Female kitties! Your long reign of gynofelininofascist matrioterror has ended! Over on A Voice for Male Cats Men, JinnBottle has figured out a purr-fect way to put lady cats in their place! (Hint: That place is not on his lap, being gently stroked.) Oh, and this goes for all you human ladies too, or else — POW!
Are you?
(Thanks to Cloudiah for pointing me to this comment.)
My cat does that, too! Although he’s just chewing on it.
Have my furry girls been hanging out at your place when I’m not at home?
For some reason I am under the impression this would make a great cartoon by Kate Beaton. But it would probably come out confusing. Is the human under the rocking chair a cat, or a human? So then is the human trying to drag her out another cat, or actually a human?
Pfeh. I have made my chair proof against little-up-and-down-lever-pulling with the clever gambit of somehow wearing out the pneumatic piston in the column. Now my chair is stuck in its lowest position and I will never fall out! Hah hah! Clearly I have shown them, I have shown them all.
Women and men like to chew on the corner of netbooks, and rub on the little netbook and try to tip it over, and stomp across the keyboard! ALL OF THEM!
Both men and women were born in my backyard and lived there as feral babies until my sister caught them in a box and acclimated them to living in the house. Men are named ‘Lou’ now, because at first they were mistaken for women and named ‘Luna’.
I wonder if this guy knows that kittens always play-fight? He makes it sound like he’s policing every time they so much as touch each other.
It’s normal for kittens to play-bite and claw each other. It’s how they get out energy and learn crucial cat skills. Separating them is completely unnecessary (and kind of cruel, they need to play and socialize) unless they’re drawing blood or one is getting bullied.
Also I really don’t buy that stuff about “going for the balls,” I’ve never seen a cat do that.
>>It’s normal for kittens to play-bite and claw each other.
Unfortunately, my roomie’s new kittin is royally pissing off my two grown cats, as he’s distracting them from their important work project of sleeping most of the day away…
Well, in my experience, when you try to clean spent gun cartridges to recover the brass, no matter how carefully you explain to women that they aren’t allowed to play with them because they are contaminated with lead, women will devote all of their time and energy to stealing and sucking said cartridges and hiding them under the couch. Then you yell at women, but women just stare at you, because they’re cats.
Things i’ve learned from this thread:
I have been blind to the depths of human whackiness for too long!
Some women were initially feral, and so grew up scared of people, loud noises, and other cats; they enjoy hiding in dark spaces and eating food when everyone else is asleep. However, some women may occasionally be found curled up with my dad, who has somehow earned their trust.
Other women are extremely stupid and prone to escaping, getting confused, forgetting how to get back in the house, and climbing under the house in panic. They think that rooms stop existing when the door is closed, and will meow at the door in distress until you open it up. They are, however, very good at hunting lizards.
You cannot leave women in the same room. They will scamper across the house hissing and clawing at each other. On the bright side, this reassures you that the women who are terrified of everything are still alive.
All men died a few years back, but occasionally I forget they are dead and look around for them to pet them.
According to my careful observations, women charge at their younger, adopted sisters, turning possible playtime into a fight; bite hands and calves; walk all over my book; try desperately to get into a closed drawer in the chest-of-drawers but lose all interest if you pull it out for them; drink only from the bathtub faucet; eat half their food, wander off, and come back a minute later only to decide that the food has gone bad and they will not eat it; and prefer the clothes hamper to the scratching post.
Alternatively, women react poorly to being charged at by their older, adopted sisters, turning possible playtime into a fight; nibble on fingers, especially after tempting them in with their fuzzy tummies; obviously know that what you do in the toilet needs to be concealed but have absolutely no idea that pressing every button, switch and lever in the bathroom except the one on the toilet tank will not help them; know what the scratching post is for but do not care that it is supposed to be the only place to scratch; and lick twice at her food before ignoring it altogether.
I mean … just chicks, amirite?
