So the other day – on the day colloquially known as “April Fools Day” – a Redditor using a throwaway account posted a most unlikely story to the Men’s Rights subreddit. Under the self-explanatory headline “My girlfriend just tried to steal a used condom to impregnate herself and is now threatening to call the police on me. PLEASE Help!” the newly minted Redditor ineedhelpnow1234 told his tale of woe.
Earlier in the day, he wrote, he and his girlfriend
had sex and I got up to go the bathroom and throw the condom out and then went back to bed. She got dressed and also went to the bathroom. I could see when she stepped out that she had something in her hand. I asked her what it was and she started yelling how she had the used condom and she was “finally going to get the baby I deserve” and then started running for [the] door.
Apparently that’s how women talk in MRA-land.
And then ineedhelpnow1234 added a rather important detail he somehow neglected to include in the headline:
I freaked out and ran after her and caught her at the door. My mind was racing, and she was about to get out. I panicked and hit her in the stomach and then took the condom forcibly from her hands.
Emphasis mine. He continued:
I’m not proud of what I did, but I was FREAKED out in the moment and she was about to escape and I just did what I thought I needed to do.
She caught her breath and left and now she’s been calling (I haven’t answered) and texting me saying she’s going to call the police and have me arrested unless I have sex with her without a condom.
Later, she allegedly left him this alleged voicemail message:
You fucking bastard, how dare you punch me for what I’m entitled to! Call me the minute you get this god damn message or I’ll call the fucking police and end your future. CALL MEEEE
Naturally, there were more than a few readers who looked at this tale – filled with credibility-straining details that seemed tailor-made to arouse MRA indignation — with a skeptical eye, and called “troll” on the whole thing. But quite a few of the locals took the story seriously, and offered serious advice.
Some simply repeated the standard dude advice “don’t stick your dick in crazy” and others, with a little more imagination, suggested that in the future he carry around hot sauce to squirt into his used condoms lest another lass try the same dastardly sperm-stealing trick.
But quite a few of the advice-givers recommended that he simply lie about his assault, and pretend it never happened. DisRuptive1 thought that simple denial would be enough to get him off the hook:
HateAllThePeople suggested that he go on the offensive:
NotC – presumably also not a lawyer – suggested that the impending threat of spermjack-blackmail would allow him to get a pass on the whole punching-her-in-the-stomach thing. But that he should lie about the incident that never took place anyway, wink wink.
Others offered their heartfelt support:
And suggested that they would have done the same thing:
One commenter had the temerity to suggest it was a tad hypocritical for all these Men’s Rightsers to suggest that a man lie to protect himself. But that commenter was quickly shot down.
Luciansolaris was one of the few who suggested the OP fess up to the assault – and defend it in court both as a logical and justifiable reaction to the situation, and as a case of temporary insanity.
I may have missed it, but I don’t think there was a single comment suggesting that, even under the circumstances, punching a girl in the stomach so hard it leaves a bruise was a terrible thing for this probably fictitious spermjackee to do.
A most revealing discussion, Men’s Rightsers.
EDITED TO ADD: ineedhelpnow1234 has returned to r/mensrights to tell everyone that 1) he’s not a troll and that 2) he was arrested. Make of it what you will.
Hi, Miaminice. I used to be addicted to a drug. Am I likely to become a murderer?
My boyfriend is currently addicted to a drug. Is he likely to become a murderer?
My brother is also currently addicted to a drug. Is he likely to become a murderer?
Does it change things if I mention that the drugs in question were Xanax (taken exactly as prescribed), nicotine, and caffeine, respectively? And if so, why? After all, you said, “If you know anything about addiction, (no matter the “excuse”), you would know it causes brain damage – which in turn causes behaviors that are abnormal by any standard.” So please, tell me about the “abnormal by any standard” behaviors the Xanax, nicotine, and caffeine have caused. I mean, I’ve been helping my partner work on quitting, anyway, but I definitely want to know if he’s out there mass-murdering in the meantime!
“I drank fairly heavily pretty much every day my senior year of college. I guess I’m five years overdue for becoming a serial killer.”
That’s a stupid statement, and a complete misunderstanding of what I am putting forward. So are you defending your own addiction?
Miaminice, “behavior issues” are not necessarily “brain damage.”
Well, she does say that DNA tests are an anti-feminist application of science. And being a woman using the word feminism, naturally that makes her representative of feminism, because women who aren’t don’t use the word, and no one ever misuses words. The stuff about paternity uncertainty being the only thing women had going for them must therefore be part of feminism because of the author’s use of the word feminist elsewhere in the piece.
