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Heartiste: Funny like a clown

Heartiste: A sad clown

Always hilarious: painfully unfunny dudes explaining how women just aren’t funny. Over on Chateau Heartiste, the Heartiste formerly known as Roissy drops some (pseudo) SCIENCE on us all:

[C] hicks dig male status, dominance and personality as much as, or more than, they dig male looks. Men, on the other hand, dig beauty first and foremost, and a woman’s comedic timing, however it might make a man laugh, won’t stir his schnitzel if she’s a dog.

Since women don’t see a benefit from humor in the competition to attract men, their sex, on average when compared to men, has not evolved a strong cortical humor module. Women are better equipped to appreciate humor than they are to produce humor.

Apparently, if you use the same words that scientists use – like “cortical” and “module” – that makes it true!

But there is more to this Old Misogynist’s Tale. As Heartiste explains, it’s cruel humor that women appreciate most of all — in their lady regions. In other words, chicks like dicks:

[W]omen become sexually aroused by men who expertly wield the soulkilling shiv of sadism. …

Cruelty that is delivered with supreme confidence, bemused detachment, and eviscerating precision is catnip to women’s kitties.

Get it? Kitties = pussies = VAGINAS.

Ba-dump-tssh! Heartiste is on a roll.

So let’s see some examples of the sort of masterfully eviscerating humor that makes the ladies weak in their knees and gets their “kitties” excited. (Note: By kitties I am, like Heartiste, referring to vaginas. Exciting a woman’s actual kitties is better done with shiny objects and mouse-shaped toys.)

Anyway, here are some of Heartiste’s examples of cruel humor at its most exquisite, which he has helpfully rendered in dialogue form:

Me: Sweetcheeks, look. That bum just winked at you. He wants to take you back to his cardboard box. [waving at bum] Hi, bum!

Her: [struggling to conceal a grin] Shh, stop that. Stop waving. You’re horrible.

Truly, bum-mockery at its finest.

But he’s only getting started:

Me: You want to take a bus? Forget it. [nodding in direction of obese woman] She ate it.

Her: [looking heavenward] Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.

Aw yeah. Suggesting that a fat person has just eaten something comically large: comedy gold!

After some further jests on the topics of male boobs (hmm), the size of black men’s cocks, and raping the disabled (yes, really), our hero is in like Flynn, well on his way to all-caps “TRIUMPHAL SEX.”

The way it will usually go down is like this: You revel in your cruelty. She reacts with manufactured disapproval, often stifling laughter. Her vagina moistens. A wave of hidden shame releases a continuous flow of blood to her vaginal walls, maintaining her in a semi-aroused state all day long. Later that night, the floodgates open and you slip in like a lubed eel.

Yipes. That is about as erotic as Gilbert Gottfried reading from 50 Shades of Grey.

I’m pretty sure the only reason Heartiste can maintain his belief that women can’t do cruel humor themselves is that he’s never heard what they say about him once he leaves the room.

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Nanasha
Nanasha
8 years ago

@Falconer- my grandmother was Catholic, but more in the “we’ll live the tree up until Epiphany” than “go to mass and spout scripture” sort of Catholic.

Every night before we went to bed, we’d always recite a very simple prayer together.

“May all the little angels in heaven watch over you and keep you and love you forever and ever amen.”

Even though I am not a religious person, this has always given me comfort. 🙂

Sharculese
8 years ago

when my family lost a child to sids my dads parents sent us a clay sculpture of a small hand gripping a larger hard with a prominent scar through the palm. that was pretty creepy although at that point i dont think my dad had yet told them he was an atheist

Sharculese
8 years ago

if david ‘promotes ridiculing’ owly’s faith’ (by allowing those things to be posted) then doesnt he also ‘promote’ the beating of teenage girls by allowing owlslave to keep posting about that?

pecunium
pecunium
8 years ago

Unimaginative: Thanks for that bit of dancing jesus. 🙂 though I first learned it as a paganish tune, with the references being all to other religions; which was a sort of pantheistic mess.

