You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.
[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.
Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:
Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.
Then he starts getting mean:
Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.
Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)
The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:
Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.
Replace her cosmetics with crayons.
The puerile:
Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.
Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.
Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.
The surreal:
Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)
And the just plain assholish:
Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.
Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:
The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”
Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?
In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:
Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.
Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.
Leave him.
Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.
@LBT
If you are serious about joining the MRM and you want to participate in the greatest civil rights movement of the third millenium … some comments:
1) The majority of MRM sites are ~90% in favor of complete equal legal & government protection for LGBT persons. This is a clear improvement from even a few years ago. We embrace an identity treatment of LGBT, which removes all moral ambiguity and makes it a pure equal protection issue.
2) Even those communities that are most hostile, the numbers are still ~50% supportive. There were a series of recent articles on “the spearhead” examining this issue, and simple thumbs up/thumbs down analysis will tell you that, even there, the tide is turning (see AntZ, dragnet — contrast to Rmaxd, American):
http://www.the-spearhead.com/2012/03/04/the-problem-with-a-gay-tolerant-military/
3) We desperately need you.
Welcome to the fight, brother.
Haha, AntZ is trying to recruit Rogan now. You’re in good company! He tried to snatch up Quackers a couple of months ago.
Woo fuckin’ hoo.
“Fully half of us support your right to exist! Half!”
Man, what a selling point.
Ants, you’re arguing *for* an article that contains the paragraph “Homosexual men can and have been great warriors and leaders. There is no doubt that they can fight, and countless have sacrificed themselves for their country. However, their abilities and sacrifices, as noble as they are, cannot overcome the fact that suppression of homosexuality is crucial to institutional integrity in a military context. Yes, suppression.”
…yippee? I feel so ACCEPTED!
Yep, Spreadheaders are so supportive of LGBT rights. Just listen to their founder, W.F Price talk about Glee:
lmao
ftfy
@Anthony Zarat
From Roissy’s Open Letter to My Hypothetical Future Kids
fuck can we not do strikethroughs?
@LBT
Also, from this post on “the spearhead”:
http://www.the-spearhead.com/2012/02/27/the-few-the-proud/
“There is NOTHING wrong with that picture.
Those two men are COMPLETELY safe from bigoted, sexist, feminist family courts, criminal courts, institutions, law enforcement, and government agencies. How many of YOU can say the same thing?”
Upvotes: 40
Downvotes: 19
The tide is turning. The MRM embraces equality for EVERYONE. Contrast that to the people you keep company with >>> here <<<.
The only reason feminists tolerate the presence of the "G" in their midst is to pump hot air into their victimhood olympic bid. Few, if any, feminists feel any real compassion for men or boys. They think of you as beast, a sub-human animal, not because of your "G", but because of your "Y".
Join us, and make a difference.
fuck it, i’ll just say it. antz you belong to a hate movement, and a really pathetic one at that. sorry, brah.
i like how the spearhead can’t frame anything in terms that don’t relate back to how much they hate women
Antz, what does this have to do with men’s rights or equality? Can you tell me?
http://www.the-spearhead.com/2012/03/19/foreignbride-product-review-finding-a-model-thats-right-for-you/
Gotta love how AntZ thinks “accepting gay men as human” is like some sort of special favour that many of the good folks of the MRM are willing to do. Look at the effort they’re putting in, the sweet darlings.
Once more the MRM try to find new recruits on Manboobz… How will it end? The suspense is unbearable.
*prepare popcorn
“women are things, not people y’all. but it’s totally everyone else are the bigots, not the ones dehumanizing half the population”
it’s more than he extends to women, which i’m sure in his mind counts as a lot
“Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving.”
FoSB does this while we sit at stop lights. This is not endearing. It makes me want to let him walk his happy ass home if he cannot be a good passenger, not fuck him.
“Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.”
This doesn’t faze me so much, but FoSB sure hates it if I so much as pass gas in the same room as him.
@Antz:
For your point 2, you’ve got some pretty desperate cherry-picking going on.
Opus: upvoted, anti-homosexuality.
Words Twice: upvoted, agreed with the OP and with the idea that “Gay marriage is an odd concept”
Buckwheater: upvoted, argues that gay men are too promiscuous for the army
Ryu: upvoted, argues that “EVERYTHING will become more eminine and gay”
jaego: upvoted, argues that men will be raped if gay people are allowed in the military, otherwise it would be “asking for more sexual assault and rape of both men and women”
doclove: upvoted, complains that gay men would have to have completely separate facilities
Mahrat: downvoted, begins post with “Being homosexual does not destroy your ability to serve your country.”
And your comment, the one you boldly put forward as a helpful attitude towards LGBT folks… Is not pro-gay, but viciously anti-feminist. Hooray.
See feminists all secretly hate gay men (according to MRAs). While only about half of the MRAs openly hate them (according to MRAs).
What a sales pitch.
Antz, what about lesbian separatist? Are they not gay, not feminists, do they hate themselves? Or do we just hate gay men? Why would we do that??
I mean, I know some RadFem are known for their transphobia, but homophobia? Not that the feminism is free from it, but that’s not something i had especially heard.
Any proof that we manboobzer do not welcome gays? (and either we welcome them for wrong reasons or we don’t welcome them, it can’t be both)
@Kirby
Their views of gay men are incredibly patronizing. Look, these men don’t have to deal with women. How lovely…
In conclusion, fuck off Antz. No one’s going to buy the shit you’re selling.
@Crumbelievable:
From the comments there, thats the way that spearhead members “support” non-straight-men. Women should be allowed in the military, so they can die along with all the men! Gay men should be allowed in the military, because shouldn’t we be happy that they can avoid all those nasty women?
@LBT:
Now I’m kind of curious, with AntZ’s claims and all. I think you’ve said before that you’ve been to some MRA sites in the past, and were chased away. Does your experience support the claim that “The majority of MRM sites are ~90% in favor of complete equal legal & government protection for LGBT persons”?
@AntZ:
I may be confuse here… But in the past, was it you who said you were most decidedly not and MRA, but rather an antifeminist? What ever happened to that?
@Antz
From that same thread:
Twice as many upvotes as downvotes. Face it, Anthony, the MRM consists almost entirely of BIGOTS! Go back to your FOREIGN BRIDE.
I wish it was possible to make patronizing concessions to cis white straight dudes, like “aw, you’re cis? Well, good for you!” or “you know, I love what you people have done to the fashion industry” or “your natural hair is beautiful, can I touch it?”
Hmm… Maybe that was ToySoldier or someone else… Don’t mind me folks, seasonal allergies and all.