So the other day – on the day colloquially known as “April Fools Day” – a Redditor using a throwaway account posted a most unlikely story to the Men’s Rights subreddit. Under the self-explanatory headline “My girlfriend just tried to steal a used condom to impregnate herself and is now threatening to call the police on me. PLEASE Help!” the newly minted Redditor ineedhelpnow1234 told his tale of woe.
Earlier in the day, he wrote, he and his girlfriend
had sex and I got up to go the bathroom and throw the condom out and then went back to bed. She got dressed and also went to the bathroom. I could see when she stepped out that she had something in her hand. I asked her what it was and she started yelling how she had the used condom and she was “finally going to get the baby I deserve” and then started running for [the] door.
Apparently that’s how women talk in MRA-land.
And then ineedhelpnow1234 added a rather important detail he somehow neglected to include in the headline:
I freaked out and ran after her and caught her at the door. My mind was racing, and she was about to get out. I panicked and hit her in the stomach and then took the condom forcibly from her hands.
Emphasis mine. He continued:
I’m not proud of what I did, but I was FREAKED out in the moment and she was about to escape and I just did what I thought I needed to do.
She caught her breath and left and now she’s been calling (I haven’t answered) and texting me saying she’s going to call the police and have me arrested unless I have sex with her without a condom.
Later, she allegedly left him this alleged voicemail message:
You fucking bastard, how dare you punch me for what I’m entitled to! Call me the minute you get this god damn message or I’ll call the fucking police and end your future. CALL MEEEE
Naturally, there were more than a few readers who looked at this tale – filled with credibility-straining details that seemed tailor-made to arouse MRA indignation — with a skeptical eye, and called “troll” on the whole thing. But quite a few of the locals took the story seriously, and offered serious advice.
Some simply repeated the standard dude advice “don’t stick your dick in crazy” and others, with a little more imagination, suggested that in the future he carry around hot sauce to squirt into his used condoms lest another lass try the same dastardly sperm-stealing trick.
But quite a few of the advice-givers recommended that he simply lie about his assault, and pretend it never happened. DisRuptive1 thought that simple denial would be enough to get him off the hook:
HateAllThePeople suggested that he go on the offensive:
NotC – presumably also not a lawyer – suggested that the impending threat of spermjack-blackmail would allow him to get a pass on the whole punching-her-in-the-stomach thing. But that he should lie about the incident that never took place anyway, wink wink.
Others offered their heartfelt support:
And suggested that they would have done the same thing:
One commenter had the temerity to suggest it was a tad hypocritical for all these Men’s Rightsers to suggest that a man lie to protect himself. But that commenter was quickly shot down.
Luciansolaris was one of the few who suggested the OP fess up to the assault – and defend it in court both as a logical and justifiable reaction to the situation, and as a case of temporary insanity.
I may have missed it, but I don’t think there was a single comment suggesting that, even under the circumstances, punching a girl in the stomach so hard it leaves a bruise was a terrible thing for this probably fictitious spermjackee to do.
A most revealing discussion, Men’s Rightsers.
EDITED TO ADD: ineedhelpnow1234 has returned to r/mensrights to tell everyone that 1) he’s not a troll and that 2) he was arrested. Make of it what you will.
AntZ: the answers are not jokes.
How’s the FOREIGN BRIDE, Zarat? I bet you’re just counting down the days until her VR replacement.
Maybe AntZ is going to go to r/mensrights to tell everyone who took the story seriously that they are irrelevant bigots XD
Yes dear-we are irrelevant bigots who laugh at obviously silly fake stories.
back to the topic at hand:
Generally assault/battery is a misdemeanor in my state which means he would not get a PD in AZ. Even assault/battery related to DV. Only if the state is going to seek jail time would he get a PD. In what state is DV assault/battery a jailable offense? *leaps to Google*
Yes, Anthony. Those are the people you are defending in attacking this piece.
Life’s a “butch,” neh?
I realize that this is asking about the number of hairs in an invisible unicorn’s mane, but: what do these guys figure the girlfriend’s motivation was?
If it’s child support, then she’s really not thinking things through, because the amount of child support you’re going to get out of a 21-year-old student, compared to the amount a baby costs to raise? Not profitable.
But if it’s just that she wants a baby, why steal the sperm? There’s lots of guys out there, legit and less so, who will sell you sperm for cheap or even just give it to you. It’s not a rare commodity.
And if she wants to have a baby and have someone help her support it, why not hold out for someone who wants to be a father? MRAs can’t say they don’t exist, because what about all those beleaguered fathers having their custody evilly stolen from them? They wanted to be fathers!
I’m not seeing a good reason for someone to steal sperm from an unwilling guy here. Much less steal it while yelling “MWA HA HA GOT YOUR SPERM!” (If she hadn’t done that she could 1: try again if the first condomful didn’t take and 2: claim it was an accident. But apparently she’s not just a spermjacker, she’s a bridge-burning spermjacker.)
Princess Bonbon, faster than a speeding rumour, more powerful than a false rape accusation accuser and can leap tall stories in a single bound
Each MRM poster either belived it, or not. Even a feminist can understand this.
For those who did not believe: the response was also part of the April Fool’s joke.
For those who did blieve: do you, feminists, recognize that this man had no legal recourse? What could he do, to prevent 18 years of indentured servitude? Even in the case of S.A. (eg a boy attacked by his teacher, who becomes pregnant), the male has no legal rights, and must reward his attacker with a lifetime of financial rewards for the assault. What do you say to a 13 year old boy who owes the woman who assaulted him a crippling 18 year ransom?
