You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.
[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.
Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:
Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.
Then he starts getting mean:
Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.
Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)
The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:
Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.
Replace her cosmetics with crayons.
The puerile:
Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.
Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.
Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.
The surreal:
Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)
And the just plain assholish:
Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.
Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:
The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”
Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?
In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:
Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.
Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.
Leave him.
Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.
Because some men are still neurotic little boys who are afraid of cooties.
Please see Holly above, cf. restricting women’s choices.
Pfft. Your premise is entirely false, therefore your conclusion is invalid.
Don’t make me pull out my undergraduate philosophy wankings!
@AntZ:
There isn’t one. If anything, it’s just that people are talking about what they already do, or what their partner does. I don’t recall one comment who just started doing childish stuff and found an improvement.
If I were cynical, (and I totally am), the women who put up with this shit aren’t attracted to it, they’ve just gotten into the relationship knowing that the men do this. They tolerate it, and its endearing in an “aww, precious” kind of way. Either that, or it’s just something they expect all men do.
I blame Adam Sandler movies. I hate that guy. (unfunny douchebag)
Antz: what makes you think that it works?
Because they’re chumps, Zarat. Lots of people pay good money for bullshit.
@ Antz
They have a huge and growing following of men(‘s rights ativists) because it suits their misogynistic agenda to view women as robotic, devoid of agency and easy to manipulate with a certain type of SCIENCE.
The men(‘s rights activists) who practise game and actually do it with success (on their terms) are probably tiny. The feminists, male and female, who learned to reject society’s patriarchal constraints on sexuality are having more, more varied and better sex than you or any MRA/PUA can possibly imagine. And it’s all done with communication, not the most dubious SCIENCE imaginable.
And, by the way, feminism is to thank for this most recent sexual revolution. And you, Antz, missed out on it and are envious. You applaud the PUAs because they’re all about lying to women and upsetting them, which suits your agenda. Unfortunately, the entire PUA industry is driven by men like Heartiste’s insatiable desire for attention and some PUA’s well honed skills at exploiting vulnerable and lonely men.
I didn’t know accidentally burning a woman with scalding hot water or scaring the hell out of her with clown toys or randomly grabbing her tits “spiced up” the relationship. Since you’re all over this shit why don’t you try some of Don Juan’s amazing tips and tell us how it works out.
So what is a real women, Zarat? Someone who thinks it is “natural” to beg for the slightest “affection”, no matter how stupid and psychopathic it is. Get bent!
Feminism is cancer, and Heartiste is Pi Shuang.
No, MRAs are a cancer. And just one of many others in this already sick, sad world. Humanity doesn’t need more assholes. It has a quite a handful to worry about already.
No piss off, bigot.
Thanks Holly and Kyrie!
Congratulations Antz, I didn’t realize you were so far along in the process of VR whatever that you now have actual kits for sale! Where can I buy one? I’m really looking forward to settling down on whichever side of the Mississippi with my very own robot companion.
Because none of them are actually in satisfying relationships, or they wouldn’t need Roissy any more. They’re swearing by “that makes sense, based on what I extrapolate these woman-creatures to be like!” not by “that got me the sex and relationship I wanted and now I am a happier person!”
…Are they in production?
Anyway, if you’re that kind of asshole, seems like a virtual partner would still be better. She can’t leave you, she can’t gain weight, she can’t get older, she can’t talk back, and you wouldn’t have to go to all the annoying effort of emotionally abusing her.
RE: Antz
You never did answer my question over where I can find a men’s group to discuss men’s issues that won’t toss me out for being queer. C’mon, Antz, do you want me to join your fight or not?
Just to be clear, anybody who threaten or joke-threaten like that my pet is no longer a guest under my roof.
BTW, AntZ where is your FOREIGN BRIDE?
I went out with someone who liked to freak out one of my cats. He wasn’t nice,thank God it ended. Wiser now.David’s advice cracked me up too -though farting and boob honking aside -please like stated skip to the end of that list and leave that person !
AntZ, please tell us more about your virtual partner kits. I am curious about what you have made and how you intend to market it.
@LBT
Here is what MRAs think of “bad people like you”:
http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/father-gets-born-this-way-tattoo-to-honor-his-sons-coming-out/
AntZ, do you deliberately do unpleasant things to your wife? If so, does it make her want to have sex with you more? I would be damned surprised if that turned out to be the case.
“Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)”
This doesn’t work if her car is a manual transmission. My hand is almost always on the gearshifter and even if it’s not, I’m more than capable of putting it back into the gear I want it in. I would then pull the car over at the next convenient spot and kick asshole that did that out of my car.
My ex use to wake me up by touching my breasts. He thought it was hilarious and obviously the best way to get me in the mood. That is until he realized that every time he did it I’d get up and go sleep on the couch. That it took more than once to get him to realize it wasn’t working is sad really.
@Kendra
Lol, the “kits” comment was a joke. I have no plans, effort, or ideas on this issue at all. I will welcome the technology when it arrives. I am not a computer scientist so there is nothing I can do to help.
Ooh ooh, I’ll take one! How much?
So it was a joke… being used to prove a point… which is actually completely unproven because the joke wasn’t true?
I just don’t understand humor.
RE: Anthony
Dammit, I wish I had video on my comps, so I could watch that. Bummer. Is there one for trans guys too? Because that’d crown my day and make me mega-happy.
I appreciate the link, I do, but I actually meant like, a group in person. (The Good Men Project is just online, right?) I know you might think I’m mocking you, but I’m actually being completely serious here.
yeah, sure showed us with that post by the guy who…. runs a blog with a regular commenter here…
god youre desperation is getting pathetic
Also, Antz, that GMP comment of yours is far more tame than your usual fare (Last week I came across a Reddit comment of yours, in which you told a woman who criticized AVFM to “shut up, you vile cunt”.)
Why do you care, AntZ? You have FOREIGN BRIDE.
Speaking as someone in a D/s relationship, the only one of those things on the list I can even imagine my boyfriend/dom doing is the boob-honking (and even that would be in the context of, like, a tickle-fight or general silliness, not “I’m just randomly going to grab your boob and make a loud obnoxious noise”). It’s not even just that they don’t understand that not all relationships have someone who’s dominant and someone who’s submissive – they don’t understand that relationships, even actual D/s ones, generally aren’t between people who loathe each other. The reason I don’t fart on my boyfriend or threaten to kill his cat isn’t because I’m not the one “in charge,” it’s because I actually like him (and his cat) and am not a horrible person. Crazy how that works!