Female kitties! Your long reign of gynofelininofascist matrioterror has ended! Over on A Voice for Male Cats Men, JinnBottle has figured out a purr-fect way to put lady cats in their place! (Hint: That place is not on his lap, being gently stroked.) Oh, and this goes for all you human ladies too, or else — POW!
Are you?
(Thanks to Cloudiah for pointing me to this comment.)
@kobun37
OMG, my girl kitties do that too. Apparently this is a gender-neutral pastime.
Women should be more careful about trucks 🙁
And men are lazy and spend most of their life eating in their cage, eating grass, and sleeping.
But men and women are good friend and nap together. Or were, at least.
And men are pigs. Guinea pigs, to be precise.
Sticking solely to my boyfriend’s live-in “man,” I can extrapolate that all men get excited and stalk around the house dramatically whenever you open a can of tuna, all men love having their chins scratched but will attempt to murder you if you so much as feint towards their tummies, all men think the best time to demand attention is when their roommate and his girlfriend are being intimate, and will keep climbing all over you and staring at you in a somewhat disconcerting manner no matter how many times you pick them up and put them somewhere else, all men have a compulsive need to get inside any grocery bag that ever enters their home, all men destroy the carpet on the edges of stairs by insisting on using it in lieu of their scratching post, all men really, really love lying on sheets of paper, all men can somehow manage to project an air of offended dignity even while lying on their backs with all four limbs in the air and a fuzzy toy mouse on their stomachs, and all men desperately want to know what is in the bedroom closet, forcing them to try to get into it roughly 47 times per day, growing in intensity until about 4 AM, at which point they will go into such a frenzy of closet-door-poking and plaintive-noise-making that their roommate will inevitably wake up and yell, “GODDAMMIT, ALL MEN, NO!” at them.
@kyrie
I’m sorry to hear this and I hope that all it was, was a scare, but somehow I don’t think it was 🙁
@Lady Zombie, thank you for a truly awesomely hilarious post.
I’m not sure how this guy took the two cats in his life and drew parallels about the woes of his dealings with women. I’ve had male cats and female cats. In my experience; none of them listen.
I always preferred owning male cats because they seemed more docile and cuddly.
The female cats I’ve owned are into hunting, bringing me decapitated birds, and never sitting on my lap.
Fortunately I never drew parallels about the tendencies of male vs. female cats with humans. Not only would my evidence be absurd, but quite anecdotal and cross-species studies never hold any water unless it’s for the purposes of testing medications.
Falconer: thanks, it wasn’t indeed just a scare, our kitty died. It was years ago, though.
My cat is the most misandrist kitty of all. She takes naps and bathes herself all day while my husband is at work. That shows how lazy and vain all women are. She is also a picky eater, preferring Meow Mix (kitty bon bons) over Friskies or Fancy Feast. I have to frequently trim her claws to keep her from scratching the couch. Finally, she hisses at our male veterinarian, who only wants to keep her healthy. When will this gynofascist oppression end?!
/sarcasm tag for overly literal MRA’s
I caught my heartless bitch of a cat Wanda flinging baby birds into the air – torturing them before the kill. She stumbled upon a nest and you know females – being more prone to violence, especially children, couldn’t resist killing them all! I told her to stop, and demanded she come in the house – but she. didn’t. listen. She came in later, scratching at the door at 3am, and being female, never had to face REAL consequences for her heinous actions.
Based on my Aunt’s cats:
Women like to chase Batman out of the garden.
All men have markings like Batman. (One of my aunt’s neighbour’s cats looked like Batman, we nicknamed him Batcat).
All men set off everybody’s allergies, especially on Hallow’een.
Women like to clear men’s plates, sometimes before the man has even started.
Women like to walk across occupied beds, leaving small round bruises on my boobs.
Women will bite through your headphone cords. On purpose.
I find his testicles theory interesting… Given that every cat I’ve ever known (and all 3 of the cats I’ve owned personally have been male) just seem to universally seek genitals/sensitive parts to stand on. My current cat is well known to snuggle up to my partner and then nonchalantly reach out to lay a paw in the vicinity of his balls (fully clothed, often under a blanket as well), as though to say “these are mine to destroy if I should choose,” as well as the usual cat “oh, I was just walking/landing/taking off from here and your bladder/testicles happened to be in the way.” He (my cat, not my partner) also enjoys standing indecisively on my boobs should I happen to be laying down and reading (that way, he’s both smooshing something sensitive, making it hard to breathe AND blocking my view of my book). For the record, his claws are intact and he kneads like nobody’s business when he’s happy. Which makes it hard to get annoyed about puncture wounds when he’s purring so loud you can’t hear yourself think.
Not my cats, but a few my friend’s male cats decided to change home because they like the food better. The little sluts. All the female cats are still accounted for.
Haha, take that, men! For some reason.
I also have a parakeet. She is demonstrating right now that women will scream at you and flap their arms frantically until you turn the radio on to the hip-hop station, at which point they will get all excited and sing along, and that there is nothing more entertaining than pooping on computer keyboards.
So, based on my cat when she was still alive, women hiss at men when they merely come to say hello, sleep in the kitchen sink when they get old & will not move even if you turn the tap on, terrify the new puppy so he leaves her alone (but will deign to allow him to lick her ear), decide to clamber up the clotheshorse to get her food when sick of waiting for one of us to lift her up & will perch on the outside window ledge glaring at us to let her in again.
Whereas men, based on my dogs, will cry when someone goes out leaving them alone in the hope that they’ll come back, sit on their hindlegs with an adorable expression so you scratch their tummies, sneak an old Snickers wrapper into their bed to spend weeks secretly licking it, rifle my mum’s handbag looking for sweets & rifle through kitchen bin scattering rubbish throughout the house.
Yeah, makes perfect sense.
@Shaenon That made me laugh so hard! XD
All women are begging for treats right now even though they have perfectly good food pellets in their cage.
Women pester you all day long for food, but then won’t eat anything when you give it to them. And then they’ll sit on the back of the couch and sulk.
Also, they really, really, really hate taking pills.
Oh, hell. I’ve been the protagonist from Cat People all this time and I’ve never realized it!
In my experience, men are all overweight and twice the weight of women. Men are motivated by food and women aren’t, but everybody loves greenies.
Women sleep in the crook of my mom’s arm, but men sleep between my mom and dad, but really, they’d rather be sleeping with my sister. Men also like to nuzzle my sister’s neck, and used to nuzzle my grandmother before she died, but they won’t nuzzle mine. Women will crawl onto anyone’s lap, so long as they have a blanket and stay still long enough.
If women are in a blanket, you can pick them and the blanket up and pass them around to other people when you get too hot. Men will take off your hands if you try this. When women are under the blanket men can’t tell they exist and will walk right over them. This shows how careless men are. On the other hand, men will run away from women in the living room, even if all the woman is doing is staring at him. When men and women fight, women like to get up next to my mother so that men won’t follow them.
All women have herpes from being a breeder of show people, and don’t have hair on their tummies. All men have hair on their tummies, but you’ll never get to pet it; you can only pet women’s stomach when they are rolling in the sunshine.
I thought the cat person was the antagonist, and the protagonist was her husband? That’s the impression I got from the version I watched anyway (B&W, 1947?)
Sorry, pedant.
David but but MEN hate taking pills too (which is why my vet gave me cleverly disguised stool softener in a chicken-flavored base which I can squirt into their web cat food and add some extra water too–men need extra hydration–and they EAT!)
*shows scars all over arms and thighs proudly though*
http://www.simonscat.com/Films/Let-Me-In/
embed, damn you
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