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Let’s shame some virgins!

NOTE: THAT HEADLINE IS A JOKE. IT’S APRIL FOOL’S DAY.

In today’s edition of “Make Shit Up About Man Boobz,” we have this highly upvoted comment from the Men’s Rights subreddit attacking me (us?) for all the evil virgin shaming we supposedly do around here.

 

The total ridiculousness of this comment is fairly obvious. But I would like to take a moment to clarify a few things.

Being a virgin, or celibate? Not inherently funny.

Being a virgin, or someone who has had literally one sexual encounter with a woman ever, and writing post after post about how evil and icky vaginas are in an attempt to get other men to swear off women forever – that’s pretty funny. That would be a bit like me writing a travel guide to Denmark, or Albania, or any other place I’ve never been to.

Having trouble getting a date? Not inherently funny.

Having trouble getting a date because you’re a loathsome tool who hates women? Funny.

Using a sex toy? Not inherently funny.

Dudes pontificating about how sex toys and sex robots will soon make icky real women obsolete? That shit is fucking hilarious.

Also, sex toys themselves? Yes, they can be funny. I mean, the legendary Fleshlight is a disembodied vagina/mouth/asshole-replacement in the form of a giant clunky flashlight-shaped thing. That’s sort of  funny. Attaching this giant clunky thing to an iPad so you can pretend that the iPad (or at least an image on it) is giving you a blowjob? That’s comedy gold!

Here are some other sex toys that are hilarious and/or seriously disturbing, courtesy of Scary Sextoy Friday, perhaps the world’s greatest blog. (All links are NSFW.)

Vibrators shaped like Santa Claus.

A dildo designed to look like poop.

Any sex toy with a mustache

Anal Ring Toss

This … thing.

This … other … thing.

Sorry. I got carried away with the links. That blog is like crack.

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indifferentsky
9 years ago

You pwnd em again. I loled. “let’s make shit up about manboobz” heh.

Ithiliana
9 years ago

So NOT clicking on those links.

And nobody can make me, ahahahhahahahahahahahha.

Kyrie
Kyrie
9 years ago

All right troll, time to make yourselves useful and dig us the virgin-shaming quotes. With links.

hellkell
hellkell
9 years ago

I totally missed all the virgin-shaming going on here. Citations desperately needed.

Quackers
Quackers
9 years ago

oh look, MRAs making up lies about Manboobz again

I have very little sexual experience and have openly stated here that I don’t do the hook up thing and none of the supposed virgin-hating, sex loving feminists ever shamed me for it.

But yeah, proof you dumb fucks.

darksidecat
9 years ago

They are just hurling whatever insults they can think of, because they aren’t very smart, that’s the best they can do.

MRAs have zero ability in self reflection and self awareness.

Quackers
Quackers
9 years ago

hell even if it were true, MRAs really are taking the lead in shaming department. Shaming promiscuous women, shaming fat women, shaming old women, shaming unattractive women, shaming western women, shaming “career bitches” shaming ALL women….

Pot, meet kettle.

cloudiah
9 years ago

The “pussyfoot” thing on the next to last link? WTF? Not trying to shame anyone for anything, it’s just… … … …

ozymandias42
9 years ago

Why would I shame virgins? Some of the best sexual partners I’ve ever had were virgins when I got to them.

Ithiliana
9 years ago

@Quackers: true that!

Plus even the women they tend to approve of in some small measures are still horribly treated…..but of course THAT IS DIFFERENT.

abeegoesbuzz
abeegoesbuzz
9 years ago

Any sex toy with a mustache

Oh sweet jesus no that’s awesome.

I wonder if “Do what I say or I won’t have sex with you and I’ll mock you as a loser” works very often. Seeing as how I don’t have sex with most people, it doesn’t seem very effective at all, actually. Sheesh, after all this time you’d think feminists would’ve found a better method of getting their points across, ‘specially since we’re secretly running everything.

Then again, we are totes illogical! Girly brain! We’re prolly always doing stupid things that don’t work, and that’s why we’re in control of everything from the family courts to the police. Man-logic!

