Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:
[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.
Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.
Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!
But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:
[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …
Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.
Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.
Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.
So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)
Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:
Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.
Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.
But he’s only getting started:
Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.
Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.
Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!
After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”
The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.
Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.
This guy can’t be real, right? Tell me this is satire. PLEEEEEEASE.
I’m a mid-30s gal that has ZERO problems finding dates and relationships with quality men. In fact, the last guy I went out with (we’ve been seeing each other for a few months now) after saying, “Yeah, I’m not into the really freaky stuff like blood or pain,” paused and said, “Oh! I didn’t mean to use judging language about that. It’s not for me, but if other people are into it, that’s cool.” (For the record, I’m not into it either, so yay for a sexual compatibility match!)
But the point of that? The “non-judge-y” part of his statement melted my butter. Non-judgmental, open, honest, and confident? YES PLEASE.
If he (or anyone else I date) ever said something like the mean statements above, I would likely never see them again. It is perplexing how he thinks these statements are turn-ons. 🙁
@filetofswedishfish: Tee hee! Yeah, she won’t cause his steak tartare to become engorged with blood if she’s a… Never mind. I don’t even know where to go with that.
I guess everyone pays the stupid tax eventually. Some pay it in the form of 37000 pounds, some pay it by spending their weekends kicking small animals in the hopes it will stimulate nearby women into taking off their pants.
In the writer’s mind this may be how this would go down:
“Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.”
but it would go a hell of a lot different in my world:
“”Him: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Me: [visibly annoyed] What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
Real-world simulation:
1.a. Heartiste tries out routine with bum.
b. Bum fixes eyes steadily on Heartiste, gaze growing more and more compassionate and dewy. Tentatively, bum offers Heartiste a dime.
c. Date of Heartiste tries to flag down a cab without calling attention to herself.
2.a. Heartiste tries out routine with fat chick.
b. Fat chick nails Heartiste with a shrewd look, which grows progressively narrower and sharper as Heartiste’s routine proceeds. With a stifled snort, fat chick offers Heartiste a breath mint.
c. Date of Heartiste tries to flag down a random stranger. She is desperate.
…and so following as circumstances determine…
The list of things that heartiste doesn’t understand is pretty amazing. He certainly doesn’t understand neurology (there is no such thing as a “cortical humor module” you evo-psych addled monkey) and he doesn’t seem to understand how humor itself works either. Also he doesn’t understand how vaginas work either, but I kind of expected that by now.
Dating advice, or excerpts from the trailer of a romantic comedy starring Adam Sandler?
From the comments section of said article:
ThatNorwegianGuy
“Contrary to popular and politically correct belief, sociopathy (in men) is fucking sexy.”
Sociopathy is sexy?! WTF are these idiots on?
Speaking of cruel jokes that kick those who are already down, there’s been a lot of talk recently about how rape is not funny. I agree, but not for reason that the cruelty of rape jokes is aimed at the oppressed rather than at the powerful. The reason rape jokes aren’t funny is that rather than being playful and clever, like a pun, they are dead earnest revenge fantasies. Speaking truth to power isn’t funny, either. Political humor is the denouncement of enemies, which is satisfying to people who share the comedian’s prejudices, but isn’t a joke.
misanthropicmuse– Roissy would probably retell that like this:
She fails to conceal her giggle, and mutters to herself “what the fuck is wrong with you?!?”
Stimulating a woman’s cognitive dissonance cortex in this manner makes her suggestible and pliable. The sexual swearing indicates lowered inhibitions and I start making special plans for later, aware that she is self-lubricating even as she makes a pretence of turning her back to me and walking away (women do this in order to display their buttocks in motion, as a form of seeking approval from alphas.)
Only with worse writing, and genitalia references.
Fictional sociopaths like Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock Holmes. Not Roissy, even if his stories of passing women’s shit tests are fictional.
@alexB:
“(women do this in order to display their buttocks in motion, as a form of seeking approval from alphas.)”
Had to LOL at that part. I knew guys like this in my middle school. They used to try and impress others by bullying and picking on others. This guy has the same mentality and worldview as an obnoxious middle school aged child. His parents must be so proud.
@Scrapemind: “Fictional sociopaths like Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock Holmes”
Now I am speaking as a sapiosexual so perhaps my view is biased and please tell me if what I am saying is nonsensical in some way but wouldn’t it be his vast intellect and the way in which he applies it that would be the draw rather than the sociopathic aspects of his personality? I would really hope so.
You know, except for the sex later part, this is probably exactly how I would have reacted if a stranger approached me at my bus stop with this bullshit when I was a teen (which happened relatively often, actually). Not because I was aroused, by any means, and not because I would have found him funny. No, I would have felt scared and cornered and would try to be as inofensive as possible short of actually encouraging him, so I could get out of the situation without it escalating to something scarier. I would have broke off the conversation with the first excuse I could think of, and then I would go call my mom in tears and ask her to pick me up. Congratulations, Roissy, on teaching grown-ass men how to scare children.
If it happened today, the asshole “jokester” would just get a derisive eyebrow raise — which might be why it doesn’t happen to me much anymore.
I do not mean that in a victim-blaming, if-you-show-weakness-it’s-your-own-fault-if-you-get-preyed-upon way. I mean, a lot of creeps deliberately target younger people because they expect them to be less equipped to deal with it.
also speaking of things that kick those who are already down: scrapemind is here.
I think you’re all analyzing this Heartiste post in a vacuum. Women dig a little drama and violence. Why? I don’t know. Dead kittens are funny. Welcome to Last Thursday. Stop being so sensitive.
David for the win.
I’m speculating this guy also has the view that if a women responds to a man comments with silence she’s a snooty bitch. If she expresses “non-manufactured” disapproval she’s a ball-busting bitch. If she expresses “manufactured” disapproval she’s a lying bitch. Proferring advice on how to put someone in the wrong – can’t think that’s helpful to good relationships.
Lubed eel? Cruelty as a way to achieve sexual arousal? Well, now we know Heartiste probably spent his teenage years jerking off to “Caligula”.
Hence the ever-popular “Every woman over 25 is an old hag” thing. Translation: Every woman over 25 has figured out this shit.
Why so jelly?
Also, how is a penis like a schnitzel? I’m scratching my head here. You take a pork or veal cutlet and pound the shit out of it with a mallet. Then you bread it and fry it. The end product is a thin, flat, formless piece of meat with a crispy crust all around it. If Roissy’s penis even vaguely resembles a schnitzel, I’d say he should get to a doctor RIGHT NOW. Fournier’s gangrene is serious business, kids. That’s what happens when you wear pants that are too tight around the crotch and don’t wash often enough.
Or did he mean “strudel”? Jesus tap-dancing Christ, Roissy’s real-world last name suggests he’s of German ancestry, and yet he can’t even get his basic Teutonic-food-themed penis metaphors right.
Of what?
Cause jam don’t shake like that.