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Let’s shame some virgins!

NOTE: THAT HEADLINE IS A JOKE. IT’S APRIL FOOL’S DAY.

In today’s edition of “Make Shit Up About Man Boobz,” we have this highly upvoted comment from the Men’s Rights subreddit attacking me (us?) for all the evil virgin shaming we supposedly do around here.

 

The total ridiculousness of this comment is fairly obvious. But I would like to take a moment to clarify a few things.

Being a virgin, or celibate? Not inherently funny.

Being a virgin, or someone who has had literally one sexual encounter with a woman ever, and writing post after post about how evil and icky vaginas are in an attempt to get other men to swear off women forever – that’s pretty funny. That would be a bit like me writing a travel guide to Denmark, or Albania, or any other place I’ve never been to.

Having trouble getting a date? Not inherently funny.

Having trouble getting a date because you’re a loathsome tool who hates women? Funny.

Using a sex toy? Not inherently funny.

Dudes pontificating about how sex toys and sex robots will soon make icky real women obsolete? That shit is fucking hilarious.

Also, sex toys themselves? Yes, they can be funny. I mean, the legendary Fleshlight is a disembodied vagina/mouth/asshole-replacement in the form of a giant clunky flashlight-shaped thing. That’s sort of  funny. Attaching this giant clunky thing to an iPad so you can pretend that the iPad (or at least an image on it) is giving you a blowjob? That’s comedy gold!

Here are some other sex toys that are hilarious and/or seriously disturbing, courtesy of Scary Sextoy Friday, perhaps the world’s greatest blog. (All links are NSFW.)

Vibrators shaped like Santa Claus.

A dildo designed to look like poop.

Any sex toy with a mustache

Anal Ring Toss

This … thing.

This … other … thing.

Sorry. I got carried away with the links. That blog is like crack.

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Polliwog
Polliwog
8 years ago

On the dating sites I can never think of anything interesting to say in the first messages, which is probably why I never get any responses. And I have no idea how I can fix it, which gets frustrating.

1. Read her profile.
2. Find something interesting in her profile (which should be easy, since why would you be messaging her if something about her didn’t sound interesting?).
3. Ask her about the interesting thing.

Examples:

“Hey, I see you like Irish drinking songs. I do, too! What’s your favorite one?”

“Hey, I see you spent a year living in Costa Rica. That sounds really cool. Did you get to see sloths?”

“Hey, I see you really like Batman comics. What do you think of the DC reboot so far?”

“Hey, I see you have a pet cat. He looks really cute in the picture you posted! What’s his name?”

Lather, rinse, repeat.