Creative Writing Student
Creative Writing Student
9 years ago

The Scary Sex Toy Friday (hilarious) btw reminded me of something Pie and I were looking at last night. We were looking at toys, and I found a cunnilingus simulator (http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=17045). He was terrified. And he kept coming up with ideas for wheel-based sex toys until he hit on the… cock carousel. No, he does not visit Manboobz.

Viscaria
Viscaria
9 years ago

Scary Sextoy Friday! Best. Site. Ever. I particularly like this (NSFW, obviously) pogo stick type dildo stand, if only because it seems like using it wrong would result in serious injury. Although maybe something like this could be really useful to people with some physical disabilities, who might struggle with other sex toys?

Tulgey Logger
9 years ago

I’ve never seen anything written by any feminist or manboobzer which would make me ashamed of being a virgin as a man. The closest thing I’ve seen to “virgin shaming” here, and it is not close at all, is the idea that young male MRAs just haven’t talked to many girls yet. I have, however, seen plenty of MRA trolls come here and make the argument that the male feminists here are just in it for approval from women/the chance to get laid. I’ve never had any feminist pat me on the back for being male and feminist, despite these assertions, but I have seen MRAs despise and reject female MRAs for their gender alone. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. I’ve heard the chimes at midnight. I’ve seen C-Beams glittering in the dark near Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain…

Sorry, I got a little carried away there.

Nobinayamu
Nobinayamu
9 years ago

You know, the whole “Manboobz is always virgin/abstinence shaming…” thing might carry more weight if there weren’t so many guys showing up here to complain about how they can’t get laid so feminism is the devil. Seriously.

Don’t get me wrong, we get our share of the conspiracy theory/Feminism = Nazism/women are inherently evil hypergamous whores stuff as well. But, Zarat is a dipshit and NWO… NWO is pissed that women use lotion.

Creative Writing Student
Creative Writing Student
9 years ago

NWO is pissed that women use lotion.

Damn, I should read his posts more closely. There might be a satirical poem in there. Probably found poetry.

Tulgey Logger
9 years ago

If you look closely, it turns out all of Owly’s posts are actually written in iambic hexameter. Owly is an epic poet.

(Line breaks are “ya know” and “women tease all men” stand in for the customary “//” as stanza breaks.)

kladle
kladle
9 years ago

Holy shit that last paragraph of wavevector’s screed is the biggest load of projection I have ever seen

Let’s play “find and replace”:

Much of the MRM, particularly the low-grade stuff we’re discussing, has nothing to do with reason, so you should not expect any sense of logical consistency. It is driven by the emotional desire for MRAs to get whatever they want, and its arguments and attacks are based on this emotion. MRAs want to have sex without restriction or being controlled by women, hence the attacks on rape. On the other hand, MRAs want to control women sexually, and they do this by using sex as a reward for female obedience. Hence the attacks on sluts, because MRA’s sexual power is diminished if women have agency

Hershele Ostropoler
9 years ago

I suspect that people with clitorises, particularly women, typically interact with sex toys (individually and as an industry) in a different way than people with penises, particularly men, do.

None of which makes shaming anyone for simply using sex toys funny.

Kendra, the bionic mommy
Kendra, the bionic mommy
9 years ago

Lol, that sex toy blog is the greatest. I can’t believe there were vibrators made to look like creepy beetles and scorpions. I guess there’s a market for everything.

Also, has everyone else has already said, no we do not make fun of people for being virgins. If virgins say hateful, stupid things, then we will mock them for what they say, but not for their virginity.

Creative Writing Student
Creative Writing Student
9 years ago

Well. Vigin-shaming. Not really. I do wonder how I got here, because my Dad has displayed very few social skills and frequently sticks his foot in his mouth (not in an endearing way either)*, and I wonder how I ever get laid (similar reasons).
Trust me, I am in no position to virgin-shame.

*I am his offspring. We’re too similar to be anything BUT related.

lauralot89
9 years ago

As a virgin, I feel shamed and humiliated every time I come here.

Wait, did I say “shamed and humiliated”? I meant “like laughing my ass off.”

Lady Zombie
Lady Zombie
9 years ago

I <3 the Scary Sex Toy Friday blog! I love looking at it and saying "Dear Lord! They can't be serious!"

