NOTE: THAT HEADLINE IS A JOKE. IT’S APRIL FOOL’S DAY.
In today’s edition of “Make Shit Up About Man Boobz,” we have this highly upvoted comment from the Men’s Rights subreddit attacking me (us?) for all the evil virgin shaming we supposedly do around here.
The total ridiculousness of this comment is fairly obvious. But I would like to take a moment to clarify a few things.
Being a virgin, or celibate? Not inherently funny.
Being a virgin, or someone who has had literally one sexual encounter with a woman ever, and writing post after post about how evil and icky vaginas are in an attempt to get other men to swear off women forever – that’s pretty funny. That would be a bit like me writing a travel guide to Denmark, or Albania, or any other place I’ve never been to.
Having trouble getting a date? Not inherently funny.
Having trouble getting a date because you’re a loathsome tool who hates women? Funny.
Using a sex toy? Not inherently funny.
Dudes pontificating about how sex toys and sex robots will soon make icky real women obsolete? That shit is fucking hilarious.
Also, sex toys themselves? Yes, they can be funny. I mean, the legendary Fleshlight is a disembodied vagina/mouth/asshole-replacement in the form of a giant clunky flashlight-shaped thing. That’s sort of funny. Attaching this giant clunky thing to an iPad so you can pretend that the iPad (or at least an image on it) is giving you a blowjob? That’s comedy gold!
Here are some other sex toys that are hilarious and/or seriously disturbing, courtesy of Scary Sextoy Friday, perhaps the world’s greatest blog. (All links are NSFW.)
Vibrators shaped like Santa Claus.
A dildo designed to look like poop.
Sorry. I got carried away with the links. That blog is like crack.
Pretty sure the MRAs and PUAs are more likely to try to shame me for the fact I own a Hitachi Magic Wand, an Aneiros, and ordering a Tenga Flip Air due to the great experience I had with their ‘use and discard’ brand of product than anyone on this site.
@drst
I hear that! Especially when you try to explain to dates that, NO, you really aren’t looking to be divested of your virginity tonight
Try explaining that your virginity allows you to summon unicorns. It might get them to shut up, at least.
@lauralot98
Does “technically a virgin, at least in Purity Movement terms, but not really” allow you to summon unicorns?
@Creative Writing Student: The unicorn will approach, but whatever you do, don’t let it rest its head in your lap. You know the movie Legend? It’ll be like that, only worse.
CWS, it allows you to summon things that are technically unicorns, but not really.
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3147/2608453223_91decf74e3.jpg
I can’t recall any instance of virgin shaming here. In fact, when you posted about that fleshlight ipod attachment, everyone seemed to be in agreement that using sex toys was A-OK for the gents as much as it is for the ladies. I hope I’ve never said anything virgin-shamey. I’d be one to talk, having been a virgin straight through high school and college, and my partner was one well into his late twenties. This scary sexy toy blog is glorious, by the way.
I am not familiar with the film Legend, but horn + lap sounds painful. And I love the unicow. <3
Unfortunately, no Twilight Sparkle as study partner/motivator. :'(
Chris in Oregon? lol You should read what his butt buddy Marky Mark writes. According to Marky every female on earth has some sort of venereal disease and is a slut. Marky can’t seem to understand why 18yo Victoria’s Secret models,,virgins of course, are not breaking down the door of his bungalow to get at him. Marky himself is a 50 year old, 300lb. cubicle worker who lives with his cat and Bible. He claims that the last time he had sex was 20 years ago, so perhaps he did have sex once when he was 30. I can’t understand why such a dreamboat isn’t fighting the girls off lol About a year ago he became infatuated with some 40 something woman with a kid who works in the office but was too scared to ask her out because he was afraid of being accused of sex harassment. He talks a lot about “plausible denialibility” to protect himself from being accused of sex harassment at the office which I guess he means being so subtle that he can claim he really didn’task the woman out. The problem with this is that the woman doesn’t even know he’s alive. Anyway he managed to convince himself that Maria was really a lesbian based on the hat and other clothes she was wearing lol
Marky has a handful of diehard natural women haters and religious fundies who read his blog and I sometimes do read it just to remind myself that there are wackos in this world. A few months ago he completely wiped out his blog, which he has reconstructed, because he suspected that someone in his office may have found out he had it.
