Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:
[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.
Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.
Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!
But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:
[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …
Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.
Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.
Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.
So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)
Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:
Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.
Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.
But he’s only getting started:
Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.
Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.
Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!
After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”
The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.
Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.
Roissy is a hack. I rarely read him. RooshV is more interesting, though equally douchey.
And Roissy writes like a romance novelist. I can almost see the frills coming off the page. Roosh is more straight forward.
Not a carol, but England’s unofficial national anthem is another religious-based piece that hits on a gut level if you grew up with it (the Blake lyrics help, but it’s the music too). With just one person singing it sounds rather boring, but when it’s a big crowd it’s gorgeous.
Yeah, he saw an opportunity to talk shit about Jews and just lost it. It was his lucky day, I guess. What an asshole.
Funny how quick he is come up with this stuff when the chance arrives. It’s almost like it’s in the back of his mind, all the time.
When is somebody going to present the roissy-ite clan with the plethysmograph evidence from a study a few years ago that indicated that women are actually aroused by a wider variety of sexual stimuli than men are (and they get aroused just as quickly)?
Would the cognitive dissonance cause his head to implode, or would the walls of delusion just grow thicker in response?
I’m not a Christian in any way, but I do like Christmas. I’ve been tempted to start calling it Hogswatch.
@NWO
What about me? What about me? (raises hand)
I want to be called a filthy Jewess too! (even though I’m an atheist)
@Cassandra- That was lovely. Thank you.
Apparently I’m on a music/nostalgia roll! Here’s another one that’s an example of how religion and culture are woven together in ways that can be hard to separate in terms of people’s feelings.
For non-Brits, it makes more sense if you know the story behind it. First time I heard it I sat through the first and second verses going “patriotism and military recruiting, blech”, and then it got to the third verse and I was all “…oh”.
“The origin of the lyric is a poem by diplomat Cecil Spring-Rice which he wrote in 1908 whilst posted to the British Embassy in Stockholm. Then called Urbs Dei or The Two Fatherlands, the poem described how a Christian owes his loyalties to both his homeland and the heavenly kingdom. The lyrics were in part based upon the motto of the Spring family, from whom Spring-Rice was descended.[1] The first verse, as originally composed, had an overtly patriotic stance, which typified its pre-first world war era.
In 1912, Spring-Rice was appointed as Ambassador to the United States of America where he influenced the administration of Woodrow Wilson to abandon neutrality and join Britain in the war against Germany. After the Americans entered the war, he was recalled to Britain. Shortly before his departure from the US in January 1918, he re-wrote and renamed Urbs Dei, significantly altering the first verse to concentrate on the huge losses suffered by British soldiers during the intervening years.
The first verse, and the rarely sung second verse, refer to the United Kingdom, and particularly to the sacrifice of those who died during the First World War. The last verse, starting “And there’s another country”, is a reference to heaven. The final line is based on Proverbs 3:17, which reads in the King James Bible, “Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.”
(This is the only hymn that makes my Dad cry. It seems to do that to a lot of stoic older Brits, because of the association with all the people who died in the two World Wars.)
I like Christmas carols, presents, tree, the whole shebang too. We kind of joke about how we always have awesome Christmases even though it’s a whole house full of atheists. (A Christian friend of ours got a lecture from her mother about how she had to be careful because she was going to a godless house, which kind of tickled me, like we were the Den of Corrupters or something).
Hey, one of the most Christmas-loving people I know is a Japanese Buddhist who has no ties to Christianity at all in terms of family or religious affiliation. She still drags me to see Christmas trees and makes me take her picture standing in front of them, and knows all the words to every popular Christmas carol. Admittedly her much more devoutly Buddhist mother finds this rather baffling.
I celibrate Christmas as a purely nonreligious holiday (I know, that’s kind of contradictory). But I love having a tree, and decorating it, hanging the stockings, preparing a feast, and wrapping presents. We just leave out the religious aspects. It works for us.
Christmas is just fun. I think it’s as much a secular holiday as a religious one, and I think it’s important for people who live in wintery places have a big ol’ party in the middle of winter. Most of the traditions that are the most fun are pre-christian anyway.
In my circle of friends, we have several atheists and pagans, some nominal christians, a jew, a buddhist, two muslims, and a sikh. (And me, I haven’t settled on a name for my religion. I don’t know if I want to, because then I’ll feel obliged to come up with a doctrine or something. So far, I’m calling it a new-agey, pagany, quantumish, pantheistic kind of thing.) We all celebrate christmas.
I always find it humorous when someone says that X “always works” and then they ignore all the situations where it absolutely does NOT work, where it only partially works before failing miserably and the situations where they don’t even try because they go all “sour grapes” about it.
