So the other day – on the day colloquially known as “April Fools Day” – a Redditor using a throwaway account posted a most unlikely story to the Men’s Rights subreddit. Under the self-explanatory headline “My girlfriend just tried to steal a used condom to impregnate herself and is now threatening to call the police on me. PLEASE Help!” the newly minted Redditor ineedhelpnow1234 told his tale of woe.
Earlier in the day, he wrote, he and his girlfriend
had sex and I got up to go the bathroom and throw the condom out and then went back to bed. She got dressed and also went to the bathroom. I could see when she stepped out that she had something in her hand. I asked her what it was and she started yelling how she had the used condom and she was “finally going to get the baby I deserve” and then started running for [the] door.
Apparently that’s how women talk in MRA-land.
And then ineedhelpnow1234 added a rather important detail he somehow neglected to include in the headline:
I freaked out and ran after her and caught her at the door. My mind was racing, and she was about to get out. I panicked and hit her in the stomach and then took the condom forcibly from her hands.
Emphasis mine. He continued:
I’m not proud of what I did, but I was FREAKED out in the moment and she was about to escape and I just did what I thought I needed to do.
She caught her breath and left and now she’s been calling (I haven’t answered) and texting me saying she’s going to call the police and have me arrested unless I have sex with her without a condom.
Later, she allegedly left him this alleged voicemail message:
You fucking bastard, how dare you punch me for what I’m entitled to! Call me the minute you get this god damn message or I’ll call the fucking police and end your future. CALL MEEEE
Naturally, there were more than a few readers who looked at this tale – filled with credibility-straining details that seemed tailor-made to arouse MRA indignation — with a skeptical eye, and called “troll” on the whole thing. But quite a few of the locals took the story seriously, and offered serious advice.
Some simply repeated the standard dude advice “don’t stick your dick in crazy” and others, with a little more imagination, suggested that in the future he carry around hot sauce to squirt into his used condoms lest another lass try the same dastardly sperm-stealing trick.
But quite a few of the advice-givers recommended that he simply lie about his assault, and pretend it never happened. DisRuptive1 thought that simple denial would be enough to get him off the hook:
HateAllThePeople suggested that he go on the offensive:
NotC – presumably also not a lawyer – suggested that the impending threat of spermjack-blackmail would allow him to get a pass on the whole punching-her-in-the-stomach thing. But that he should lie about the incident that never took place anyway, wink wink.
Others offered their heartfelt support:
And suggested that they would have done the same thing:
One commenter had the temerity to suggest it was a tad hypocritical for all these Men’s Rightsers to suggest that a man lie to protect himself. But that commenter was quickly shot down.
Luciansolaris was one of the few who suggested the OP fess up to the assault – and defend it in court both as a logical and justifiable reaction to the situation, and as a case of temporary insanity.
I may have missed it, but I don’t think there was a single comment suggesting that, even under the circumstances, punching a girl in the stomach so hard it leaves a bruise was a terrible thing for this probably fictitious spermjackee to do.
A most revealing discussion, Men’s Rightsers.
EDITED TO ADD: ineedhelpnow1234 has returned to r/mensrights to tell everyone that 1) he’s not a troll and that 2) he was arrested. Make of it what you will.
The fuck? Every time? Citation need for that there blanket statement.
RE: Miaminice
Correlation is not causation.
And it still doesn’t excuse their egregious behavior.
RE: Hellkell
Of course! That’s why Bela Lugosi was a serial killer! He sucked women’s blood and dressed funny and everything!
Uh, addiction does mess with the body’s chemistry, which can definitely include the brain, but it isn’t really what we typically call ‘brain damage’.
@Rogan
This needs to be stamped on billboards!
@Miaminice
Do you have any actual evidence beyond “this sounds plausible”?
Antz, above I’ve given you not one but two links to a promising form of male birth control that is reversible, and that isn’t being opposed by either currently living feminists or the ZOMBIE BETTY FRIEDAN. The fact that you’ve ignored them kind of confirms for me that your internet activity is more about attacking feminists than it is about fighting for men’s rights. Did you sign the petition? Did you sign up for the mailing list?
Shadow, the only way to resolve this dispute is by doing this:
Which I invented.
