You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.
[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.
Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:
Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.
Then he starts getting mean:
Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.
Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)
The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:
Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.
Replace her cosmetics with crayons.
The puerile:
Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.
Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.
Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.
The surreal:
Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)
And the just plain assholish:
Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.
Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:
The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”
Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?
In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:
Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.
Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.
Leave him.
Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.
mitchell and webb rock, big time
and yep that video is pretty funny. MRAs say commercials make men look like idiots, but at least they aren’t selling them product after product of crap that’s supposed to improve them because they aren’t good enough. Ads just sucks overall.
RE: Anthony
So, first you say:
You will not find ANY hostility on AVfM, the unimpeachable beacon that leads the MRM forward. That is where I think you will find a very welcoming home. We have been fighting for LGBT issues since its founding in 2010, including prominent discrimination issues that feminists either applaud or remain silent about:
And then you say:
I appologize. I thought you were “G”, not “LBT” (abreviated to avoid getting caught in filter). The MRM has nothing to offer you, and I was wasting my time.
So… either you equated “LGBT” with plain old “gay,” or you flat-out lied to me. Fantastic. And I AM gay, by the way; the two terms aren’t mutually exclusive.
Honestly, man, I’m disappointed. I was really, truly hoping you could show me something that’d put your movement in a better light. I WANT to believe you, and you obviously want me to believe you, and even then, you can’t come up with anything. Not one measly piffling thing to prove that your “men’s rights movements” actually gives a shit about men like me.
Your movement has failed men, Anthony. It has nothing to offer men like me, it has nothing to offer men like my husband (who’s bi), and thus it specifically isolates and heaps contempt and revulsion on the men you claim to fight for. Your movement isn’t for men. It’s for straight, cis men.
I am disappointed.
RE: NOWslave
Are you from bizzaro world, where everything is the opposite of reality? Whatever you’re smoking has got to be way better than anything I’ve ever smoked. I got nothing against dropping acid every now and then, but damn!
You think my world is bizarro NOW, man, you ain’t even read my multi comics!
Nice to meet you, by the way.
@Anthony: If you need help with jamming “enough hatred” for “whitey” people into your heart, try the writings of the KKK. Wherever you see “black”, put “whi/em>
No, see that won’t work because: 1)no organized black movement ever carried out a systematic program of terrorism (aka lynching) against white people in the US.
2) White people were never enslaved by black people in the US.
3) Black people never passed laws mandating segregation into state and federal systems in the US.
4) etc etc etc four hundred plus years of history, ending with Trayvon Martin (a black 17 year old in a hoodie being shot by a white racist for being black in a white guy’s space, with white guy being cleared by racist white police system).
Let me say it again: INDIVIDUAL hatred/bigotry is NOT the same as the power to maintan and enact that hatred and bigotry. No black person’s hatred of white individuals or even white people as a group can be understood the same way as a white person’s hatred of black people.
I am Hispanic
Whoop te do. Hispanic is not a racial cateogory in the US: there are white people who are Hispanic. There are black people who are Hispanic. Not all “Hispanics” are brown (hint: Spain! Europe! Colonizer!).
You are clearly however an asshole.
Sorry: html fail. The numbered list is mine. The assholery is Antz’.
@LBT
Wait…did he really fucking say that? that lesbians, bisexuals and transfolk are basically not welcome in the MRM? *reads back*
Wow. *smh*
you know what you are AntZ? a bigot.
“Homosexual men can and have been great warriors and leaders. There is no doubt that they can fight, and countless have sacrificed themselves for their country. However, their abilities and sacrifices, as noble as they are, cannot overcome the fact that suppression of homosexuality is crucial to institutional integrity in a military context. Yes, suppression.”
Tell it to the Greeks, the Macedonians, or the Persians. Even accepting that the modern understanding of how the differences in sex roles/preferences/sexuality were seen in ages past; and cultures not our own, is radically different (and often shaped by a desire to use the past to justify the present), there is zero to show that homsexual behavior has to be “supressed” to ensure insitutional integrity.
All it takes is one example (and I gave three) where it was decidedly not supressed, to disprove that.
And it’s assumptive as hell, “can and have been”… implies that they, at some level, are more prone to failure than straight men.
