So the other day – on the day colloquially known as “April Fools Day” – a Redditor using a throwaway account posted a most unlikely story to the Men’s Rights subreddit. Under the self-explanatory headline “My girlfriend just tried to steal a used condom to impregnate herself and is now threatening to call the police on me. PLEASE Help!” the newly minted Redditor ineedhelpnow1234 told his tale of woe.
Earlier in the day, he wrote, he and his girlfriend
had sex and I got up to go the bathroom and throw the condom out and then went back to bed. She got dressed and also went to the bathroom. I could see when she stepped out that she had something in her hand. I asked her what it was and she started yelling how she had the used condom and she was “finally going to get the baby I deserve” and then started running for [the] door.
Apparently that’s how women talk in MRA-land.
And then ineedhelpnow1234 added a rather important detail he somehow neglected to include in the headline:
I freaked out and ran after her and caught her at the door. My mind was racing, and she was about to get out. I panicked and hit her in the stomach and then took the condom forcibly from her hands.
Emphasis mine. He continued:
I’m not proud of what I did, but I was FREAKED out in the moment and she was about to escape and I just did what I thought I needed to do.
She caught her breath and left and now she’s been calling (I haven’t answered) and texting me saying she’s going to call the police and have me arrested unless I have sex with her without a condom.
Later, she allegedly left him this alleged voicemail message:
You fucking bastard, how dare you punch me for what I’m entitled to! Call me the minute you get this god damn message or I’ll call the fucking police and end your future. CALL MEEEE
Naturally, there were more than a few readers who looked at this tale – filled with credibility-straining details that seemed tailor-made to arouse MRA indignation — with a skeptical eye, and called “troll” on the whole thing. But quite a few of the locals took the story seriously, and offered serious advice.
Some simply repeated the standard dude advice “don’t stick your dick in crazy” and others, with a little more imagination, suggested that in the future he carry around hot sauce to squirt into his used condoms lest another lass try the same dastardly sperm-stealing trick.
But quite a few of the advice-givers recommended that he simply lie about his assault, and pretend it never happened. DisRuptive1 thought that simple denial would be enough to get him off the hook:
HateAllThePeople suggested that he go on the offensive:
NotC – presumably also not a lawyer – suggested that the impending threat of spermjack-blackmail would allow him to get a pass on the whole punching-her-in-the-stomach thing. But that he should lie about the incident that never took place anyway, wink wink.
Others offered their heartfelt support:
And suggested that they would have done the same thing:
One commenter had the temerity to suggest it was a tad hypocritical for all these Men’s Rightsers to suggest that a man lie to protect himself. But that commenter was quickly shot down.
Luciansolaris was one of the few who suggested the OP fess up to the assault – and defend it in court both as a logical and justifiable reaction to the situation, and as a case of temporary insanity.
I may have missed it, but I don’t think there was a single comment suggesting that, even under the circumstances, punching a girl in the stomach so hard it leaves a bruise was a terrible thing for this probably fictitious spermjackee to do.
A most revealing discussion, Men’s Rightsers.
EDITED TO ADD: ineedhelpnow1234 has returned to r/mensrights to tell everyone that 1) he’s not a troll and that 2) he was arrested. Make of it what you will.
You know what the really sad thing is? “Don’t stick your dick in crazy”* is not terrible advice. Too bad it has to come coupled to such viciousness.
* Or the less ablist and gender non-specific version, “Don’t have sex with someone you’re not compatible with”
What are the odds of someone getting pregnant from one cold condomful? He (if he existed) probably had very little to lose by just letting her run off with the condom.
Also it freaks me out how the MRAs are all in “you gotta beat this false accusation” mode, even though the poster SAYS he really did hit her.
The way in which MRAs understand the concept “false accusations” is rather interesting.
“I’m curious as to what a man would have to say that he did to a woman to get negative reactions on that forum. Disembowel her and eat her entrails?”
No. They would have told him fresh entrails taste better with hot sauce.
Er, if she really wanted to impregnate herself (for argument’s sake, I’m pretending this story isn’t bullshit), why didn’t she just do so while she was in the bathroom? That way she could throw it back in the trash and he wouldn’t know till it was too late. Not that the sperm would likely still be viable at that point anyway, but as Holly mentioned, they’d be even less likely to be viable after she ran away with them. MRA logicfail.
I have to say, if I were his lawyer, my advice would be “don’t say anything to the police without me present, except ‘I’m not talking to you without my lawyer.’ Also, talk to your partners before you sleep with them, and if you are not confident that you are both on the same page when it comes to pregnancy and/or babies, schedule a hot date with your hand instead.”
But then, I’m a purveyor of the radical feminist man-oppression agenda, so what do I know?
(Also, hot sauce? Does that actually kill sperm, or does it just make putting the contents of the condom near any mucous membranes suuuuper unpleasant?)