KathleenB The Emperor Norton may have been a real saint. He was an iconic figure, and SF took him to heart. He, somewhat famously, stopped a race riot by sitting in the street between the whites who wanted to attack the Chinese and reciting “The Lord’s Prayer”.

He’s still well thought of in SF, and known up and down the state (there was a brand of chex-mixey snack which was, “Norton’s” and featured him on the package, when I was in high school, in Los Angeles).

Cassandra: If you like carols (I love them; music so potent an evocative force for me), you should go to Dickens. Not only are there carols, in and about, they are not going to have the one’s you hear on the radio; because they aren’t period. There is a sing along (with a very good choir, doing Gaudete with them is incredible) but the “ring out” at the end of the day is a huge chorus of the performers lining the way and singing carols.

It brings me almost to tears to take part (I work Dickens, when I can).

So too did your clip of, “I vow to thee my country”. The uniforms, and the poppies… shit I’m a mess right now, Christmas Carols and Remembrance Day (and Emperor Norton) Such a wonderful antidote to NWOs bullshit.

pecunium
pecunium
8 years ago

Sharculese:

@pecunium/argenti

i obviously meant ‘converse’ in a colloquial sense and i swear if yall go all debate team logic wank on me…

I can’t speak to Argenti, but I’m perfectly willing to be colloquial in a conversation where I think the interlocutor is acting in good faith.

when my family lost a child to sids my dads parents sent us a clay sculpture of a small hand gripping a larger hard with a prominent scar through the palm. that was pretty creepy although at that point i dont think my dad had yet told them he was an atheist

That’s some fucked up shit.

If someone sent me that, I’d lose it. I’m not kidding. I’d be fuming. I’d dare not speak to them for I don’t know how long.

“God’s works in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform”. Ok. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Doesn’t mean it’s not hard, and painful, and telling someone their grief is all part of some master plan… not fucking on.

That’s someone trying to salve their own pain, but it’s so full of fail. A classic case of good intent, bad action.

Hershele Ostropoler
8 years ago

This thread jumped from page 1 to page 5 overnight, mostly on the strength of a certain commenter’s Manufactured Outrage Of The Day. Amazing.

(TBH, it might bother me a bit if I didn’t know he was going to get bored with it in a few days.)

Cliff:

possibly because they just want to get laid tonight and don’t even care if he’s an asshole as long as he’s got a working dick,

Of couse, he and his ilk don’t believe women ever want sex for its own sake, so obviously anyone who fucks him must love him.

That they never speak to him again just means he’s too intense for them to handle.

Cliff:

Y’know, some people look 20 because they ARE 20 and that still doesn’t mean they want sex with literally anyone who can see them.

If you use his definition of “having sex” as “of women, being found sexually arousing by a man” this sentence is literally meaningless, though.

I should point out it’s not the usual definition, or indeed really anyone’s definition but his.

Cliff:

You know how we bury people in nice clothing and fancy coffins under pretty flowers even though they can’t tell what’s going on and wouldn’t care if you just threw them in a landfill? If you look at things from a purely cynical standpoint, it’s ridiculous.

I want my corpse cut up for parts and the rest tossed into the woods (I certainly don’t want it gently deposited in an area of arable land set aside for the exclusive use of dead bodies).

When the time comes, obviously. I hope in 50 or 60 years (or whenever) we’ll be a bit more sensible about not wasting biomass, because I’m an atheist but I quite like Sadhimism.

pecunium:

The Talmud isn’t the defining book of the Jewish faith, that would be the Torah, though the Tanakh is close (in that it has the Torah, and the Prophets… what you would call the Old Testament).

The Tanakh isn’t really the Old Testament. The parts are in a different order and I think there are slight differences in which books are deemed canonical (not to mention the objections believing Jews would raise to the label “Old Testament”).

op. cit.:

bearer of false-witness who misses the entire point of every biblical story he brings up.

