Heartiste: Totally dominate your woman by farting in bed and pretending to kill her cat

You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.

[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.

Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:

Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.

Then he starts getting mean:

Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.

Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)

The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:

Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.

Replace her cosmetics with crayons.

The puerile:

Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.

Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.

Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.

The surreal:

Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)

And the just plain assholish:

Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)

Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.

Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:

The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”

Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?

In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:

Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.

Throw his Xbox360 out the window.  (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)

Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.

Leave him.

Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.