I…I’m sorry. I am trying to cram my brain into Antsy’s headspace, but it’s really not working.
@Miaminice
I did read the links you gave, and they suffer from the same problem. That article that you linked to about addiction and terrorism has no citations and references no studies. Also, you can’t look at people living in a society where alcohol and drugs are a part of the culture, and then point to their substance abuse as an exceptional defining trait. And bad behaviour is to mass murder and terrorism as cat calling is to rape. They both exist on the same continuum but are no where near each other. Further, substance abuse is most often correlated with erratic, illogical behaviour (which Doug Thorburn acknowledges). His linking substance abuse to the kind of premeditation, planning and execution that most of the mass murderers that he talks about is so circular it’s hysterical:
Stalin, dahmer, Gacy and Joe McCarthy were all alcoholics, therefore alcoholism can cause people to commit premeditated criminal acts, therefore Stalin etc’s actions were linked to their alcoholism.
Oh, the irony.
Also, guys, I’m actually a prince from Nigeria and I need help moving my fortune into the US. All I need is 2500 dollars and you can make millions. Who wants to help?
What in hells do you mean by “defending your own addiction,” Miaminice?
@Viscaria: Clearly people with addictions are evil and bad and they should hate themselves for it.
lauralot, have you become trapped in 1995? If so, I have a list of hilarious high school test answers for you.
Miaminice is about to meet the 13th step, which is GTFO.
Between “brain damage” and “defending your addiction,” they have provided the biggest load of horseshit I’m liable to read today.
@katz: Oh, I’m not trapped. I invented a time machine! I just can’t show it to anyone because the feminists won’t let me.
“Hi, Miaminice. I used to be addicted to a drug. Am I likely to become a murderer?”
I’ve had addicts in my family and none have killed anyone so far. They have created havoc in their own unique ways, however. Addicts tend to do that. They’re not a lot of fun to live with.
BTW, most felons are male, and the majority have substance abuse issues. So is there something wrong with being male (radical feminists have put this idea forward)? Or something about substance abuse that caused them to get jail time (my opinion based on research)? Or is it the female dominated culture that we live in that creates more male felons (which would be the MRA stance)?
Trolls I Did Not Expect On Manboobz, Part A Zillion: Carrie Nation.
Except Nation at least had the grace to attack bars, instead of going after addicts and telling them what damaged dangerous people they are.
These are your ONLY THREE OPTIONS. Nothing else can explain or contribute to crime stats!
I repeat, what in hells do you mean by “defending your own addiction,” Miaminice? I’m inclined to believe Lauralot’s interpretation, but I’d rather hear it from you.
I can’t read all the comments now, but I want to let you know that I invented void, copyrights and patents, all three of them being protected by copyrights, patents and very hungry dogs.
You can keep your electrons, protons and neutrons, I own the void between them.
I also invented ideas, Gods (all of them), and heat.
That’s nice. Could you maybe address the rest of my post beyond the first sentence? Those other sentences were actually not just decorative.
Miaminice, “behavior issues” are not necessarily “brain damage.”
Brain damage causes behavior issues. Did I say ALL?
You made a blanket statement. Own your shit.
That’s a stupid statement, and a complete misunderstanding of what I am putting forward. I’ll reiterate what LBT said, correlation does not equal causation.
“That’s nice. Could you maybe address the rest of my post beyond the first sentence? Those other sentences were actually not just decorative.”
No but they’re not all that bright either.
Why don’t you go to the sites I posted, they might have an answer for you.
“BTW, most felons are male, and the majority have substance abuse issues. So is there something wrong with being male (radical feminists have put this idea forward)? Or something about substance abuse that caused them to get jail time (my opinion based on research)? Or is it the female dominated culture that we live in that creates more male felons (which would be the MRA stance)?”
Um… I choose Option 4.
Option 4, unfortunately, is a big mix of poverty, the War On Drugs, a culture that glamorizes many forms of violence, plain old bad personal choices, and a lot more things more complicated than “a certain sector of humanity is fundamentally broken so let’s all hate them.”
Translated Miaminice: MY ARGUMENTS ARE SUCH BULLSHIT THAT I CAN’T EVEN OWN THEM. CLICK THESE LINKS!
Option 4, unfortunately, is a big mix of poverty, the War On Drugs, a culture that glamorizes many forms of violence, plain old bad personal choices, and a lot more things more complicated than “a certain sector of humanity is fundamentally broken so let’s all hate them.”
Then we should all be felons, because we’ve all been affected by most of these issues.
A lot of addictions DON’T cause brain damage, anyway, unless you consider the addiction itself to be damage.