Also, every other story he brings up.

darksidecat
8 years ago

There are a ton of people who use religion as an excuse to be jerks. I get uncomfortable when people go viciously after the “religion” part instead of the “jerk” part.

There’s no way to separate this in actual arguments, telling them you don’t hold to their religious views and refuse to entertain them as an excuse is seen as an attack on religion and makes the argument about religion again. Not to mention that teaching hate isn’t incidental to a lot of religious groups, it’s part of the central tenants or mainline practices, and often is implied or necessitated by other sections of the religious doctrine. Also, unless you are willing to play ridiculous nonsensical theological apologism word games, arguing with someone who uses their religion as reason to hate basically requires you to attack their premises in regards to religion. Not to even get into that religion isn’t “just another belief system”, it encourages irrational excuse making by its very structure.

Existing as an atheist and refusing to take part in Christian religious stuff or allow Christianity excused hate against you is more than enough to get you branded evil or a jerk

Christians can call for death, denial of rights, and/or oppression of large swaths of humanity by the millions and yet if an atheist says “Christianity is bullshit”, it’s the latter being a “jerk”? The double standards here are fucking massive.

pecunium
pecunium
8 years ago

Hershele: I didn’t say the Tanakh was the OT, I said he’d call it that, The OT isn’t even the OT, as the RC, the Anglicans, the Othodox, all have different books, and different order.

It’s a comparative term for a related set of canonic texts, all of which were collated at about the same time (though subsequent schism has caused the various differences in what is/isn’t canonic in the Christian realm).

Sharculese
8 years ago

Existing as an atheist and refusing to take part in Christian religious stuff or allow Christianity excused hate against you is more than enough to get you branded evil or a jerk

i agree with you, here, i but in my experience if you explain it to them a good number of christians can be made to understand how petty they are on this point and the rest were always gonna take offence anyway.

pecunium
pecunium
8 years ago

Ah… I see that someone did use a phrase like that… three times. So I was wrong about it not being used (I’m not going to hide behind, “those weren’t his exact words). But it’s not been used “all the time” and not by more than one person.

So still false witness.

Cliff Pervocracy
8 years ago

Christians can call for death, denial of rights, and/or oppression of large swaths of humanity by the millions and yet if an atheist says “Christianity is bullshit”, it’s the latter being a “jerk”? The double standards here are fucking massive.

The death and oppression come from a belief in God the same way that racism comes from having low melanin. It’s the behavior of the group that’s the problem, not the thing that defines the group.

However I think I’m going to just go ahead and say This Is Not The Hill I Will Die On, and admit that lots of atheists have very good reasons to be angry.

Ithiliana
8 years ago

The emails that have been sent to me in regard to the university Safe Spaces program I am working on establishing that tell me I am going to hell are always very politely worded (i.e. no swear words–a number don’t even use the actual word “hell” but euphemisms like, “if you continue on the path you’re on, you will burn for all eternity”).

So, yeah, Christians complaining about mean atheists strikes me as perfect examples of the “tone argument” (not saying all atheists are a marginalized/oppressed group–especially those who are privileged along a number of identity axes–but atheists in the US are a minority group).

Vaguely animistic pagan, raised in lukewarm Presbyterianism as a child, fondest memories of church involve choir because I had a huge crush on the minister’s wife who taught the children’s choir, happy sigh.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

@ Pecunium

It really is a lovely song, isn’t it? I love a lot of religious music on a musical level, especially the singing as part of a group aspect. What is “Dickens”? Sounds like some sort of festival?

