So the other day – on the day colloquially known as “April Fools Day” – a Redditor using a throwaway account posted a most unlikely story to the Men’s Rights subreddit. Under the self-explanatory headline “My girlfriend just tried to steal a used condom to impregnate herself and is now threatening to call the police on me. PLEASE Help!” the newly minted Redditor ineedhelpnow1234 told his tale of woe.
Earlier in the day, he wrote, he and his girlfriend
had sex and I got up to go the bathroom and throw the condom out and then went back to bed. She got dressed and also went to the bathroom. I could see when she stepped out that she had something in her hand. I asked her what it was and she started yelling how she had the used condom and she was “finally going to get the baby I deserve” and then started running for [the] door.
Apparently that’s how women talk in MRA-land.
And then ineedhelpnow1234 added a rather important detail he somehow neglected to include in the headline:
I freaked out and ran after her and caught her at the door. My mind was racing, and she was about to get out. I panicked and hit her in the stomach and then took the condom forcibly from her hands.
Emphasis mine. He continued:
I’m not proud of what I did, but I was FREAKED out in the moment and she was about to escape and I just did what I thought I needed to do.
She caught her breath and left and now she’s been calling (I haven’t answered) and texting me saying she’s going to call the police and have me arrested unless I have sex with her without a condom.
Later, she allegedly left him this alleged voicemail message:
You fucking bastard, how dare you punch me for what I’m entitled to! Call me the minute you get this god damn message or I’ll call the fucking police and end your future. CALL MEEEE
Naturally, there were more than a few readers who looked at this tale – filled with credibility-straining details that seemed tailor-made to arouse MRA indignation — with a skeptical eye, and called “troll” on the whole thing. But quite a few of the locals took the story seriously, and offered serious advice.
Some simply repeated the standard dude advice “don’t stick your dick in crazy” and others, with a little more imagination, suggested that in the future he carry around hot sauce to squirt into his used condoms lest another lass try the same dastardly sperm-stealing trick.
But quite a few of the advice-givers recommended that he simply lie about his assault, and pretend it never happened. DisRuptive1 thought that simple denial would be enough to get him off the hook:
HateAllThePeople suggested that he go on the offensive:
NotC – presumably also not a lawyer – suggested that the impending threat of spermjack-blackmail would allow him to get a pass on the whole punching-her-in-the-stomach thing. But that he should lie about the incident that never took place anyway, wink wink.
Others offered their heartfelt support:
And suggested that they would have done the same thing:
One commenter had the temerity to suggest it was a tad hypocritical for all these Men’s Rightsers to suggest that a man lie to protect himself. But that commenter was quickly shot down.
Luciansolaris was one of the few who suggested the OP fess up to the assault – and defend it in court both as a logical and justifiable reaction to the situation, and as a case of temporary insanity.
I may have missed it, but I don’t think there was a single comment suggesting that, even under the circumstances, punching a girl in the stomach so hard it leaves a bruise was a terrible thing for this probably fictitious spermjackee to do.
A most revealing discussion, Men’s Rightsers.
EDITED TO ADD: ineedhelpnow1234 has returned to r/mensrights to tell everyone that 1) he’s not a troll and that 2) he was arrested. Make of it what you will.
@princessbonbon
when I say part of the background picture what I mean is:
a) substances (and even substance abuse really) is part of the larger culture in most societies, so you can literally throw a rock and hit someone who abuses.
b) substance abuse is one of THE most common coping mechanisms, especially for those who have no access to, or can’t afford, professional help. So the chances of someone who’s disturbed also abusing substances are astronomical (if I remember right, substance abuse is the disease with the highest comorbidity)
Guys you have to sign this petition against bonsai kittens! We’re trying to send it around the world 10 times!
So earlier I needed to write a note to myself and I didn’t have any paper so I wrote it on my palm with a ballpoint pen and now I think I may have given myself INK POISONING. You guys what should I do?!
I was addicted to antidepressants for a couple years, in the sense that I took them every day and had a hell of a time withdrawing from them.
I wonder if I’m a brain-damaged felon now? I mean, ADDICTION!!!1!
This is a fascinating thread, which leads me to propose a new testimonial page for man boobz.
Here’s mine:
I need my coffee every morning, or I get headaches. How close am I to going on a murder spree? BECAUSE ADDICTION.
i am addicted to coke zero.
and my anti-depressants.
and slash fiction.
clearly i am doomed to become a mass cereal murderer any day now, esp. if the coke zero runs out.
you only think i am kidding.
Man, I wish I came to this thread earlier. In an astoundingly improbable event orchestrated by the capricious universe we live in, I happen to be taking a class on addiction.
Alcohol seems to work by limiting the amount of information a person can deal with. If the most salient feeling currently is anger about being laid off, you’d likely punch the boss that laid you off without thinking about the consequences of doing so. On the other hand, if the most salient emotion is depression, you’d likely break down crying instead.
