You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.
[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.
Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:
Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.
Then he starts getting mean:
Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.
Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)
The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:
Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.
Replace her cosmetics with crayons.
The puerile:
Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.
Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.
Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.
The surreal:
Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)
And the just plain assholish:
Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.
Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:
The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”
Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?
In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:
Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.
Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.
Leave him.
Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.
Fuck off, whitey. Straight whitey, I might add.
Are you being sarcastic? AVFM is a massive bastion of hetero and cis-sexism. Too much ‘no homo’, complaining about trans people of all stripes (You can’t win as a trans person when women are utter shit)
Like, seriously, I can’t say “Honky” or “Whitey” with enough hatred to emphasize the point. Antz, you are a massive idiot. How many of your MRM compatriots have been laughably racist, complaining about ‘thugs’, f’rex. Here you are, minimizing the fight for race *while you appropriate the shit of black dudes and the imagery of the Indian Independence movement”. Stop talking. Not just to us – period.
And thank you, LBT, for illustrating why MRAs will never the profound, daring rebels they envision themselves to be. They cowardly stick with the prejudices everyone is already familiar with and never challenge themselves.
Manboobz will always be there if you need us. 🙂
O, the melodrama! MRAs against the world!
Riiigght… because if you slip the car into neutral on the sly and something bad happens, it was likely on account of her poor driving skills.
That tip was the one that really got to me. I drove a super-drunk ex home once and he spent the whole ride touching things on the panel and even then he never got past the tuRn signal, so actual danger was sort of low, except for dividing my attention between dark narrow country road and the meddlling unthinking asshole next to me. That part could have turned out worse.
I kept my rage on ice until he sobered up. But it was waiting and I think Iconvinced him to Never Do That Again. Of course, once he was out of that bottle it became easier to convince him just how stupid he as being and how easily that prank could have killed us. What’s heartitse ‘s excuse?
Uh, AntZ, Noah… isn’t an MRA. Like, at all. Actually he kind of hates MRAs. And he’s been a feminist since before you married your FOREIGN BRIDE.
It takes a unique kind of person to provide evidence for their opinion that actually proves their opponent’s.
I can actually totally see one of my partners drawing a picture of me and then revealing a stick figure drawing… as a JOKE. Not to show that he can treat me like shit because he’s dominant, but because the situation is absurd and laughter is an emotion we humans find pleasant, although I don’t know how it is on Roissy’s planet.
Well, that puts Antz at par for the course, then, ozymandias. They all do that, just about every time they link to or cite something.
Unimpeachable bacon! The most delicious kind!
@Rutee Katreya
“Fuck off, whitey. Straight whitey, I might add.”
Nothing says altruism, empathy, sympathy, fairness and egalitarian than the above statement. These are just a small sampling of the qualities women have in abundance far above men. It’s taught to us every day in all the papers, our schools and government, so it must be true.
If I said, “Fuck off, blacky. Queer blacky, I might add.” Would I be considered the bad man?
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@ozymandias42
“Uh, AntZ, Noah… isn’t an MRA. Like, at all. Actually he kind of hates MRAs. And he’s been a feminist since before you married your FOREIGN BRIDE.”
Well duh! In Noah’s books, the only time a man is worthy of existing is if he acquiesces to every womans whim, or prostrates himself before a gay man. Only then can a man be acceptable to Noah.
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@MollyRen (@MollyRen)
“However, their abilities and sacrifices, as noble as they are, cannot overcome the fact that suppression of homosexuality is crucial to institutional integrity in a military context. Yes, suppression.”
There’s no such thing as, “homosexuality.” There’s only one sexuality. All sexuality and sexual drive is linked only to reproduction. If reproduction didn’t require sexuality, there would be no sexuality or sexual drive. We would simply clone ourselves. Try to stay within the realm of reality, this isn’t middle earth, there are no hobbits or elves.
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@Crumbelievable
“Yep, Spreadheaders are so supportive of LGBT rights.”
Have ya got the right to life, autonomy, property and vote? Well that’s all there is there ain’t no more. No one has to accept where you stuff your dick or what you stuff up your pussy.
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@aunthortense
“Any halfway competent peddler of snake oil can scrape together a few followers from the ranks of the desperate and the deluded.”
And a well funded hate movement indoctrinating the entire population to hate half the population with the help of the state, media and education system can recruit shitloads of followers. Even followers amongst the hated will learn to hate themselves.
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@Viscaria
“I wish it was possible to make patronizing concessions to cis white straight dudes”
This is the home of patronization and hatred. You’ve come to the right place!
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@LBT
“How can I feel this movement has ANYTHING to offer men like me, when it uses the word ‘mangina’ as a form of contempt, WHEN I’M A MAN WITH A VAGINA?”
Are you from bizzaro world, where everything is the opposite of reality? Whatever you’re smoking has got to be way better than anything I’ve ever smoked. I got nothing against dropping acid every now and then, but damn!
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@tatjna
“I think what he actually means is Attention Seeking and Acting Like a Kid.”
And who would know better about that than women?
