Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:
[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.
Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.
Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!
But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:
[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …
Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.
Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.
Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.
So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)
Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:
Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.
Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.
But he’s only getting started:
Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.
Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.
Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!
After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”
The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.
Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.
Somehow i’m not surprised that Owly can’t see the difference between a phrase (that i’m not even convinced counts as “ridicule”) and stereotyping a whole group of people.
It is truly hilarious what gets up NWO’s ass and riles him to a froth. It’s so fucking random.
@clairedammit
“Wait, did you just call people hypocrites for not answering you before you had even posted your comment?”
I called you hypocrites because that’s what you are. “Jesus tap-dancing Christ” is a vile slur. This is what Amused said. All of you saw it, it’s not even close to the first time this particular, along with other vile slurs have been used here. It’s quite common and accepted. No one here has ever so much as objected in the least, except for me.
Calling Jesus a mildly silly name: ZOMG YOU HATE GOD.
Totally ignoring (or hilariously rationalizing your way out of) the actual teachings of Jesus re: tolerance, forgiveness, peace: A-OKAY!
Is this going to send Owly over the edge?
Also I think Roissy thinks a schnitzel is a sausage.
Oh man, his Perceived Provider Value just went way down for that fuck-up! He’s going to have to ridicule at least three homeless men to get it back up.
NWO: what about Christ on a crutch? That was after the Tapdancing Incident.
Yeah. Swearing isn’t saying “your religion sucks”. It’s swearing. Talking about how horrible the people of a certain religion are, is, however, in Owly’s case, Anti-Semetic.
And quite frankly, I’d like to think that a Jesus Tap-dancing Christ would be even more awesome than the original JC most people think of. I mean, if it could be proven he tap danced on water, I might just have to become a believer.
Hey guys! NWO remembers the Sabbath and keeps it holy, and doesn’t take the Lord’s name in vain!
Atheist, so I don’t really care for myself. Just saying.
@ShadetheDruid
“Somehow i’m not surprised that Owly can’t see the difference between a phrase (that i’m not even convinced counts as “ridicule”) and stereotyping a whole group of people.”
How about, Jesus Christ, sweet semen sucking savior? That’s been used here quite often as well. Since 100s of million worship Jesus as our savior that is stereotyping a whole group of people. That whole group of people have been stereotyped as worshipping little more than a tap dancing, semen sucking jester.
Very well, when speaking about those of the Jewish faith I will from now on use the term synagogue of satan worshippers.
Let’s not forget, NWO’s Jesus would BEAT THEM IN THE STREET.
Shittiest Christian EVER.
Shoot. nwoslave | July 8, 2012 at 4:35 pm
NWO, you big liar, who here has said “Jesus semen sucking Christ?”
Have all the pearl clutching vapors you want over this, I’ll go out on a limb and guess that even Jesus would think you’re an asshole.
Since we’re on the silly Jesus theme, I think there’s always room for some Raptor Jesus.
Perhaps NWO Slave is a country and western fan.
@Cliff Pervocracy
Ahhhh, a fellow worshipper of the synagogue of satan. Having read bits and pieces of your most holy book I was wondering if it’s true about being revirginized after being hammered as a prepubescent girl?
I wouldn’t worry to much about this conversation continuing. After all, ridiculing my faith is promoted by Dave, which can clearly be seen by everyone jumping on the bandwagon and Dave saying nothing. However, I’ll soon be put on permanent banned list for mocking the vilest faith, most appropriately name the synagogue of satan.
I’ll be continuing to question everyone here futher on the filthy faith which should’ve been eradicated for the shit that it is long ago. Anyone prescribing to this self worshipping atrocity of a ridiculous joke of a faith deserves to be ridiculed.
The last time NWO was on this “holy” tear, some poster wrote “Jesus semen sucking Christ” to prove a point. It has not been used on the site/in the comments with any regularity.
NWO is just, you know, bearing false witness and failing to forgive.
Regular shit.
I can’t help myself. This one has sound effects.
Owly just can’t bring himself to tell the truth about anything. He just wants an excuse to spout more anti-semitic ramblings; any excuse will do.
I was wondering, Dave? Is it really to much to ask that my faith not be ridiculed by the people that reside here? Is that the kind of hate site that you run? Where ridiculing a persons faith is tolerated? Look at how it continues, the gang is reveling in finding sites that ridicule a person faith. Link after link is being provided. Tell me all about how this isn’t a hate site, Dave. And you are more to blame than the rest. Not one word have you said.
It’s so bizzarro-world when NWO pretends to be super offended over something.
WWJD? I’m pretty sure Jesus would be more cool with people calling him silly names than people saying women should be beaten in the street.
You may recall an incident where a crowd was about to beat a woman in the street because of her sexual behavior, and Jesus’s stance on that.
John 7:53-8:11, asshole.
I think I found a Jesus image that would be right up NWO’s alley.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ekDeWRN9dZc/TP8luBbqgzI/AAAAAAAAAN0/kI_BBjf4gi0/s1600/1stum-religous-right-jesus.jpg
@David Futrelle
I’m calling you out on this, Dave. Do you condone the ridiculing of a persons faith?
@David Futrelle
Well, Dave? What’s your answer?
I don’t think God or Jesus exist and Christians are all worshiping a figment of their imaginations. How’s that for ridiculing a whole religion? By the way there’s quite a difference between using silly names for the person people worship and saying that people worship evil incarnate as your synagogue example does. Especially since there’s no history of Christians being persecuted as evil dance lovers and there is a couple thousand years of Jewish persecution and blood libel.
@David Futrelle
I asked you a question, Dave. Do you condone the ridiculing of a persons faith on this site?