You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.
[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.
Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:
Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.
Then he starts getting mean:
Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.
Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)
The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:
Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.
Replace her cosmetics with crayons.
The puerile:
Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.
Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.
Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.
The surreal:
Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)
And the just plain assholish:
Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.
Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:
The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”
Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?
In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:
Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.
Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.
Leave him.
Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.
@AntZ:
Probably for the same reason that huge numbers of people swear by astrology and Scientology and past-life regression and homeopathy and the healing power of crystals and other assorted nonsense. Any halfway competent peddler of snake oil can scrape together a few followers from the ranks of the desperate and the deluded.
@LBT
Just in case you missed it, I directed you to the MRM community that is most hostile to LGBT >>> because I want you to make an informed choice <<<.
You will not find ANY hostility on AVfM, the unimpeachable beacon that leads the MRM forward. That is where I think you will find a very welcoming home. We have been fighting for LGBT issues since its founding in 2010, including prominent discrimination issues that feminists either applaud or remain silent about:
http://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/united-nations-to-the-world-kill-those-faggots/
See you there!
I think there’s been several “I’m not an MRA, but…” folks in here.
Re: my last comment, I say that not because I have any intention of making patronizing concessions to anyone, but just so that they might understand “you lucky stiff, half of these people think you deserve the basic considerations we should give all humans!” isn’t actually a really super nice thing to say, and they wouldn’t appreciate it either.
I am communicating terribly today. I’m not trying to say that all straight cis white dudes don’t get that it’s shitty to patronize to people, just the ones that say things like what AntZ did. You know what? Forget my ridiculous word-salad, and substitute the following:
DEAR EVERYONE
DON’T MAKE PATRONIZING “CONCESSIONS” TO MEMBERS OF LESS PRIVILEGED GROUPS
IT’S DOUCHEY AND BIGOTED
STOP
Are FOREIGN BRIDES one of those groups, or can we assume that this particular one is made up and therefore fair game?
viscaria, your comment was perfectly clear to me and i thought it was hilarious
He’s got to be kidding! Beloved and I are each of us pesty and playful, but these suggestions are just downright crude and stupid. If his idea is to demonstrate just how lacking in class he is…then I encourage it? If only that the women don’t get suckered by him any more than they have been.
I know exactly what you’re saying, Viscaria.
There’s just no equivalent thing you can say to a straight guy to “you don’t have to sleep with women, you’re so lucky.” But if there were maybe he’d understand why that comment is completely trivializing of what it’s like to be a gay man, while being completely centered around the straight guy’s experiences and his problems.
Plus, it’s just sort of funny that the only thing MRAs can think of to say about gay men is an insult toward women. Talk about one-note.
My ex used to do shit like this. There is a reason I refer to him as “abusive.” Anyone with a modicum of decency can guess how those two are related.
I remember as a schoolgirl being incredibly irritated by a boy in the playground who thought it was hilarious to snatch my alice band off my head and run away, forcing me to chase after him to get it back. Sometimes it was fun, but he’d do it all the time and after a while I just found it annoying.
I was grumbling to my older cousin about it one day, when she just laughed and said “He’s just doing it because he likes you!” I liked hanging about with him and being his friend, but I just wasn’t interested in him romantically. Bear in mind of course I was 12 years old at the time (I think he was about 11). Anyway, eventually he got the message that I didn’t like it and also that while I enjoyed his company, I wasn’t interested in him in that way. We grew up and remained friends, everything was cool.
It’s utterly amazing to see grown men – men older than me even – still using playground-level flirtation techniques.
That, and there’s no way a gay guy can say to a straight guy “I’ve decided to tolerate your existence and might even consider letting you be a part of society,” with a big shit-eating cookie-please smile on his face.
I think FOREIGN BRIDE is totally made up, however she is entertaining.
AntZ, just how dumb are you to come here and recruit, even in your usual halfass style? I mean, really.
Although, full disclosure: my boyfriend has totally honked my boobs.
I once used my girlfriend’s boobs to ‘play’ the horn part to Julian Cope’s Reward, in front of other people. She punched me in the arm afterwards, but she did let me do one entire breakdown and chorus.
didn’t antz used to have a wife and kids? what happened to them?
I love AntZ’s recruitment technique – he pops up here ranting and raving and calling everyone bigots, and then tries to win us over to his cause.
Actually, is this an example of “negging”?
@Kyrie:
Because they’re men. Duh. I mean, we’re feminists; we hate men. Isn’t that what our glorious gynocratic sisterhood of female supremacy is all about?
[/so much sarcasm I’m not sure a single close tag will be enough to contain it]
To be fair, unless I’m confusing him with someone else, AntZ has been pretty consistent with claiming that his wife is foreign (asian IIRC), and the shit he says does seem pretty consistent with Asian/Eastern European cultures.
AntZ, just how dumb are you to come here and recruit, even in your usual halfass style? I mean, really.
At least he’s not calling everyone whores and then demanding that they renounce their whoredom before they can be given the privilege of joining his Super-Awesome Club For Fucking Morons.
I put up with it because the ex made it quite clear that the alternative would be physical violence perpetrated against my person, my cat, my family members, and/or my house. He used to say things like “If you ever leave me I’ll kill your fucking cat and then I’ll burn your fucking house down,” and I had no reason to believe he didn’t mean it.
I can’t speak for all women, of course, but that was my experience. Took me more years than I want to admit to figure out that, even if he tried to carry through on those threats, I’d still be better off without him than with him. (He never did.)
Actually, there is a certain similarity between Antz and Tom Martin, once you substitute “whores” for “bigots” (or vice versa). Secretly, I think they’re both over here because it’s more fun here than in their usual playgrounds, though neither one would ever admit it. 🙂
Eurosabra’s the other implausibly optimistic recruiting agent round here, isn’t he?
Because I can think of few places more likely to sign up to the PUA cause than a feminist blog that’s heavily populated by intelligent women.
“AntZ, just how dumb are you to come here and recruit ..”
If you are so confident, maybe you will take me up on a bet?
I posted a link to an AVfM article that outs feminist silence & support for anti-LGBT discrimination. In all, 48 MRAs responded to that article:
http://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/united-nations-to-the-world-kill-those-faggots/
Fine me 1 out of 48 that has anything negative to say about LGBT, and I will publicly state:
“I prmoise to worship and obey the boob-god, forever and ever!”
.. or whatever vow it is that he makes all of you take as part of your brainwashing.
One. Just one. One anti-LGBT comment, out of 48. 2%, in case you want me to do the math for you.
The MRM is the most singnificant civil rights movement of the 3rd millenium. You all, are nothing.
Lol, okay, thanks Eric and Holly, glad I made sense. I had an I CAN’T WORDS!!!!! moment.
@Ponkz, it kinda bugs me when people say “aww, he just likes you” to schoolchildren, because that’s no excuse. It’s still not okay to take someone’s hair and (or pull their pigtails or what-have-you) if they don’t like it. But like you said, it’s particularly odd to see adults using these tactics.
@Dani, that’s terrible, I’m glad you’re out of that situation now! And I think you may be onto something, at least for some percentage of these relationships.