The notion of spermjacking women was a not-infrequent feature on the Tom Leykis Show when I listened to it, years ago. Leykis would repeatedly admonish his listeners to carry spermicide, tabasco sauce, soap, etc., with them in order to render the contents of their used condoms both unusable by and dangerous–or at least painful– to the allegedly prevalent rogue spermjackers. I remember one time a caller phoned in with a story about a spermjacker who attempted to use a, uhm, sample he had treated in such a way who subsequently sued him for whatever it did to her. He won the suit, according to his story, which was rich with details like “as I was walking away from her place, I heard her scream” that make me doubt its authenticity now. The stuff about being “enslaved for 18 years” is very redolent of Leykis, and in my view is a misogynistic fetish much like the inordinate focus on false rape accusations.
Dani: Definitely the later (from very unpleasant and unintentional personal experience) but considering the acidity of most hot sauces it probably could kill sperm too.
How many women actually go out of their way to sacrifice their education, career, health, body, and life to get pregnant from some guy? How many women actually try to steal a used condom to impregnate themselves? Not many, I’d imagine.
“hot sauce? Does that actually kill sperm, or does it just make putting the contents of the condom near any mucous membranes suuuuper unpleasant?”
I’m not sure how this would work, if the intention is to hurt his GF.
If he’s using a transparent condom, It would make it look like he had some terrible dick disease that was causing burning hot red fluid to ejaculate. I doubt if anyone would use that to impregnate themselves. More than likely, they’d be calling the local nurse hotline and / or the GYN to find out if they’ve been infected.
Maybe he has red condoms that would make it harder to tell what’s in them. You can still smell the hot sauce, in any case.
@ Arielle
It’s all part of the same fundamental misunderstanding of how most women think. They think that women are in a constant state of conspiring against them, therefore it makes sense to them that women would be out to steal their sperm. What I can’t figure out is how they reconcile that with the relative prevalence of abortion, which many of them also seem to be opposed to, so it’s not like they’re not aware that it happens.
I guess they think that women are out to either get pregnant or have an abortion, whichever is most unpalatable to the men around them.
Awh, how cute! Derek still thinks that’s real!
Just. Adorable.
Wait: “don’t butch?” Don’t BUTCH, that’s seriously a thing that these people say?
I mean, it’s like number 303 on the Cavalcade of Goofy-Horrifying Absurdity here, but yow.
Clearly the best option for these MRA men worried about sperm theft is to just get into the habit of swallowing the contents of their used condoms when they go to the bathroom after sex. Imagine the look on her face when she goes to steal it and finds nothing but your spit leftover. Checkmate, liability-juice thieves!
Why can’t they just pour the sperm down the sink? Pour, rinse the condom, throw it in the trash, and you’re done.
(Not that any of this is necessary, but for someone who’s paranoid about sperm theft it would be a lot easier than mucking around with hot sauce.)
Because that doesn’t give the satisfaction of punishing someone, I assume.
PDA, I think that was just a typo for “butch.”
Alex, clearly she would have secretly spermed herself in the bathroom with the door locked, if this had been, you know, an actual true story.
I like that this apparently didn’t occur to most of those who read the story, who thought it sounded completely reasonable that she fled the bathroom with the condom, shouting “I’m finally going to get the baby I deserve!”
I think we should all start trying to figure out how to work the phrase “I’m finally going to get the baby I deserve” into our conversations as often and as inappropriately as possible.
Also, “You fucking bastard, how dare you punch me for what I’m entitled to! CALL MEEEE.”
I know, right? It’s like Christopher in Oregon’s been teaching a writing class.
>>>“Don’t stick your dick in crazy”* is not terrible advice.
It’s ableist against people with mental illness…
I prefer “Don’t stick your dick in dumbass” or maybe “Don’t stick your dick in drama”.
I filed a petition,
I dropped it in the slot.
I went through my perdition;
I went through quite a lot.
I saw the ammunition:
I dug through the trash and got
Joey’s consumèd tissue
and I’m finally going to get the baby I deserve.
(I apologize to literally everyone who reads this.)
A typo for “bitch,” that is.
@BlackBloc:
But that flies in the face of the classic phrase “Fuck drama.”
I can’t believe they think that’s real. All that’s missing is her running away at the end rasping “I’ll get the baby I deserve next time, Gadget! Next tiiiiiiiiime!”
Hence why I included the footnote with the less ableist version, which is probably closer to what most people mean anyway.
I have mastered the art of the footnote! Just like my hero Terry Pratchett! Now I’ll finally get the baby I deserve!
The possibly imaginary puncher and almost spermjackee has returned to r/mensrights to announce that he got arrested.
http://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/rs601/update_my_girlfriend_tried_to_steal_a_used_condom/