You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.
[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.
Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:
Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.
Then he starts getting mean:
Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.
Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)
The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:
Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.
Replace her cosmetics with crayons.
The puerile:
Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.
Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.
Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.
The surreal:
Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)
And the just plain assholish:
Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.
Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:
The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”
Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?
In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:
Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.
Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.
Leave him.
Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.
Holly, you should always assume the ass is loaded.
Why yes, I AM 12.
So AntZ’s given up on LBT because only penises are men? I see… Well, didn’t expect much else.
@AntZ:
When you talk about finding no LGBT hate in the comments on that post… you do realize that the ‘t’ stands for “trans,” right? As in… trans-men are included? As in, men who are men yet don’t have penises? Yeah.
@ozymandias42
Children are property, they are the product and property of their parents. If they weren’t, women would never be able to take that property away. The State also wouldn’t have a stake in child “custody” if children weren’t property. Custody is ownership. Divorced women and the State trade children like a commodity.
Hellkell – Never point the ass at anything you are not willing to destroy.
And tonight on Manboobz, ass safety lessons! You’ll never look at B.R.A.S.S. the same way again!
@Quackers
“Fact is NWO, there are men out there who are assholes and who women can do better with. You being one of them. I’m sorry it hurts you’re little fee-fees, but it’s the truth.”
What makes you even assume women are so perfect that they can do better? They said so? And even if, in some remote case it was true, shut the fuck up about it. We hear every fucking day endlessly. Have you ever heard, from our beloved mass media, how men can do sooooo much better, every fucking day?
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“I’m not gonna go out of my way to reassure you that I and other feminists don’t actually hate all men, because no matter what I and the rest of us say, you will never believe us.”
Well men in general don’t believe you because actions speak louder than lip service. Surely you, oh loving, fair-minded woman can answer my question.
If everyone is protected from DV by law, why does VAWA exist if not for special treatment? Are you better than a man?
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Privileged western women like you don’t have a clue as to what hate is. Does having your State, schools and media blast womens hatred towards men at you 24/7 not compare to the newly dubbed “war on women.” Shit, you can’t even say, “boo” to a woman these days without it being a war.
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Like I said, lip service. We hear about womens collective greatness all the time. Yet in reality, no so much.
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Hey! Did the gang read Amanda M’s recent post. She says, men being portrayed as buffoons is insulting and oppressive for women. The war on women, it’s so heinous.
This is my ass. There are many like it, but this one is MINE. My ass is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my ass is useless. Without my ass, I am useless.
Hoo-ah!
But Quackers! Facts are part of the Communist, Zionist, egalitarian, Masonic liberal agenda! They have no place among the Mens’ Rights Movement, the greatest human rights movement in the 21st century!
Nicely done, Kirby.
This is my rifle, this is my ass.
One is for fightin’ one is for gas.
Is it possible that maybe Heartiste DOESN’T want any sort of date or relationship or anything of the sort (cause, you know, cooties)? I have no trouble believing he’s immature, thoughtless and stupid, but I really can’t believe he honestly thinks any of these things would actually work.
Also, David, loved your list for the ladies, but I have to admit, I’ll never throw the Xbox out the window, cause, in part thanks to my male socialization, I love video games, and have an Xbox of my own, and I would be so happy if, when I get a partner, he/she/hir would be content to spend hours playing cooperatively with me.
My girlfriend’s awesome, NWO. Really, your feverdreams of hypergamy are just sad and speak more about you than us.
Is Heartiste Roissy, then?
Also, is he 12?
Yes, and yes. Mentally at least.
From what I understand Roissy became Heartiste a short time after his ID was exposed. I’m not sure why he bothered, everyone knows it’s him and it’s all a bit pathetic really.
This is an advantage of having a dog over having a cat. You can train your dog to bite someone in the crotch if they try to throw it out of the window.
12? More like 8. Most 12 year olds would at least have enough sense not to fuck around with the gearstick while the car is in motion.
Can I call him Fartiste now?
i have to ‘fess up to finding the dutch oven hilarious with my partner(although i had to google ‘dutch oven’ to realise it had a name). Admittedly it was at its peak of hilarity when we got together as 19yr olds and were feral students. Less hilarity now but a good fart and a waft of the bed sheets still raises a giggle, not just from the kids.
as a seduction technique? Nah.
@Bostonian:
It would be disgraceful if you didn’t. ^_^
Wow, I just read back to AntZ’s post where he says to LBT “No, the LGBT movement serves everyone but Gays best”.
Gays. The people who are the face of the movement in the popular eye, do their damnedest to run it (to the exclusion of everyone else), and have the strongest support in the public compared to the rest of the alliance.
you know, i think the aspect of the whole farting thing that is funny is because it’s childish play and you are allowing yourself to regress with that person. it’s a taboo you are able to ignore, bit like when you go to the toilet and leave the door open to keep the conversation going.
But the way Fartiste puts it, it’s about letting the woman know that they are in charge, exercising control. The idea being that women stop men from farting so they’ll show us who’s boss, aha!
Hey! I love video games too. My favorite games are the Paper Mario series and the Mario Party Series. ^__^
None of these appear to be intended as seduction techiques. They seem to be intended as abuse enabling tools, ie ways to manipulate a partner who you are already involved with to the point where they won’t have enough self esteem to dump your creepy, controlling ass.
I dont.. I..
Why does this man think women want to be with ten year old boys? Because that’s the only person who behaves like that!