This, IME, is not the case. They are no more likely to fail in the heat of the moment than straight guys. A little less, at present in the US Army, than straight guys; when in combat, in non-combat stress situations they have always been about the same. I attribute this to some self-selective pressures which cause them to think through and, “wargame” reactions to contact more, because they are afraid of failing and being castigated for being gay.
But what do I know, I’m a career soldier, and combat Vet. I’m not Antz, the great pharmacologist/VR planner, logistician who is planning The Great Segregation Across the Mississippi.
“There is NOTHING wrong with that picture.
Those two men are COMPLETELY safe from bigoted, sexist, feminist family courts, criminal courts, institutions, law enforcement, and government agencies. How many of YOU can say the same thing?”
All of which, “praise” is meant to show that they are free of women, not that they are worthwhile in their own right.
RE: Quackers
Frankly, I expected trans folk and lesbians to get the boot. (Since, y’know. Women or associated with them.) Also, courtesy of my experience with the g0ys and the cockrub warriors, I was willing to bet gays would be looked down on too.
Honestly, the only ones I had any hope for were the bi cis guys, and even then, I wasn’t holding out much hope. I was hoping Anthony might surprise me.
NWO: LOOKY HERE!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2118300/Rebecca-Helen-Elder-accused-raping-man-breaking-house-stand-trial.html#ixzz1pvkyvT1a
Woman in Australia. Charged with criminal trespass and rape. Accused of breaking into man’s house and fellating him. She is named. Victim is NOT named.
what do you think, shitforbrains?
it doesn’t make sense that they’d exclude bi cis guys…then again watching them try so hard to be inclusive of other sexualities, races or even women is hilariously pathetic. I can’t laugh to hard though, feminism started out as racist too :/
@Ithiliana
Photographed and all too.
MRAs are pathetic and completely oblivious to reality. This article just proves it yet again.
@ LBT
“Your movement isn’t for men. It’s for straight, cis men.”
The MRM isn’t for straight, cis men. It serves only the few dozen bloggers that self identify as MRAs. It does no outreach work, no counselling, it doesn’t raise funds for any related causes (except their own operating costs). It doesn’t offer self-help guides (except the dubious PUA nonsense), it doesn’t lobby politicans, it acknowledges that the visceral anger demonstrated will put people off becoming “involved” yet carries on regardless. The MRM amounts to the following:
A few dozen bloggers attacking other bloggers. The most active blog in the MRM is AVfM, they sometimes publish personal details of “feminists” and then these people are sometimes harassed for a while.
That’s it, that’s the MRM.
The MRM isn’t a civil rights movement, it’s a glorified writing creative writing circle where the chosen subject is “how women are evil and ruining the world and heroic MRAs are needed to stop them”.
Although this is true, white hispanic people still get a worse deal than white people. My sister is white, walking around. She’s still got a last name that is probably not helping her find a good job. White hispanics are only welcome in the club when their origin isn’t known (which is better than brown hispanics, no question).
LOL
Ok, some of those things are just plain crazy (mess around with the gear while driving? Are you stupid?), but some are kinda hilarious, too.
I I had a partner who did that, I’d probably pay him back in kind (“pinch my ass”-note? Works for guys, too!). I can definitely see my partner honking my tits in an especially childish moment, with long, helpless giggle fits ensuing. If he’d threaten harm to my cat, he’d be toast, though.
@KathleenB. Is it possible the kitten is in pain? My parents’ cat was a major crazypants, too, she always used to come purring to get petted and then BAM – out of nowhere, she’d bite, scratch, hiss and flee to the other end of the house. She would also meow and moan for food and then only eat one or two bites.
We found out just recenty that she has a hereditary disease that causes her teeth to rot, about ever since she’s had them and that she’s pretty much constantly in pain, therefore aggressive, cannot eat well, therefore she’s always hungry which makes her even more aggressive. The condition is treatable, though, and ever since my parents started undergoing the daily ordeal to give her antibiotics and painkillers she’s calmed down a lot and even taken up some weight on account of eating enough.
Bottom line: Cats aren’t usually crazy for no reason. You might want to check with your vet.
