I’m not Christian either. (I’m agnostic.)
owlslave, my dad’s parents for never really forgave him for marrying a jew and having her jew kids, so compared to that youre weird little chest-thumping exercise is kind of like ‘w/e’
There are Holocaust survivors in my department. Professor A is semi-retired, but Professor B is still teaching.
Professor A spends as little time as possible in the department, and he leaves the lights off in his sparsely-furnished office even when he’s there, his heavy face in the half-darkness. When I told him I was depressed, he said: “The one thing you shouldn’t do is take larger doses of your medication than you’ve been prescribed, thinking it will help more quickly.” I remembered what I know of his family and winced. He was the first professor I ever graded papers for, and when the class was over, he sent me a letter telling me how well I had done. I don’t think I did a very good job.
He had been ten years old. He remembers hearing Hitler’s voice on the radio, at home in his own country, and he had no idea why the man on the radio was so angry. His parents made it as far as France and were caught there. They hid him in a boy’s school. He never knew what happened to them.
Professor B is a tiny man. I mean, physically, he is minuscule. He’s older than Professor A, but he’s still teaching and writing. Another professor told me he still goes horseback riding, if you can believe it. He found me at a party one night, and took me aside. “What is this about you wondering if you should leave?” he said. “I just don’t know if I’m good enough, I said.” “My friend, [another professor], told me you were the best person in his class.” Then he always made a point of giving me an encouraging word or two whenever we met. I told him once that he always seemed happy. “That’s because my life is getting better and better every day,” he said.
He and his brother went to Dachau together, but only he came back.
My father is a speech pathologist, and one of his patients, Mr. Guttmann, and his wife are Holocaust survivors. I went to the Guttmann’s house to talk about it. I thought I’d do some sort of oral history thing, even though I barely had any idea what oral history was, so I brought a tape recorder. I’ve kept the tape, but I’ll never listen to it. Mr. Guttman is in his late 90s, and he was my age when shit went down in Hungary. He was going to seminary in Budapest (side note: he had sex with a lot of prostitutes; he says they liked him because he was kind).
I don’t know where they took him, but because he says they had him “working on…a bunker,” and because he’s Hungarian, I’m guessing Majdanek. He remembers digging, in the cold. Beatings hurt worse when you’re cold. He stopped once, he had to, and two guards set their dog on him. The dog came up to him and paused, wagging its tail. One of the guards pulled his gun, but the other raised his hand. He was short and red-haired. Mr. Guttman still remembers this. “Don’t,” he said. “God saved him.”
Mr. Guttman’s wife survived by pretending to be ethnically Hungarian. He doesn’t know what she did while Hungary was occupied, but when he got back she had a little girl with her, who ran to meet him with open arms. “I don’t know whose she used to be,” he thought, “but she’s mine now.”
I want to be a filthy Jew! I’m 3/4 ethnically Jewish (including my maternal grandmother) but I was raised sort of secular christian (my winter holiday was a Christ-less Christmas, sometimes with a half hearted menorah lighting during Hanukkah)
So does that count? Can I be a filthy Jew? Can I? Please?
@david
i could not give less of a fuck what owlslave wants to rant and rave about.
Wasn’t Jesus Jewish?