Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:
[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.
Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.
Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!
But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:
[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …
Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.
Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.
Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.
So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)
Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:
Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.
Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.
But he’s only getting started:
Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.
Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.
Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!
After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”
The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.
Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.
I just copy and past the address of the youtube page and it embeds itself.
Hmm, I tried that earlier, maybe I’ll just try the embed link and see if that works, I’ll just try to find a semi-relevant video to use.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYMj1vxsehY&w=560&h=315%5D
Ok, let’s see if this works.
Crisse d’osti de tabarnak.
http://youtu.be/TYMj1vxsehY?hd=1
HUZZAH, Shortlinking it is then.
aworldanonymous: Hail Eris! And her blessed Son on earth, Norton I, Emperor of America and Protector of Mexico!
@KathleenB
I am a noob at discordianism and not completely familiar with the lore.
If only because I have trouble reading scanned books off of a screen and haven’t managed to find a hard copy of the principia yet.
Hail Eris and Her chosen Saint Stephen Colbert!
@ Unimaginative
It’s funny, that song made me think about how much religion is tied up with culture. I’m a lifelong atheist, but my family are Episcopalian, Presbyterian, and Catholic, so that song makes me think of family gatherings, my granny humming in the kitchen as she cooked, and all kinds of other warm fuzzy memories. It’s one of the reasons that even though I am an atheist I hate aggressively negative commentary on religious rituals, because for a lot of people those rituals are tied up with a bunch of positive stuff that doesn’t actually have much to do with religion at all. There are a lot of cultures where you just can’t cleanly separate the two aspects.
@ CassandraSays
I’m with you. I went through a militant atheist phase, but it got very tiring, and then I felt the presence of gods. So I’m a theist, but I don’t believe that god is a person, and I don’t believe in the personification of good and evil. And I certainly don’t believe that if you just figure out the right secret code of behaviour, you get saved. (Jew! No, Christian! Okay, Christian, but only this denomination! No, no, Hindu! etc.)
My non-religious uncle died a few years ago, and we had a get-together to bury his remains and remember him, but it was specifically non-religious and mostly involved telling stories about his life and crying.
A month later, the young son of one of my co-workers was killed in a car accident, and we all went to his Catholic funeral to support her.
Even though a lot of the sermon sounded like a commercial for joining up with the church, I found the whole thing very comforting, and it gave me some closure over my uncle’s death.
In short, I agree. There’s a social and cultural aspect of religion that you can’t logic away, even if the religion itself has the same spiritual impact on you as a fairy tale.
aworldanonymous: Joshua Norton was a trader in San Francisco in the late 1840s. He schemed to corner the rice market in the city, managed to buy everything up… And a steamer full of rice pulled into the bay. He was ruined. After losing a lawsuit related to the rice, he disappeared. As as far as anyone can tell, he let his mind off the hook for while. He returned declaring himself Emperor of America and Protector of Mexico, and issued decrees ordered that bridge be built , and even printed his own money. That shopkeepers gladly accepted. He is considered a saint or possibly an avatar of Eris herself among some Erisians.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emperor_Norton
I’m an agnostic, the way I see it there’s no real way to prove that any gods exist or that any gods don’t, and I’d rather focus on my life the way I want to pursue it rather than debate whether god exists or not, and what god it is specifically.
I found the ritual aspect of my mother’s funeral very comforting in its familiarity, even though I’m not a theist at all. I sometimes miss singing Christmas carols too, and feel like it’s a shame that only the silliest ones rather than the beautiful ones (which are mostly more overtly religious) are part of my life now since it’s the silly jingles that you hear in stores, on the radio, etc.
My favorite Christmas carol, which I enjoyed singing as part of a choir even in my militantly atheist teenage years.
That’s lovely.
I was trying to find a song I heard years ago about a bunch of former Christians turned Buddhist who missed gospel music. I couldn’t find it, but this is good too.
Hey, nwoslave? I consider myself a Christian. In fact, I’m seriously starting to believe that God has called me to be a feminist and help combat the kyriarchy.
Most of what you post here is ridiculously disrespectful of my spiritual beliefs, let alone the spiritual beliefs of people here who don’t identify as Christians. They’re not persecuting you for your faith, they’re just laughing at your blatant hypocrisy.
Jesus freaking Christ on a pogo stick.
I’m surprised he hasn’t come up with an “oh so well thought out” retort to this onslaught of mockery yet. What’s the matter owly, can’t formulate a simple argument?
Psh, you Discordians. Bunch of hippie pansies.
“Bob” beats the crap out of Eris mofos. Time to join the winning team!
PRAISE “BOB”!!!!!
@Molly moon- As a fellow part-Jew, I’d like to welcome with you with open arms to filthy Jew-dom. The weather’s fine here; we have eggnog and latkes and Manishevitz!
On a more serious note, I am, as I said, a part-Jew, with a Jewish dad and a mom who was raised Presbyterian. I’m also a future rabbi (starting rabbinical school at the beginning of September. Whee!) I have the unique blessing of being surrounded in my blood and chosen family by atheists, secular Jews, religious Christians, a minister’s daughter, someone who half-believes in the Fey, and a Jew by culture and family who is currently Wiccan (Cliff I wish you could meet her; I think you’d get along). And OWLY, your hateful ignorant bullshit offends every last one of my relatives and myself. The world is full of so much grace and beauty, and it has been my experience that worship with humility and a keen sense of justice can add immeasurably to one’s brief time on this planet. God wants us to live together with humor, love, and understanding. It is entirely possible to do so, no matter what religion (or lack therof) you are. And while you think that you are attacking the evil dirty Jews, I think you are doing the most damage to your fellow Christians, who actually follow Christ’s example in devotion and humility.
And so, since I am not yet clergy and my religion does not necessarily believe in turning the other cheek, FUCK YOU.
I’m actually a Discordian Pastafarian SubGenius, because I can be.
And it’s no more or less contradictory than many other religious texts out there.
… on a lighter note, I’m glad to see that I am not the only non-Christian on here with a serious familial/ cultural based love of Christmas carols. Oh Mendelssohn, you are brilliant.
Fucking Roissy…. thanks for making posts about him David. This guy is big with internet toolbags, but I don’t feel like wading in the septic tank he calls a blog.
Wow, Fartiste sucks at sadism too. Sadism is about drawing out suffering, not killing. I can only conclude that he’s a necrophile.
Something like “The biting whip of sadism” or “The nipple-twisting needle-nose pliers of sadism” would have worked better. This isn’t rocket science.
Making fun of the homeless huh — at least he’s not actually “shivving” them like Patrick Bateman, who is obviously this creep’s role model.
Wow, I went out with a few friends for drinks, and look at what I missed! Strangely enough, before this I never considered tap dancing a slur; I thought it was a talent.
That was a pretty serious meltdown for Owly.