You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.
[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.
Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:
Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.
Then he starts getting mean:
Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.
Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)
The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:
Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.
Replace her cosmetics with crayons.
The puerile:
Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.
Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.
Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.
The surreal:
Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)
And the just plain assholish:
Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.
Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:
The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”
Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?
In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:
Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.
Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.
Leave him.
Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.
I think fatherhood comes under property for NWO.
Oh my gosh, the Foreign Bride Product Review on the Spearhead!
This is my favorite line:
More likely, your problem will be to convince her to leave her home and come live here, and once she is here, to make her life as comfortable as possible as she adjusts to this strange land, where dogs wear clothes and live in houses, and men live under bridges.
Because your FOREIGN BRIDE will come from Narnia, where they have neither pets nor homeless people. She will live in a wee toadstool and eat only honey and Turkish Delight.
More interestingly, the article is a petulant response to what looks like an interesting documentary about an actual Asian-woman/American-dude international marriage, directed by a Chinese-American woman: http://www.seekingasianfemale.com
Yes, for that and host of other reasons, NWO.
@nwoslave
VAWA is gender neutral, it protects both men and women. Plus, there are parts of it that are meant to protect even more people, but those are being contested by the republicans, because they’re not the “right kind” of people.
There, I answered it, go away you inane person.
I don’t care if you are hispanic, you fucking idiot. That just means you are minimizing *our* problems instead of *my* problems, because you are a fucking idiot. How stupid can you possibly be? You’re USian, aren’t you? I’ve been here all my life and I have to worry about being deported if I go get tanked without ID on me, and you’re pretending racism is over? Fuck off, dude.
And no, lackwit, the KKK is the oppressor. Equivocating anger at the oppressor with fucking oppression not only makes you look stupid (seriously, that’s the fucking point. Whitey and honky are ridiculous insults that can’t encapsulate the sheer anger at this idiotic appropriation), but removes the one defense you idiots ever had for being misogynists. I mean, you are wrong about women being oppressors, because we are the oppressed and you are just the world’s worst sleight of hand artists, but if we lived in bizarro world where men weren’t in charge you would be de-fanging yourself.
One bigot minute you’re trying to make bigot bigots out of us, the next you’re all angry at the oppressed speaking out against an oppressor? Seriously, laughable zarat.
As the spouse of an Asian person, the Spearhead can fuck straight off forever.
People in Asian countries are not living in ignorance of the US.
NWO, you can’t read, my point is there ARE good and caring men out there, men who don’t play weird dominance games or cruel pranks on their partners.
Not that you’d know anything about that.
Oh, NWO, honeypie…
“It’s because the whole scheme they want to run on their girlfriends requires the girlfriends to believe that there are no better men out there.”
Pretty much your standard hatred. Women can do better, cause women are better.
Do you really think women can’t do better than a man who threatens to kill their pets, tries to make them crash while they’re driving, and farts in their faces? Because I’d have to disagree with you there. My husband’s never done any of those things.
Except for the farting, because you can’t live together for ten years without some farting going on. You’ll get cramps.
There are tons of awesome men out there. Most men I know are pretty awesome. There’s no awesome-man shortage going on.
Interesting. Actually, I’m in a monogamous relationship with a man, and I love him a whole big lot and I’m not interested in finding anyone else. Then again, he’s never done mean or malicious or downright dangerous things to me in an attempt to manipulate me. He is better than any person who would do that. And also you!
Wait, hobbits reproduce through cloning? Can we add that to the Book of Larnin’?
you have to remember that owlslave can’t imagine being nice to a woman because he can’t imagine being nice to anyone. his entire existence appears to be nothing but resentment and rage.
“Whitey” will never be that much of an insult as long as it lacks connotations of “hey, remember that time we enslaved your people, killed tons of you, denied your civil rights, threw loads of you in prison, kept you out of all the good jobs and schools, then pretended none of it had happened?”
It’s all about the connotation, man.
NWO, if you had a nickel for every time you heard a woman (not the strawlady in your head) actually say she could do better than the man she’s with, you’d have about 15 cents.
Slaveboy, giving someone a boner without having sex with them is not same thing as farting on them and threatening their cat and holy shit I’m explaining this to a grown adult who’s at two decades older than me what the fuck is wrong with the world.
*at [least]*
I’m very happy with the man I’m with, in part because he does not joke about killing my pets or crashing my car.
I am very happy with the men I’m with and have no intentions of trading up, sideways, down, or in any other direction.
I am (for the bajillionth time) very happy with MrB and a) have no desire to trade him in and b) might actually love our cats more than I do (which is saying something…). But of course, NWO is convinced that all women are slutty, lying liars, but there it is.
NwO I’m deleriously happy with Beloved and not even slightly microscopically interested in trading him in. As a result, someone will be getting some lovin’ and I’ll let you guess who…(Hint: its not you)
Oh by the way, Beloved hopes you’ll keep posting your bullshit, because everytime you do I’m reminded of how wonderful he is.
As the spouse of an Asian person, the Spearhead can fuck straight off forever.
People in Asian countries are not living in ignorance of the US.
If that pisses you off, you definitely don’t want to read the comments, which are dominated by a conversation about how it’s dangerous to bring your FOREIGN BRIDE back to America lest she be infected with modern ideas, so the better option is to move to her delightfully simple and backwards homeland. I seriously get the impression that they’re planning to purchase wives from Brigadoon.
Much of this comes from a man who claims to be married to a FOREIGN BRIDE in India. Because when I think “country where they’ve never heard of homelessness,” I think India.
Yeah, I have no desire to trade in my husband, and he’s also a big softie around the cats. He spoils them more than I do.
Farts, however, are just a hilarious part of life. Married life especially.
Fact is NWO, there are men out there who are assholes and who women can do better with. You being one of them. I’m sorry it hurts you’re little fee-fees, but it’s the truth. I’m not gonna go out of my way to reassure you that I and other feminists don’t actually hate all men, because no matter what I and the rest of us say, you will never believe us. Because you will never be satisfied until we say every single man on this planet is perfect and should do whatever the fuck he wants. And even then if we did you STILL would accuse us of lying.
So keep trying to shame. You’re a shitty person. Roissy is a shitty person. Price is a shitty person and 99.9% of the MRM is comprised of shitty people. Both the women, the men and the transfolk on this thread think so. Its got nothing to do with you lot being men (hell some of you are women), it’s got to so with the fact that you are shitty people.
Okay, NWO, hold up.
1) Only reproductive sex counts as sex
2) Earlier you yammered about the “pussy tax” and how women owe men…
3) Never mind, I’ve already put more thought into this than you have.
Farts are a part of partnered l
Farts are a part of partnered life, but should be aimed respectfully.