Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:
[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.
Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.
Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!
But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:
[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …
Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.
Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.
Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.
So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)
Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:
Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.
Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.
But he’s only getting started:
Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.
Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.
Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!
After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”
The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.
Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.
More horrible metaphors for a man’s arousal involving food:
batter his onion ring
crouton his day-old-bread.
Rockefeller his oyster.
I guess if you were lazy and bad at jokes thats a thing you could fall back on… but I’ve never even actually seen the ‘look at me im so offensive’ hacks make ‘dead kitten jokes’ so maybe youre even dumber than those guys?
Strange, I was under the impression we were mocking it. I mean really, what’s the analyze?
Dead kittens are not funny, asshole. Talk about dead kittens on a first date with me and I will run for the hills. That’s just sick.
i would mostly just be like, ‘why is this weirdo talking about dead kittens, thats super creepy but im just gonna drink more and try not to think about it.’
I don’t dig a little drama and violence. OMG I AM NOT A REAL WOMAN I AM SO ASHAMED
Also, what does it mean to analyze something in a vacuum? Does that mean to discuss something without using trite sayings like “welcome to last Thursday”?
@Paco F.:
“Stop being so sensitive.”
It has nothing to do with sensitivity. It has everything to do with the fact his ideas presented in his article are asinine. Any woman (or man) that would treat such behavior as if it were playful banter or finds hurting other people’s feelings amusing in this manner is the type of person one should try to fucking AVOID not ATTRACT. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together should understand why.
“Dead kittens are funny.”
Only when it’s a Stephen Lynch song.
if a person is beginning a phrase with ‘women dig’ it is usually a reliable indicator that that person does not in fact know very much about women
Try learning about women from an actual woman some time.
I mean, I do dig a little drama and violence, but then I turn the XBox off and I’d prefer a little stability and sensitivity from the real people in my life.
Nope! It’s possible that a really good joke with dead kittens in it could be funny. (Although I would be hesitant to tell it around cat owners, or worse yet former cat owners.) But just yelling “dead kittens!” on its own, isn’t funny at all. It’s cheap, nasty attention-seeking from someone who can’t be arsed to be clever so he’ll settle for “shocking.” You’re supposed to grow out of that shit in ninth grade.
Anyone can string together “POOP HITLER FART DEAD BABIES TERRORISM.” That’s not comedy. It’s just button-pushing. And frankly, with the current glut of “edgy” assholes, it doesn’t even push buttons that well anymore.
Oooh, and look who’s so sensitive he can’t even the slightest disagreement on some blog somewhere. Aren’t you tender when your pwecious homeless-baiting gets attacked. Toughen up!
I think he’s confused arousal with the fight-or-flight response.
Well, I find ‘cortical humour module’ amusing, in the same way that my family and I entered into a discussion on how to fix the ‘central house motor’ during a power outage.
(It’s activated by a pull cord, if anyone’s curious.)
I would actually buy an audiobook of that story if it were read by Gilbert Gottfried.
I think he’s confused women putting up with him (possibly because they’re afraid he’ll turn that assholism on them if challenged, possibly because they just want to get laid tonight and don’t even care if he’s an asshole as long as he’s got a working dick, possibly because they are way nicer and more forgiving than he deserves) with women just looooving him.
I think they’ve confused ‘reacting with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter,’ with ‘reacting with manufactured laughter, often stifling disapproval.’
They seem confused about a lot of things.
“cortical humour module”
Anyone else have an image of a GlaDOS personality core that does nothing but tell Henny Youngman jokes?
devil his eggs
evaporate his milk
grind his sausage
sugar-cure his bone-in ham
bake his Yorkshire pudding
torch his crème brûlée
brown his flaugnarde until the center trembles ever so slightly when touched
crisp his bacon
rise his souffle
butter his buns
frost his flakes
chicken-fry his steak
honey-nut his oats
corn his dogs
rise, then disastrously collapse, his souffle
This > all the things
I bet you that (of all of us) Pecunium is the most likely to have actually made a flaugnarde. And I mean that as a compliment! 🙂
I just snorted and made the my cat stare at me in alarm.
curd his cheese
bake his pie
mince his meat
flambée his goose
flambé his bananas Foster
hash his corned beef
roast, grind, and percolate his beans
Two variations on flambé posted at the same time! Wonder Twin powers, activate!
tenderize his steak
chop his carrot
sautée his veggies
chew his gum