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I see the hatred and stupidity marches along unabated in manboobz world.
I actually like the stick-figure drawing one, and can see myself doing that, because I see the punchline as self-depreciation: “Surprise! I actually completely suck at drawing!”
I somehow doubt the guys taking this list to heart would dig that interpretation.
Funny how that always seems to happen when you show up Owly, food for thought. Now if only you were capable of digesting it.
nwoslave, how do you manage to be hateful and boring at the same time? That takes some talent.
He has had a lot of practice at being hateful and boring. Also, remember that this is the guy advocating for women to be beaten, and enslaved.
If a man who I was dating did something nasty to my cat, I wouldn’t think “ooh, you’re so dominant – fuck me now, baby”, I would think “serial killers often start with pets”. And then I would throw him out of my home, and possibly change the locks.
The rest of this stuff is just a step by step guide to how to make a woman hate you. Other than the shift the car into neutral one, which is a guide to how to get both yourself and your girlfriend killed.
Sometimes I wonder if Roissy gives his followers terrible advice on purpose, because if they ever got laid they would have no reason to pay attention to him any more. But then I remember that he’s Roissy, and he’s actually stupid and deranged enough to try this stuff himself. Such a mystery that he’s still single.
NWOslave: You are a bad man.
Also, yes, absolutely, when I beat on people with riding crops, or write my name on them, or go completely limp/scared/blissedout when someone puts something sharp against my throat, or arch up into the Wartenburg pinwheel like the pain was oxygen – yep, all of that is about making babies and nothing else.
@NWO
Touche, asshole.
@Holly Pervocracy
“It’s because the whole scheme they want to run on their girlfriends requires the girlfriends to believe that there are no better men out there.”
Pretty much your standard hatred. Women can do better, cause women are better. So nice to be the privileged class, isn’t it? Women get to act like shit and turn around and blame men for not living up to womens percieved perfection of themselves. If I had a nickle for everytime I’ve read women commenting how they can do better than whatever shitman they’re currently with, I’d be the wealthiest man in the world.
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@Maya
“If the world were any worse a place we would be at each other’s throats. Actually that world already exists. It’s called the Internet.”
My guess is, if women don’t stop adhering to their indoctrination, it’ll get much, much worse.
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@Dracula
“Yeah, this whole PUA scene seems less about “How to be attractive and charming.” and more about “How to craft yourself into That Guy No One Want to Be Alone With.”
What’s the difference between all women using their sexuality to get one over on any man they can, and a few men using whatever they can to get one over on any women they can? Numbers of course. All women-vs-a minority of men treating the other like shit.
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@Falconer
“You make me feel cloth-headed, Holly, but then I suppose I have the — dare I say privilege? — of not having it shoved in my face at all hours.”
A clearcut example of self hatred. And proof that a lifetime of indoctrination works.
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@kirbywarp
“If I were cynical, (and I totally am), the women who put up with this shit aren’t attracted to it, they’ve just gotten into the relationship knowing that the men do this. They tolerate it, and its endearing in an “aww, precious” kind of way. Either that, or it’s just something they expect all men do.”
Women shouldn’t expect love and respect when they only thing they offer is hatred, desrespect and disloyalty. Well, actually, women are fairly pleasant to strangers much like a waitress is pleasant to a patron. It’s fake, but it’s far better than women treat boyfriends or husbands.
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@Happy
“And, by the way, feminism is to thank for this most recent sexual revolution.”
That’d be STD ridden whores tromping about slutwalking and demanding free contraceptions. Basically chasing and fucking the high staus men and PUAs and then expecting the men who they could do better than in their younger years to fall down and worship their bitterbitch asses. Well thank you feminism!
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No one here actually answered my question from a week ago. Here it is again.
If everyone is protected equally by law from DV, why does VAWA exist? Are women special?
So if being attracted to members of your own sex–but not the opposite sex–isn’t sexuality, then what is it?
yo owlslave as a fellow straight, white cis dude i’m here to tell you that your claims have no merit. as usual most (but not all!) of your problems stem from your total inability to take responsibility for your own behavior.
Oh look, NWO’s trying to get our attention by being obnoxious. He must have been reading Roissy.
NWO: one of the Guys No One Wants To Be Alone With.
“Like, seriously, I can’t say “Honky” or “Whitey” with enough hatred to emphasize the point.”
I am hispanic. And you seem like a wonderful, beautiful human being.
If you need help with jamming “enough hatred” for “whitey” people into your heart, try the writings of the KKK. Wherever you see “black”, put “white”.
lol there is no level of false equivalency to stupid for you antz, is there.
that’s probably because youre a bigot straining to justify his bigotry.
Erm. You said “life, liberty, property, and the vote.” I thought fatherhood was a right? Or are we going back on that now?
And the funny thing, Owly, is that no matter what you say about Noah… he still works a better job, has more fun, loves more and is more loved, and is generally happier and more fulfilled than you are. What does that say about you?
AntZ, love, when people of color have enslaved white people for several hundred years, then we can talk about the offensiveness of “honky.”