Also, there is no shame in being socially awkward or a virgin. But there is shame in using one's socially awkward position as an excuse to be a complete arsehole.

drst
drst
9 years ago

I’ve seen plenty of virgin-shaming, mostly passive, in the wide world, but not here. And some of it has been in feminist writing/spaces (where asexual shaming also has happened) but again, not here.

(And yes, I have been shamed for it. You try being over 25 and explaining to a date that you’ve never had partnered sex and no, it has nothing to do with Jesus and you’ll find out exactly how freaked out people get by virgins. )

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

My reaction to “hilarious sex toy” stories is always a bit mixed between “haha oh my god that’s horrible” and “hey… I have one of those.”

I feel the same way about it as I do about furries–I’m not above laughing, but I try to keep it an affectionate and a “I have some funny interests myself, aren’t people wacky” laugh, because really, I got no moral high ground here.

BlackBloc
BlackBloc
9 years ago

Pretty sure the MRAs and PUAs are more likely to try to shame me for the fact I own a Hitachi Magic Wand, an Aneiros, and ordering a Tenga Flip Air due to the great experience I had with their ‘use and discard’ brand of product than anyone on this site.

Shadow
Shadow
9 years ago

@drst

I hear that! Especially when you try to explain to dates that, NO, you really aren’t looking to be divested of your virginity tonight

lauralot89
9 years ago

Try explaining that your virginity allows you to summon unicorns. It might get them to shut up, at least.

Creative Writing Student
Creative Writing Student
9 years ago

@lauralot98

Does “technically a virgin, at least in Purity Movement terms, but not really” allow you to summon unicorns?

lauralot89
9 years ago

@Creative Writing Student: The unicorn will approach, but whatever you do, don’t let it rest its head in your lap. You know the movie Legend? It’ll be like that, only worse.

katz
9 years ago

CWS, it allows you to summon things that are technically unicorns, but not really.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3147/2608453223_91decf74e3.jpg

Magnesium
Magnesium
9 years ago

I can’t recall any instance of virgin shaming here. In fact, when you posted about that fleshlight ipod attachment, everyone seemed to be in agreement that using sex toys was A-OK for the gents as much as it is for the ladies. I hope I’ve never said anything virgin-shamey. I’d be one to talk, having been a virgin straight through high school and college, and my partner was one well into his late twenties. This scary sexy toy blog is glorious, by the way.

Creative Writing Student
Creative Writing Student
9 years ago

I am not familiar with the film Legend, but horn + lap sounds painful. And I love the unicow. <3

Unfortunately, no Twilight Sparkle as study partner/motivator. :'(

Miss Prism
Miss Prism
9 years ago

Chris in Oregon? lol You should read what his butt buddy Marky Mark writes. According to Marky every female on earth has some sort of venereal disease and is a slut. Marky can’t seem to understand why 18yo Victoria’s Secret models,,virgins of course, are not breaking down the door of his bungalow to get at him. Marky himself is a 50 year old, 300lb. cubicle worker who lives with his cat and Bible. He claims that the last time he had sex was 20 years ago, so perhaps he did have sex once when he was 30. I can’t understand why such a dreamboat isn’t fighting the girls off lol About a year ago he became infatuated with some 40 something woman with a kid who works in the office but was too scared to ask her out because he was afraid of being accused of sex harassment. He talks a lot about “plausible denialibility” to protect himself from being accused of sex harassment at the office which I guess he means being so subtle that he can claim he really didn’task the woman out. The problem with this is that the woman doesn’t even know he’s alive. Anyway he managed to convince himself that Maria was really a lesbian based on the hat and other clothes she was wearing lol
Marky has a handful of diehard natural women haters and religious fundies who read his blog and I sometimes do read it just to remind myself that there are wackos in this world. A few months ago he completely wiped out his blog, which he has reconstructed, because he suspected that someone in his office may have found out he had it.
I don’t know whether to laugh or feel sory for him because he sounds like one sick puppy.

lauralot89
9 years ago

Unicorns have quite a thing for putting their horns in virgins’ laps. They’re kind of perverts.

Creative Writing Student
Creative Writing Student
9 years ago

Being a filthy-minded pervert myself, I approve!

And that horn is such a phallic symbol.