@Holly
Yes, this. Heck, my partner’s cats (I mean, um, all men) are 14-ish and they still play fight with one another all the time. Sometimes they play-bite at the strangest moments. Cat 1 has a habit of ruining a snuggly groomfest by going for Cat 2’s throat. Not enough to hurt him at all, but enough to make us utterly confused since we don’t get how “lick your ear SO MUCH because we are the best of friends!!!” turns into “grr I am the best warrior!” in 2 seconds. Anyway, Cat 2 usually gets him back by kicking him off of the couch or bed or something and then doing a little “I’m on the bed and you’re not” preening dance.
We’re not worried about any of this, since neither cat is being hurt and they’re not destroying anything (usually). They obviously like each other because they spend about half their time in a snuggly ball of orange and black fur and random limbs. They’re just, you know, being cats. Like cats are prone to doing.
By this logic, my cats stem from sexist stereotypes. Men are fat and stupid and women are shrill and cranky lol.
By the by, I hope JinnBottle never gets a dog, because being able to tell the difference between play fighting and real fighting becomes really, really important when you’re taking your shaggy buddy to the off-leash park.
Lately women have been get up on their legs and hugging my neck then climbing onto my shoulders while meowing and purring at the same time.
And they also sit on my side/chest when I lie down for longer than a minute while purring then stick their hands on my nose.
And they act affronted when they have dry food rather than canned.
I have two female cats. From this I have learned the following:
Women get very upset when I go into another room and shut the door. Women like sauteed mushrooms, and pumpkin puree with tuna mixed in. Women like cold chamomile tea, but not cold green tea. Women drool when they sleep. Women like to cram two women into a space meant to hold just one, and sleep with stray limbs hanging out awkwardly. Women love to have their bellies scratched. Women HATE to have their bellies scratched and will bite your fingers off for trying. Women have the most adorable spotted furry bellies imaginable, which means that Cloudiah now has many scars on her hands.
I am woman, hear me purr!
If you lie face down on the bed or the floor, a man will immediately appear and sit on your ass.
The other night I woke up and my friend’s woman was sitting on my chest. I freaked out and shoved her off me, which unfortunately caused her to land on my boyfriend with her claws out. So I learned that if you startle women they’ll mutilate your boyfriend in his sleep.
The thing is, if the guy’s male kitten was the one attacking the female kitten, he’d hold it up as proof that men are active and outgoing while women are stupid and lazy, and also as proof that men are genetically programmed to beat up women and should be allowed to do so.
This is one of the many reasons it’s silly to anthropomorphize animals.
Besides, everyone knows that what women like to do best is find empty boxes and sit in them.
My woman insists on sleeping curled up next to my husband every night. Should I be jealous?
What I learned from my two female Siamese cats.
Women will ignore you until you sit down to work at the computer or read, at which point it becomes vitally important that they have lap time or to plant their asses on your book. No other time will do.
Women do not like closed doors. Any closed door means Shangri la must be behind it. It then becomes an all consuming desire to gain entry into the room behind the closed door. Women are very resourceful and will find a way in there, no matter what.
Women are convinced that every time you make a move towards the kitchen, it means they’ll be getting a treat, even though they just had one an hour ago.
Women love to sleep on top of clean laundry.
Women love to drink out of the bathroom sink.
Women love to watch you take a bath and dip their hands in the bath water.
Women like to sing off key in the middle of the night.
Women have an exhaustive sleep schedule. They must nap in all the house’s strategic locations at least once per day.
Women love to dig in houseplant dirt.
Women are highly offended when you vacuum the house and disturb their peace.
Manboobz, I appreciate you.
I work with the local school district, and the only kids who go after testicles are little boys. Boys will punch each other in the nuts and brag about it. I’ve had to write reports on these assaults. When I ask them why they do it, they say “because we like it”.
Cats go after each others tails because the business end of a cat is near the head. They’re dirty fighters. It has nothing to do with gender. Has this idiot never owned a cat before?
More things my male cats have taught me about men…
Men think headless frogs are the perfect gift for any occasion, especially left on the doorstep so the recipient steps on them barefoot. According to men, the best testing water in the house comes from that funny looking white bowl in the bathroom. When someone is sitting on said bowl, it’s the perfect time to crawl in their underwear, while they’re still wearing them. Men crap in a box and immediately must do a victory lap around the living room.
I’m sure I’ll think of more soon.
Also, if my cat is any example, men really like to eat bugs.