Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:
[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.
Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.
Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!
But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:
[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …
Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.
Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.
Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.
So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)
Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:
Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.
Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.
But he’s only getting started:
Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.
Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.
Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!
After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”
The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.
Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.
@Cliff Pervocracy
“A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.”
Okay, million zillion ponies says the majority of people who use the phrase “Jesus tap-dancing Christ” are Christians. The reason I use the occasional Jesus-referencing curse is that I’m culturally Christian, and I picked them up from Christian relatives and other members of my Christian-dominated culture. It is seriously bizarre to blame the jewwwwws!
Not that I think it is at all a big deal when anyone says something as mild as “Jesus tap-dancing Christ,” no matter what their faith tradition. I mean, what’s even wrong with tap dancing? o.O
Even if it wasn’t mild, anyone should be allowed to say it. It’s not my place to tell people what exclamations they’re allowed to use, especially not on the basis of their religion which I have nothing to do with, nor would I want to. I’m not… doing so well with words, lately. Or ever. >.>
NWO: The supposed slur I applied to Jesus pales in comparison to the way that you and pretty much all of the so-called “religious right” besmirch his name. Since I am actually familiar with the Gospels, unlike you (despite being a big atheist Jew an’ all), I am pretty sure Jesus would have preferred to be associated with tap-dancing rather than with racism, misogyny, the gun culture and ideological capitalism.
Oh, come off it. Your own tradition routinely portrays Jesus having blow-dried hair and wearing a nightie. And you worry about him being stereotyped as tap-dancing?
@Nobinayamu & hellkell
“NWO, you big liar, who here has said “Jesus semen sucking Christ?”
If I recall his name was Ray Percival, I of course asked for my faith to not be ridiculed. Everyone here jumped on the bandwagon. Dave of course did nothing.
Dave, is it OK to ridicule a person faith on this site. The question is simple.
Something’s only a threat if it’s a change. You’ve sort of shot your “watch out, or I’ll start hating Jews” wad.
@Amused
” Oh, come off it. Your own tradition routinely portrays Jesus having blow-dried hair and wearing a nightie. And you worry about him being stereotyped as tap-dancing?”
Further ridicule from a filthy Jew. You don’t mind if I refer to all Jews as filthy Jews since you worship at the synagogue of satan? What else would you call a person of one faith who believes they have the right to ridicule another persons faith while remaining immune to any ridicule. That person would be filthy and Jewish. Therefore a filthy jew.
Dave, demand to call every person who is Jewish a filthy jew and I demand they laugh it off. If a jewish person can didtate what I can and can’t be offended by I can dictate what a filthy jew can and can’t be offended by.
Will we continue to play this game, filthy jewess, Amused?
Oh, come on. You can’t come up with anything even mildly funny? As a Jew, I’ll be the first to admit, my people deliver gobs of comedy gold. Between all the neuroses and all the yiddishe mamas, all you can come up with is … “satan-worshippers”? Meh. Boring.
If there ever comes a point in your life when you feel like reading (something besides neo-nazi propaganda, that is), drop me a line, and I’ll be happy to send you a copy of Cyrano de Bergerac.
Also I must add that I find it strange when Christians hate Jews seeing as their savior was a Jew. There’s a real disconnect there.
literal lol
Do only anti-semitic and Islamaphobia count? How about you, Dave? Nothing to say? Hypocrites.
I knew NWO was a fuckwit, but I thought even he realised that forums aren’t a real-time medium and you can’t actually reply to someone in the middle of their post.
Hey NWO, I heard you like to dress up as Hitler and suck wet turds out of dead pigeons while masturbating furiously to pictures of Englebert Humperdinck, and I thought it only fair that I give you a chance to set the record straight. Do you deny these scurrilous accusations? Hmmm? Come on, I’m waiting.
Nothing to say, eh? His silence, ladies and gentlemen, speaks volumes.
@Amused
“If there ever comes a point in your life when you feel like reading (something besides neo-nazi propaganda, that is), drop me a line, and I’ll be happy to send you a copy of Cyrano de Bergerac.”
Typical filthy Jew propaganda. Must be nice that filty jews own all the propaganda machine. That’s my new calling cadr for all Jews, Filthy Jew. You don’t mind, do you, filthy Jew? I consider my European heritage as Christians, they’re both one in the same as far as I’m concerned. My heitage is my faith.