Reading some of the comments here makes me think that maybe my lack of antipathy towards religious rituals has a lot to do with the specific rituals I grew up with. At my mother’s funeral, for example, her faith or lack thereof wasn’t even mentioned, the minister just talked about people who die moving on to a happy afterlife, with the implication that this is something that happens for all good people regardless of their belief in God, which religious group they belong to, etc. Also, the church that I grew up around is the one that focuses on Lord of the Dance and similarly positive, non-judgy hymns. I was forced to go to church in high school (by the school), and the one I chose was a pleasant place to be with a warm friendly atmosphere* (it was Episcopalian). The sermons were more “hippie Jesus loves all the cute little animals, and you too” and less “believe or burn in hell”. Public expressions of religion in the UK when I was growing up tended to be apolitical and lean more towards the Jerusalem/I Vow To Thee My Country model of community bonding and focus on spirituality as a source of comfort, and less towards the fire and brimstone model.

Part of my Dad’s family is Presbyterian, and I didn’t care for the church they attended at all, or for the High Anglican one that my best friend attended (because the former felt angry, like a less sexist version of NWO’s version of Christianity, and the latter felt cold). Part of my Mum’s family is Catholic, and I liked their church, and their priest. I think a lot of how this stuff hits people on an emotional level (comforting or alienating) is determined by their early experiences with religion, and how positive/negative they were, even if you totally take out the theist/atheist issue.

* The minister who ran the church I went to in my teens was one of the loveliest people I’ve ever known. The first time I ever saw Desmond Tutu speak, that’s who he reminded me of. I went back to visit the town where I went to high school a few years after graduating and went to see him, just to say hi, and he greeted me with a hug and lots of questions about how I was doing and generally a lot of warmth and kindness, even though he had known since he first met me that I was an atheist and unlikely to ever convert (and even though I showed up with purple hair and facial piercings). He was wonderful to all the young people who attended his church, and he’s probably a big part of why some religious rituals feel comforting rather than alienating to me.

ShadetheDruid
ShadetheDruid
8 years ago

I think a lot of how this stuff hits people on an emotional level (comforting or alienating) is determined by their early experiences with religion, and how positive/negative they were, even if you totally take out the theist/atheist issue. – CassandraSays

Yeah, that’s definitely been my personal experience and a part of why i’m an atheist (the rest being it not making sense to me on a conceptual level, and that’s the alienating part for me, rather than the emotional aspect which just evokes apathy more than anything). My experience as a kid was basically the tedium and depressiveness of funeral after funeral with a few weddings spread in between (which I found boring, but at least they weren’t sad), and getting no emotional value from hymns, rituals or the words of the religious leaders. I was bored easily too.

Contrast that with, say, the Lord of the Rings theme, as something that has emotional effect for me (however odd that might be 😛 ).

MollyRen (@MollyRen)
8 years ago

Welp, I’m never inviting Hershele or 2-Man to a funeral. XD

Rutee Katreya
8 years ago

[quote]The death and oppression come from a belief in God the same way that racism comes from having low melanin. It’s the behavior of the group that’s the problem, not the thing that defines the group.[/quote]
In that both are used as self justification? I mean, you missed the point entirely but that’s not the strongest defense.

Dracula
Dracula
8 years ago

Contrast that with, say, the Lord of the Rings theme, as something that has emotional effect for me (however odd that might be 😛 ).

Hey, I can’t listen to the Legend of Zelda on violin without tearing up.

Dracula
Dracula
8 years ago

*Legend of Zelda theme*

Hershele Ostropoler
8 years ago

Molly, I try not to tsk about the waste of biomass out loud at the actual service.

Myoo
Myoo
8 years ago

@Dracula
Legend of Zelda theme on a violin, you say?

Amused
8 years ago

NWO: “European culture”? Are you serious? You have nothing to do with European culture, and you know nothing of it. You do not know, nor are you capable of understanding, European art, music, literature or poetry. The Nazi’s — of whom you are an ideological heir — were enemies of culture. You and “culture” don’t belong in the same sentence.