I once saw a toy unicorn which had a number of dolls with holes in them – dolls of canvassers, tax inspectors, etc. – and you could impale the dolls on the horn. It was called a ‘vengence unicorn’…

drst
drst
9 years ago

@ Shadow – OMG yes. No, I don’t want to skip coffee and have you “make a real woman out of me” asshole. *barfs*

@lauralot89 – only if the unicorn can shit rainbows!

Alex
9 years ago

I was a virgin till I was 23 (I am now 24). I did get shamed a little, but it wasn’t by feminists…

magdelynswallows
9 years ago

We will be organizing a virin march to protest this outrage.

chocominties
chocominties
9 years ago

Those slutty virgin sluts, always going for the ALPHA FUCK unicorns instead.
Err …or something.

lauralot89
9 years ago

Not only do the unicorns shit rainbows, they pee sunshine.

Lu
Lu
9 years ago

At age 18, I had sex with a boy for the first – and with him only – time and a short – and fairly chaste – summer romance with a girl, then I didn’t have sex for three years because my first real commited relationship was with an asexual guy. I rarely talked about it, because I didn’t want to “out” my bf, but when I did, the reactions were all sorts of “Oh Em Gee, how do you even MANAGE?!” which on my side caused all sorts of *eyeroll*.
Thing is, I like sex. I LOVE sex, really, but I can live without it, and I loved my then-bf more than sex. Maybe it’s because I’m really monogamously-inclined, I never wanted sex so bad that I’d go at it with somebody else (with myself often, of course) and in the end, it was him who dumped me. We’re still friends, though.

Alas, no unicorn for me, except on this tumblr: http://unicorndaily.tumblr.com/ (WARNING: The first pic looks somewhat like a Meller-doll!)

hyperdeath
hyperdeath
9 years ago

darksidecat:

MRAs have zero ability in self reflection and self awareness.

It’s not that high. The phrase “zero ability” implies nothing but the absence of a particular ability. For example, I have zero ability to translate Javanese into Swedish, but I am perfectly aware that I lack this ability, and wouldn’t pretend otherwise.

However, when it comes to self reflection, many MRAs descend into negative ability. They don’t stop at mere incompetence, but go on to assume that they possess deep insight into human interaction. Honest self reflection is replaced with that cringeworthy, Greek-letter strewn, pseudo-academic drivel, that they all seem to love.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
9 years ago

The foot/vagina toy is less horrifying than the severed head/vagina, but equally confusing. I thought that the thing that foot fetishists liked about feet was their foot-ness? And I can’t figure out who else would want a sex toy shaped like a foot, so now I’m confused.

Lu
Lu
9 years ago

Maybe somebody stumbled over the word “pussyfooting” and didn’t know what it meant?

starterlifesydney
starterlifesydney
9 years ago

I love how this post is a lovefest and every post on Thespearhead is a pissing competition.

BUT WHO IS THE ALPHA MALE?????

LBT
LBT
9 years ago

I actually don’t feel comfortable mocking anyone for their sex toy use, no matter how ridiculous it is. (Though I WILL express concern for someone’s sense of self-preservation if they use something so obviously poorly designed it might cause them major injury. DUDE.)

I mean, my sexual tastes are the kind of thing people mock on the Internet too.

Shadow
Shadow
9 years ago

@Lauralot

I thought those unicorn bastards only went for virgin women. I’m hoping that griffins have an affection for virgin men 😀

@drst

It’s partly my fault because, even though I’m not looking for PIV, I’m still big on the bar scene and one night stands. The rest is because “what kinda het man doesn’t want sex?!!”

princessbonbon
9 years ago

BUT WHO IS THE ALPHA MALE?????

David, natch.

ostara321
ostara321
9 years ago

I’m a virgin. I’ve been mocked for it before. Not here though. Because I live in a world called reality and realize that I’m a virgin due to a number of complicated reasons, the big ones being major social awkwardness, self-esteem issues, bad timing and inability to pick up on romantic cues. I COULD be an asshole and accuse all dudes of engaging in some sort of large scale sex withholding conspiracy, but somehow I get the strange feeling that won’t help me get laid.

It occurs to me just how much someone must think they’re entitled to sex if they figure there’s got to be some sort of wide scale conspiracy as to why they aren’t getting laid.

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