This is how alcohol can have such a variety of effects even on the same individual (we still don’t know exactly how alcohol effects the body; it could be the alcohol, it could be the toxin that alcohol metabolizes to). If you’re doing something like watching tv while drinking, you’ll be focusing on that rather than any worries or stresses you have and you’ll “forget your troubles.” On the other hand, if you are only drinking and do nothing else, you’ll probably be focusing on those other troubles and nothing else.
(Look up “Alcohol myopia Steele Josephs 1990”, third link down for the source)
No, this does not imply that alcohol causes people to kill others.
Wow… How about 4) the types of people that commit felonies are also the types of people that abuse substances? Whenever you have a correlation, you can try to explain it as “A causes B,” “B causes A,” or “A and B are caused by something else.” As to why most felons are male, take that up with a culture that cultivates aggression as a prized male attribute and submission as a prized female attribute.
Is it just me or is there this trend lately of a new commenter showing up, making a handful of comments designed to imply that the commenter is more or less “with us,” but which nonetheless seem a little off, and in less than a week pretty much losing their shit over something?
Okay, okay, it’s been two. Two is probably not a trend. Still, it’s weird.
i drink like a fish and we all know i’m amazing
Incidentally, googling “Amen Clinic” produces some interesting results, chief among which are various links for “Amen Clinic Scam.”
guys the self-righteous bully is getting all huffy. clearly you’ve all gone to far.
Guys, I think I might be addicted to water. I need to drink it, every day, sometimes as many as eight glasses worth! I’ve found if I don’t have water, I go through some severe withdrawl, I can’t think straight, my throat gets dry, and I’m tired and hungry more easily. What should I do? I might lash out any moment, I mean, ADDICTION!
Ostara321, clearly you are an evil, evil human being. You better go lock yourself up before you kill us all.
You’re probably right. I just need to find myself a dark, depressing dungeon somewhere to have someone lock me up and throw away the key.
So, Miaminice is defending the idea that “alcoholism causes mass murder.”
So, implying that “alcoholism causes mass murder” is a stupid statement, and a complete misunderstanding of Miaminice’s point. Gotcha.
Wait…
Dude, if booze turns people into murderers, Pennsic would be a literal (instead of figurative, all in good fun) bloodbath. Hells, most SCA camping events would result in mass slaughter. And yet all these people, most of whom have some kind of armament – an eating dagger or stake hammer at least – manage not to kill each other in drunken rage. I have personally been to camping events where people got so smashed that they debated leaving sake out for the bear that had been spotted in the park.
It’s like how no one who goes to Oktoberfest is ever seen again.
Oh wait…
The Amen Clinic is pretty much a quack clinic, the guy who runs the place is obsessed with the idea that a particular outdated form of brain scan can diagnose pretty much every issue ever. My therapist gave me his book on ADD to read, where he claims that there are six types of ADD (there are only two, he made up four of them by conflating other commonly comorbid disorders like depression with ADD). In any case we don’t know enough about the brain or mental illnesses to diagnose the vast majority of mental health issues from brain scanning (unless it’s caused by something like a tumor or a lesion).
Also for those who are saying they were “addicted” to anti-depressants– although stopping them can sometimes cause a discontinuation syndrome, anti-depressants aren’t truly addictive in the medical sense. It’s nitpicky, I know, but it’s a common misconception and is one of those things that makes people more afraid of medication than they should be
“Never liked multiple choice tests. They don’t allow you to have deeper thoughts than those of the person who wrote the test.” –Neil deGrasse Tyson
Of course, don’t expect deep thoughts from an MRA. Expect childish generalizations and name calling.
Going back to the OP, someone on the Reddit thread recommends jury nullification.
Of course.
After all, the law against punching people in the stomach really is fundamentally unjust and immoral.
Kladle, it’s off topic, but I wanted to tell you thanks for the cool drawings. I tried to message you back at the forums to say that, but my messages are stuck in the outbox for some reason. Anyway, bravo on your illustration of my encounter with a T-rex.
Okay, you know what, Miaminice? I’ve read a lot of books on sexual assault and some on serial murder. I can’t call all of them to mind because I read them years ago, but I do recall one thing that was made very clear, and that my therapist reiterated to me: sometimes these people use alcohol or other drugs in order to lower their inhibitions about whatever it was they intended to do. Do you know what that means? It means the sexual assault/murder/etc. was something they already wanted to do and they intended to do it. The alcohol and/or other drugs did not make them do it. All it did was lower any fears they had about being caught and drown out any possible guilt. They’d have done it anyway; they just didn’t want their emotions to get in the way. Alcohol and other drugs do not turn a good person into a bad one. A person’s choices do that.
AntZ, if we’re all so very irrelevant, why do you keep engaging us in conversation?
Folks, I think Miaminice may have gotten the causation backwards. Clearly, serial killings and mass murders cause alcoholism. After reading hir bullshit, I definitely need a stiff drink.
Unrelated: I invented your mom. Worship me, peons! 🙂
I got your message, Kendra, don’t worry! Thanks so much, I’m glad you liked it! 🙂