I don’t know whether to laugh or feel sory for him because he sounds like one sick puppy.
Unicorns have quite a thing for putting their horns in virgins’ laps. They’re kind of perverts.
Being a filthy-minded pervert myself, I approve!
And that horn is such a phallic symbol.
I once saw a toy unicorn which had a number of dolls with holes in them – dolls of canvassers, tax inspectors, etc. – and you could impale the dolls on the horn. It was called a ‘vengence unicorn’…
@ Shadow – OMG yes. No, I don’t want to skip coffee and have you “make a real woman out of me” asshole. *barfs*
@lauralot89 – only if the unicorn can shit rainbows!
I was a virgin till I was 23 (I am now 24). I did get shamed a little, but it wasn’t by feminists…
We will be organizing a virin march to protest this outrage.
Those slutty virgin sluts, always going for the ALPHA FUCK unicorns instead.
Err …or something.
Not only do the unicorns shit rainbows, they pee sunshine.
At age 18, I had sex with a boy for the first – and with him only – time and a short – and fairly chaste – summer romance with a girl, then I didn’t have sex for three years because my first real commited relationship was with an asexual guy. I rarely talked about it, because I didn’t want to “out” my bf, but when I did, the reactions were all sorts of “Oh Em Gee, how do you even MANAGE?!” which on my side caused all sorts of *eyeroll*.
Thing is, I like sex. I LOVE sex, really, but I can live without it, and I loved my then-bf more than sex. Maybe it’s because I’m really monogamously-inclined, I never wanted sex so bad that I’d go at it with somebody else (with myself often, of course) and in the end, it was him who dumped me. We’re still friends, though.
Alas, no unicorn for me, except on this tumblr: http://unicorndaily.tumblr.com/ (WARNING: The first pic looks somewhat like a Meller-doll!)
darksidecat:
It’s not that high. The phrase “zero ability” implies nothing but the absence of a particular ability. For example, I have zero ability to translate Javanese into Swedish, but I am perfectly aware that I lack this ability, and wouldn’t pretend otherwise.
However, when it comes to self reflection, many MRAs descend into negative ability. They don’t stop at mere incompetence, but go on to assume that they possess deep insight into human interaction. Honest self reflection is replaced with that cringeworthy, Greek-letter strewn, pseudo-academic drivel, that they all seem to love.
The foot/vagina toy is less horrifying than the severed head/vagina, but equally confusing. I thought that the thing that foot fetishists liked about feet was their foot-ness? And I can’t figure out who else would want a sex toy shaped like a foot, so now I’m confused.
Maybe somebody stumbled over the word “pussyfooting” and didn’t know what it meant?
I love how this post is a lovefest and every post on Thespearhead is a pissing competition.
BUT WHO IS THE ALPHA MALE?????
I actually don’t feel comfortable mocking anyone for their sex toy use, no matter how ridiculous it is. (Though I WILL express concern for someone’s sense of self-preservation if they use something so obviously poorly designed it might cause them major injury. DUDE.)
I mean, my sexual tastes are the kind of thing people mock on the Internet too.
@Lauralot
I thought those unicorn bastards only went for virgin women. I’m hoping that griffins have an affection for virgin men 😀
@drst
It’s partly my fault because, even though I’m not looking for PIV, I’m still big on the bar scene and one night stands. The rest is because “what kinda het man doesn’t want sex?!!”
David, natch.
I’m a virgin. I’ve been mocked for it before. Not here though. Because I live in a world called reality and realize that I’m a virgin due to a number of complicated reasons, the big ones being major social awkwardness, self-esteem issues, bad timing and inability to pick up on romantic cues. I COULD be an asshole and accuse all dudes of engaging in some sort of large scale sex withholding conspiracy, but somehow I get the strange feeling that won’t help me get laid.
It occurs to me just how much someone must think they’re entitled to sex if they figure there’s got to be some sort of wide scale conspiracy as to why they aren’t getting laid.