Are you familiar with the cultural cornerstones of the Western civilization? That’s not semi-illiterate Stormfront ravings I’m talking about. Have you read the Iliad and the Odyssey, Plato, Aristotle or Thucydides? Of course you haven’t, because you are a raging vulgarian, a cartoonish yokel who’d rather gnaw his legs off than read a decent book. You won’t listen to the opera because (I’m guessing), you think it’s “gay”, and you won’t read the Greeks because they are too dark-skinned for you. Plus, every writer ever (except of Mein Kampf and Stormfront bullshit) was a seekrit Joo, which is why you dismissed Cirano de Bergerac — which naturally, you’ve never read nor heard of from your fellow pedestrians — as “filthy Jewish propaganda”.

So what is “European culture” to you, anyway? You follow an Eastern religion which centers on worshiping a Jew (whom you have repeatedly called filthy — congratulations!). You espouse the absolute worst of human nature, and I suppose that’s what you call “culture”. You are an EMBARRASSMENT to Europe, if anything.

And why should I care if you call me a “filthy Jew” or accuse me of executing Jesus for amusement?* It isn’t anything that you weren’t saying or believing before. So I really don’t see how that even qualifies as retaliation.

Also, I know breath is wasted on you, but still: How do you think Jesus feels about you using him as a pretext to lash out? In general, give some more analysis to what might or might not offend Jesus. Because right now, it sounds like you are putting way too much meth in your malmsey. Waxing romantic about raping five-year-old girls for wearing bikinis on a beach? Perfectly compatible with being a good Christian, Jesus smiles from heaven. Calling Jesus “tap-dancing”? Oh, nooo, crime against humanity!
=========================

Speaking, theoretically, of executing someone for amusement, crucifixion sounds pretty boring to me. Sure, it’s drawn-out an’ all, but from spectators’ point of view, it isn’t really that exciting. In fact, given that it takes many hours, and sometimes even days, you baking in the Middle-Eastern sun all that time seems like torture for the audience. Now, stoning is a different matter. At least you get to participate.

Dracula
Dracula
8 years ago

That’s what I was thinkin’ of.

There’s also this nice string quartet version.

VoIP
VoIP
8 years ago

I kind of wish they would leave the babby alone to make up hir own mind later, but what can I do about that?

how is babby’s conscience formed
how girl get religious

scrapemind
8 years ago

Cyrano de Bergerac may be degenerate art, but the Legend of Zelda theme is far from it. I declare its composer, Koji Kondo, to be an honorary Aryan!

Unimaginative
Unimaginative
8 years ago

Cyrano de Bergerac may be degenerate art, but the Legend of Zelda theme is far from it. I declare its composer, Koji Kondo, to be an honorary Aryan!

Wut? Not a gamer here, so maybe I’m missing something, but Aryan? Like, Aryan Nations? This person is an honorary white person? O_o

scrapemind
8 years ago

Wut? Not a gamer here, so maybe I’m missing something, but Aryan? Like, Aryan Nations? This person is an honorary white person? O_o

Thanks for giving me a reaction. The phrases “degenerate art” and “honorary Aryan” were used by the Nazis, whose attacks on culture were recently mentioned by Amused. I was playing with the Nazi’s inconsistency in determining what is degenerate.

Unimaginative
Unimaginative
8 years ago

What the fuck was that? You’re playing PUA gas lighting games in a thread on a blog where PUAs are clearly not welcome? Fuck you, dickweasel. Go play with Nazis somewhere else.

scrapemind
8 years ago

OK. I will go.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Anyone else starting to think that scrapemind may be an old friend of ours?

Tulgey Logger
Tulgey Logger
8 years ago

how is babby’s conscience formed
how girl get religious

I am glad I was not drinking something when I read this.

cloudiah
8 years ago

“Anyone else starting to think that scrapemind may be an old friend of ours?”

Oh gadzooks.

Unimaginative
Unimaginative
8 years ago

Ugh. I just clicked on Scrapemind’s name, and it took me to his Twitter. Gross. Don’t go there, it’s full of douchiness.

Dracula
Dracula
8 years ago

Anyone else starting to think that scrapemind may be an old friend of ours?

Well I am now.