You are wasting your time. Men and boys will fight for equal protection under the law, and we will win. Your reactionary sexism will not prevail. And when we win, the names of the enemies of equality will be recorded as such. We will make sure that your names are recorded in history, alongside the proponents of slavery and the advocats of Jim Crow. People who are just like you.
And your form of sexism will prevail, Zarat? Don’t you have another site to wank all over, or is this the only place that will put up with you?
“I realize that this is asking about the number of hairs in an invisible unicorn’s mane, but: what do these guys figure the girlfriend’s motivation was?”
What? It is an APRIL FOOLS JOKE!!!
What is the motivation behind the millions of women who actually do things similar to this? Control. Power. Money. Mostly control.
This is how Betty Friedan explained it (in the context of opposing male birth control):
” .. do you think we fought our whole lives to have in our hands the decision of having children or not? Do you think we are abdication that?”
Every statement is a tautology, except those that aren’t tautological. I’m not sure if an MRA can understand this.
Mmm hmm. The guys telling him to lie to the cops and saying they’d do the same? Hilarious pranksters, every one of ’em.
Ha ha, I like how you go from “no one seriously supported this” to seriously supporting it.
Also, having no legal recourse doesn’t mean “start hitting people.” I got a ticket for making a legal maneuver and the traffic judge said pay it–that sucked, but I didn’t punch the judge. That was neither morally justified nor something that would help.
You have equal protection. You’re trying to make it unequal.
Or do you think it should be legal to punch a man in the stomach if in your judgement he did something naughty enough?
When she’s a single mother whose child support payments (if she gets any, that’s not a given) don’t remotely cover the kid’s costs, how much control power money control do you figure that’s good for?
Or do you just figure women are so dumb we’re trying to steal your money and power but aren’t any damn good at it?
Funny how the only Google hit on that phrase (and with the same typo too!) is an unsourced Yahoo Answers troll.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120401152103AAc8AKU
Oh man, that Yahoo Answers troll is really priceless actually:
It’s written like misogyny fanfiction.
(I always trust doctors who claim to have invented medications entirely on their own but had all their research suppressed by an evil conspiracy so they can’t show you. Good honest folks, always.)
What’s the legal recourse when the opposite happens, I wonder?
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/15/health/research/15pregnant.html
Wait, don’t tell me, all those dudes are in jail for life and their lying girlfriends were LYING obvs because, control. Also, ladybrainz.
I see. Becoming a single mother is the ultimate get rich quick scheme. The guy from the story was a young college student so he wouldn’t be ordered to pay much child support, if any. It costs a lot of money to actually raise children. Yet somehow the mom is going to gain POWER and MONEY by getting pregnant. What a crock.
Regardless of what Betty Friedan may have said (with no citation to prove she said that about male birth control), most feminists think a male pill would be a great idea. Don’t blame feminists that pharmaceutical companies haven’t made one. It’s up to men to prove to them that there is a market for it so they’ll be motivated to produce it. I also think it’s ridiculous that MRA’s also emphasize that the male pill can’t be hormonal, making their demands even harder to meet.
Kendra – The only source I found for that quote was (as posted above) a hilarious screed from some doctor (or “doctor”) claiming he invented a male birth control pill but the evil feminists suppressed it.
It’s clearly invented, and it’s invented with such careful and convincing writing that I expected it to end in: “The radio said “No, Betty. You are the demons” And then Betty Friedan was a zombie.”
It’s because of feminists…
why men are in the army
why dinosaurs don’t exist anymore
why Obama is in office
why there isn’t a male pill
why there will soon be a nuclear holocaust
why I was fired by my misandrist boss
A la, the MRM.
Bigot.
I am very glad I put down my glass of water before reading this, because otherwise I’m pretty sure I would be out a keyboard.
re: That Betty Friedan “quote”
Not like it really needs to be said, but I just checked for that in Google Scholar and a few other licensed databases. It is entirely made up.
Antz, in the interest of preserving even one shred of credibility, provide a reputable citation or withdraw that claim. And then go back to your FOREIGN BRIDE, you IRRELEVANT BIGOT.
“It’s clearly invented ..”
See for yourselves:
If you need a translation, I am happy to help. I speak portuguese.
RE: Antz
Your movement is irrelevant. You told me that yourself.
Seriously, go do some useful with your time. Macrame or something.
Now, if you pardon me, I’m going to go to the milk machines where cis men are enslaved to be constantly juiced of sperm so that I can impregnate myself and rob them of child support, all while a horde of non-cis-men stand around, point, and laugh and wear Andrea Dworkin T-shirts.
(Disclaimer: these places don’t actually exist and that’s a good thing.)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/03/male-birth-control-reversible_n_1400708.html
Unless those are all men pretending to be women, it really seems like a lot of women are pretty stoked at the idea of a type of male depo.
Or I guess they could be lying about their excitement, hoping it fails and they can get pregnant to steal all men’s money, but that seems just about as likely as someone actually getting pregnant from stealing someone’s cold, dead sperm out of the trash. In other words, possible, but not terribly likely. It’s sperm, not some sort of genetically enhanced super virus.
RE: Anthony
Sure. And I speak Esperanto. Seriously, dude, with all the lies and bullshit you have spewed, you expect us to BELIEVE you?
Okay, now where’s a manboobzer that really DOES speak Portuguese? C’mon, we’ve got Finnish folks, there’s GOTTA be a Brazilian or Portuguese person in the (entirely digital) house…