Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:
[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.
Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.
Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!
But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:
[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …
Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.
Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.
Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.
So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)
Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:
Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!
Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.
Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.
But he’s only getting started:
Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.
Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.
Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!
After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”
The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.
Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.
Lubed eel…? What the.. how… what…
Please excuse me while I go bleach my brain. I will return with more coherent comments at a later date.
” A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long.”
Wait…that’s not how biology works…
I’unno, Gottfried’s reading is at least funny.
Gottfried’s reading is indeed hilarious. It reminds me of a fannish slumber party night where we had a competition involving reading the worst slash you could find in the funniest way possible. Dobby/Sorting Hat is all I have to say.
Ooh yeah baby, I love it when you embarrass me by taking your inferiority complex out on innocent strangers by insulting them to their faces. It shows me just what kind of man you are.
Aren’t eels kind of limp?
So … be cruel towards the disadvantaged elements of society and She’ll Basically Have To?
Who takes dating advice from Heartiste seriously? Please raise your hands so I can remember to avoid you in the future.
Okay, I weathered NWO’s talk about his Little Sovereign plenty well, but now I need brain bleach.
Aw yeah… that’s the real stuff there….
Now I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat unagi again. Thanks, Heartiste!
Difficult to know what to make of this guy in all honesty I mean this is objectively bad advise anyone with even an iota of common sense and understanding of how normal human social interaction works can see that, but he plays it so straight that one has to assume he means it.
It’s like he comes from an alternative universe where the kinds of things that normally get a drink thrown in your face or a swift kick in the nads is the stuff that causes women’s panties to spontaneously evaporate. It even goes beyond PUA because at least some of the more reputable ones advise that you conduct yourself with a modicum of decency and self respect. This guy pretty much comes out and says what women really love is a socially maladjusted, lunatic who makes awful jokes.
My only other explanation is that he has come to truly despise the people who read his blog and is going out of his way to ensure they stay lonely and miserable.
At this point I’m not even shocked anymore just deeply confused.
Do you think this guy is pranking his followers? This isn’t dating advice, it’s “how to be immortalised in a Worst Date Ever story” advice.
“cortical humor module”
That’s not a real thing.
De-lurking to say:
I hate people who think being an asshole is funny, but I’m even more amused by his proof that women like it:
That’s right, dude. Girls acting awkward to your dumb jokes is proof that they’re aroused by them, not that they’re politely not telling you how offensive it is…
He must not have evolved a strong ‘knowledge of neurophysiology module’.
I think Marc pretty much typed everything I would have typed.
I’m not even a dating scene expert, and I know Heartiste’s “advice” is…outlandish, to say the least.
“like a lubed eel”
How does he know about my fetish?!? Damn him! Heartiste knows all things!
Seriously, eel? Has he ever seen an eel? Does he know anything about eels other than that they’re long, skinny fish that you can use to make a dong joke about?
Anyway, this sort of confirms my theory that men who think women aren’t funny are simply men with an underdeveloped, pre-pubescent idea of what “funny” means. They are incapable of understanding any joke or comedy routine that doesn’t involve someone slipping on a (real or metaphorical) banana peel, and all their jokes are the sort of thing that inspires either embarrassed eye-contact-avoidance in listeners at the very least, and mostly consist of what people with a full component of brain cells call just plain “insults” that in previous eras would have gotten the joker nothing but a face full of someone’s fist.
In short, men who think women aren’t funny are the sort of guys who gather together to defend “comedians” who make rape jokes. QED.
This seems to be a common theme in PUAdom, that all negativity from women is a front, due to some combination of “shit-testing” and the inability of her weak lady-brain to fight off society’s messages about the reaction she’s supposed to have.
LOLOLOLOL!! I would pay many dollars to see him map that module
Seems to me that PUA is all a front, itself, what with the whole “I really want to have sex but I’m going to pretend to be judgmental about women in hopes that one of them will go Challenge Accepted and I’ll get laid” thing, or the whole “go so far in pretending to be a painter that you actually become a painter long enough to get into the pants of someone you’re probably going to split up with in short order” thing.
So if PUA is a front, why would they not see the world through the lens of “everybody’s fronting”?
Yeah, what Marc said. It’s like he’s spoofing himself…except maybe this is his underhanded way of confessing how miserable he is.
Unless he’s from Bizarro Land, where everything there has the opposite meaning of everything here…..I believe Evil Spock is from there.
“Lubed eel?” I… well… Roissy, the thing is, eel are already slimy and they are kinda limp.
If he really thinks lubed eel, his sex life must be comedy gold.
Am I the only one noticing a trend here? Yeah, I left out the positive quotes, but seriously. It’s like Heartiste can’t tell the difference between “being aroused by cruelty” and “putting up with cruelty at the moment because she’s convinced you aren’t a complete asshole and forgetting about it during sexy times.”
roissy’s whole worldview is based on the assumption that because he is dumb and shalllow, everyone must be dumb and shallow
“… won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.”
To go further with the poorly made penis euphemisms: He’s aware that Schnitzel is pork loin hammered thin with a mallet before it is breaded and deep-fried in boiling, boiling oil, yes?And he chose *SCHNITZEL* over the tons of other kinds of sausage in German food culture?
Shorter douchebag: All men are exactly the same. All women are exactly the same. SCIENCE.
Yep. I almost left Fiancee over the terrible-joke/offended-face/laughs-harder combo. His response? “Oh, I thought you were just saying that.”. No.
Sure, sometimes I smile when I say “That’s terrible”, but only so it doesn’t turn into “Cate always overreacts”