You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.
[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.
Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:
Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.
Then he starts getting mean:
Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.
Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)
The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:
Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.
Replace her cosmetics with crayons.
The puerile:
Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.
Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.
Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.
The surreal:
Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)
And the just plain assholish:
Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.
Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:
The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”
Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?
In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:
Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.
Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.
Leave him.
Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.
Although only one boyfriend was really egregious about it, there was a long time that I let a lot of guys get away with the boob-honk because I had a sense of humor and I wasn’t oversensitive and I was a cool funny chick.
(Note that I said “let them get away with it,” not “got turned on by it,” because for chrissake.)
That time is over. New policy: if you boob-honk, I ball-honk.
Yeah, I guess saying that he’s trolling is giving too much credit to a guy who openly states that women shouldn’t vote.
And I am sure David appreciates your dating advice.
And by appreciate I mean laughs at.
And by laughs at I mean does not give a rat’s ass about.
I should clarify: my ex used to do uncomfortable things to my breasts in order to show me that, as my boyfriend, he was allowed to touch them whenever he wanted, and that probably included honking at some point (I honestly don’t remember). Very clearly Not Okay. My current boyfriend lightly honked my boobs as part of a consensual silly tickle fight featuring many stomach raspberries that stopped as soon as one of us (him) said he’d had enough. I’m not sure Heartiste would approve.
Yeah, that voids the Microsoft warranty!
@Falconer
EXACTLY!! Somethings are just too sacred to fuck around with!
Not to provide TMI, but I don’t ever do uncomfortable things to my wife because I like touching her and if I touched her in a nasty uncomfortable way I would pretty quickly find my permission to touch her revoked. I mean, above and beyond my conviction that doing things like honking breasts and pinching butts is wrong.
Shit, do guys like Heartiste actually realize that a relationship can be had without one side being dominant and the other submissive? It’s like they think every relationship is lopsided in terms of power and if you don’t have the power, the other person has it and they will dutch-oven you and pretend to kill your pet. This is not to denigrate, slander or disappear actual D/s relationships but presumably there’s an element of consent to those that is obviously lacking in what Heartiste would have you do..
I … oh gods, I just realized I blithely click through all kinds of EULAs without reading them. There’s probably a throwing-your-console-out-the-window clause in at least one of them that means you’d be liable to trim Bill Gates’s grass for life. With your teeth.
I’m sorry, I find myself suddenly fixated upon wondering where, when and how Parker and Stone learned to draw. The woman’s expression in the middle of that .gif is evocative of a cartoon series that does not actually try trolling with its artwork.
Ugh. Thank god, of all the things I’ve ever dealt with, nobody has ever honked me. That would’ve just been… I can’t imagine a more dysphoria-inducing experience, topped off with a heaping side of, “You’re not a human, you’re just body parts that are mine to interact with as I choose!”
Also, I had hormonal issues, so that would’ve fucking HURT. What is WRONG with people?
Or you could could hack and mod his console, edit his Xbox Live profile so that it appears he’s advertising prestige lobbies for CoD in exchange for Microsoft points, then solicit a member of Xbox Live Enforcement Team. That should get him a permaban.
Too cruel?
I think what D/s relationships have that Roissy’s nonsense doesn’t is the right to a) consent initially and b) withdraw consent at any time. It’s conceivable that there is some person out there who likes knowing their partner could flush the toilet when they’re in the shower, and who could arrange some sort of “every once in a while it would be nice if you made my shower freezing” sort of deal with them, which they could suspend or call off at any time. That is nowhere near what Roissy wants. He wants men to do something to their female partners that the vast majority won’t like, because they won’t like it, without asking.
We are stupid, barbaric monkeys who still live in fear, greed, and impulse. That’s pretty much it.
If the world were any worse a place we would be at each other’s throats. Actually that world already exists. It’s called the Internet.
I know why Roissy and Co. are so hostile toward “manginas” and “betas,” by the way, and it’s not just dumb aggression toward anyone who disagrees.
It’s because the whole scheme they want to run on their girlfriends requires the girlfriends to believe that there are no better men out there. They need to make their partners think “my options are a guy who sometimes gives me a little scrap of validation, or a guy who gives me none at all.”
“Manginas,” as men who give women actual respect, are a huge threat to the whole scam.
Hey now, Maya, my best friend is a human being. I don’t appreciate that kind of talk.
Yeah, this whole PUA scene seems less about “How to be attractive and charming.” and more about “How to craft yourself into That Guy No One Want to Be Alone With.”
That makes a whole lot of sense, actually.
You make me feel cloth-headed, Holly, but then I suppose I have the — dare I say privilege? — of not having it shoved in my face at all hours.
I don’t even understand what this is supposed to do.
Snowy – With some plumbing systems, it makes the water suddenly get scalding hot.
I think it’s supposed to make the shower cold, or maybe have less pressure. Not sure why, it doesn’t work like that in my home.
ninja’d. And correct’d. ^_^
Hum. That what people say to defend their bigotry. Aren’t a bit humanophob?
The comments section is fun… And rather illuminating.
*sigh*
If there was a question of whether Heartiste is trolling with his suggestions… his commentors do not think so. There are far too many comments along the lines of “do this juvenile shit, then she’ll fuck your brains out.” I can only imagine that, to the extent they do get positive reactions from their respective partners, it’s only because their partners view them as man-children, and are just the kind of people that put up with that shit.
In shorter words, their reaction is probably “aww, X is adorable with his antics,” rather than “wow, X is totally dominating and manly.”
“Milshake” technically only work if both person have milk-makers.
Is there a boob-genius who can explain to me why these strategies have a huge and growing following of men who swear by them?
I have not sold any virtual-partner kits yet, so whatever is working so well for these men, is working on real women.
Feminism is cancer, and Heartiste is Pi Shuang.
I mentioned it before on the forums, but it’s important enough to repeat that it is cruel to put a clown doll in someone’s bed while they sleep. It makes me think of that scary scene from Poltergeist with the creepy clown doll. *Shudder* My son said the elf on the shelf was creepy, so I sent that sucker right back to the North Pole (aka Target or Wal-mart, wherever I bought it). Just go to google images and look up elf on the shelf and you’ll see what I’m talking about. He looks like he was modeled after the Poltergeist clown toy.