I got pretty drunk once and my friends had to literally carry me to a taxi so I guess if I ever kill anyone I’ll be proving miaminice’s pet theory true.
Or it’s weird, irrelevant, murder-excusing alcoholic-ostracizing bullshit that zie can vaugely support because almost everyone’s drank at some point in their lives.
(damn phone keyboard)
Maybe AntZ thinks that feminists are all pharmaceutical researchers, so that’s why he blames us for there not being a male pill. Sorry, AntZ, I am not a medical researcher so I have no way of making a male pill. If I were a medical researcher, I would be more concerned with creating a vaccine for MRSA.
It’s sort of funny that AntZ has been trying to convince a bunch of feminists who support male birth control that feminists oppose male birth control.
Shit, he better HOPE he doesn’t win.
I’m sorry, this is just funny.
It’s an acceptable risk to many men therefore the refusal to approve it is some kind of feminist plot. Or something.
If permanent sterility is acceptable to you, why not get a vasectomy?
“@Miaminice
Do you have any actual evidence beyond “this sounds plausible”?”
Did I say “this sounds plausible?” Where?
“Actual evidence”? Any researcher on addiction will tell you the same.
Did you not go to the sites I mentioned? Are we going to argue all day based on what you don’t know or don’t want to investigate? Read something. Read James Milam. Read Thorburn’s books on alcoholism. Go to the Amen Clinic site. That’s enough for citations. If you want to believe that alcohol / drugs do not cause behavior issues, then I cannot convince you further. Don’t expect me to do your reading for you.
LOL, good point!
AntZ, what is your agenda here? If you want to tell us there should be a male pill, then you’re already preaching to the choir. I have a feeling you only want to annoy feminists, though, so now you’ll move on to another MRA talking point.
I copyrighted copyrighting. Every copyright holder is in violation of my copyright.
“I got pretty drunk once and my friends had to literally carry me to a taxi so I guess if I ever kill anyone I’ll be proving miaminice’s pet theory true.”
Well, unless that happens on a regular basis (does it?) along with some other habitual symptoms, I would not say it’s enough to label you a substance abuser. You probably did kill a few brain cells in the process. It happens.
Then source it, because I’ve never once heard of this “alcoholism causes mass murder” nonsense. Books are all well and good, but they’re not medical research.
@Kendra –
“AntZ, what is your agenda here? If you want to tell us there should be a male pill, then you’re already preaching to the choir. I have a feeling you only want to annoy feminists, though, so now you’ll move on to another MRA talking point.”
If he ever gets truly convinced that feminists are in favor of male BC, THAT TOO will be seen as a plot to control men’s sperm. Can’t really win here…
i totally missed it, where in that article was feminism, feminist theory, or feminist opposition to a male birth control pill mentioned? The only thing I got from it was that the author was in favour of not requiring paternity tests in every case so as to ?? I dunno… not rock the boat? They aren’t a great writer, ’cause the point got lost somewhere along the way…
Also I was totally going to invent laziness, but it sounded like too much work so I gave up and had a nap instead.
I drank fairly heavily pretty much every day my senior year of college. I guess I’m five years overdue for becoming a serial killer.
Every man loves taking medicines for a temporary benefit and then later having to go get checked out to see if it has had permanent effects! Gambling with life decisions is just part of being entesticled, and if you can’t understand that you’re probably a misandroust or something.
So my sister’s best friend’s older brother’s girlfriend’s cousin’s stepdad once knew this guy who knew this guy who kept getting drunk and then he went on a tri-state killing spree.
Also, I’m raising charity money for this little boy who was born without a body. He has a burlap sack full of leaves instead, and it’s awful because he’s allergic to burlap. Who wants to donate?
Then source it, because I’ve never once heard of this “alcoholism causes mass murder” nonsense. Books are all well and good, but they’re not medical research.”
I’ve already sourced it. I mentioned James Milam. I mentioned Thorburn, who sources Milam and many others.I figure it’s up to you to read it.
http://www.lakesidemilam.com/DrMilamPositionPapers.htm
Go argue with Milam.
I’m kind of fascinated now with this new form of male birth control that I invented. (Er, I mean, that I found on the Internet.)
Here’s how it can be reversed:
Doesn’t that second method of reversal sound sort of fun? Antz, Y U NO LIKE RISUG?