Filthy Jew, Amused? Do you still want to play the game?
that should be more clear to owlslave, considering how his posts dont even show up until david allows them
@Sharculese
You’re a filthy jew as well aren’t you? Amused, Holly, Shaculese. Are there any other filthy jews here? So I can keep straight who is and isn’t a filthy jew. Sure filthy jews don’t think they can ridicule my heritage while filthy jews aren’t ridiculed in return.
I’ll accept that anyone here can ridicule my faith and heritage as long as I can do the same in return. Is this acceptable to all the filthy jews that reside here, or anyone else for that matter.
NWO is starting to sound like HAL from 2001.
“I’m calling you out, Dave.”
NWO, until you brought it up, only one person used the “semen sucking” line, Ray Percival; he used it three times. That’s obnoxious, but I generally don’t censor people for being obnoxious, unless they direct this obnoxiousness towards specific people here in a way that’s clearly harassment. If Jesus is the Son of God, as you believe, I think He can probably handle a few dumb insults from Ray Percival.
People say mocking things about religious figures all the time. Including believers. Christians say things like “Jesus H. Christ” or “Holy Christ tap-dancing on a cracker” all the time. Jews make fun of Jewish religious figures. Mel Brooks made fun of Moses; Jon Stewart makes jokes about Elijah.
Current scriptural analyses suggest that the John who wrote the Revelation* was actually complaining about Paul’s initiative to allow Gentiles to become Christians without becoming Jews first, and not following halachic laws afterward. Hence, ‘those who say they are Jews and are not’, since the Jerusalem church viewed Christians as perfected Jews, if you will.
*Despite what you may read, it is not ‘the book of Revelations’. Also, ‘apocalypse’ the Greek name for the book, means ‘uncovering’, not
The line “synagogue of Satan” is from Revelation. It is a reference to the schisms in the early christian church between the gentile followers of Paul and the more traditional Jewish followers of Jesus centered in Jerusalem. Much of the bible comes from the tradition on Paul, but Revelation was written by the more traditionally Jewish John of Patmos, who warned Jewish followers of Jesus not to be taken in by gentile followers of Paul who he called “those who call themselves Jews, but are really of the synagogue of Satan” John of Patmos wanted Jesus worship to remain a Jewish phenomenon, Paul wanted to expand to the gentiles.
It is very odd to use the phrase “synagogue of Satan” to describe Jewish people, especially when there is much from the Pauline sections of the new testament that can be used to defame the Jewish people.
“Or else beat her in the street.”
See, if you didn’t hate Jews already, this would… um, still be stupid.
You don’t protest something by doing it yourself only harder. If insulting someone’s religion is a bad thing no one should do, then “YAY I GET TO INSULT YOU NOW” shouldn’t be so damn exciting to you.
And if you’re really just making a rhetorical point, fuckin’ pick on Presbyterians or something for once.
Well, Ninjaed, as the kids are saying.
It’s weird that NWO calls people “Nazis” as an insult, because I can’t think of anything about Nazis that he actually disagrees with.
…Maybe they were too feminist for him?
im a big fan of ‘jesus motherfucking christ’ but i dont use it on this blog because i know there are believers and shit, so… whatever that adds to owlslaves little theory
ps: owlslave- im a jew, but im not one of those evangelical jews you think exist for some reason
@David Futrelle
And I find those slurs extremely repulsive and offensive. So I’m asking you if it’s ok to ridicule some ones faith and heritage. I come form a long line of Christians. As far back as I can trace in fact. My heritage is my Christianity.
If people here can mock my heritage I demand the right to do the same. Filthy Jew will become a part of everything I say when addressing whoever is Jewish on this thread.
Example; @Filthy Jew, Amused.
Filthy Jew will precede every comment I make to Amused, Holly, ect. I demand the same right to ridicule their heritage as they are clearly allowed to ridicule mine. Is this acceptable?
You fucking ninny, scroll up; I did acknowledge that the term “semen sucking” had been used on the site. What I objected to is your statement that it’s used regularly. The first and last time anybody made reference to Jesus and “semen sucking” was the last time you decided to fake umbrage. And I didn’t jump on any bandwagon. I asked you pointedly, and repeatedly, to define your take on Christianity, how you practice it and what it means to you. Besides, you know, using it as a cover to indulge your anti-semitism.
Are you supposed to be the “…person of faith”?