So apparently all women are the same, except for all the women who aren’t.
Wow, stop the presses.
Of course it is! I can avoid mentioning them when people don’t bring them up, but the idea that a guy got up again after being dead and didn’t start eating brains is downright ridiculous. That’s right: ridiculous, as in, deserving of ridicule.
You might as well try telling me that homeopathy is an effective form of medicine.
(I’ll believe any and all of these once I find evidence, natch.)
How this would work out IRL…
Him: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at homeless man] Hi, bum!
Homeless guy: What the FUCK did you say to me you skinny little yuppie PUNK?
Her: Shh, stop that. You’ll get us mugged.
Him: Ha, ha, it’s ok honey-hi bum…
Homeless guy: I’m gonna KICK YOUR ASS into the next CENTURY you silver-spoon ASSWIPE, hey fellas – this DOUCHE just called us BUMS!
Homeless guy 2: The FUCK he just say?
Her: (Walking in other direction) I don’t know him, I don’t know him!
Him: Hey babe, where you going…
Homeless guys: Where YOU going PUNK?
Him: Hi..ah, sir…sweetcheeks, where’d you go to? Help….
@ religious discussion-
I respect your right TO your beliefs (as far as they do not affect other, non-consenting individuals). I do not have to RESPECT your beliefs.
There’s a very crucial difference there.
Come on. It’s cool to say “I don’t believe in the resurrection of Jesus.” Neither do I. (Neither, in fact, do a large number of Christians.)
It’s really not cool to get all “LOLOLOL ZOMBIE GOD MAN HAW HAW” about it. That just puts you in “even if you’re right, you’re still a jerk” territory.
You know how we bury people in nice clothing and fancy coffins under pretty flowers even though they can’t tell what’s going on and wouldn’t care if you just threw them in a landfill? If you look at things from a purely cynical standpoint, it’s ridiculous. But it would be a total jerk thing to point that out in so many words at a funeral. You respect the intent of people’s irrational decisions, even if you don’t respect the content, and you realize the impact your mockery would have is out of proportion to the information it would provide.
That’s why I really prefer to say “I don’t believe in Jesus” rather than “Jesus wasn’t real,” and much prefer either of those to “HA HA ZOMBIE JEW.”
im a big fan of ‘jesus motherfucking christ’ but i dont use it on this blog because i know there are believers and shit, so…
Speaking as one of the people you are probably referring to, a) thank you for being considerate, and b) use it whenever the hell you want. I know the difference between an interjection and a deliberate insult.
I love singing religious music (from multiple religions) and as a choir person back in school, we did all manner of songs from Psalms to holiday music. It never bothered me, even though I am not a religious person and identify as atheist (and, for some weird reason, I always have since childhood even though I grew up going to Sunday school and stuff). For me, mythology is fascinating, and I like to see what it tells us about humanity rather than try and argue whether or not it actually exists FOR REALZ. For me, what is important is what it MEANS and how it affects people’s lives, not necessarily the beliefs themselves. That is generally why I tend to be very respectful of other people who practice their beliefs as long as said beliefs do not overstep the bodily integrity or legal rights of others.
Maybe I’m a weirdo atheist for that, but I like to think that there is no reason I can’t enjoy ritual and mythos unless I am a True Believer (TM).
That’s why I really prefer to say “I don’t believe in Jesus” rather than “Jesus wasn’t real,” and much prefer either of those to “HA HA ZOMBIE JEW.”
I appreciate this so much. That’s why I don’t hang out at other feminist blogs, ever: Because, even if religion isn’t a topic of the blog at all, every one of them has someone who’s going to be like “Those stupid Christians think that when they die they’ll go swim in a river of yogurt with the invisible sky-daddy!”
And then, when you point out “Um, it would be nice if you didn’t mock my beliefs,” they’ll actually double down and say “Well, that’s what you think, isn’t it?” (Yes, this is a real conversation I’ve had. At Slacktivist. A goddamn Christian blog.)
So yeah, I’m just going to get all mushy and say that I’ve never actually seen religious tolerance play out anywhere as well as it does here.
NWO — “Well, what can one expect from the decendants of the very people who decided to crucify him for their amusement?” … Romans? For the sake of history, try getting that one right.
katz — “river of yogurt”?! o.O?
So Slavey is sticking with the “Jesus wasn’t Jewish because something, I don’t know, thinking about this makes my little anti-semitic head hurt” option, huh?
A river of yogurt sounds SO delicious right now.
I think I’d actually prefer soaking in eternal chocolate rain….without the side of chaos.