It’s always been my impression that, unless you’re a WASP, you’re going to deal with racial bullshit in the US
RE: Quackers
I can’t laugh to hard though, feminism started out as racist too :/
Yup, and it’s still racist in some places, thus womanism. It pisses me off, but even then, there were still black feminists fighting it. See Ida B. Wells: http://www.theroot.com/views/how-racism-tainted-womens-fight-vote Thus far, I have seen NONE of that fighting from the inside in the MRA. At best, there is some mealy-mouthed “well, they’re better than WOMEN,” bullcrap.
RE: Happy
Yeah, I gotta say, if this is the best Anthony can offer when he’s TRYING to recruit me, his movement is looking more and more craptastic by the day.
RE: Shadow
Gotta say I share that impression. Immensely. Then again, I’m from the South. Hoo-wee, you want blatant racial bigotry, just set FOOT there. Up North, I find, it’s just more subtle.
For realz. I happen to have this radical idea that people deserve to be in relationships that make them happy, should they want the romanitcal type of relationship.
This I think really demonstrates the MRA viewpoint of romantic cis het relationships. For some reason, their idea of how romantic relationships should be never seems fun. It looks like it’s all about treating a woman like shit because if not, then she’ll treat you like shit. Or your last girlfriend treated you like shit. Here’s a radical idea, if she treats you like shit, leave her. Don’t just try to be shittier.
This isn’t about assuming women are perfect. It’s about telling someone that if they’re being treated like shit, they should leave. And maybe it’s radical too to think that no one deserves to be treated like shit, but I truly don’t believe there’s any justification for deliberately trying to make someone miserable. I truly believe it’s bad to be violent/abusive/manipulative/assholish to ANYONE, not just angelic ladies. Thinking shitty treatment towards anyone is justified doesn’t jive so well with my extreme dislike of things like torture and the death penalty.
@Rogan
My experience was a little different, but I’ve only visited the States so you can take it with a handful of salt. I haven’t really experienced much racial bullshit when I was in the South (i’ve been to Starkville, MS a number of times, as wells as Atlanta, Birmingham, Memphis and Richmond), but when I went down to NY last year, I met a bunch of great people, but I also met a bunch of people that’d shake in their fuckin boots when I just asked them for directions
Oh NWO actually responded to me…I never noticed until ostara quoted him
Anyway NWO, its because some women are with shitty men and why should they put up with it? Women ain’t perfect but I don’t see them writing lists advising other women to honk their boyfriend’s balls or pretending to kill his pets. And no, I wont shut the fuck up about it. You don’t hear about men having to do sooo much better because the average or even unattractive man on TV is still shown to have a gorgeous wife. Furthermore why don’t you shut the fuck up about your pretend oppression and about your fantasies of women beating other women in the street for supposedly having “blood on their hands?”
also I don’t know where NWO is always hearing in the media that women can do soooo much better…does he sit around and watch women’s talk shows all day or something? waiting…just waiting to see if Sharon Osbourne laughs at another penis-severing story?
RE: Shadow
Oop! Sorry, Shadow. I assumed that since you were mentioning stuff in the USA, you were from there. I’m glad you had a good experience.
I got family in New Orleans, came back from there recently, and… ugh. Confederate flags everywhere. (Guys, you lost. A hundred and fifty goddamn years ago. MOVE ON.) Despite everything, I still like the South but… good lord baby Jesus, I am so glad not to be living there no more.
Hot, fresh example: Try being a black teen who’s late to the orthodontist.
Jesse Taylor and his mom were on their way to the dentist’s and trying to avoid a late fee for being 10 minutes late. When they pulled into the dentist’s driveway a cop pulled in behind them. When Jesse got out to run into the office and report for his appointment, the cop pulled her gun on him and commanded him to get back in the car, then not-so-subtly threatened him that he shouldn’t ever try to run from a cop while black and big.
This is probably straining at a gnat, but you don’t have to be visibly Protestant to avoid a lot of bullshit in the States. You just have to be White Anglo-Saxon. Which is not to deny your experience, just to point out that I have avoided an awful lot of hassle from people because I don’t broadcast my atheism.
MRA: A man without a penis? Bahahaha! What pure hilarity! You must tell me what you’re smoking, for truly that is comedy gold!
[Sharon Osbourne makes “joke” about man without a penis]
MRA: SHE’S WORSE THAN HITLER!!!!!!!