VoIP
VoIP
8 years ago

Eurosabra? He’s a fascist, but he’s not a racist.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

VoIP — Mr. Al

And yeah, I rally wouldn’t be surprised.

pecunium
pecunium
8 years ago

I don’t think it’s Mr. Al, it’s too restrained. It’s sort of like Simon or Marc, but still, it’s semi-subtle. He wants to play, “let’s you and them fight”. Mostly we aren’t biting. I’m not seeing anything at all productive to engage.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

Pecunium — my only experience with Mr. Al was being told that redditers are misogynists because they’re misanthropes (I’m trying to summarize it to something that makes sense, obviously) — he was incredibly boring, but pretty restrained. And you must’ve missed where I challenged scrapemind to guess my gender and he dug up my deviant art — dude’s hit my creep-dar in other words.

2-D Man
2-D Man
8 years ago

I dunno, I find “the practices of conservative Christian organizations are holding back advancement and causing widespread suffering in this country” a whole lot more persuasive than “but zombies aren’t real!”

I would respond, but it doesn’t seem very important right now. Although now that I think about it….
Nononono! Must stop the internet argument, even if I think I’m totally right and you’re totally wrong!

Ithiliana
8 years ago

OT: but zombies!

Mira Grant’s NEWSFLESH trilogy (FEED, DEADLINE, BLACKOUT) is fantastic.

And I don’t read zombie novels

(Don’t have the third, but am now re-reading the first two which I just bought Thursday).

I never saw the “Jesus is a zombie” thing until I started reading over at FTB. It’s….yeah, I don’t see it as a convincing argument, but then it probably wasn’t intended to be.

darksidecat
8 years ago

I for one don’t mind going on zombie related derails.

Any other manga fans out there reading “I Am A Hero” by Hanazawa Kengo? (Minor *Spoilers* in what follows) While a bit slow in the lead up (the slow lead up does contribute to later character building/scenes, but idk it made me a bit frustrated with anticipation), it’s an absolutely brilliant look at the zombie genre (and just absolutely stunning in terms of artistic quality). It’s really a zombie genre fans’ zombie manga, and it manages to be self aware to a large degree without that element of “self reflective for its own sake and the sake of being pompous” quality. It can be compelling horror in some places and absolutely hilarious in others. Also, I like that the protagonist seems to have a mental illness and yet the story isn’t all about his mental illness and it’s not really depicted as making him more violent or anything like that.

pecunium
pecunium
8 years ago

Ithliana: And that one finally broke the top 25 of the NYT bestseller lists. I don’t know if Seannan is ever going to tuckerise me. If she does, well it will be interesting to see how I die.

On the other hand, I’ve not gotten around to reading any of her books.

On the gripping hand, she’s up for four Hugos this year.

S2c
S2c
8 years ago

Wow, looking at this comment thread, you are all a bunch of immature douches. I was actually hoping to see a debate on the blog posting I read, not your bullshit.

I was going to point out that the assertion “chicks dig male status” was not in the least addressed. In my experience it is true.

In fact, there is nothing in this blog that actually attempts to counter anything that the offending author has said go re-read it.

cloudiah
8 years ago

S2c, you make an extremely cogent argument and raise some salient points. (You had me at “you are all a bunch of immature douches.”) You have truly lubed my eel, and stirred my schnitzel. It must be your status that I find so attractive. I hope you’ll stop by again to Rockefeller our oysters, butter our buns, and brown our flaugnarde until the center trembles ever so slightly when touched.

Argenti Aertheri
Argenti Aertheri
8 years ago

S2c — maybe if you didn’t pick a thread with 300+ comments the current topic would make more sense? I mean, did you actually read all the comments before deciding “chicks dig male status” was not addressed? (And did Ruby say it? Because we’ve done that one to death with her)

And why, oh why, do people come here just to say they’re disappointed? Did anyone fucking ask you? Go find some other corner of the internet, there are plenty other blogs you could be reading.

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